Narcisstic Alcoholic
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Join Date: Aug 2013
Posts: 45
Narcisstic Alcoholic
This is my first time visiting this site, but I am here for support from those who may be able to understand what I am going through.
The last year and a half have been absolutely hell. I knew that my husband was a drinker but I didn't see this coming. I experienced two miscarriages back to back which my A insists led him to heavy drinking. I got pregnant two months after my last miscarriage. While I was pregnant, my ex A came home late routinely and would get angry when I would ask questions, call or text him in the middle of the night asking when or if he was coming home. One night he came home late and his phone indicated he received a text. When I asked to see his phone, he gave it to me and I saw the text from a female. Turns out he had been texting this girl for months. They work together and hang with the same partying crowd.
For the next six months, we fought regularly to the point where he would rage and punch holes in the walls and doors and call me the most inhumane names. At one point he told me that I was worthless except for the baby inside me. I was sobbing every weekend and scared that the emotional stress would lead to yet another miscarriage. He promised that he would do better and "tried" to cut back on the drinking. All to no avail.
When I had the baby, I had false hope that he would man up and be the husband and father that I knew he could be. However, while I was on maternity leave, I got into his phone to find texts from another female. When I confronted him, he insisted that it was for work purposes only. I turned on his GPS locator and two days later found him at the woman's house who he was texting the first time I learned of his texting of other woman. He was over there hanging out, having a drink (nothing sexual, or so he said). He left that day stating that he wanted a divorce, but was back remorseful the next day.
A couple of weeks later, he came home several hours after he finished work and promised to make me dinner. I was on my way to run an errand. When I returned, he was passed out drunk on the bed. I lost it (it wasn't about dinner but another broken promise). We started fighting and things got physical because I couldn't control myself and starting hitting him and asking him to leave. Things went too far and he kicked down the door to the room where his guns were stored and threatened to shoot anyone that I called. I called his parents asking that they come over and get him because things were out of control. I was scared and grabbed my seven week old daughter and ran to the neighbors where I waited for his parents.
He moved to his brothers where I was hoping he was going to work on his problems and come home. That is what he was telling me. He missed his girls and wanted to come home. At the end of February, he moved home for two weeks, but left to go to the bars on St. Patrick's weekend. I told him if he went that he wasn't welcome back. He left and moved back to his brothers. All for the sake of having the freedom to drink. He started ignoring my phone calls and text messages. Was very distant when he would come see his daughter. Two weeks later on my way home, I found him yet again at this other woman's house. He came outside to let talk and let me know that he was having an affair with her. I was devastated. I should have seen it coming given that he wouldn't leave her alone.
Fast forward three months. I was debating about filing for divorce, but wanted so badly to keep our family together. We were high school sweethearts with almost twelve years of marriage. In my mind, I had given him a six month deadline to get his act together or I was filing for divorce. I filed for divorce two days before he finally came clean and let me know that this woman was 20 wks pregnant with his baby! This whole time he was telling me that he didn't want a divorce that he wanted to work on our marriage.
He is living in a false reality and convinced me of one of his realities. My divorced finalized two days ago and I am still reeling in the confusion of all this. He has blamed the miscarriages for causing him to drink and me for the affair. The woman is guilty for being pregnant because she lied and said she couldn't. He is accepting no responsibility and no remorse for the damage and pain he has caused in the lives of others. My family and friends are happy that I am divorced but I am so sad that this is real. Everyday is full of so much pain. I don't know how to get over him and the deceit and pain. Any advice would be helpful. I have attended Al-Anon for two months figuring it would help, but I am embarrassed of my situation with the affair and other baby coming. My ex A is saying that he is getting his life together and doesn't have a drinking problem. He seems so happy with his life now that I am out of it. It hurts so much! He left everything and hasn't even looked back!
The last year and a half have been absolutely hell. I knew that my husband was a drinker but I didn't see this coming. I experienced two miscarriages back to back which my A insists led him to heavy drinking. I got pregnant two months after my last miscarriage. While I was pregnant, my ex A came home late routinely and would get angry when I would ask questions, call or text him in the middle of the night asking when or if he was coming home. One night he came home late and his phone indicated he received a text. When I asked to see his phone, he gave it to me and I saw the text from a female. Turns out he had been texting this girl for months. They work together and hang with the same partying crowd.
For the next six months, we fought regularly to the point where he would rage and punch holes in the walls and doors and call me the most inhumane names. At one point he told me that I was worthless except for the baby inside me. I was sobbing every weekend and scared that the emotional stress would lead to yet another miscarriage. He promised that he would do better and "tried" to cut back on the drinking. All to no avail.
When I had the baby, I had false hope that he would man up and be the husband and father that I knew he could be. However, while I was on maternity leave, I got into his phone to find texts from another female. When I confronted him, he insisted that it was for work purposes only. I turned on his GPS locator and two days later found him at the woman's house who he was texting the first time I learned of his texting of other woman. He was over there hanging out, having a drink (nothing sexual, or so he said). He left that day stating that he wanted a divorce, but was back remorseful the next day.
A couple of weeks later, he came home several hours after he finished work and promised to make me dinner. I was on my way to run an errand. When I returned, he was passed out drunk on the bed. I lost it (it wasn't about dinner but another broken promise). We started fighting and things got physical because I couldn't control myself and starting hitting him and asking him to leave. Things went too far and he kicked down the door to the room where his guns were stored and threatened to shoot anyone that I called. I called his parents asking that they come over and get him because things were out of control. I was scared and grabbed my seven week old daughter and ran to the neighbors where I waited for his parents.
He moved to his brothers where I was hoping he was going to work on his problems and come home. That is what he was telling me. He missed his girls and wanted to come home. At the end of February, he moved home for two weeks, but left to go to the bars on St. Patrick's weekend. I told him if he went that he wasn't welcome back. He left and moved back to his brothers. All for the sake of having the freedom to drink. He started ignoring my phone calls and text messages. Was very distant when he would come see his daughter. Two weeks later on my way home, I found him yet again at this other woman's house. He came outside to let talk and let me know that he was having an affair with her. I was devastated. I should have seen it coming given that he wouldn't leave her alone.
Fast forward three months. I was debating about filing for divorce, but wanted so badly to keep our family together. We were high school sweethearts with almost twelve years of marriage. In my mind, I had given him a six month deadline to get his act together or I was filing for divorce. I filed for divorce two days before he finally came clean and let me know that this woman was 20 wks pregnant with his baby! This whole time he was telling me that he didn't want a divorce that he wanted to work on our marriage.
He is living in a false reality and convinced me of one of his realities. My divorced finalized two days ago and I am still reeling in the confusion of all this. He has blamed the miscarriages for causing him to drink and me for the affair. The woman is guilty for being pregnant because she lied and said she couldn't. He is accepting no responsibility and no remorse for the damage and pain he has caused in the lives of others. My family and friends are happy that I am divorced but I am so sad that this is real. Everyday is full of so much pain. I don't know how to get over him and the deceit and pain. Any advice would be helpful. I have attended Al-Anon for two months figuring it would help, but I am embarrassed of my situation with the affair and other baby coming. My ex A is saying that he is getting his life together and doesn't have a drinking problem. He seems so happy with his life now that I am out of it. It hurts so much! He left everything and hasn't even looked back!
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,510
I'm sorry for your situation, but it sounds like it was terribly toxic.
Living in a situation where you are searching your husband's phone records, and there is verbal and physical abuse sounds awful. I hope you find some peace in your life.
Living in a situation where you are searching your husband's phone records, and there is verbal and physical abuse sounds awful. I hope you find some peace in your life.
Nothing is impossible!
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: EAGAN
Posts: 792
Originally Posted by pookielou 
This is my first time visiting this site, but I am here for support from those who may be able to understand what I am going through.
The last year and a half have been absolutely hell. I knew that my husband was a drinker but I didn't see this coming. I experienced two miscarriages back to back which my A insists led him to heavy drinking. I got pregnant two months after my last miscarriage. While I was pregnant, my ex A came home late routinely and would get angry when I would ask questions, call or text him in the middle of the night asking when or if he was coming home. One night he came home late and his phone indicated he received a text. When I asked to see his phone, he gave it to me and I saw the text from a female. Turns out he had been texting this girl for months. They work together and hang with the same partying crowd.
For the next six months, we fought regularly to the point where he would rage and punch holes in the walls and doors and call me the most inhumane names. At one point he told me that I was worthless except for the baby inside me. I was sobbing every weekend and scared that the emotional stress would lead to yet another miscarriage. He promised that he would do better and "tried" to cut back on the drinking. All to no avail.
When I had the baby, I had false hope that he would man up and be the husband and father that I knew he could be. However, while I was on maternity leave, I got into his phone to find texts from another female. When I confronted him, he insisted that it was for work purposes only. I turned on his GPS locator and two days later found him at the woman's house who he was texting the first time I learned of his texting of other woman. He was over there hanging out, having a drink (nothing sexual, or so he said). He left that day stating that he wanted a divorce, but was back remorseful the next day.
A couple of weeks later, he came home several hours after he finished work and promised to make me dinner. I was on my way to run an errand. When I returned, he was passed out drunk on the bed. I lost it (it wasn't about dinner but another broken promise). We started fighting and things got physical because I couldn't control myself and starting hitting him and asking him to leave. Things went too far and he kicked down the door to the room where his guns were stored and threatened to shoot anyone that I called. I called his parents asking that they come over and get him because things were out of control. I was scared and grabbed my seven week old daughter and ran to the neighbors where I waited for his parents.
He moved to his brothers where I was hoping he was going to work on his problems and come home. That is what he was telling me. He missed his girls and wanted to come home. At the end of February, he moved home for two weeks, but left to go to the bars on St. Patrick's weekend. I told him if he went that he wasn't welcome back. He left and moved back to his brothers. All for the sake of having the freedom to drink. He started ignoring my phone calls and text messages. Was very distant when he would come see his daughter. Two weeks later on my way home, I found him yet again at this other woman's house. He came outside to let talk and let me know that he was having an affair with her. I was devastated. I should have seen it coming given that he wouldn't leave her alone.
Fast forward three months. I was debating about filing for divorce, but wanted so badly to keep our family together. We were high school sweethearts with almost twelve years of marriage. In my mind, I had given him a six month deadline to get his act together or I was filing for divorce. I filed for divorce two days before he finally came clean and let me know that this woman was 20 wks pregnant with his baby! This whole time he was telling me that he didn't want a divorce that he wanted to work on our marriage.
He is living in a false reality and convinced me of one of his realities. My divorced finalized two days ago and I am still reeling in the confusion of all this. He has blamed the miscarriages for causing him to drink and me for the affair. The woman is guilty for being pregnant because she lied and said she couldn't. He is accepting no responsibility and no remorse for the damage and pain he has caused in the lives of others. My family and friends are happy that I am divorced but I am so sad that this is real. Everyday is full of so much pain. I don't know how to get over him and the deceit and pain. Any advice would be helpful. I have attended Al-Anon for two months figuring it would help, but I am embarrassed of my situation with the affair and other baby coming. My ex A is saying that he is getting his life together and doesn't have a drinking problem. He seems so happy with his life now that I am out of it. It hurts so much! He left everything and hasn't even looked back!
The last year and a half have been absolutely hell. I knew that my husband was a drinker but I didn't see this coming. I experienced two miscarriages back to back which my A insists led him to heavy drinking. I got pregnant two months after my last miscarriage. While I was pregnant, my ex A came home late routinely and would get angry when I would ask questions, call or text him in the middle of the night asking when or if he was coming home. One night he came home late and his phone indicated he received a text. When I asked to see his phone, he gave it to me and I saw the text from a female. Turns out he had been texting this girl for months. They work together and hang with the same partying crowd.
For the next six months, we fought regularly to the point where he would rage and punch holes in the walls and doors and call me the most inhumane names. At one point he told me that I was worthless except for the baby inside me. I was sobbing every weekend and scared that the emotional stress would lead to yet another miscarriage. He promised that he would do better and "tried" to cut back on the drinking. All to no avail.
When I had the baby, I had false hope that he would man up and be the husband and father that I knew he could be. However, while I was on maternity leave, I got into his phone to find texts from another female. When I confronted him, he insisted that it was for work purposes only. I turned on his GPS locator and two days later found him at the woman's house who he was texting the first time I learned of his texting of other woman. He was over there hanging out, having a drink (nothing sexual, or so he said). He left that day stating that he wanted a divorce, but was back remorseful the next day.
A couple of weeks later, he came home several hours after he finished work and promised to make me dinner. I was on my way to run an errand. When I returned, he was passed out drunk on the bed. I lost it (it wasn't about dinner but another broken promise). We started fighting and things got physical because I couldn't control myself and starting hitting him and asking him to leave. Things went too far and he kicked down the door to the room where his guns were stored and threatened to shoot anyone that I called. I called his parents asking that they come over and get him because things were out of control. I was scared and grabbed my seven week old daughter and ran to the neighbors where I waited for his parents.
He moved to his brothers where I was hoping he was going to work on his problems and come home. That is what he was telling me. He missed his girls and wanted to come home. At the end of February, he moved home for two weeks, but left to go to the bars on St. Patrick's weekend. I told him if he went that he wasn't welcome back. He left and moved back to his brothers. All for the sake of having the freedom to drink. He started ignoring my phone calls and text messages. Was very distant when he would come see his daughter. Two weeks later on my way home, I found him yet again at this other woman's house. He came outside to let talk and let me know that he was having an affair with her. I was devastated. I should have seen it coming given that he wouldn't leave her alone.
Fast forward three months. I was debating about filing for divorce, but wanted so badly to keep our family together. We were high school sweethearts with almost twelve years of marriage. In my mind, I had given him a six month deadline to get his act together or I was filing for divorce. I filed for divorce two days before he finally came clean and let me know that this woman was 20 wks pregnant with his baby! This whole time he was telling me that he didn't want a divorce that he wanted to work on our marriage.
He is living in a false reality and convinced me of one of his realities. My divorced finalized two days ago and I am still reeling in the confusion of all this. He has blamed the miscarriages for causing him to drink and me for the affair. The woman is guilty for being pregnant because she lied and said she couldn't. He is accepting no responsibility and no remorse for the damage and pain he has caused in the lives of others. My family and friends are happy that I am divorced but I am so sad that this is real. Everyday is full of so much pain. I don't know how to get over him and the deceit and pain. Any advice would be helpful. I have attended Al-Anon for two months figuring it would help, but I am embarrassed of my situation with the affair and other baby coming. My ex A is saying that he is getting his life together and doesn't have a drinking problem. He seems so happy with his life now that I am out of it. It hurts so much! He left everything and hasn't even looked back!
Why on earth would you even want to be with someone like this? He may be addicted to booze, but you are addicted to being co-dependent on this A-hole who has brought you nothing but trouble, pain, and low self esteem. Him leaving is a huge blessing and the fact you would want that back in your life shows how much work you need to do on yourself right now. For you, and the child you now have.
There is NEVER a good reason to be with someone who acts or behaves in the manner he has, yet you still wish him back in your life. That blows my mind. He is a giant douche bag if you ask me and I wouldnt let him anywhere near me, no matter how lonely or how much I missed him. My lord, where is your self esteem honey? You are worth WAY more than this joker has lead you to believe, and it honestly makes me angry.
Everything he touches seems to turn to a dramatic, dysfunctional mess. Why would you miss that? I think you should focus less on what he is doing, and focus more on your own healing and self esteem at this point. You cant change him, nor make him feel remorse for his actions. Dwelling on such things will likely drive you mad!!! Take time to heal, work on your codependency issues and self esteem for a few years. Then, maybe think about dating. You have a child now, so its time to grow up and get out of this cycle of dysfunction you are currently clinging to. I wish you the best, and I know you can do it.
instant
Join Date: May 2011
Location: Australia
Posts: 5,711
You are better off out of it. He will return to his old ways once the honeymoon is over.
An alcoholic does not need a reason to drink- the cahllenges in our lives are served up to anyone who wants to know why we drink.
An alcoholic does not need a reason to drink- the cahllenges in our lives are served up to anyone who wants to know why we drink.
Behold the power of NO
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: WA
Posts: 7,764
to SRI am sorry that you are into so much pain and left alone to raise a little one but I am really happy that this abusive idiot is gone and I pray that you will not take him back when he comes back groveling swearing that he has change (and believe me, he WILL!).
As someone who has been in a DV situation, I can tell you that it is a short step between punching walls and slapping you around. Your child and you deserve better.
You wrote
When I had the baby, I had false hope that he would man up and be the husband and father that I knew he could be.
You will find a lot of support here and I suggest you join us in the friends and family section Friends and Family of Alcoholics - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information.
I would also suggest that you check out Al Anon. I joined that fellowship in 2001 when I was in an awful relationship with an abusive drunk/chronic relapser and it saved my sanity. Alcoholism is a family disease and you have been affected by his nonsense. Also, since you have a child together, he will probably be in and out of your life for years to come. You got some healing to do and you probably could use learning to set boundaries so the dysfunction of an alcoholic home is not passed on to your baby.
Take care and once again, welcome
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Upstate New York
Posts: 51,569
Hi pookie. I'm so sorry for all that you've been through. I know you must be reeling from all the ups and downs. I hope it will help to be here where many people understand what you're going through. Please do check out what Carlotta suggested - our Friends & Family forum. You are not alone!
Recovering ostrich
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Tampa Bay, Florida
Posts: 2,551
Don't be embarrassed. Go to Alanon to get the support you need and to start working on you. You have your own story that revolves around why you put up with that and that is what Alanon is for. Best of luck!
Member
Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: Washington, DC
Posts: 987
Hi PL, and welcome! So glad you joined us and, as Hevyn said, you're in the right place.
I am so sorry for what you've been through, and I congratulate you on having the fortitude to divorce him. I agree with most of what the others have said here in that this guy is NOT worth another second of your time outside of having to deal with him because he is the father of your child.
The title of your post "narcissistic alcoholic" about sums it up, no? Addicts, even at their best, are usually completely self-consumed because the addiction comes first. Before anything or anyone else. And all that drama and insane behavior (and it IS insanity, even if you can't see it clearly from the inside) is the hallmark of alcoholic behavior.
What you're doing here is letting your head get all spun up in the details of the drama (the affair, the other child, his drunken excuses, keeping the family together, etc.) rather than see it for what it is: complete and total cruel and dysfunctional behavior that you should run as far away from as humanly possible. Of course he is going to say all kinds of things to get back in your good graces or achieve whatever his short-term objective of the moment might be...addicts are master manipulators. If you've been with him for 12 years there is no doubt he has figured out how to push your buttons. It is up to you to stop letting him have access to them.
I agree completely with Carlotta about getting yourself back into Al-Anon. No one there is going to judge you for your situation. YOU'RE judging you and its based on the crazy and cruel talk and actions of a narcissistic alcoholic. You are not to blame. But only you can get yourself out of this situation. He is not going to change, especially if he thinks he doesn't have a problem. And any male that is putting his fists through walls, kicking down doors, and threatening anyone with a gun with a seven week old baby in the house is crazy AND dangerous.
Get yourself back into Al-Anon, PL. And check out the Friends and Family forum too for some extra support in addition to posting here. And, if you're able, get some counselling for you, too.
As NightHawk said, you do not deserve this and neither does your daughter. I realize he is the father but that does not give him some decree to go on torturing you or making your life hell.
You did the right thing by divorcing this fool and you shouldn't second guess it for a nanosecond. Now take care of you.
There ARE men out there who do not act like this and are good, honorable guys. This one is most certainly not.
Please continue to post and let us know how it's going.
Thinking of you.
I am so sorry for what you've been through, and I congratulate you on having the fortitude to divorce him. I agree with most of what the others have said here in that this guy is NOT worth another second of your time outside of having to deal with him because he is the father of your child.
The title of your post "narcissistic alcoholic" about sums it up, no? Addicts, even at their best, are usually completely self-consumed because the addiction comes first. Before anything or anyone else. And all that drama and insane behavior (and it IS insanity, even if you can't see it clearly from the inside) is the hallmark of alcoholic behavior.
What you're doing here is letting your head get all spun up in the details of the drama (the affair, the other child, his drunken excuses, keeping the family together, etc.) rather than see it for what it is: complete and total cruel and dysfunctional behavior that you should run as far away from as humanly possible. Of course he is going to say all kinds of things to get back in your good graces or achieve whatever his short-term objective of the moment might be...addicts are master manipulators. If you've been with him for 12 years there is no doubt he has figured out how to push your buttons. It is up to you to stop letting him have access to them.
I agree completely with Carlotta about getting yourself back into Al-Anon. No one there is going to judge you for your situation. YOU'RE judging you and its based on the crazy and cruel talk and actions of a narcissistic alcoholic. You are not to blame. But only you can get yourself out of this situation. He is not going to change, especially if he thinks he doesn't have a problem. And any male that is putting his fists through walls, kicking down doors, and threatening anyone with a gun with a seven week old baby in the house is crazy AND dangerous.
Get yourself back into Al-Anon, PL. And check out the Friends and Family forum too for some extra support in addition to posting here. And, if you're able, get some counselling for you, too.
As NightHawk said, you do not deserve this and neither does your daughter. I realize he is the father but that does not give him some decree to go on torturing you or making your life hell.
You did the right thing by divorcing this fool and you shouldn't second guess it for a nanosecond. Now take care of you.
There ARE men out there who do not act like this and are good, honorable guys. This one is most certainly not.
Please continue to post and let us know how it's going.
Thinking of you.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: Steep Falls, Maine
Posts: 18
Hi PL, thank you so much for having the strength to share your story with us, this situation has to be one of the hardest things that you have ever faced...BUT...the one common theme I saw throughout is YOUR strength, clarity and willingness to see things for what they are. It could have been so easy to just take the backseat and let these things happen to you, but you chose the higher path, the best option for you and your child...not too many people can claim that they did the same!
Your ex A will ALWAYS be in denial and blameless, as far as he is concerned. That is one of the most significant facets of addiction, or at least was for me. However, you had the wherewithal to see things for what they are. Even though it doesn't seem like it, that alone already puts you at least 5 steps ahead of the game!
Please feel free to write me if you need any support, or just want to chat! Everyone on here is wonderful and VERY helpful, you definitely won't find yourself at a lack for support!
Good luck to you and your baby in the coming days. The one positive that your little one will always have on her side is that she has a very strong, grounded mother :-)
Your ex A will ALWAYS be in denial and blameless, as far as he is concerned. That is one of the most significant facets of addiction, or at least was for me. However, you had the wherewithal to see things for what they are. Even though it doesn't seem like it, that alone already puts you at least 5 steps ahead of the game!
Please feel free to write me if you need any support, or just want to chat! Everyone on here is wonderful and VERY helpful, you definitely won't find yourself at a lack for support!
Good luck to you and your baby in the coming days. The one positive that your little one will always have on her side is that she has a very strong, grounded mother :-)
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