DoubleBarrel

I have found that the more time sober, the clearly and more easily you can identify people who are not in a good place with substances or mentally.

As they say misery loves company, and as addicts, we really identified with those in our same predicament.

As I have gotten healthier, I try to not engage in relationships with people who are deeply dysfunctional.

I am not above them, I just need to watch myself closely, and cannot allow myself to be dragged down in others drama and sickness.

Leshar

Thanks, ReadyAtLast,

I do think I will address this with her beforehand, not so much that I feel at risk of temptation, actually her attitude about me not drinking and her own drinking behaviour firms my resolve, but no point in having a tense few days away.

Will let you know how it goes!

Leshar

Thanks, DoubleBarrel,

I'm coming to realize this about my friend, wrt being dysfunctional. I am getting healthier and her constant self-doubt, negative self-talk isn't much fun as I move along and am learning to be more comfortable in my own skin.

Nuudawn

Ya I'm with Ready on this and I'm glad you are saying something to your friend prior to going. It is indeed a "critical issue". And in all honesty, if you believe she is under the impression that this will be a drinking roustabout of a trip for you both, your honesty is doing her a favour. She is your friend and therefore deserves honesty. It is a "get away" for her too. I went on a solo getaway not all that long ago. I had a paid hotel room booked when I was still drinking. The friends I asked who can take drinking or leave it ..were busy and the idea of bringing along one of my more alcohol centered friends was just too much for my new sobriety to undertake. And besides, it's not up to me to determine "fun" for another human. Those who still drink have every right to if they choose so. I dunno...I'm taking the long way around getting to my point. She has a right to know what she's in for on her trip. It's her trip too.

And if you are scared that telling her you will be sober and she cancels....well, this isn't about drinking...this is about codependency. I'm just saying please don't use dishonesty for fear she cancels. I do hope you take that in the loving way it is intended.

Leshar

Nuudawn, thanks, really appreciate your perspective.

I spoke to my friend and told her that I would not be drinking on our trip. She said, "well, what about sharing a bottle of wine when we go to dinner?" (??) and I told her no, no alcohol at all for me. She seemed a bit quiet, but wanted to know if I'd be ok if she had a few drinks, and I said, of course, go ahead.

She sent me a bit of a rambling text later that evening, after a few beers, I suspect, saying that was "proud of me" and that she was more than a little envious of my decision and determination.

The odd thing though, is that I've been unsettled, "off", the last couple of days, since we had this convo. I keep thinking about how I used to love going out to dinner with my hb, and sharing a bottle of wine. What my friend said has been a trigger, I suppose, and the last couple of days, I've had cravings a lot, and just feel blah, joyless.
I'm staying close to SR, my class, reading a book about healing the addicted brain, using imagery to see myself coming thru challenges, trying to remain hopeful that things will improve ( day 50 today).

Nothing but to keep on working at it, I know that if I put in the effort, I will reap the benefits.

Thanks, all, I couldn't do this without the wonderful community of SR!

Nuudawn

Hello Leshar : ) The trip I mentioned in my last post was something I looked forward to for quite some time .even after I decided to sober up and it became a different sort of trip. But the day before I was to depart..anxiety and cravings hit (I posted here about it). I had started to think about the drink and play out scenes in my head..things like how lovely it would be to have a glass of wine with dinner (yadda yadda and other bs). Suddenly all my pictures of anticipation started to include alcohol (WTF!). I was just over a month sober at the time and hadn't struggled too badly with cravings so this state of mind knocked me over. I got through that weekend..but it was my hardest sobriety challenge to date. I credit SR..fighting to stay in the "now" and halting the "anticipatory movies" in my head..and ultimately giving myself that permission to have a lousy time (Lord knows I had lousy trips drinking!) should that be the case. There was a huge craving I almost caved into when my hotel room wasn't ready and I felt at a loss...but obviously I made it through by the skin of my teeth.

When do you go? Will you be able to access SR on the trip?

Leshar

Yes, I remember you posting about your trip, you obviously came through a major challenge.
How was Burton Cummings by the way?! He was such a babe!

Yes, I have to admit it, I have been playing out those scenes you wrote about, and this past couple of days have been tough because of that. But, hanging out here has helped immensely, and yes, I will have access to SR on the trip which is mid Nov, I'll bring my ipad, most hotels have free wifi.

It's a while away, so I hope I'll be doing better at that point anyway.

Womble76

Hi, I think I know where you're coming from. I think I've always been 'the rock' in friendships and seen as the one that people can come to and I'll make them feel better. I'm having the worst year of my life right now and while I'm trying to put a smiley face on things, I'm really starting to find out who my real friends are. It's surprising and it hurts but friendships aren't like mirrors - what we put in isn't always reflected back when we need it.

I thought I had quite a lot of friends but it turns out I have a heap of acquaintances. That's OK. I'd rather have one true friend who will stand by me than people who say they care but spend 95% of the time complaining about a life they can't be bothered to improve. Like I say, it hurts to find a so called friend isn't what you need but all things heal with time.

I've been to Montreal, it's one of my favourite places on the planet and if you're not having the experience sober you'll be missing out! The Jean Talon (please excuse spelling) market is the greatest shopping experience ever and you're so close to Tadousac it'd be a crime not to whale watch. Once in a lifetime experiences that have nothing to do with drinking. Enjoy!

Nuudawn

lol..well get out of those scenes or reframe them! Aw thanks for askin' bout Burton : ) Ya..I LOVED him when I was a llittle girl and he was still hot...lol. I gotta say..I was disappointed...really disappointed. He looks like a man who partied hard in his rocker's life..and I think still does : ) He doesn't look very healthy and his voice is well..not great anymore. And I found his attitude a little pompous and heavily reliant on the success of his past (yes, it was formidable..but I dunno). I didn't like his "vibe" at all. Wouldn't go see him again I don't think. He just seemed old...and he doesn't have to be that old ya know? The hotel clerk mentioned how good he looked for 64. Phooey. My mom is 75 and looks 20 years younger than him (she is a bit of a freak of nature tho lol..but no heavy drinking/smoking in her past). Anyways..I'm ranting..sorry.

I'm soooooooooooo jelly of you going to Montreal. It's on my bucket list!!!