A Recovered Alcoholic Turned Pill Addict
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: Toronto, Ontario
Posts: 7
A Recovered Alcoholic Turned Pill Addict
Hi Everyone,
I want to introduce myself here, I found this site tonight as I have insomnia and decided to make use of it.... I have been struggling now with a mounting pill addiction that has really turned bad over the last say year and a half or so...though it was slowly progressing maybe over about 3 years I think?
In feb of 98 I got sober in AA from Alchohol. I had dabbled in drugs but never like the booze, and could always stop...but alcohol was my master... my drug of choice. AA was really amazing and helped me so much in so many ways. However, there were also many things that I found disturbing and over time, felt it wasn't actually helpin me, in fact I felt stuck, so chose to leave...I don't regret that decision, it was just where I was at the time....I don't want to enter into a debate about whether or not to go back, its just part of my story...I left just before my 10 year anniversary of not drinking. Fortunately I still have not picked up a drink, and know that if I had, things would be a million times worse and I possibly would have killed myself by now as I'd be doing both!!
Anyhow, I discovered that I liked the way codeine made me feel after being sober for a while... occassionally I would take a T3 if I had access.... I struggled with depression quite a lot as well, and as I look back, I think I thought I "deserved" an escape hatch.... and I justified to myself that because I was never an addict that it was ok to occasionally pop a pill. Perhaps that might be the case for some, but me, it turned out to be another addiction- though very slow to start, quick to take off (after the slow progress over the short 2 or 3 years now I feel gutted).
Fast forward to today, I have never had regular access to pain meds, I have no idea where to buy them on the street and I guess I've been too afraid. I discovered an off the counter med containing codeine gave me a very good feeling, and I started using it.... I don't want to trigger anyone or give anyone ideas so I won't say what it is, but it has acetominophin in it, and I am likely KILLING my liver. I used to take 3 or 4 for a buzz. I worked my way up to 9 or 10 at once. Then, over time, I have had days where I've taken 14 -18 in the course of an hour or two. Now when I buy a package I have to throw half out or I will take them all...crazy, ya? I usually do this once a day, as my system can only tolerate so much, and now it makes me COMPLETELY sick, naseaus and I vomit. But I still do it...just for the 30 minute high I get.... I can go one day at the most lately without taking them, but that's it. I have also taken and abused other pills that my friends have had (ritalin, oxycontin) but since I don't have regular access, I have used these other ones primarily.... I am a drug seeker, I always look into peoples medicine cabinets, and feel free to help myself. Its quite gross, but I know its common. Normally, I am pretty honest, a decent person, a good friend. But addicted, well, you know the drill.
Of course, I have myself in a hole of depression as a result, unable to work regularly despite being bright and talented, trouble to motivate myself, and I have ran out of money to live on. I haven't paid taxes for years and I am so afraid to face it as there will be a huge bill. I have friends and family that love me, so for that I'm greatful, and it helps me know I can face the mess I've made, as humiliating as it is.
Words of wisdom will be appreciated! Not sure whether I will go to AA or not, I left for a reason and have gone to meetings here and there, but whenever I go I feel generally not particularly inspired and the reasons I left are pretty evident. No offense at all to the 12 step program, It is great in so many ways, but I don't know if I can go back. We shall see. I went to NA and CA a few times with friends when I used to go to meetings, and found the vibe there very uncomfortable...it almost made me feel like doing drugs, it was wierd. Anyhow, thanks for reading if you have made it this far. I hope I can go to sleep soon!
I want to introduce myself here, I found this site tonight as I have insomnia and decided to make use of it.... I have been struggling now with a mounting pill addiction that has really turned bad over the last say year and a half or so...though it was slowly progressing maybe over about 3 years I think?
In feb of 98 I got sober in AA from Alchohol. I had dabbled in drugs but never like the booze, and could always stop...but alcohol was my master... my drug of choice. AA was really amazing and helped me so much in so many ways. However, there were also many things that I found disturbing and over time, felt it wasn't actually helpin me, in fact I felt stuck, so chose to leave...I don't regret that decision, it was just where I was at the time....I don't want to enter into a debate about whether or not to go back, its just part of my story...I left just before my 10 year anniversary of not drinking. Fortunately I still have not picked up a drink, and know that if I had, things would be a million times worse and I possibly would have killed myself by now as I'd be doing both!!
Anyhow, I discovered that I liked the way codeine made me feel after being sober for a while... occassionally I would take a T3 if I had access.... I struggled with depression quite a lot as well, and as I look back, I think I thought I "deserved" an escape hatch.... and I justified to myself that because I was never an addict that it was ok to occasionally pop a pill. Perhaps that might be the case for some, but me, it turned out to be another addiction- though very slow to start, quick to take off (after the slow progress over the short 2 or 3 years now I feel gutted).
Fast forward to today, I have never had regular access to pain meds, I have no idea where to buy them on the street and I guess I've been too afraid. I discovered an off the counter med containing codeine gave me a very good feeling, and I started using it.... I don't want to trigger anyone or give anyone ideas so I won't say what it is, but it has acetominophin in it, and I am likely KILLING my liver. I used to take 3 or 4 for a buzz. I worked my way up to 9 or 10 at once. Then, over time, I have had days where I've taken 14 -18 in the course of an hour or two. Now when I buy a package I have to throw half out or I will take them all...crazy, ya? I usually do this once a day, as my system can only tolerate so much, and now it makes me COMPLETELY sick, naseaus and I vomit. But I still do it...just for the 30 minute high I get.... I can go one day at the most lately without taking them, but that's it. I have also taken and abused other pills that my friends have had (ritalin, oxycontin) but since I don't have regular access, I have used these other ones primarily.... I am a drug seeker, I always look into peoples medicine cabinets, and feel free to help myself. Its quite gross, but I know its common. Normally, I am pretty honest, a decent person, a good friend. But addicted, well, you know the drill.
Of course, I have myself in a hole of depression as a result, unable to work regularly despite being bright and talented, trouble to motivate myself, and I have ran out of money to live on. I haven't paid taxes for years and I am so afraid to face it as there will be a huge bill. I have friends and family that love me, so for that I'm greatful, and it helps me know I can face the mess I've made, as humiliating as it is.
Words of wisdom will be appreciated! Not sure whether I will go to AA or not, I left for a reason and have gone to meetings here and there, but whenever I go I feel generally not particularly inspired and the reasons I left are pretty evident. No offense at all to the 12 step program, It is great in so many ways, but I don't know if I can go back. We shall see. I went to NA and CA a few times with friends when I used to go to meetings, and found the vibe there very uncomfortable...it almost made me feel like doing drugs, it was wierd. Anyhow, thanks for reading if you have made it this far. I hope I can go to sleep soon!
Guest
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: UK
Posts: 737
Hi. I don't really have any experience / advice about this, but the forum seems a little slow and I didn't want you to think you were being ignored.
There is a drugs section further down the forum - would that help?
I'd send a link but I'm newish here myself
There is a drugs section further down the forum - would that help?
I'd send a link but I'm newish here myself
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: Ferndale, Wa.
Posts: 68
Hello Thruthecracks
I can totally understand where your coming from,been there,done that.I also had some years finally being clean and sober.Not as many as you,but I did only go to AA because I did not really care for the NA .But nothing against them,I know they help a lot of people I really was set free by doing the 12 steps of recovery (finally).But **** happened and I started just taking a few pills,then just a little weed.2 or 3 years later I was heavily into my addiction. I was so bad I put my self into treatment to detox medically. I could not taper off and quit.I was so sick.What you are doing is SO DANGEROUS Thruthecracks.Your liver could shut down anytime now from all the tylenol. Please seek some help from a doctor to help you stop.
Try to remember how much better life can be for you.Do you remember how good life was before.I always had the HOPE that life COULD BE better if I reach out and get help. My family is supportive also like yours.They were there for me when I took the first step.Now I have almost a year again.Please don't let your family have to bury some one they love.
Your precious to them.You can do this.Sending strength to you from me,a fellow addict who cares. <3
Try to remember how much better life can be for you.Do you remember how good life was before.I always had the HOPE that life COULD BE better if I reach out and get help. My family is supportive also like yours.They were there for me when I took the first step.Now I have almost a year again.Please don't let your family have to bury some one they love.
Your precious to them.You can do this.Sending strength to you from me,a fellow addict who cares. <3
Member
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: C.C. Ma.
Posts: 3,697
Hi. I/we drank to escape. To me changing to a solid with the same intention is still trying to escape our FEELINGS. I needed to get honest with MYSELF before sobriety could begin. Hang on and good luck.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: Toronto, Ontario
Posts: 7
Thanks folks, especially soberSonja, who has clearly been where I have. I am so glad to hear you have a year, that is AWESOME!!!! Medically, I am going to CamH (that is a centre here for addiction and mental health) and seeing a doctor there Monday, and I have had a liver test already, but I probably need another one.
soberSonja, did you go to AA this year, or use other means?
I have identified a primary feeling that I realize I use substances to escape, and that is loneliness...which is strange because I am really not at all alone, but deep down I keep myself that way, if that makes any sense at all.
I also wanted to know if I posted this in the wrong place as I saw the note about Forums, I meant to post this under the Newcomer section.
So today it is 10am. I have some work to do, an art show to attend that is showing my work and going out with friends after to a movie. Asking universe to help me stay clean today. Need miracles! I know that one day my experience will be useful.... I have to believe that..
thanks,
Lisa.
soberSonja, did you go to AA this year, or use other means?
I have identified a primary feeling that I realize I use substances to escape, and that is loneliness...which is strange because I am really not at all alone, but deep down I keep myself that way, if that makes any sense at all.
I also wanted to know if I posted this in the wrong place as I saw the note about Forums, I meant to post this under the Newcomer section.
So today it is 10am. I have some work to do, an art show to attend that is showing my work and going out with friends after to a movie. Asking universe to help me stay clean today. Need miracles! I know that one day my experience will be useful.... I have to believe that..
thanks,
Lisa.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: Ferndale, Wa.
Posts: 68
Hi again throughthecracks
I am sorry I have not posted a reply sooner Lisa.Thank you for the praise for almost having a year.But I have to give all my praise to GOD.Who keeps me going in the right direction,even when I have bad days.Yes,to answer your question about AA.I went every day in the first 90 after treatment.And slowed down to none in the winter.But noticed I was going to a bad place again,so now I go to a group 5 minutes away,and it is my home group.I've been doing the steps with a sponsor.I am so glad you are getting medical help Lisa,good for you.I hope you will see this post because I would like to keep in touch with you.And share our experience,strength and HOPE.I wish you well,DON'T GIVE UP!! It will get better.
love Sonja
I am sorry I have not posted a reply sooner Lisa.Thank you for the praise for almost having a year.But I have to give all my praise to GOD.Who keeps me going in the right direction,even when I have bad days.Yes,to answer your question about AA.I went every day in the first 90 after treatment.And slowed down to none in the winter.But noticed I was going to a bad place again,so now I go to a group 5 minutes away,and it is my home group.I've been doing the steps with a sponsor.I am so glad you are getting medical help Lisa,good for you.I hope you will see this post because I would like to keep in touch with you.And share our experience,strength and HOPE.I wish you well,DON'T GIVE UP!! It will get better.
love Sonja
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