Girlfriend1

How do we rebuild trust? The addiction has had my boyfriend lying to me for almost a year. After coming clean to me about the addiction I believe his humility has peeked and there is nothing more for him to hide (I'm 7 years clean off heroin so I really feel like I get the mind of an addict and do trust him since he has come clean to me).... I say these words yet I still find myself doing things I NEVER would have done in the past. Tonight I actually went through his phone to check for messages about using. I found a message about a 'drop off' and freaked out. I confronted him and it was regarding money owed to us that I knew about.

I am ashamed and angry. Ashamed I can't force myself to believe him when I know he's opened his vault. Angry because I can't believe I've been placed in a position where I feel like I have to be the bad guy. I feel backed into a corner. I love him and my heart wants to trust my brain just can not. I am struggling with his words telling me he is done with the lying and ready to heal. So far I have just made myself more crazy and looked foolish. Any advice is appreciated.

I'm also looking for another place to post but don't feel like the friends and family is right for me. I'm not filled with the same kind of anger and hurt as I was an addict long before he hurt me.

Nuudawn

This statement confuses and concerns me. As a recovering addict yourself, I'm sure you know you cannot control him. What is it you are truly afraid of? Something has triggered something in you where you feel threatened in some way. What would you do if you found the evidence you were looking for? Looking and finding what resulted in nothing...did little to ease your stress and pain.

His addiction and/or lying to you has nothing to do with your value. It's not personal. Your behaviour right now is about you. You apparently trusted him when he was lying and are now not trusting when he's told you the truth. I'm not saying that any of this information is easy to process. I'm just really curious as to what is going on with you.

toomuchtoolose

Hi, I can really relate to your story. I quit alcohol 8 months ago and it quickly highlighted a drinking problem for my husband. It culminated in me discovering he'd been lying to me for months and he had an outpouring of honesty and reconciliation. It was a big shock to me but, like you, I understand how addiction often leads us to lying and I know he's a good person so chose to forgive him. It will take time to rebuild trust, it's not something that can just be reinstalled like a piece of software it had to grow back slowly over time. Try and be patient and forgiving with yourselves whilst this process takes place. Of course you will be more suspicious during this time but that's ok, you have good reason. As time goes on and your fears are consistently proved wrong, your trust will grow. Good luck to you both :-)

doggonecarl

Maybe you don't have the same hurt, but you are displaying many of the same behaviors. Give it a try there. Lot of dual sufferers there, addiction and loving an addict.

Girlfriend1

Thank you all. I am still unsure how to move forward. I have been communicating with him about my needs for healing.