escapist

Okay, it's been 10 months now. I haven't had a drink and I am really happy about that.
So why do I find myself thinking about drinking again?
It has been going on for about a week. I find myself wanting a drink. I don't get it. Why now?
Earlier this week and I had to pull together my financial stuff for my accountant. I organized my bank statements. I looked over October's and saw my last booze purchase on my check card. I remembered that weekend. Two huge bottles of Crown and several little bottles of wine. I found this place that Monday morning. I was so sick after drinking that whole weekend that I could'nt go to work. What a hell that was.
I am not giving in but I am really annoyed that something so deathly sickening has so much appeal to me. What is wrong with me? Will I always lust for the drink?

LadyBlue0527

Hi escapist, let's break this down

Perfect focus, keep that in mind.

If you reread that you do get it, you just don't realize it. You just typed the exact reason why you wanted a drink. Seeing that booze purchase triggered the old thought process and awakened your AV. It doesn't matter if the outcome of that weekend was horrible. That snarky little AV (addictive voice) will work on you and make you believe that there was some redeeming quality to it. It's a little ballbuster, that AV.

You have every right to be annoyed and you have a place to come and to be annoyed with all of us who are periodically also annoyed

There is nothing wrong with you, if you're asking if this will always be this way, probably, but let me ask you this. Has it been this way for every waking moment for the last 10 months over and over? I suspect and hope that your answer is no. It comes and goes.

However, you have a great place to go to be annoyed and to talk to people who understand and we'll back you up every time.

What I think is awesome is that you came here to make your statement. That says volumes about where you are with this and that's fantastic.

Olive1

Hi escapist,
This happens to me periodically. And I have been eight years sober. I usually just take a deep breath and let the moment pass.

wakko

Cunning baffleing and powerful. The bite goes away over time or it comes less often with less intensity but if I feel it I go to an AA meeting. Feel better everytime

SavingSelf

I am right about where you are (almost 10 months). And I have moments like you are having. And it does suck to feel like that even for a moment. But I think back to where I was and know the only way to avoid feeling the hell of the past is to get through the uncomfortable thoughts of the present.

Hang in there.

Amajorityofone

The answer to your question is....kind've.

I am approximately two months ahead of you ( i'm on day 361) so I can tell you from experience that there are still days that come out of left field. You think you've got it "licked" and BAM! an overwhelming craving comes out of no where! Feels similar to an unexpected breeze. They're not as strong as they used to be but they're still "there."

This is why my personal mantra has always been the same. Which is don't worry about tomorrow. Don't worry about next week. Don't worry about next month and don't worry about next year. Instead, put all of your mind, body, heart, and soul into staying clean and sober today, and today only.

We must never forget that alcohol has a lifetime to wait for a moment of weakness.

Good luck and God Bless

shauninspain

It's certainly been a very hard nut for me to crack. I have come to the conclusion that I am by default a bit of a space cadet. And I simply enjoy the feeling of being high. Whether that's from alcohol or any other mood or mind altering substance.

I think your name, escapist, would be very apt for me. I simply like to escape from reality. Perhaps you are the same. Just a short chemically induced holiday from reality. It's a holiday in hell though.

littlefish

I think ladyblue hit the nail on the head. The desire to drink often comes from habitual thinking that is not remotely related to logic or healthy emotions, what we are doing at the moment or what would be sensible to do in the next moment. It is just something our brains dredge up from habit.

I hear a song from the 80's, I involuntarily remember certain things. I see a smudge on my car's windshield and involuntarily think at once that I should wash the car. I see an ad for a big mac and my brain thinks it is going to taste as good as it looks in the picture. But, if I think a little more, I remember that I am always disappointed when I buy that hamburger!

Illogically positive thoughts about alcohol used to happen quite a bit in early sobriety. I can happily report though that I don't have those triggers much at all anymore. I believe that we can use simple mind control techniques to train our brains. As soon as you have one of those thoughts, be ready with some good responses: memories of your worst hangovers, what you might describe as hitting bottom, make a list of all the negatives, even write it down if it helps. I have found that mind control techniques can really be successful.

Amajorityofone

This thread reminds me of my favorite lyric, from my favorite sobriety song. It says...

"Devil and the deep blue sea behind me. Vanish in the air you'll never find me. I will turn your face to alabaster. When you find your servant is your master. And you'll be wrapped around my finger."

Wrapped around your finger.
The Police-

Be Encouraged!

pinkdog

Hi escapist, 10 months if you feel that urge, do what you are doing, say "No" and come to this site or talk to someone you trust or go to a meeting. To me, the important thing is to remember how sick it makes you.

lessgravity

Love Ladyblue's post.

For me right now I'm trying to accept the foolish, irrational, beastial desire to drink as something that yes, will stay with me forever, that yes, will hopefully lessen at least in total power over time and, most of all, that the person I become by waging whatever wars (small or large) against that beast will make me the person that I want to be.

Everyone has their demons, some darker than others, this one is ours.

Dee74

I know that as alcoholics and addicts we're kinda bombarded with the idea that to think of drinking is bad and there's something dreadfully wrong....

For me tho, I rationalised that I drank for 20 years - it seemed natural to me that I would sometimes have drinking thoughts...

it's what I did in response to those thoughts that counted.

if you think there might be something wrong - if you're stressed or worried or overwrought, or bored, or thinking maybe you have PAWS, by all means hunt that down and work out what that might be, escapist....

but we're alcoholics - sometimes I think we just forget about all the bad stuff and think viably about drinking again.

Make sure your support is good and your recovery is strong and I'm sure you'll look back at this as just one of those bumps in the road

D