Which way to turn
 

Had a pretty awful day.
I seem to be having a lot of these recently.
But I have not had an alcohol.
So at the moment there are no worries there yet.

What worries me is my thoughts.
I am lonely.
I am unhappy.
I feel isolated and trapped.
I feel helpless.

My relationship has never been very happy.
I have a 3 year old child.
I work full time.
I sleep on my own every night.
I love my daughter so much, but I am tired.
I constantly think how bad my relationship is. I do nothing else other than work, look after my daughter and reflect on how miserable I am.

The thing that stops me leaving is a joint mortgage in a house which will be slow to sell. That I have a 3 year old daughter and a full time job and sometimes have to stay away from home which is going to be hard.

I already find it hard at the moment. I don't think I enjoy being a mum anymore. It just all feels like such hard work. I constantly try to imagine life if we were separated.
I worry about how my daughter will be, doing my best at my job, being lonely, if I am over reacting and really I am making a mountain out of a molehill and I am much better off than other people in bad relationships.

When my partner walked out when my daughter was 3 months old he really left me high and dry. My family were not near. My baby did not sleep. Thankfully I am financially okay. It was horrendous such hard, hard, hard work, physically and mentally. Because it was so hard, I know that I stay because it is easier. I almost feel scarred from that experience. I think it was so awful because I had no time to grief or contemplate what had happened, because I was thrown into life with a new baby after a really traumatic labour. I couldn't sit and cry. I had to get on with it.

If it were not for my child then I would not be with him now.
Sometimes, and I hate myself for saying this, I wish my life could go back to how it was before I met him. I feel like I am struggling. It's all a mad balancing act that really, deep down, I don't want to be a part of.


I think I have kept up an anxious pretence to friends (that I barely see) and family that everything is okay between him and me, but it is not. It is really not. I think it is affecting my health too as I constantly have something or other wrong with me.

I feel like because I took him back after his affair, I have to be super, super sure I 100% do not want to be with him. But because I know what hard work my life will be if it is just me and my child, it's easier just to make excuses about why he won't take holiday with me, why he is deeply in debt, why he speaks to me like I am dirt, than be on my own.

I'm just too tired, too fed up, too overwhelmed to do anything. I want it all to go away, but I don't want to wake up in another 10 years still feeling unloved and lonely.

I look back over our 12 years together and I can only find a handful of happy memories. We have no photo's together because we don't/didn't do anything together. He hates taking holiday from work and for the 2nd year here we are with 3 months of year left and he has not spent one annual leave day with me. I feel like advertising for a holiday buddy because I don't want to go on holiday with my daughter on my own.

The awful thing is that things were not brilliant before we had a child. I thought I was trapped then because we had a joint mortgage. I now realise just how free I was. I'm just devastated I am in this situation.

I feel so angry at him as well. I feel like he has had such a negative impact on my life. When we first met I told him we were not compatible, but he pressed and pressed to be together We never married, I had to beg to have a child as he already has a son from another relationship and did not want more. My child has no god parents because he was not here then. I spent my first mothers day on my own. It feels like because of him and his history and baggage he has prevented me from having what everyone else takes for granted - such as marriage, trying for a baby. Because of this I feel he has ruined my chances of happiness and I don't want to be civil with him if we split up. I don't ever want to speak to him again because of how my life has turned out.

This is so long. I am so sorry.

Sorry you are having a hard time right now. I have been married 20 years. Ups and downs for sure. All I can say is you don't have to decide anything all at once. Figure out what your "deal breakers" are. Work from there. Nobody's perfect right. You really can't expect someone to make you happy but you should expect some basic things like to feel loved and have companionship.

I'm really sorry Sasha.
I don't really have advice.

To me, though, those priorities should be you and your child..
happiness, to me, is more important than money but...I understand the conflict.

I'm wishing for you everything you want from life, cos I think you deserve it :)

D

Thanks so much.

I think that I wanted someone to say 'you don't have to do anything yet'.

I feel too tired to make choices.

I just feel very unhappy, very stuck on top of memories from my drinking days which I had flung in my face earlier today.

You absolutely don't have to do anything yet...but I wouldn't want you to wake up in 2023 still feeling this way either.

I hope others more useful than me in this area will post :)

D

Hi Sasha,

I am sorry you are having such troubles now. I hope you feel at least a little better for getting it all out.
I can't tell you what you should do, all I can give is my experience.
At the time I finally stopped drinking I was going through a bad divorce, moving to another state, quitting my job, selling my property in one state and buying in another state, and paying off large debt accumulated mostly by my ex (community property state divorce....ugh).
I eventually got through it all, one day at a time, one minute at a time, and sober.
If I can do this, anybody can do this.
Take a deep breath and believe in yourself.
:)

Sasha,
I am so sorry for your hurt. I know that change is scary. We always think about all of the things that we are tied too, and the reasons why the change can not happen. Example: mortgage, children, finances and whatever else gets thrown in there. Serious stuff. Issues that seem like there will never be an answer.
You are not happy Sasha, but you deserve happiness. A bunch of it. You deserve to be screaming from the rooftops about how happy you are. However, I can see you screaming from the rooftops that you are miserable.
Not one parent wants to raise their children alone. Will you not have joint custody if you decided to leave? Some time for you?
I can understand not liking being a parent any longer. It is hard hard hard work. You do not have to like it all the time. My husband feels the same way about parenting, but he loves his son with all of his heart. Every single piece of his heart is devoted to his son, but he thinks the job is extremely hard. So, I get it.
I know that you are too tired to do anything, but something will need to be done in order for you to find your happiness again. Only you know the answer and only you will be able to decide when. I am for positive that you will make the necessary change. Ten years from now, you will not be in this place. Ten years from now, I hope that you are in a place of bliss.
Sasha I truly feel what you are going through. Go on a Holiday! Find a person to go with and get in some thinking time. I thank you for feeling comfortable enough to open yourself up to this forum. (((HUG))) to you.
Please take care of you Sasha

Hi Sasha...I'm with you on the tired and dark mood today. I am alone and probably p*ssy about my life and living the sum of my choices also. They were different than yours..but I too feel alone and unloved..and tired : ) I think it's the feeling "alone" in depleted moments that is so hard..regardless of how or why we feel that way.
My only hope is that the more I heal...well, that it will bear fruit in my world and that things will work themselves out into a certain peace and acceptance as long as I am open and don't define how that should look (if that makes sense).

I dunno...my mind is a bit mushy and lethargic today. I just wanted to let you know you are not alone in your defeated feeling. I can only hope that tomorrow is a brighter day in perspective...for us both.

Not to play the part of Captain Obvious, but it sounds like this is why you feel lonely and unloved, and why you're so tired and beaten down. Why would anyone want to be with someone like him? What a terrible environment to live in while you're trying to figure out your life, and trying to heal. Your unwelcome partner has cast you into Dante's Fifth Circle Of Hell.

As has been suggested, you don't need to take care of everything in your life that's troubling you right this minute. Most of us don't have to live in eternal misery because of the unfortunate choices we've made earlier in our lives. Sadly, far too many people have no reason to believe this is so. But it may help to acknowledge that you played a part in where you are right now in your life; not in terms of blame, but because you did what you thought was best for you at the time. This means, among much else, that when the time is right, you also have the power to change it.

A lot of moms don't want to be moms anymore, especially when they're being emotionally abused, and when they feel mentally and physically exhausted. The responsibility of caring for a toddler just seems like much too much when nobody is taking care of them. I didn't want to be anything anymore during my relapse. But the alternatives were both terribly grim and abundantly permanent in terms of the damage that I could have done to myself and others.

Okay, I know its sudden..but I think I love you Endgame : )

What a wonderful response.

Remember you are not your relationship. I think not drinking is a good move , being a less harsh judge on yourself and after years of comment perhaps you might look at revising other peoples views about you.
Parenting especially single handed is unforgiving but double parenting can be harder unless your working together.
Get some sun on your face and try to hear laughter.
Your doing brilliantly.
John.

Wow Sasha...I could feel your despair with every word. I'm feeling for you, know how hard being a Mom is (I had three boys in three years), and without the love and total support of a partner can't imagine how hard it must be.

Have you ever heard of the 10 10 10 rule? Author Suzy Welch introduced this term, and it means this: What are your options? To stay with this man, to go it alone with your child, to walk away from everything? Write down each option, then think very hard. For each option, decide how it will affect your life in ten minutes, then in ten months, then in ten years. Be brutally honest with yourself. This can be a very profound way to choose your life path. You can read more about this method on Oprah.com, just search for Suzy Welch.

Good on you for staying sober. If you think you feel stuck now, drinking on top of your current situation would cement you in place. Take care and God bless you.

Thank you so much.

"Sudden" is always good when in the same sentence as "love."

Feelin' the love.

Sasha, are you in a position where you and your daughter could have a few days away? Maybe a few days together somewhere would give you the space and time to enjoy each other, rest and find out what it's like when it's just the two of you in a space of your own?

Sasha, I don't have much to add to what has already been said here except to reiterate the point that you don't deserve to be miserable---no one does. This is your life. It's OK to feel down and defeated for a little while but there's no reason to stay there. You are a brave, strong, wonderful person who posts some extremely supportive and very wise advice to others here (including me a few times), so I know you'll be OK. And I also know you deserve to be happy.

Big, big hug to you tonight and sending you strong vibes of support.:ring

Hello to my European pal,

Sorry to see you feeling so blue. And dealing with regrets. Those are really the worst, aren't they? I was just going through that the other day, I was talking with a friend about my hopes and dreams of opening up a little travel hostel in a small country...I had worked for 10 years saving up enough money to do it....but I tapped into it as a drunk and in just 1.5 years I spent it all on gambling and booze. :( And then the downward spiral of regret and thinking of how long it will take me to make that money back, how I'll be a much older man then, and how I'll have to change my entire plan and it will probably never happen....ugh. Sorry - just letting you know you're not alone when it comes to those frustrating regrets that make you feel so trapped.

You are a brilliant person and your daughter is lucky to have such a thoughtful person as a mom. It's great that you're passionate about your situation - a lot of folks just "let life happen", but you seem genuinely ready to change your position in life. And even if it doesn't feel like it today, that's a positive thing. I'm pretty sure da Vinci had a few terrible regrets when he was working on the Mona Lisa - but those regrets eventually pushed him further towards perfection.

Feeling "trapped" is a real scary and dark emotion, and I am sorry you're dealing with it. I think you should look at these feelings as the first small sparks of inspiration. All changes in life start with emotions, often times those emotions are tough. Don't worry, you don't have to solve everything overnight. Just keep being thoughtful, keep being introspective. There's no need to do anything immediately, just keep pondering these feelings. There's nothing wrong with that at all.

Hi Sasha.

I've just woken up and so my response is coming from my 'sleepy head' and therefore may not make great sense...

I have felt like you when it comes to not enjoying life, when my kids were little I felt that too sometimes. I would do all the right things you know? Go through the motions, but I felt empty. Numb. Different reasons for me. I didn't have difficulties in my relationship that were at the centre of this. I struggled because I didn't know how to love my kids, no-one had shown me how to parent and it all seemed way too difficult. It surprised me too as I could relate to other people's kids brilliantly, but my own? Well I didn't think I had the love in me to invest if that makes sense? I think that's when my drinking really took off and many years were wasted. Too many to bear thinking about.

I've been in relationships like yours sounds, but we didn't have kids. Relationships where there was something missing: an emotional investment, a connection, a commitment. I lived with a guy for a couple of years before I met my husband. He sounds a bit like your partner maybe and I'm thankful our relationship ended without having a child.

It sounds to me Sasha that you are ready to move on, but are understandably hesitant because you share your daughter and all the financial commitments. You know that people do this every day. Relationships end, people move on and childcare arrangements are made. Kids adapt and thrive.

You sound very lonely Sasha. Even in the middle of your little family you are lonely. Will that get better if you make a break? No-one can tell, but it sounds to me like you are not getting your emotional needs met where you are.

Of course, you don't need to make a decision now. Or ever if you don't want to...but just think ahead to where you would like to be in 5 years time. How do you imagine your life will be if you stay? Go?

I bet you're a great Mum. You work hard for your daughter.

But what do you want for you??

Lots of love being sent you way xxx

I'm sorry you're going through this Sasha.for me.stopping drinking really has made me look at my relationship and if it's enough for me.Things I was hiding before have now come to the surface,some not pleasant.

You deserve to be happy. You sound so desperately unhappy-it's no way to live. someone once said to me that it is lonelier to be in an unhappy marriage than it is to be single. How very very true it is.

Ask yourself if it wasn't forthe joint mortgage would you leave? If so, you have your answer. Can you buy him out or he buy you out? Would you want that? If not then maybe just leave and look to rent somewhere till the house is sold. I know the market isn't great in the UK but properties are moving at the right price. Most lenders are happy to give a payment holiday if property is up for sale.

If youdo separateyour partner will get access ,enabling you to have a break and some time for yourself.

Whilst your daughter is young she will still see what's going on. My son is 3 and it's amazing what they pick up on. Whilst some people do think people should stay together for thechild this can do moredamage than good if they are growing up witnessing a relationship with no love,kindness or affection.

Idon't know how old you are but you can't be that old with a 3 year old :) You still have the chance of morechildren and marriage with someone else if that's what you want. Nothing will change though unless you make some changes

You don't have to do anything now of course but maybe start looking at your options?

I can't do any of this anymore.
I don't want this life.
I didn't sign up for this.

None of us sign up...if we did I'd be living on a farm in Ireland, or making artisan soap in Provence. The funny thing is that I live where many people want to live...at the beach in Southern California, and all my husband and I talk about is moving to a small quiet place in the country. The grass is always greener, isn't it? Somewhere over the rainbow.

I don't know what to say to comfort you. You're in the UK so you have the NHS. You need to seek counseling because I believe that you are severely depressed. In this condition, it is very difficult to "pull yourself up by your own bootstraps". Depression sucks all of the joy out of life. I hope you feel better very, very soon.