Jeni26

You don't have to do anything you don't want to.

Is there some place you could go to for a few days with your daughter to gather your thoughts?xxx

ReadyAtLast

I agree with Jeni.Can you maybe take a few days off work and get away for a fewdays,just you and your daughter

Spinach

Youve been changing the things you can, and you've started with the thing you need to do more than any and the other things .
You may need big changes in your home life, or you may just need them more on your terms! Your putting yourself in a better place to make changes for good.
You've explained your position perfectly and there is no one here that would not want you to have them but the is no magic wand and it takes great strength and you show you are capable of that by the things you are doing for yourself and your daughter.
Keep on with sobriety and get stronger, you are capable .
Love John.

terry9

Oh dear -- I wish I could come round for a cup of tea !!!! I think maybe you could see a doctor because I also think you are in the depths of depression x Also I bet you felt a tad positive when your husband mentioned the drink because you have absolutely BEATEN that AND ALL the horrible comments he will have made when you did drink ! He wont beat you on that one any more HA !!!! Please keep as positive as much as possible especially for your daughter xxx and if you have no close friends near by just keep pouring your heart out here because it will help because you can admit ALL your feelings and we will not judge !!! oh and mine is 2 sugars xxxxxxxxxxxx

Sasha4

Thank you for all your replies to me.

My mind feels like its racing a million times a minute.

You are all so so kind.

Last night I contemplated not being here. I can't tell you how much it means to wake up and see all your messages. I don't feel as lost.

I am still scared, anxious and tired at what lies ahead.

You have all looked after me.
That's what I only have wanted.

Xxxx

Jeni26

You're never alone. Not on SR. This is a safe place to share and we all care very much xxx

BabyJane

Hi Sasha,


Coming in a bit late on this thread but I just want to chime in - I have so much compassion for you right now! I hurt for you because I have been in a relationship very much like yours with young children involved (his not mine but we had custody and I did truly love those girls although it was SO hard) and it was just really a dark time in my life overall. I didn't have the courage to leave either, for the same reasons, so don't feel bad about the current living situation you find yourself in; many people are stuck in the same type of hell due to the current economy and whatnot. For me it was isolating too, I felt like a horrible step-mom at times and my ex treated me like a total piece of trash because I was not able to stay sober and made less money than him due to being a student and part timer at my job. I did get sober but never lasted. I had no support from him other than the financial part. I wanted out but it seemed impossible... I don't know where I'm going with this except to say that MY biggest mistake was that I drank through it! You are NOT doing that so kiddos to you! You're so much stronger than you know.

You have been on here many times to support and encourage others. You are a very thoughtful, intelligent, lovely and strong woman! You WILL get out of this funk and out of this situation; it takes time but you can do it. I know money is a factor but just put a little bit away each month if you can (any amount is fine just so you start saving and have a plan) and eventually you will have a little nest egg with which to begin your escape! I would say don't tell the husband just start getting a plan in place and someday you can finally go to him and say "enough of your s**t - I'm out of here with my daughter!" and watch his jaw drop. He probably thinks you're not going to ever leave - prove him wrong! As long as you are taking SOME kind of action toward planning this I promise you will feel better.

We love you. Stay strong. It's ok to have bad days / weeks / months etc. - Sometimes what matters is what we DO not how we feel. I'm not saying your feelings are irrelevant just that there are circumstances that can only be made better by taking some baby steps in a new direction. I had to get away from me ex before I could start to heal some of my relationship wounds. I try to stay in touch with the kids. I wish I could have them with me. Parenting is such hard work but it is more rewarding than anything I've ever done! Your daughter has a wonderful mommy. Hug her tight today.

Regards,
Baby J.

kab

hi shasha4 ,ive been where u have been ,i mean in the depressed stage,,,which i think u r in,ive been told if i get depressed to gaze at a crucufix of jesus,,think of all the pain he went thru,,and his dying on the cross,,all for the love of us.this has helped me a lot,,also i pray all day long,,,i pray for me to help me get better,and i also pray for others,,,that jesus will help them too in their problems,prayer is my strongest tool in my alcoholic tool box,,it works it really does..i am praying for u right now...i dont know what else i can say to help you,i hope i have helped you some.just remember "JLY"

Sasha4

I just don't see the point anymore.

All my life, the little bit as me an adult, I have been sensible. I have done the right thing. I have looked out for others. I have taken other peoples feelings on board, maybe at the expense of mine. I have studied for a better future. I have savings in the bank.

And where has it got me?
I might as well not have bothered.

I have a broken relationship. I will be a single parent. I spend a substantial amount of time on my own and lonely. I am haunted by memories from my past in relation to drinking and the unforgivable, stupid behaviour that lost me the respect of my family, my peers. my friends and my work colleagues. I don't feel loved. I don't feel cared for or looked after.

I have no peace in my head. If I am not having flashbacks to some drunken incident in front of work people, I am wondering where I have gone wrong in life to end up so miserable.

I want someone to explain why my feelings are not worthy. Why my wants and needs are never met. Why am I not good enough to be someone's partner, mother, friend, colleague.

I feel that life is a burden and I am burden to life.
How can no-one see how truly miserable I am and the reasons why.

I don't feel in control of my life. Someone else has control over me.

I am so sorry for this outpouring of pity. I should be ashamed of myself. Perhaps the best thing to do is to cut my ties, focus on my work and my child and have no emotional ties to anyone else. Will that prevent me from feeling let down by others and by myself.

I really do feel like I could just get up, walk out, disappear and then thats the end. I am sorry. I am so, so sorry. It is just all a big complicated mess and I don't want to be any part of it anymore.

Dee74

Maybe it time to get some help with these feelings Sasha? counselling, your Dr, a hotline?

I think it's very very important to realise that the way we feel today or the way our life is today is not necessary the way it will be a month a year or a decade from now.

You're in a tough bind but people get out of tough binds all the time - you're not alone in this.

D

ReadyAtLast

I agree with Dee, seeing your doc sounds a good idea

I don't know if you're following any particular sobriety program Sasha but I would recommend you looking at Women For Sobriety, if you've not already done so. I 've been sober 8 months and only just started on it but it makes such sense. It talks about the problems women with drink problems face,particularly emotional stress, lack of self worth, lack of self esteem, lack of self belief, shame, guilt, negativity, fear, feeling unworthy etc etc

It makes total sense to me and even after just a few weeks I'm feeling better mentally and emotionally stronger. It's worth a look maybe?

WELCOME TO WFS ONLINE!

I would also recommend a great book which has helped me enormously, reduced my negative worthless feelings and helped me look at things differently which in turn helps me make changes-"Think Right, Feel Right " by R.Isett. I got it off Amazon

silentrun

I have to agree with Dee Sasha. This seems like it goes beyond a relationship problem. You can't keep giving yourself negative self talk and expect to hold up for very long. I have no idea what is going on in your relationship but I thought they guy can't be all bad if he was willing to take on fatherhood again so his partner can be a mom. If I kept showing myself every bad thing I ever did I would never get out of bed.

bigsombrero

You sound a lot like I did last winter. For what it's worth, I went to addiction therapy for a while, and negative self-talk was a big part of our discussions. I'd say things like "nobody will help me" when in fact I'd only asked one person. I'd say "I'm terrified to live this life", but in reality there was no horrific shiver down my spine when I bought yogurt at the supermarket. I was beating myself up, bashing my self esteem and questioning my life decisions every minute of the day! How healthy was that? Not very!

You are also talking pretty negative about yourself, just like others said Sasha. When the person you see in the mirror is your biggest critic and worst enemy, you're going to have a tough time. And I know it's not easy to fix - hell I've been there and it's a real dark place. And it took some serious change in thinking to see daylight again! Maybe talking to someone, a professional, will help you sort this out?

Also, is there a way you could maybe take a break from your daily routine? Have a trusted family member look after your daughter for a couple days? You live in a beautiful part of the world, you could drive to the ocean and have a cup of tea, watch the sunset and simplify your life a bit. A small break can be healthy! Some time alone with nature, some time to "turn off" that constant nagging in your head. Sometimes it's so nice to just appreciate being alive, smell the air, and settle down for some nice quiet time. I hope you can take some time to heal yourself, your talk is getting so dark, that's not like you. Maybe get lost in a good book? Maybe watch a funny movie? Anything to just take your mind off your issues - and just NOT THINK so hard about everything for a while. It may be useful.

Jeni26

Sasha, I hope you're feeling a little more rested now Saturday is here. What are your plans? Can you get out for a bit? Go for a walk, visit some friends.

We have a tendency to isolate ourselves when we are feeling like this and it isn't always a good thing to do.

I just wanted to say, there is nothing here that can't be sorted out. You feel trapped now but there will be a way out and a way forward for you. It might not be easy but it can be done. You mentioned in a previous post that you were pretending everything was ok to your family and friends...well maybe it's time to drop the facade. Tell them honestly that you're struggling. Talk to your partner, does he even realise that your relationship is about to break permanently? Ask the people closest to you for their support. If they don't even know how much pain you're in, how can they help? Sometimes just dropping the 'I'm ok' act in itself can be a huge relief. One less thing for you to manage.

Make an appointment to see your GP. Let him assess you, or refer you if he thinks that is appropriate. I know you've had counselling before for other issues, you've talked openly about it on this forum and you inspired me to do the same. You know how beneficial it can be.

There will be a way through this, you may have to walk through some pain and hurt to get there, but sounds to me that standing still is no longer an option.

Lots of love to you Sasha, you know where I am xxx

sunset01

((((Sasha))))

You were one of the first on my newbie entries. When I was soooo nervous, it was you who took the time to welcome me, make me feel at ease. I am grateful that I was you. You took the time to make someone you didn't know, halfway across the world, feel that it would be ok, that makes you more than fine in my books. Well now I want to return the favour. I know you don't believe me but, you are worth it, you are and will be loved, there is nothing in your life that you cant change or control. But you need to BELIEVE that too, if you cant look in the mirror and see all that I can see in you without having met you. You need to make an appointment with your doc.

Your choices in your life may have been mistakes but you did what every one of us do you made the best choice you could, given the circumstances you had. That doesn't make you a failure it makes you human hun.

Please let us know how your doing....xo

Sasha4

I am going to spend the day on my own.
I am going to have one nice day for me, before I close this chapter of my life.

I am not going to pretend I am okay.
I am not.
I am heartbroken and my hurt is due to some of the actions of others.
I don't think they have any idea of the impact they have had on my life.
And they need to know.
With my family, I feel like the child guinea pig.
With my partner and his family I want them to know he has emotionally and financially bled me dry.

I don't know how someone, their parents included, can Live with the fact they deprived me of children and stole all my money.
How can they live with themselves?
What higher right did they have to do this to me?


From now on no decisions will be made about me, without me.

All the time I have hidden my hurt from his affair, his desire to not have any children, not to spend his holidays from work with me. And when the happy accident happened when I did get pregnant, he ruined it by leaving and when my daughter was 3 months old he lived with some other woman and I did not know where.

All through my 20's my own mother voiced her disgust about becoming a grandmother. She always said, don't get married, don't have kids it is to much like hard work. Yet when my sister got married she was over the moon. She thinks she has treated us the same, but she could not be so wrong.

Why she did do this and why does she not see I was hurt from it? That I took it to heart.

Is feel like two people clouded together to stop me having children.
But then they have the bare faced cheak to be happy for other people when they are expecting a child.

I just don't want to be a part of any of it anymore.

And here we are, today. The day it has all fallen apart.

ReadyAtLast

I understand as only have one child,would love more but my husband is adamant he doesn't want anymore. I don't think we can blame others though and say he has stopped me from having children or deprived me of them. I have full control of my life and could have left him if my desire to have more children was so great, as could you. Your mother cannot control your desire to have children. It's more difficult with a partner of course,but we all have free will to leave and have more children with someone else or even alone if the desire is that strong.

I hope I don't sound harsh-it is not my intention.I'm just trying to stop you thinking like a victim-as though all these people have total control over your life.It is not the case. It is YOUR life. The more you think and behave as if you are a victim and have no control over your own life then nothingwill change. People only treat us the way we allow them to treat us. YOU can leave this man and start a new life. No one will do it for you though. Take the control back,give yourself the control over your own life.

You cannot control what your mother or partner do and they cannot control what you do,unless you allow them to. BLaming them for all your problems isn't helping you now. Taking back control,movingforward,doing what you want WILLmake you feel better

Sasha4

But he said he wanted children.
He lied.
Now it's too late for me, I am too old.

He has taken everything that should have been specially for me and stamped over it all and made it tainted.

For the length of our relationship I have been nothing more than a free meal ticket.
And that has set me up to be a lonely single parent.
It is unforgivable.

And how can a mother provide advice to one child that results in a marriage and a baby due soon, but give the absolute conflicting advice to her older daughter?

And was the reason I took this to heart due my upbringing? That she made me feel like I always had to strive for her approval. Because most of the people I know first off would not have a mother that did those things and second would say 'stuff you I want kids, I want marriage'.

I don't want to go for counselling because I have been 3 times and I still feel like this.
And I am rammed full of anti depressants and anti anxiety medication, but this continues because no-one is aware of how they treat me or what misery. Their actions have caused and the just keep on keeping on.

ZoeM

Sasha. Have you contacted your local Women's Centre? They can help you with counselling and women's rights etc x

silentrun

In light of this new information I would like to change my answer. It is starting to sound like you are surrounded by toxic people. I thought he agreed to father a child. If you find what he did as a "deal breaker" that would sound just about right to me. Are you talking about your mom? I am the oldest and the rules are completely different for me than my younger siblings. It screws them up more than it does me. I just chalk it up to more of the same. Maybe you do need to remove yourself from the situation.