AugustWest11

Into details or anything; as I have stated I am in a relapse I hate my life and if it wasn't for the love of My Ex. and our furry family I would have moved to my hometown so I could end it all .. It is apparent to me that I am in a "hole" and on a nasty path right now. I feel like the walls are closing in and I "have" to escape. Sadly it is the beers I run to for that ( Before I cross over to "drunk" I wanted to say; as I lift this beer, I don't want it .. I don't want to be here and I don't want to be "me" right now ..

I keep saying I don't wanna be in a no win situation; but that is where I feel I am at. I have been drunk\high since I was 13 and know no other way; and it freaks me out as well as scares the funk out of me .. I don't wanna die; in my mind and heart .. But if I keep it up I am headed that way ..

I am trying; just not hard enough I guess .. I have killed 6+ beers (not counting anymore) not to mention poured out more then I have drank; that was "my plan" :p

trikyriky

Yo, AW whatever it is , stop , take a walk , get outside
Gather yourself , talk to us

You have your furry friends , you have all of us

Cmmon man

Mizzuno

I am not sure what has provoked this, but it is obvious you see no other way around it but to drink. Is there a doctor that you have talked with about this severe depression that has taken over your being? If you do not want to drink, then please do not. There are over a million choices that could be made in this situation, and choosing the one that is detrimental to your life is no way to go.
Call a doctor?
Call a friend?
Go to a meeting?
Go for a walk?
Talk with us, and not in a vague way?
Watch a movie?
swim?
Work on a puzzle
Journal
Take up meditation
Take a bath, shower
Find resources of recovery online
Eat food and lots of it.
Are you hungry?

What has happened AW?

AugustWest11

Love this site; you guys are awesome knowing I am well on my way to drunk and still posting encouragement .. I respect and love that .. I can't explain it but right now am so lost in the "haze" I am angered mad frustrated sad depressed anything you can think of ..

TY Mizz personally Cause you have had the best suggestions for what I need to do and yet I have ignored them This hole is so deep; don't even think I can walk out of it I need to focus on tomorrow now; I need to deal w\ the hangover that will come and move on past this .. But it "feels" so much better right now not "feeling" anything at all ..

Mizzuno

I understand not wanting to feel. I mean, I have my moments where the feelings and daily life are too much. If I can pull myself up out of the hell that I was in 5 months ago, you can get to moving along with the right decisions and make a change. What will happen tomorrow that is different from today? The emotions will still be there.

What happened?

lessgravity

There's nothing to do but the thing. And that's not drink.

I know where you are at. Enjoy your last, horrible drunk.

One like I liked I read recently about getting sober is - I need to do suffering well. The idea that it's not just pink clouds of happy times - but life is suffering, on all different levels. When we drink we aren't just not living well, not loving well (ourselves or others), not working well - we aren't even suffering well. We're just feeding the demon.

Get some sleep later. Start on the road again tomorrow.

AugustWest11

Nothing in particular happened .. I am just so over whelmed right now; I want to die I am actually sad I have no balls to end it right now I see no future;p no bright light; and no hope .. I am not suicidal cause I have no balls .. Just self destructive ...

Mizzuno

AW, I think that calling a doctor is in order. These thoughts are not healthy, and although people think these things, calling for help is the best thing to do. Life can be so much different. This is about the decisions that are being made by you.
I have read in many posts how miserable you have been. Why have you not gone to a doctor about depression? If you want to get healthy, you need to take the appropriate steps to do so. Please consider this. I know that you are drinking right now, and i hope that you come here in the morning to read everything once again. Life can be what you want it to be, you just have to be willing to take the steps to make positive things happen. Be open and willing.

AugustWest11

In taxichuisites; "Help" cost money .. Money I do not have right now I can barely afford to stay alive let alone a Doctor .. I see my regular family doctor next week to get meds for my pain; but other then that, I have no $$$ for a head doctor .. america is more of a 3rd world country then I realized I guess :p

Nuudawn

There are crisis' lines/centers in the U.S. no? I see a counsellor bi weekly through a local "transition house" who provides service to women and men in crisis/jeopardy. August there are options out there. Addiction hijacks the mind...and dammit..it doesn't solve anything. Sober August wasn't wanting to end his life!! That's the booze/addiction talking. Don't let it OWN you...it wants to...

You are so much more than your addiction. While your addiction is at the helm, August has no voice. Take back the rights to you. YOU own you. Don't let the addiction take you down. It's NOT YOU. It's an enemy to fight...and you CAN get out from under it. Yes you can!

AugustWest11

Ty ND; ironic as I read your reply; my little man cheese; starts meowing at me I am so pathetic right now .. I am not usually this wreck that I have laid before you guys I try and be optimistic through all my BS .. I have tons of issues; physical and mental, tha I have survived 42 years through .. Yet I feel like a Little kid right now just learning to walk

Nuudawn

I feel like that all the time. I started drinking at about 16..that was 30 years ago. I had the wrong map a long, long time..and I did further damage to damages I already had and didn't know about.

So much of this is about starting all over again my friend : )

AugustWest11

I know; I do know that; w\ 70 days and then 60 under my belt; I know I have to face these things Yet I can not .. even worse part is 9 beers in and I still know this and still can type it :p

Pamel

AW, you can do this. Get some sleep and try again. Get that beer outta your system.

I KNOW it is hard. I cannot begin to tell you the mess I created for myself yesterday (1 DAY!! starting with one drink.) ...and now I am suffering for that. Please, not again, for you or for me.

keen2bclean

This is true for so many of us (13 for me then regularly from 16) ....put it down now AW...you are not pathetic, you are being pulled down by your addiction....sleep it off and come back with new hope

AugustWest11

Thanx N2B; I am trying .. but the tears the pain I am making excuses nowI know it .. But damn I swear tomorrow I have to step up and be the man I wanna be ...

keen2bclean

You can do it!!

trikyriky

Cmmon friend

If I remember you said this exact same thing weeks ago

Right now is the time , not next week

Go to your local hospital , tell them what you told us. They will help you

No need to prolong this

Tr

AugustWest11

I am sure I did Trik But; there is a difference .. I can not go to the hospital\ or I won't either or it's not happening either I am doing this on my own or I am dying trying If I was a gambler I would put my money on the 2nd part

AugustWest11

Finally in bed ..with my tab.. laying here shamed & embarrassed I even started this post. TY all again.