ersatzmatriarch

hi all!

so, i'm having an issue... and i've been spinning my wheels on it for a while, so i thought maybe some of you might have some guidance.

i know we talk a lot about old drinking "friends" dropping us in sobriety, but i'm having kind of an opposite issue. there's a girl that i've done some theatre with in the past... she's way younger than i am and we really don't have much to connect over... but she kinda latched onto me. now, when i was actively doing shows with her, things were fine. she's sweet, though very clingy, and we could have a conversation without problem.

the thing is, she seems to have developed more of a friendship with me than i did with her (if that makes sense), and when i was drunk and numb, it didn't bother me. now though, i'm just irritated with the constant calls and endless text messages.

i've let her know that i'm going through some big stuff in my life (i don't want to get more into it with her about my new journey), and that i'm not feeling really social. it didn't help.

another issue is that she's just starting to dip her feet in the waters of drinking and pot smoking college life... and though it's not a trigger for me, i just don't want to hear her stories.

i'm at a loss over how to deal with this. i need to keep it kind and gentle (i'm not looking to hurt her at all, and i'll be a board member of the company where she's got a directing gig this fall so i don't want to make it uncomfortable, either.)

anyone have any sage advice to help me through this? i don't want to hurt her, and i'm just learning in recovery what my boundaries are (but learning to express them is proving more difficult!) i appreciate any input, SR friends...

doggonecarl

I don't know how sage it is, but I think honesty is the key here. Tell her about your sobriety and recovery and how important it is and how your relationship is going to have to change. Tell her, ask for her support, and tell her how much it means, even at the risk of losing a friendship. Her understanding of the situation may be the only way she's not going to be majorly hurt.

Otherwise, tell her straight out and let her deal with her feelings. You are not intentionally hurting her, so rest easy. She's young and will rebound.

You MUST put your sobriety ahead of anything.

JettBoy

Sometimes with people like that they have to be told outright,subtle hints go unheard .its not your fault,sometimes people don't see what's right in front of them or can't read the writing on the wall. Hopefully you can just sit her down and straightforward tell her like you told us and she'll get it. I know for me,I hate confrontation of any kind,he'll,I hate to share in meetings,lol,but I understand why you have concerns. Just be kind and direct and spell it out for her,she'll get it. Good luck to you on this and do let us know how you made out ...

tomsteve

ypu, it would prolly be wise to share a lil of what you used to be like, what happened, and where yer at now.remove the fear of of talking about it yer journey. it could help her see where shes headed.

it can be hard, but ya gotta put you and yer recovery above everything at this time.

360shoes

I'm no sage by any stretch but I had to fire someone at my job for drinking and partying at work...and his Mom is my friend. It was a tough one. Talk about uncomfortable on so many levels.

I don't know. You may want to consider just keeping it simple and just say no thank you when asked to do something. I've found that less is sometimes more. A simple I can't right now I'm super busy maybe some other time doesnt sound mean but doesn't leave much open for more discussion. Body language says a lot. When you say it, give her a hug and mean it. Intent communicates pretty well. I think people can pick up that you care even when you are telling them you can't do something.

I know that for me, I always knew what I should do, I just needed practice doing it since I had years of avoiding it. We all have every right to take care of ourselves and we don't have to be mean doing it.

You sound like a nice person. She probably already knows that. Just do what you need to do.