Desilynn

I have been sober for just over a year. I celebrated my Birthday on July 28th! My last days of drinking happened with my so. The blackouts were too much, my life had become unmanageable, and so I joined AA, got a sponsor and started working the steps. Since I've quit, I've also quit being around alcohol and of course stopped hanging in circles of people who drink. My so still drinks. So far he's never drank around me. Which is really important to me, as I do not put myself in situations where I'll be around drinking and I feel that shows his respect for me and this new road I'm trudging on. The problem is I think he's becoming resentful. He said yesterday he thinks I am controlling him, because he "can't" drink around me. I'm afraid he's about to leave and if it's because he can't drink, I think that's probably good for my sobriety? It's hard because I love him and I'm also pregnant with his baby. There's also this part of me that wonders if I am being too uncompromising. I know that this is not about controlling him, like he mentioned, or is it? I don't think so, because this boundary was put in place the day I quit drinking and that included the five months we were broke up for in the last year. Meaning, if he's in my life or not, this is how I've chosen to live. I just want to be safe and I don't have a desire to be around alcohol. Also, I especially don't want to be around him drinking as he was my drinking buddy and I think he'd be my biggest trigger of all. I wish he could understand how hard this last year has been and how much courage and strength it's taken and that I want him to be happy and fulfilled and not feel controlled, but the not being around alcohol is about me, not him. And I don't know if I'll ever feel okay around it... Add-on, I'm really, really trying to be fine w/ his drinking w/ friends away from me, but my addict tries to get jealous and feel like an outsider.

My questions are am I asking too much? Am I projecting? Or are these reasonable boundaries? Is this relationship simply doomed? I appreciate your time and thoughts.

ersatzmatriarch

desi...

you seem pretty clear when you say "this is how i've chosen to live", so if he or she can't or won't respect that, you can choose to respect your own wishes.

have you talked to him/her as fully and clearly as you put it here? maybe SO just doesn't understand?

i don't really have a great response, because the experience i'm living is very different. i used to drink with my husband, but i'd drink long before he joined me after work, i'd pound a bottle of wine to his one beer, and i'd keep drinking after he went to bed. he's not an alcoholic, so i'm comfortable with him having a beer after work if he wants.

though i can't relate directly to your issues here, i saw on the other thread that you're really reaching out for help... so all i've really got is be open with your SO about where you stand in this, and then turn it over. we can't control one single thing about anyone else. all we can do is keep doing the next right thing for ourselves and our recovery.

i hope you two can come to a place of peace with this...

Anna

Personally, I might handle it differently. I don't want to be around people who drink either, but sometimes it happens and it's okay. If my husband (not an alcoholic) wanted to drink at home, I would leave the room and find something else to do. After all, the alcoholism is my problem, not his.

If you are sticking to your boundary, then his drinking around you will not work for you. And, it sounds like his drinking when you are not present is also a problem and I would hope that you might be able to step back from that and not feel jealous.

I also think that there is the issue of you being pregnant with his child. I assume you will want him to be part of your child's life, so hopefully the two of you can work out something so you remain friends with each other for your child's sake.