Dollyangel17

Hi all,

I have been thinking the last couple days about something that has always annoyed me a little, but now that I am sober...I am thinking it bothered me a LOT more than I realized.

I have always had this feeling that I couldn't quiet measure up to my "saint" of a husband. Not only did his family make me feel unworthy of their son, but even my own family would often make me feel as though I didn't deserve such a fine man. Everything was "oh poor Joey!" Even if he did something wrong...somehow that translated into "poor joey". Now don't get me wrong...my family loves me (his...unlikely), and they probably had no idea how this always made me feel, but it still bothered me.

Now...allowing family members to make me feel that way is not good, and partially my own issue, but there were times that my own husband unknowingly made me feel inferior. He would often times tell me that he would tell his friends/co-workers how wonderful I was, and would even make up lies to make me out to be some super wife. This always bothered me because it made me feel that he wasn't proud of the real deal me...faults and all.

I feel as though when we were dating he had me up on some pedestal, and then after we were married and the rose colored glasses came off, and didn't want to let go of that perfect image.

I am wondering if part of the reason I drank so much is because I couldn't cope with those expectations.

Sorry to ramble, but these thoughts have just been popping into my head quite a bit recently...definitely something to think about, and I wonder if I should open up to my husband about all this soon.

ReadyAtLast

It's amazing isn't it how thoughts really come to the surface once we stop drinking. I have no advice on whether to discuss this with your husband or not.

I do know though that when I first joined SR I used to read that the main cause of relapse was resentment. I never understood this at first.Now I know that anger,fear, disappointment, envy, hatred, jealousy are all resentments and after 2 relapses last year because of those issues now understand it is something I need to work on to develop as a person.also,the constant,incessant thoughts about the past,me,anxiety etc didn't help

I've started reading about the "Women for Sobriety"programme.I didn't do it when I got sober just started recently but it really addresses many of the issues in your post. Maybe you'll find it helpful.

Not sure if I'm allowed to link but here goes

WELCOME TO WFS ONLINE!

Anna

It makes a lot of sense. I think many of alcoholics, me included, spent way too much time trying to be what I thought others wanted me to be. And, of course, in my mind I never measured up. It's not surprising that this issue has grown in importance to you since you stopped drinking. And, clearly it's something you need to deal with. My suggestion is to try to stop looking at what your husband and family members think of you, and work on what you think about yourself.

ImperfectlyMe

As you know I too have fell into the resentment puddle and I'm currently stuck there. I can tell you what I know about you you are far from inferior!!! You and I are the only original moms left in our mom group! We've been doing this together from day 1. You are a source if strength to me!!!! Inferior is the last word I use to describe you.

I have found at least in my case I ALLOW people to cause my resentment. Make myself the joke before they can go it first. Change the way you see yourself in your relationship. Joey is way luckier then anyone admits too to have you as his wife. I am also married to a "prodigal son". It's easy to loose your dreams in the pursuit of another's we perceive more deserving.

I think you are probably into something in regards to figuring out why you resorted to drinking. So much pressure to live up to your husbands perceived perfection. Guess what sometimes people try and break down the ones that they envy. Could be that those who make you feel unworthy are simple envious of who you are and what you have. Your imperfections make you beautiful!

Guess it's time for all of us to look at our resentments and see what role we play in them. I hate to sound like Stewart Smalley (SNL) but......
Say it
, “I’m good enough, I’m smart enough and gosh darn it, people like me!”
Hugs always here for you

Dollyangel17

Thanks Imperfect! I agree...it's time to work on me and to realize that I am not going to do everything right, and that's OKAY. I think that's why my drinking escalated even more after my daughter was born, because then I wasn't just fearing failure as a wife, but also as a mom.

I'm hoping that now that I can recognize these issues, I can work on them and not just let them fester into horrible resentments. I think I will talk with my husband how I have been feeling about all of this...maybe not right away, but soon.

Having everybody here as my own sounding board/cheering section is so incredibly important to my journey. It's comforting to know there is someone to talk to that has been here since the beginning...thanks Imperfect!!!

And thanks to you too Anna for your words of support, and you too Ready for your response and for the link to the WFS Online!!