alphaomega

My last 3 attempts, day nine is where I derail. My body gets all jazzed out, flu-ish, aches, dizzy, bout of nausea, anxiety, depersonalization, blah blah blah.

Basically, I feel ultra-hungover staring now for about a week thereafter.

DH always tells me this is where I throw the towel in.

I'm NOT giving up this time.

I hope...

HeadLump

Hang in there, Alphaomega! A whole new life is waiting for you on the other side of this mountain

Amajorityofone

Friend-

Stop feeling sorry for yourself, get off your ass, and go for a nice long walk. Don't worry about tmrw, next week, next month, or next year. Instead, put all of your energy into getting through this day and this day alone, sober.


I wrote this in my Journal on "day 9"


Day 9 – 4:07pm

A very, productive, day!

I did 12 pull ups, 40 push ups, 100 sit ups, a 12 mile bicycle ride and various weight machines at the gym. Bought my son lunch for his birthday and eat with him at school. Picked up my motorcycle from the Harley Davidson dealership and now, after Karen and I drop him off, it will finally be time for some much needed rnr.

Good luck and God Bless

soberclover

I suggest that you lose the "I hope"...........hoping in and of itself never got anyone sober. Sobriety happens when you become willing to do WHATEVER you need to do to not pick up a drink. Sobriety requires action. Surround yourself with people who KNOW what this is like. DH can support you but his statements are not helpful at all. This is life and death for some people. Active alcoholics don't live long happy lives.

visch1

Hi. I need face to face flesh meetings where people also understand what we are going through after we put the drug down. It will keep trying to control us for a long period if we let it and after a lot of years I still need AA to be part of my reminder. BE WELL

doggonecarl

This is an example of negative thinking and how you derail your sobriety. It's not the day. It's not the feelings. It's you saying, "day nine is where I derail."

Challenge those negative thoughts:

1. Be aware of what you are saying to yourself. Ask yourself –
“What is going through my mind?” or
“What is it about this situation that is upsetting me?”

2. Challenge your thoughts. Remember, just because you think something
doesn’t mean it’s true. Ask yourself –
Is this thought helpful?
Am I being realistic?
Is this an example of one of the common Automatic Negative Thoughts?

3. Consider the following strategies & ask yourself some of these questions:

Look for evidence:
What’s the evidence for and against my thought?
Am I focusing on the negatives and ignoring other information?
Am I jumping to conclusions without looking at all the facts?

Search for alternative explanations:
Are there any other possible explanations?
Is there another way of looking at this?
How would someone else think if they were in this situation?
Am I being too inflexible in my thinking?

Ptcapote

AO, I don't really have much to add to what the others have said above. I do want to tell you this, however.

This post of yours:

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...night-lot.html

has helped keep me sober when really difficult moments hit. It describes, perfectly, what I went through while drinking. Although I am not married and do not have kids, everything else is basically spot-on. I never, EVER, want to feel that way again and you capture that agony and shame so perfectly. (I'm sorry, I know that is kind of a weird compliment but it is true).

So, I don't know if you ever go back and read your posts but, if you do, this might be the best "post to future self" that I have ever read.

Hang in there, AO, and don't let your mind/AV pregame this for you. Day 9 is just that. Another day.

Lots of good wishes and vibes of strength and serenity coming your way right now...

dwtbd

I'm new to discussing sobriety with others , meaning I have thought in the past that I was trying to quit and stay quit and didn't talk about the fact that I was not quitting ,only trying with anyone.
My take is that sobriety is the natural state for humans, infants don't achieve sobriety ,anyone who does not drink or use drugs hasn't achieved or acted to gain something. Becoming drunk/high requires action, it seems focusing on trying to 'achieve' an unachievable thing wastes time and energy better spent on stopping the action that produces the unwanted effects.
Maybe this is why I have always been uncomfortable using that word and lately , given that I have recently stopped actions to achieve intoxication this is starting to stick out in reading discussions. Just me perhaps but I am really starting to not like the idea of achieving sobriety, and the baggage that seems to be tied up in that type of thinking(or maybe I'm grumpy and its just semantics, though I doubt it) anyway my 2 cents
hammer away

Nuudawn

Hey Alpha...lots of good advice here. And I'm glad Ptcapote brought up your initial post. That was a helluva piece of writing detailing a horrible lifestyle with alcohol in it.

I don't get hung up on my day counts? What am I counting? The days I'm living? What freakin' day will I be at when I'm 63? Although yesterday I did thinking about throwing myself a dinner party on my one year anny of sobriety...lol.(.a small intimate affair at a restaurant where I will pay for the meals..but nobody's booze if they're tacky enough to order booze at a sobriety party for heaven's sake!) I was just daydreaming...BECAUSE

What is really important to me is my NOW. I can only commit and control my now. I know what day I chose my sober life...that was an important damn day..the rest are just kinda...MY LIFE NOW.

What do you want your life to be? If you want sobriety, alcohol is non negotiable. You have to get through every moment sober. You have to push through whatever weird physical manifestations and anxietyies your brain is "conjuring" up on day 9.

And yes, you have to want to more than "hope"...you have to decide.

ZoeM

Bottom line is - do you REALLY want to go through withdrawals again? xx

alphaomega

Headlump - thank you. You are right, it's a mountain. But one I can scale if I keep my footing. And , I LOVE your emoticons.

AMajority - damn straight brother.

Sober- You are spot on. "Hope" in this disease gives us an exit strategy. There is only do or not do.

Visch - I am strongly considering going back to AA. I miss the sisterhood. The fraternization. The deep understanding that I don't get anywhere but with others who struggle. Thank you for the push.

Doggone - Dually noted. Printed out and posted in my journal. Thank you.

PtCapote - You made me both laugh out loud and made my heart happy. Its exceptionally comforting to know that someone has been strengthened by my struggle and my willingness to be fearless and share that. I got very touched by something Stacia posted today. If I knew how to quote I would share it. It's us.

DW - Sobriety as a natural state ? How novel. Thank you for reminding me.

Nuu - Regarding day counts, I have often thought about ditching them. They sometimes feel like an endurance run rather than a new state of being. Living. I LOVE LOVE LOVE the idea of the one year party. What a motivator. And, hell to the no, no booze allowed. That would just be nasty and counter intuitive.

There was an open bottle of Cakebread Chardonnay in my fridge that I had for about 2 weeks. DH bought it thinking if I drank the "good stuff" I wouldn't drink so much. HA ! Problem was I thought it tasted like caca. Worse than two buck chuck. That's why there was still a half bottle left. I took it out of the fridge this morning and poured it down the sink. The smell hit me with such a profound wave of gut blasting nausea that I immediately gagged and threw up in the sink. And continued to gag because I couldn't stop smelling it. It permeated my nostrils and got stuck up there. I had to stick two globs of Vicks Vaporub up my nose to stop the nausea.

One of my greatest gifts yet.

Thank you for the love guys. You help me keep my armor on.

dwtbd

hmm I sense sarcasm
my point was that it seems that being afraid of losing something , may blind us in protecting it from the real threats, drinking is the only thing that can rob us of sobriety
my av will use my fear of loss to make 'me' appear weak, the weakness is the feeling its after because it knows it can use it, day #whatever as a thing to be wary of is the ammo,, release the worry and it can't use fear as a foothold

alphaomega

Goodness no ! I meant no sarcasm whatsoever. That was a very thought provoking post for me. And I meant it with all sincerity that it was a novel idea for me. My heartfelt apologies if I offended you in any way. Was absolutely not my intention.

dwtbd

AO
Please do not ever worry about offending, no apologies needed. I can be fairly misanthropic, this whole idea of fellowship (even cyber) is new to me. Believe me I will probably always put in my 2 cents and will gladly be called on it, if it sounds like bs lets have at it. But I did think I had a pretty good point there, glad it made you think.
As misanthropic as I tend to be, I sincerely wish you well
Just keep hammering away at the effing AV, no matter(#) what day it is, the present is what we have and you got it!

Dee74

you can absolutely do this, AO.

you may not feel great all the way through - in fact, lets face it, you won't....but you will feel great eventually

stay true

D

silentrun

Go Alpha!