Genesu

Hello again.

I posted back in April. I was laid off, sexually assaulted by our roommate, binge drinking like mad on a daily basis since last summer with the boyfriend. We have always binged together, but with all the stress, I began drinking heavily even when he was at work. We began to argue and nitpick and the stress and drinking put me in the ER at the end of April for a three day stay due to the worst withdrawals and a nervous breakdown.

I soon as I left the hospital it was back home with the boyfriend. He promises to help, and of course we do not stop drinking. The roommate was kicked out, but dealing with stress, depression and alcoholism was tearing me apart, physically leaving me ill for days, just shooting on the couch or trying and failing to sleep.

I think I went most of June until now barely eating and sleeping at all. When not nauseous or passed out, I would drink to feel normal and kill the shaking. I finally said I had enough after a particularly terrible morning shaking like a leaf, out of beer and booze and just staring at the clock waiting for 7am so I could go buy a beer.

BF was very concerned and again we swore we had to quit because I feel like it's killing me. Even though we both binge heavily, my body is wracked while he can still function. I nightly have blackout moments or just don't remember things as they really happened.

I managed to go five days with no hard liquor as I tapered down with beer. The Rift between my bf and I was already deep. He was bringing over friends and coworkers to goof off and play on the computer with him who I didn't know, so I would be sitting by myself in the living room while they laughed.

Even the same day and every one of those five days I abstained from booze I realized he had gone to the liquor store and was sneaking drinks at his desk with these new friends.

Wait, you see me in this wrecked state, promise to help, and then not subtly are drinking ten feet away??

When I saw the mini bottles empty, he was at work. I busted out sobbing. We both drink way too much but I'm the only one with a problem, right? I thought it was so terribly unfair and I wanted vodka so badly it took everything not to go buy some. Instead I forced myself to take a nap and passed out from crying. I believe it was Thursday or th 4th day of not drinking and I was starting to feel better physically but I craved it so very badly.

Then of course Friday comes and his uncle shows up and of course since we always drink on Friday and I had been so good. ..... Well, you know how that goes.

Friday, Saturday, Sunday, DRUNK. Wake up Monday morning feeling like hell again, shaking, sick, wondering why I did it.

BF of three years Wakes up, screaming because it's Monday and he had to work. Then he tells me he's not happy and he's breaking up with me and I need to leave as soon as possible. He needs to find himself and that involves wanting to sleep with other people and go to fetish Parties o_O

This was so out of left field I thought he must be making it up to push me away. .. We've been running in circles for so long. He's depressed, I'm depressed, and he and I can't help each other get or stay sober.

After some drama I moved out with a friend. I had only met her once other than Internet chatting but luckily she is very sweet and doesn't drink much.

The past two weeks I've probably been back at bfs house more than not. We go through days where we're best friends and get along great, even considering getting back together, and then times when he is extremely rude, condescending and insulting. These tend to come on very quickly and even if I try to stay calm, he will escalate it to an argument which usually involves threatening to lock me out of the house again.

And of course we're drinking. So here I am at his place, trying to recover from shakes, vomiting all day and sweats.

I told him I'd be staying gone for a long time so I can concentrate on getting and staying sober before it kills me.

soberhawk

He Genesu,

Welcome.

It sounds hard :-(

You are a stronger when sober - (I try to tell my self) - but it is true.

least

Welcome back to SR! You've come to a very supportive place. I hope we can help you stop drinking for good.

LuLu13

Please be careful and consult a doctor for the detox as it tends to get worse every time.

Sorry you are going through all of this, keep posting!

Dorris

I'm sorry you have been through so much and still going through the struggles with your BF.

I think you having a place to stay with your friend is perfect timing and your chance to do something about turning your life around, it will be tough but you deserve so much more.

Stay close here and keep posting xx

Dee74

Hi Genesu

yeah I think if we want change, we need to make changes.

You'll find a lot of support and encouragement here

D

Genesu

Thank you all for your support.

I have been temporarily staying with the BF the past few days but we've been drinking a lot, woke up this morning and realized there is no way for me to get or stay sober here. I need to just stay with my new roommate, grab some good books, and try to relax from this mountain of stress I feel like I'm under.

When he called me earlier (he had accidentally run off with my keys in his briefcase, so I'm stranded until he gets home... not intentional, but grr), he mentioned he was at his friend's house fixing a computer and he'd be home shortly.

Then he had to mention he was drinking his friend's booze. WHY mention that when you know I've been sitting here feeling like crud all day, perusing sobriety forums for info and support? I didn't snap at him but I reiterated calmly that I cannot stay here or with him greatly due to alcohol always being in the house or around in some way, and my body physically cannot deal with another series of binge drinking.

I feel that sick, full feeling in my stomach right now and have all day. I haven't eaten all day, vomiting, gagging, extremely nervous, less shaky now than I was earlier. My head, heart and body have just had it right now. My spirit is limping.

I would go to a general practitioner for something to help with the withdrawal symptoms - it's not the worst I've been through but it would be nice if I still had some Ativan. Unfortunately since I'm laid off since April, I don't have insurance. I'll have to look around again tomorrow, call, and see what my options are. I'm not quitting cold turkey since my intake has been so frequent lately, but trying to get by just sipping a few beers and leaving liquor alone.

I do want to quit but I don't want to just STOP cold turkey and be a shivering sweaty mess in front of my new roommate. It's disgusting.

EndGameNYC

You don't mention that you're getting any help with this. Ideally, home is a place where we feel safe, can let down our guard and don't need to be anyone else but who we are. Doesn't sound like a safe place with your boyfriend.

I relapsed for three years after twenty five years without a drink. I ruined my life, and lost everything and everyone dear to me. Again. I couldn't function on my own near the end, and it was impossible for me to get sober and retain any sense of sanity on my own.

I hope that you're able to reach out for the help you so desperately need. That would be a great start for you.