sunset01

I'm sitting at my computer unsure of what to type or where to start, feeling quite anxious to say what I've only thought for a good while now.
I'm a 37yr old mother of 3, I wasn't a drinker at all until a few yrs ago. Family history of drinkers but none would admit to being alcoholics. I've been with my partner (also a drinker) for 20 yrs.
I've been lurking here for a few days and I realised that I am in fact an alcoholic (wow I typed it) I'd noticed that a lot of you questioned how often you'd gone without a drink in the last 6 months or a year and when I put that question to myself it was probably twice. I wake up every morning feeling groggy and dehydrated and promise myself that I am not going to drink tonight, however at the end of the day with the kids all tucked into bed, I find myself standing in front of the fridge saying to myself I'll only have one...fast forward to the end of the night.... 3 bottles later dropping into bed and waking up, kicking myself, feeling guilty.....what if something happens to one of my children in the middle of the night? I wont be able to take them to emergency.....too drunk to drive. I really don't want to feel this way anymore and I would like to be sober like I used to be. I feel like I'm on a roundabout I know something has to change I'm just wondering where to start. What techniques do you use to stop? How do you distract yourself when you think "I'll have that first beer". I do need help which is why I'm here I guess. There is much more to my story but if I don't press the submit button now I'm going to loose my nerve.

JumpnOn2

Hello Sunset. You've come to a real good helpful place if u are looking for support. I learned by lurking too.

ersatzmatriarch

hi sunset...

i'm 38, also a mom to 3 kids, and until 77 days ago i also drank 3 bottles of wine a night.

i'd known i was an alcoholic for a long time, but it got to the point where i just couldn't do anything more for another second except to surrender.

i got sober with AA, but that is definitely not the only way... it's just what works for me. i'm sure others will be along here to share their experiences.

i just want to let you know a few things: you are not alone, you can get sober and live a rich life in recovery, and you never have to feel this way again!

at the beginning, i just kept telling myself "i'm not drinking today" (or "i'm not drinking in these five minutes" as needed), and the 24 hours started to grow. it's a simple way to start... it's not easy, but so very worth it!

welcome to SR... stick around!

all my best to you...

Dollyangel17

Welcome Sunset! I am a 42 year old mom to a little girl. For me I keep my eye on the prize, and right now the prize is bedtime. Every day I work for that wonderful time I can lay my head on the pillow and know I didn't drink today. It gives me such a sense of peace and contentment,

Glad you joined us, stay and keep reading/posting...it's such a help!

Anna

Hi and Welcome,

I'm glad that you posted and are looking for support.

It's always a good idea to talk to your dr before detoxing from alcohol because detoxing can be dangerous. And, know that you can do this. I found that changing my daily routines was very helpful in the early days. I started going out for long walks after supper which was the hardest time for me. I removed some people from my life who were toxic. I knew that I had to embrace change to be able to recover.

SR has been my support for many years and I know that it will help you, too.

Dee74

Welcome sunset

I found simply being here - reading, posting and learning - was a great help. It's an enormous game-changer to know you're not alone

I'm really glad you found us

D

JumpnOn2

Hi again. Out with the dog earlier. I guess from some of what u read here you see some of u in some of us. I saw the same thing but I had been knowing I had an alcohol problem. To me this is an awesome place to come. I found SR by mistake when I Googled " liver" something(ie abnormality). Maybe the Lord does work in mysterious ways. In any case, I lurked around from March til 7 days ago and joined the August 2113 class. That was my right move. If u haven't checked the class out, please do. Hope to see u here again. Oh if you haven't guessed we all are after the same goal; sobriety.

Plenny

Hi sunset! That terrible feeling in the morning (I call it the 'tricked' feeling) is precisely the thing that will help you stop I think. The repeated instances of intending to have just one, but having much more and waking up feeling non-human haha! That's what inspired me to change my ways. And making a list. When you list the reasons to stop and the reasons to continue, it can be very motivating. And always thinking of the things you can have if you don't drink, anything that gives your life meaning that you couldn't have if you were drinking... It can motivate you to stop and hang on to those things.
In reference to the worry about if something happened to the children and you couldn't spring into action, that's another thing to think of when you open the fridge. I remember once when I was in a hurricane I was really drunk and I felt really vulnerable and helpless, and dumb and weak! I would normally think of myself as a great, resourceful person to have on your side during a zombie apocalypse or something, but not if I'm all drunk or hungover or passed out! You have lots of great things to think about when you get a craving I'd say...
Good luck! Proud of you for confronting it

sunset01

Thanks for the replies, I was struck by how good it feels to know that I'm not the only one. I realise that I have to do this, I also cannot bring myself to go AA. I have an aversion to all things religious, I grew up in a strict religious environment and it took me over 10 yrs to overcome the depression and anger towards that religion. I've spent the majority of my life feeling like I'm walking through a crowd but being totally alone, and it wasn't until I had my first daughter that I realised that I had no choice. I HAD to be ok....for her. That's also why I'm worried about this because my children aren't enough for me to just stop.... I cannot turn my sobriety over to a "higher power" the thought turns my stomach. (please don't be offended I don't have a problem with others believing this). I'm not sure if this even makes much sense. I just know that right now in this moment I've had enough.

Dee74

There's many different approaches and methods of recovery around these days - here's some links to some of the main players, including but not limited to AA:

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...formation.html

I recommend you visit the Secular Connections forum if you think you may benefit from a non 12 step approach

D

JumpnOn2

Sunset u can Google "AVRT" it's the one on the Rational Recovery website. I found this helpful dealing w that evil self centered evil manipulative fair weather friend... my addictive voice.

freshstart57

Glad you found us, Sunset, please keep posting and asking questions. The life you want is there waiting for you, you need just to reach out and grab hold, and never let go no matter what. The day will come for you too, when you can look back at today, and wonder why you ever waited so long.

Here is one person's experience with getting and staying sober, sticking to a plan to never drink again. It might be helpful to you.

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ined-long.html

silentrun

Hi Sunset.
I didn't start having a problem until I was in my 30's either. I let it go on for 10 years after I knew something wasn't right. I haven't used anything outside of this website. I get the whole aversion to the higher power because I grew up on "Armageddon Island". Took along time to right myself after that. I did have a moment at the beginning when I realized I had pushed it too far that felt spiritual. It's different than religion. Keep stringing those sober days together until you can heal.

Plenny

The only thing I have ever experienced that could be described as religious or connecting with a higher power was when one day I locked in to the concept of infinite interconnectedness. I find a lot of comfort in this site because of that. Hope it gives you strength as well!

sunset01

Thanks for all the links and the encouragement you don't know how much I really appreciate it. So ok.....I've decided today is the day...Today I'm going to give up alcohol and instead of putting the children to bed and going to the fridge I'm comming here to read and talk and change my routine. I want my life back and I'm sick of feeling guilty for things that only I can change.
My sister who I am very close to, my partner who is a drinker, brews his own, know nothing of how I am feeling about this. I am going to have to talk to him, open up and let him know, but I'm worried that he's not going to see it as a problem, I have no expectations of him.
I know I need to sort myself out and let the chips fall where they land. Before I got pregnant with my first child my partner and I were huge pot smokers that was in my depressed working out my childhood and religion period. I got pregnant and gave up the pot and havn't touched it since. But even given that experience I still am finding this harder. pathetic really. So I will be back, but right now I have to go pick my kids up from school.

Dee74

It's not pathetic. Giving up alcohol was the fight of my life really.

It's everywhere, it's socially sanctioned and, as an Aussie, it's like it's even ok to go a bit overboard...

I had to fight against all those social and cultural things and accept that, for me, alcohol was simply disastrous.

D

JumpnOn2

Ditto what Dee said. U are headed in the right direction!! SR has given me a lot of support and so shall u!!! Sunset hang tough

ReadyAndAble

Pathetic? Hardly. You're totally badass—you just can't see it yet, because you're in the middle of the story. The hero often feels pathetic and lost in the middle of the story. That's what makes them heroic—they do the right thing anyway, just like you're doing now.

Spoiler alert: this story has a fantastic ending, sunset! I found this place 2.5 years ago, feeling miserable and scared. I didn't post at first.... but reading the threads, it was like one light bulb after another went off. People were describing things I'd experienced, but never really been able to articulate. All these secret thoughts and behaviors—people here were talking about the same things! It was a revelation, for sure.

You are going to be so grateful you decided to quit. You'll get tons of info here. Quitting seems like a huge, scary sacrifice at first, but it's not, you'll see. That's just one of the illusions of addiction. Life is so much easier when you're free of it. I don't miss drinking at all. And spending time with my daughter is so much better now that I'm not obsessing over my next drink.

You are going to look back at this time and be super proud of yourself, just wait and see.

Nuudawn

Boy oh boy... did I ever used to resemble that remark. Glad you're here. So much great advice here. I just wanted to chime in with a welcome.

sunset01

ok pathetic was probably a bad use of words, in my heart of hearts I know it's not true, but that is the way I feel in my weaker moments. As an Aussie myself I understand what you are talking about Dee, it is an accepted norm to get hammered on the weekends and in the country town I grew up in it was expected almost. I was lucky because I didn't like the way people talked about it and resisted it. But your right!

@plenny I like your thinking of the universe as being interconnected (the universe, every thing on our planet conscious or not) but from the point of view that we are all connected as in made from the same stuff...it gave me great comfort to think like that....nowdays I prefer to put my faith in humans the only divinity is in the love and support and compassion we have for one another, for me thats enough.

Its the end of the day before my partner gets home and I'm starting to feel a little anxious because when he gets home is when my beer o clock, clock starts to tick. I think 2 night for me will be min by min. And I'm worried about being able to sleep tonight.