Boyfriend is recovering heroin addict.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2013
Posts: 9
Boyfriend is recovering heroin addict.
Hi, I'm new here. I suppose I just need someone to talk to.
I met my boyfriend in May of this year. 2 months after we got together he told me he was a recovering heroin addict. He'd got out of rehab at the end of December following a 6 year addiction. It came completely out of the blue. It took me some time to get my head around but I love and support him and I'm incredibly proud of everything he has achieved. What I am finding hard is that he is very unwilling to talk about it. He has said I'm free to ask him any questions I might have, but whenever I try he gets very angry and defensive and jumps down my throat. He has also asked me not to tell anyone, which I understand but it has resulted in me feeling very alone and as though I have no one to talk to. I don't understand enough about heroin addiction or methadone use to answer my own questions.
I have no doubt that my boyfriend loves me but he also has extreme mood swings. He goes between being incredibly loving and affectionate to very aggressive and argumentative. He also sleeps ALL the time. If he sits on the sofa for more than 5 minutes he falls asleep, no matter what the time of day and trying to wake him is like waking the dead! I don't know if this is just how he is or whether its related to his heroin use?
I suppose I just feel alone and confused and a bit lost. I feel like all he needs is love and support and time. To know that someone is proud of him and believes on him but sometimes he makes that very hard. I think more than anything I just need to know that I'm not going through this on my own. To know that there are people out there who understand and can maybe answer some of my questions.
I met my boyfriend in May of this year. 2 months after we got together he told me he was a recovering heroin addict. He'd got out of rehab at the end of December following a 6 year addiction. It came completely out of the blue. It took me some time to get my head around but I love and support him and I'm incredibly proud of everything he has achieved. What I am finding hard is that he is very unwilling to talk about it. He has said I'm free to ask him any questions I might have, but whenever I try he gets very angry and defensive and jumps down my throat. He has also asked me not to tell anyone, which I understand but it has resulted in me feeling very alone and as though I have no one to talk to. I don't understand enough about heroin addiction or methadone use to answer my own questions.
I have no doubt that my boyfriend loves me but he also has extreme mood swings. He goes between being incredibly loving and affectionate to very aggressive and argumentative. He also sleeps ALL the time. If he sits on the sofa for more than 5 minutes he falls asleep, no matter what the time of day and trying to wake him is like waking the dead! I don't know if this is just how he is or whether its related to his heroin use?
I suppose I just feel alone and confused and a bit lost. I feel like all he needs is love and support and time. To know that someone is proud of him and believes on him but sometimes he makes that very hard. I think more than anything I just need to know that I'm not going through this on my own. To know that there are people out there who understand and can maybe answer some of my questions.
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Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,469
Hi and Welcome,
What I hear from you in your post is how much you are trying to help and support your boyfriend. But, what I don't hear, is what is he doing to be loving and supportive of you? My suggestion is that you might want to check out AlAnon as a support for yourself, and we also have a forum on these boards for Friends & Families of Substance Abusers, where you can find lots of information.
What I hear from you in your post is how much you are trying to help and support your boyfriend. But, what I don't hear, is what is he doing to be loving and supportive of you? My suggestion is that you might want to check out AlAnon as a support for yourself, and we also have a forum on these boards for Friends & Families of Substance Abusers, where you can find lots of information.
Grateful to be free
Join Date: May 2009
Location: Arizona
Posts: 3,680
It might not have anything to do with his past heroin addiction. Maybe this is just who he is and the two of you aren't compatible. It's a very young relationship and you two are still in the getting to know you phase. If a relationship isn't working out, it's OK to move on.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2012
Posts: 4,966
Hello, runawaytrain and welcome to SR. I'm glad you posted. I'm I recovering oppiate addict. My doc are Oxys, Percs, hydro, morphine etc. Heroine is also in the oppiate family. In early recovery, after the acute WD phase, we go through the paws phase. During this phase we often suffer from mood swings, insomnia and lack of energy. In fact I am going through this right now. My emotions are all over the place. I will send you the link for paws.
Why We Don’t Get Better Immediately: Post-acute Withdrawal Syndrome (PAWS) | What...Me Sober?
Now, that being said, a relationship is all about supporting each other. I agree with Anna, that you need to ask yourself who is doing all the supporting. Perhaps you need to think about what is in it for you. What is he doing to make you happy?
Why We Don’t Get Better Immediately: Post-acute Withdrawal Syndrome (PAWS) | What...Me Sober?
Now, that being said, a relationship is all about supporting each other. I agree with Anna, that you need to ask yourself who is doing all the supporting. Perhaps you need to think about what is in it for you. What is he doing to make you happy?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2013
Posts: 9
Hi, thanks so much for all your advice - it really helps and helps to know I'm not alone. CleaninLI, the info about PAWS was really interesting and definitely linked in with a lot of my boyfriends behaviour.
I think what I find hard is the fact he isn't open to talking about it. I suggested to him that it's still very early days. That we're at the beginning of a road to recovery but we could get there together. His response was to get very angry and say "I've done my time in rehab. I'm clean, I'm better and I just want to move on with my life. You're being ridiculous". Maybe I'm completely wrong and he's right but I feel like there is a huge emotional side to it that he just hasn't dealt with.
My other concerns are the amount he drinks. He gets through a bottle of wine every night, often more but he's very secretive about it. Often lying or defending the amount he's drunk even though I never ask or question him on it. He says its to help him sleep because he suffers from bad insomnia but I'm terrified he's replaced one addiction with another. Or maybe I'm being over sensitive because I know about his past?
He is in huge amounts of debt but seems to have no idea how to budget. Even this month he had to take out a payday loan to get through. He's 37 and he has a good job, he just doesn't ever seem to have learnt how to manage money. In lots of ways it's like he's never learnt how to manage real life. I tried to talk to him about it last night but he takes any form of (what he perceives to be) criticism incredibly personally and again got very angry with me.
It's hard because I have 2 children and he is great with them. They adore him and he adores them. I see flashes of this wonderful man that I believe he is deep down but there is so much anger and so many defenses that he has wrapped around himself. He's a closed book. No one gets in, not really.
I worry that he misses the days when he used. Sometimes when he talks about heroin, it is almost fondly.
I want us to be ok and I want him to be happy again. He has been through so much and he still sees himself in such a negative way often referring to himself as a junkie, baghead, skaghead etc.
Maybe it will just take time and patience.
Thanks again for all your advice, for your time and for listening. I feel a million times better just for getting it all off my chest! I will check out the forum for friends and family, and also AlAnon.
I think what I find hard is the fact he isn't open to talking about it. I suggested to him that it's still very early days. That we're at the beginning of a road to recovery but we could get there together. His response was to get very angry and say "I've done my time in rehab. I'm clean, I'm better and I just want to move on with my life. You're being ridiculous". Maybe I'm completely wrong and he's right but I feel like there is a huge emotional side to it that he just hasn't dealt with.
My other concerns are the amount he drinks. He gets through a bottle of wine every night, often more but he's very secretive about it. Often lying or defending the amount he's drunk even though I never ask or question him on it. He says its to help him sleep because he suffers from bad insomnia but I'm terrified he's replaced one addiction with another. Or maybe I'm being over sensitive because I know about his past?
He is in huge amounts of debt but seems to have no idea how to budget. Even this month he had to take out a payday loan to get through. He's 37 and he has a good job, he just doesn't ever seem to have learnt how to manage money. In lots of ways it's like he's never learnt how to manage real life. I tried to talk to him about it last night but he takes any form of (what he perceives to be) criticism incredibly personally and again got very angry with me.
It's hard because I have 2 children and he is great with them. They adore him and he adores them. I see flashes of this wonderful man that I believe he is deep down but there is so much anger and so many defenses that he has wrapped around himself. He's a closed book. No one gets in, not really.
I worry that he misses the days when he used. Sometimes when he talks about heroin, it is almost fondly.
I want us to be ok and I want him to be happy again. He has been through so much and he still sees himself in such a negative way often referring to himself as a junkie, baghead, skaghead etc.
Maybe it will just take time and patience.
Thanks again for all your advice, for your time and for listening. I feel a million times better just for getting it all off my chest! I will check out the forum for friends and family, and also AlAnon.
Canine Welfare Advocate
Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: Norfolk, VA
Posts: 10,962
Three months into a dating relationship with a newly recovered heroin addict who sounds like he's replacing that drug with alcohol.
Early dating is a time to discover if two people in a relationship are compatible. That you have shared values, shared beliefs, have no bad habits that grate on each other's nerves. If you are not a match, there's no crime in moving on to a healthier relationship. That's what dating is for.
Why is your bf's addict behavior compatible to you?
You have more than yourself and your possible bad choices to contend with. You have kids and they deserve an environment that doesn't entail future or possibly ongoing substance abuse.
Early dating is a time to discover if two people in a relationship are compatible. That you have shared values, shared beliefs, have no bad habits that grate on each other's nerves. If you are not a match, there's no crime in moving on to a healthier relationship. That's what dating is for.
Why is your bf's addict behavior compatible to you?
You have more than yourself and your possible bad choices to contend with. You have kids and they deserve an environment that doesn't entail future or possibly ongoing substance abuse.
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Join Date: Aug 2013
Posts: 9
Thank you, doggonecarl. I really appreciate you taking the time out to rely and I know that what you're saying makes complete sense. I suppose it's because when things are good they are REALLY good. In so many ways he is a beautiful person. I see so much light and good in him. I also don't want to give up on him, or add to his feelings of failure by walking away so early on when I feel that all he needs is time and love and patience. To get used to being in a relationship with someone who isn't an addict.
I am, however, very aware of the children and I know that at some point I have to draw the line.
I suppose that's why i'm here. To try to find out whether his behaviour's are worrying and should be of concern to me, or whether i'm over reacting simply because I know about his past. To talk to people who understand and can give me advice based on knowledge, not fear.
I am, however, very aware of the children and I know that at some point I have to draw the line.
I suppose that's why i'm here. To try to find out whether his behaviour's are worrying and should be of concern to me, or whether i'm over reacting simply because I know about his past. To talk to people who understand and can give me advice based on knowledge, not fear.
Canine Welfare Advocate
Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: Norfolk, VA
Posts: 10,962
I wish you the best. You will most likely get a lot of alarmist replies that don't give your relationship much chance...from the F & F who live with the chaos of addiction and are trying to spare you the anguish...and from addicts like me who realized, too late, the devastation our drinking and drugging caused our loved ones.
No one loved me clean and sober. Recovery was my doing.
Originally Posted by Runawaytrain29 
...I feel that all he needs is time and love and patience.
Recovering ostrich
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Tampa Bay, Florida
Posts: 2,551
Hi runaway, welcome to SR. The thing that stands out from what you have shared is the "we" statements. "We are at the beginning if the recovery road," and "we can make it". His recovery is that, it is his. He has to do it and want to do it.
If you all began in May, this should be your honeymoon phase, that naive, obnoxious, he makes the moon and stars shine time. It's worrisome that it isn't.
Check out the friends and family section, I think you would see similar stories and get a lot of advice. Best of luck!
If you all began in May, this should be your honeymoon phase, that naive, obnoxious, he makes the moon and stars shine time. It's worrisome that it isn't.
Check out the friends and family section, I think you would see similar stories and get a lot of advice. Best of luck!
Member
Join Date: Aug 2012
Posts: 3,777
There is a lot being wrapped up into this with such a NEW relationship. I agree with Carl, that he has replaced his heroin abuse with Alcohol. Switching addictions can happen, especially when we are not in Recovery. Just the fact that he is unwilling to talk about his past with you is an huge RED FLAG. His recovery is his alone. You need to take care of yourself. Please do not think that this is your road to walk. It is not. Never will be.
I am not saying to end the relationship, but I am saying that there is WAY to much to be dealt with in a new found love. Are you ready for this?
I am not saying to end the relationship, but I am saying that there is WAY to much to be dealt with in a new found love. Are you ready for this?
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Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: Somewhere in Wisconsin
Posts: 661
I guess the burning question is: If he is lying and being secretive about the amount he is drinking, how do you know he's not using heroin as well?
If it were me, I would break it off. Too many issues too early in the relationship. A relationship cannot grow based on lies. And if he's drinking every night, it's only going to get worse.
If it were me, I would break it off. Too many issues too early in the relationship. A relationship cannot grow based on lies. And if he's drinking every night, it's only going to get worse.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2013
Posts: 9
Doggonecarl, thank you. And you're right, I can't love him better. I know he has to do that himself, but it never hurts to have someone by your side that believes in you.
Tamerua - thank you! I have also posted this thread in the friends and family section and have had a lot of advice which helps so much. Your advice about it being his road is really helpful. Maybe I take on too much, try to take on something that isn't mine to take on or understand. I suppose recovery is a very personal thing and all I can do is support him from the sidelines rather than walking down the road with him. I do know it shouldn't be like this so early on and I feel sad that we have missed our honeymoon period. It does worry me too.
Mizzuno - thank you as well. Your post hit home and has made me aware that perhaps I should listen to that niggling voice inside me rather than trying to quiet it. it is a very new relationship and the first sober relationship he has been in for 7 years. And again, thank you for pointing out that the road to recovery is not mine to walk. I think I really needed to hear that and take a step back. I suppose it is all too easy to get wrapped up in wanting to make others better (as a mum, my instinct is to protect and look after people) but in this situation, it is not right or helpful.
Eleni58 - Thank you for taking the time out to reply. I suppose I think I would know if he was using? We are together or at work most of the time and I haven't seen any signs but then I have never been around heroin or users so maybe I wouldn't know what to look for?
I think perhaps he is secretive about the drinking because he worries I will judge him on it . I have told him I don't like who he becomes when he has been drinking, and I would prefer it if he didn't. He always promises to stop, but he hasn't yet.
I know that if a friend was telling me all this, I would tell them to walk away but as I said to doggonecarl, I see so much good and light in him that I don't feel I can walk away, not yet. I still believe he just needs time and patience and love.
Tamerua - thank you! I have also posted this thread in the friends and family section and have had a lot of advice which helps so much. Your advice about it being his road is really helpful. Maybe I take on too much, try to take on something that isn't mine to take on or understand. I suppose recovery is a very personal thing and all I can do is support him from the sidelines rather than walking down the road with him. I do know it shouldn't be like this so early on and I feel sad that we have missed our honeymoon period. It does worry me too.
Mizzuno - thank you as well. Your post hit home and has made me aware that perhaps I should listen to that niggling voice inside me rather than trying to quiet it. it is a very new relationship and the first sober relationship he has been in for 7 years. And again, thank you for pointing out that the road to recovery is not mine to walk. I think I really needed to hear that and take a step back. I suppose it is all too easy to get wrapped up in wanting to make others better (as a mum, my instinct is to protect and look after people) but in this situation, it is not right or helpful.
Eleni58 - Thank you for taking the time out to reply. I suppose I think I would know if he was using? We are together or at work most of the time and I haven't seen any signs but then I have never been around heroin or users so maybe I wouldn't know what to look for?
I think perhaps he is secretive about the drinking because he worries I will judge him on it . I have told him I don't like who he becomes when he has been drinking, and I would prefer it if he didn't. He always promises to stop, but he hasn't yet.
I know that if a friend was telling me all this, I would tell them to walk away but as I said to doggonecarl, I see so much good and light in him that I don't feel I can walk away, not yet. I still believe he just needs time and patience and love.
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Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: De
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Nodding off is typical of heroin use. IMHO, as an recovering addict, I cannot drink safely. It's just substituting one drug for another. No one can fix another addict, only the addict themselves can. All the love in the world is not going to fix it.
With all these issues three months in, and with children in the equation, I see only red flags indicating that its time to move on.
With all these issues three months in, and with children in the equation, I see only red flags indicating that its time to move on.
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