WritingHelps

It's pretty crazy how often I catch myself thinking things like, see you're fine. You'll be able to have a drink or two at your cousins wedding. You see what you've been doing wrong and now you can correct it. You haven't been trying hard enough.

Yeah, I know not to listen to that voice, but it's scary how frequently it creeps into my thoughts. Not all consuming, but in the back of my head, which is almost worse.

One thing I read on here that I really appreciated is that if you have to think THAT HARD about keeping drinks in moderation, are you having any fun anyway? Of course not. Because when I drink, I want to keep drinking. I don't want to drink every day, but when I do, I want to be bombed. The in between doesn't work for me. Unless there were maybe some other drugs to do in the meantime between drinks.

So that's what I tell myself when I catch that voice creeping up. Moderation is more miserable than sobriety. Because when I do moderate, I'm not enjoying myself and when I don't moderate I regret it. I'm not THRILLED to not drink again, it's a huge adjustment socially, but I will be happy to just do away with worrying about whether tonight will be the night I do/say something really stupid.

Day 9, though, and not doing too bad. Just bored, staying in a lot. I can take bored for now, though.

BarbieKen

Moderate? Damn I tried controlling my alcohol in every imaginable way this drunk's mind could think of, nothing new I'm sure. I don't know what happened, can't explain it logically BUT I believe a power greater than myself intervened in my life back in November. The games were over, I quit, I surrendered.....went into De-tox (WTF?), but immediately felt this sense of relief truly taking this physical weight off my body. Straight out of De-tox my husband drove me to the Womens Rehab I had chosen. Again, the weight of my hell off my shoulders. RELIEF, I can't express how deeply I feel that still. From November 12th till right now I have not craved or wanted alcohol. I'm not bored, doing stuff everyday for mt sobriety.....meetings, being of service, the gym, reading, coming here on SR every evening. I do believe that my life started when I stopped. Why not try something new tomorrow for your recovery from alcoholism? Bobbi

Eleni58

16 days sober and fortunately, I have yet to have the AV telling me it's okay to have one or two or that I can moderate or control it. I don't know why?? I read so many posts on here about newly recovering alcoholics whose AV bugs them all the time. Where is my AV? Did I kill it perhaps? Or maybe it never existed in my mind. Or maybe it's really buried deep just waiting for the perfect opportunity--waiting, patiently waiting until it thinks I am weak and vulnerable before it speaks up.

instant

Moderation is misery for the reasons you mentioned. I am never full or satisfied, but life is infinitely better without the torment of drinking.

ReadyAtLast

This was me. After the first week I didn't find it TOO difficult. Then at 6 weeks,totally out of nowhere out it leapt-bang I drank. I had not developed any skills at dealing with the AV and thought I was home and dry.It's good you are aware that your AV may strike, often when you least expect.

WH-9 days is still so early and very normal for your AV to be present. As time goes on your thoughts of drinking will lessen.As Dee says, each time you don't give in you build up your sober muscles and next time it's not as difficult

Congrats on 9 days

WritingHelps

Thanks guys. I think that I'm thinking like this because there wasn't any big traumatic event that led me to quit (this time, anyway). So last time I quit I was drinking a lot more and a lot more frequently than this time. I was miserable and worried about myself and a few relationships in my life. I quit, got it sort of together... and then eventually started with a drink here or there which obviously got a bit out of control again.

But, the last time I quit I was sooo devoted at first and didn't have any nagging ideas to drink. In fact, it nearly gave me anxiety to even think of drinking, because I was so ashamed of the way I'd been acting. Eventually those feelings diminished.

This time, I was just worried I might be heading down that path again. Nothing particularly bad has happened in recent time from drinking (except driving, I get too comfortable driving after a few drinks). So although I don't feel as gung-ho as I did the first time around, I think this time is feeling more real. I have these thoughts, I kind of want to listen to them because that would be easier, but I don't.

Like I said, they aren't real urges to drink, just a nagging little voice in the back of my head that I once in a while have to tell to shut up. Not literally. I don't talk to myself Well, ok, maybe a little!

jojoreese

It took me reading on here a bit to figure out what an AV was, but now that I get it, I understand my problem much better. My AV is a LOUD MOUTH and always has been. She starts talking to me when the first issue arises at work and doesn't shut up until I stop at the gas station on the way home. I am wrapping up day two (with a red slushy) , but tomorrow I will have a gag ready for my AV. I hate her. I will make her go away eventually when she realizes she can't bully me anymore. I hope you stay strong and find a gag for your AV too!!! Thanks for posting about this!

resolute50

My AV always tries to change in what direction I head home from work.
And it's been a constant "NO!",no pit stop for me.
Day 16 drawing to a close for me tonight.

I also had that ole AV bothering me today at 12:01pm.
I used to be in the parking lot of a local establishment waiting.
What a sad life I was leading.

Oh and JoJo, on day 2!!!

least

Well done on nine days sober!

Amajorityofone

Moderation is like getting in bed with the devil and telling him we're not going to phuck.Instead, focus on getting through this day and this day ONLY with no regrets.

Good luck and God Bless

freshstart57

Things got a bunch easier for me when I stopped dreading my AV and realized it had no power over me. That meant that I wasn't twisting my hankie any more, wishing it would go away. I just accept now that once in a while I get that *ping*, my AV just doing what it does. Meh. I stare at it, give it my attention and understand it for what it is, and it goes away.
I have the power over my actions, not my dying gasping addiction. My AV is powerless, and I am just not afraid of it anymore.