anxiety about AA meetings.
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Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: Central California
Posts: 322
anxiety about AA meetings.
Warning: on my phone so spelling and grammar may be interesting. Not used to new phone.
Ok, so I have some anxiety in social settings. I've always been shy. I literally panic in speaking situations outside of the classroom. Anyway, ive gone to meetings on and off in the past, and it seems as though I always get called on to speak/share. It's seriously borderline ridiculous. I know there are plenty of others slipping through the cracks at these meetings. I live in a big town, too, so the meetings are usually pretty full.
I've mentioned in the past that I'm non-religious, but that aspect of AA meetings doesn't bother me. The religious parts of the steps bother me, but I've already decided I'm not doing those. I can deal with others sharing about God and saying the Lord's prayer. Whatever. I think an individual's sense of God and spirituality can be beautiful. I just don't believe personally. The sharing,though, kills me unless I'm in a women's meeting. And even then, it's not that fun for me. I go because I like to listen.
So on my first go with AA in 2011, I learned after several weeks to introduce myself when called on and say simply that I'd just like to listen. I felt that I got what I needed, and that I could always share when I got more comfortable. Then one day, a old timer (I hope it's politically correct to say that here) went off about people not sharing, that we'll never make it if we don't and that those people with court cards (I didn't have one), were just going to get them signed. He said people who don't share are selfish because their stories could help another person. Blah, blah, blah.
I didn't go back for months after that and this place is my preferred one of the many in my area for several reasons. I ended up getting pregnant very soon afterwards and felt I was "cured." Cured lasted about 10 months. So in the past 3 months or so that I've been trying to get sober, I've only gone to a small handful of meetings. Women's meetings. I think this is bad because I obviously need more, but of all the positive experience I've had at AA, this one sticks to me. It made me feel bad which overshadows all the other good feelings I've had with it.
Advice on what to do in this situation is appreciated.
Ok, so I have some anxiety in social settings. I've always been shy. I literally panic in speaking situations outside of the classroom. Anyway, ive gone to meetings on and off in the past, and it seems as though I always get called on to speak/share. It's seriously borderline ridiculous. I know there are plenty of others slipping through the cracks at these meetings. I live in a big town, too, so the meetings are usually pretty full.
I've mentioned in the past that I'm non-religious, but that aspect of AA meetings doesn't bother me. The religious parts of the steps bother me, but I've already decided I'm not doing those. I can deal with others sharing about God and saying the Lord's prayer. Whatever. I think an individual's sense of God and spirituality can be beautiful. I just don't believe personally. The sharing,though, kills me unless I'm in a women's meeting. And even then, it's not that fun for me. I go because I like to listen.
So on my first go with AA in 2011, I learned after several weeks to introduce myself when called on and say simply that I'd just like to listen. I felt that I got what I needed, and that I could always share when I got more comfortable. Then one day, a old timer (I hope it's politically correct to say that here) went off about people not sharing, that we'll never make it if we don't and that those people with court cards (I didn't have one), were just going to get them signed. He said people who don't share are selfish because their stories could help another person. Blah, blah, blah.
I didn't go back for months after that and this place is my preferred one of the many in my area for several reasons. I ended up getting pregnant very soon afterwards and felt I was "cured." Cured lasted about 10 months. So in the past 3 months or so that I've been trying to get sober, I've only gone to a small handful of meetings. Women's meetings. I think this is bad because I obviously need more, but of all the positive experience I've had at AA, this one sticks to me. It made me feel bad which overshadows all the other good feelings I've had with it.
Advice on what to do in this situation is appreciated.
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Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: California
Posts: 30
Don't let one one guy said ruin it for you. He doesn't sound like a very sensitive person. It's not your responsibility to speak if you don't want to. You can always speak in the future when you feel comfortable. There shouldn't be any pressure on you.
This is your recovery and you need to do what makes sense to you and helps you stay sober. I know it's hard not to take what others say personally, I do it too! I just have to keep reminding myself to not let the behavior of others control me or make me feel bad about myself.
This is your recovery and you need to do what makes sense to you and helps you stay sober. I know it's hard not to take what others say personally, I do it too! I just have to keep reminding myself to not let the behavior of others control me or make me feel bad about myself.
Keeping it simple!
Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: Surrey, BC
Posts: 3,282
Originally Posted by amandaw 
Then one day, a old timer (I hope it's politically correct to say that here) went off about people not sharing, that we'll never make it if we don't and that those people with court cards (I didn't have one), were just going to get them signed. He said people who don't share are selfish because their stories could help another person. Blah, blah, blah.
Take what you need from the meetings and leave the rest behind.
It isn't up to me to decide what someone else does in their recovery or if they decide to share at a meeting.
At the end of the day, the person is there. That to me is all that matters. Better to be at a meeting than not there at all.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: South Bay, So Cal
Posts: 6,116
Hi Amandaw,
I'm uncomfortable sharing as well. The times I have, I think to myself "What the Hell did I just say, that made no sense at all Bobbi!" I will be 9 months sober Monday, and first time in my whole life that I decided to quit drinking (55 yrs old). I attend 3 different Meetings, and a Big Book Study each week. LOVE IT! However, I'm not a Christian. Not any organized religious type. In my BB Study for the last 2 weeks we've been going over the chapter "We Agnostics". I'm taking it in, great meeting. We laugh, discuss, and learn. I got out of Rehab and "stumbled" upon Jimmie's BB Study! In any of my weekly meetings, I am not pressured into sharing. Old timers(that's what I hear them called) have double digits in TIME, that doesn't mean they ALL apply the Principals in their daily lives. There are so many 12 Step meetings, how about trying new ones? You stated you go to Women's Only, I've never been to one since leaving rehab. I will probably one day, but after a month of living with other women, I needed a rest. Keep on keeping on...and all those other slogans that keep us on the road to Recovery. It does work. Bobbi
I'm uncomfortable sharing as well. The times I have, I think to myself "What the Hell did I just say, that made no sense at all Bobbi!" I will be 9 months sober Monday, and first time in my whole life that I decided to quit drinking (55 yrs old). I attend 3 different Meetings, and a Big Book Study each week. LOVE IT! However, I'm not a Christian. Not any organized religious type. In my BB Study for the last 2 weeks we've been going over the chapter "We Agnostics". I'm taking it in, great meeting. We laugh, discuss, and learn. I got out of Rehab and "stumbled" upon Jimmie's BB Study! In any of my weekly meetings, I am not pressured into sharing. Old timers(that's what I hear them called) have double digits in TIME, that doesn't mean they ALL apply the Principals in their daily lives. There are so many 12 Step meetings, how about trying new ones? You stated you go to Women's Only, I've never been to one since leaving rehab. I will probably one day, but after a month of living with other women, I needed a rest. Keep on keeping on...and all those other slogans that keep us on the road to Recovery. It does work. Bobbi
Member
Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 20
This is my biggest problem with AA as well. I really like to go but I hate talk! I feel so embarrassed. The first group I regularly attended just put to much pressure on me to share when I was just to new and to vulnerable. I ended up not going and of course started drinking again. Later I found a smaller women's meeting that was so much better for me! Sometimes I just listen but sometimes now I do share. You might want to look for a new group that suits your personality better.
Grateful
Join Date: May 2013
Location: NC
Posts: 1,763
Just say "I'll pass" or "I prefer to just listen tonight".
If you want to keep the old timers quiet just say "my sponsor told me to take the cotton out of my ears and stick it in my mouth". If you say that they will probably come up to you after the meeting and tell you that you're doing a good job listening to your sponsor.
If you want to keep the old timers quiet just say "my sponsor told me to take the cotton out of my ears and stick it in my mouth". If you say that they will probably come up to you after the meeting and tell you that you're doing a good job listening to your sponsor.
Sober Alcoholic
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 3,539
I have been in AA for many years. People like the guy you are talking about really bother me. Not for what they do but for the effect of what they do. Your story is a good example of that effect.
Knowing what I know now, this is what I would do the next you see him (or at least the next time he bothers you).
First I would ask the man is he is familiar with the 3rd tradition (“The only requirement for (aa) membership is a desire to stop drinking”). He will undoubtedly say yes. I would then just respond by saying “Good”.
Next I would ask him if he is familiar with Dr. Bobs grapevine article on tolerance. At this point he will likely say no (if he says yes ask him what it says). Then, when he says no, reach in your pocket and pull out the four paragraphs Dr. Bob wrote in 1944. You can find and print it out from this web page. On Cultivating Tolerance -by Dr. Bob
Knowing what I know now, this is what I would do the next you see him (or at least the next time he bothers you).
First I would ask the man is he is familiar with the 3rd tradition (“The only requirement for (aa) membership is a desire to stop drinking”). He will undoubtedly say yes. I would then just respond by saying “Good”.
Next I would ask him if he is familiar with Dr. Bobs grapevine article on tolerance. At this point he will likely say no (if he says yes ask him what it says). Then, when he says no, reach in your pocket and pull out the four paragraphs Dr. Bob wrote in 1944. You can find and print it out from this web page. On Cultivating Tolerance -by Dr. Bob
Member
Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: Washington, DC
Posts: 987
Hi Amanda, it is so good to see you back here. I've always enjoyed your posts.
I was also painfully shy about AA and terrified about sharing. I was also not so big on the religious aspect although I will say I am spiritual...just not of the dogmatic variety. The old timer you describe is most certainly, in my experience, the exception, not the rule. He's also kind of a jacka*s if you ask me. The point is to make everyone comfortable and welcome, not to intimidate or scold people. If I had heard that in one of my first meetings, I would have likely had the very same reaction.
As others have said, though, one person is not the program. I am comfortable speaking now but it took a good few months and getting to know my home group very well. Even now, if I don't feel like I have anything to contribute, or I am uncomfortable, I just say, "I'll pass tonight."
I also get a lot out of the stories and half of the meetings I attend are speakers meetings. You said you prefer that particular location but if you are willing to branch out just a bit, I think you'll find a wide variety of meetings. I went to A LOT before I found two locations that I was comfortable with. They are pretty agnostic and laid back and there is room for everyone. Each meeting/location seems to have its own "flavor." Big meetings (speaker's meetings, usually) are normally not at all about calling on people. Smaller meetings where there are only a dozen or less of you, or it is a Step meeting, that might be more of the contributor variety.
As far as not doing the Steps, that's totally up to you. I know plenty of people that just go to the meetings to listen and it helps them stay sober. Some of the more dogmatic AAers insist you have to follow the program to a fault but I agree with the slogan "Whatever works."
Anyway, so good to see you back on SR and looking forward to more of your posts!
I was also painfully shy about AA and terrified about sharing. I was also not so big on the religious aspect although I will say I am spiritual...just not of the dogmatic variety. The old timer you describe is most certainly, in my experience, the exception, not the rule. He's also kind of a jacka*s if you ask me. The point is to make everyone comfortable and welcome, not to intimidate or scold people. If I had heard that in one of my first meetings, I would have likely had the very same reaction.
As others have said, though, one person is not the program. I am comfortable speaking now but it took a good few months and getting to know my home group very well. Even now, if I don't feel like I have anything to contribute, or I am uncomfortable, I just say, "I'll pass tonight."
I also get a lot out of the stories and half of the meetings I attend are speakers meetings. You said you prefer that particular location but if you are willing to branch out just a bit, I think you'll find a wide variety of meetings. I went to A LOT before I found two locations that I was comfortable with. They are pretty agnostic and laid back and there is room for everyone. Each meeting/location seems to have its own "flavor." Big meetings (speaker's meetings, usually) are normally not at all about calling on people. Smaller meetings where there are only a dozen or less of you, or it is a Step meeting, that might be more of the contributor variety.
As far as not doing the Steps, that's totally up to you. I know plenty of people that just go to the meetings to listen and it helps them stay sober. Some of the more dogmatic AAers insist you have to follow the program to a fault but I agree with the slogan "Whatever works."
Anyway, so good to see you back on SR and looking forward to more of your posts!
Life Health Prosperity
Join Date: Sep 2011
Location: Louisana
Posts: 6,752
Amandaw, Then one day, a old timer (I hope it's politically correct to say that here) went off about people not sharing, that we'll never make it if we don't and that those people with court cards (I didn't have one), were just going to get them signed. He said people who don't share are selfish because their stories could help another person. Blah, blah, blah.
Please remember, in an AA meeting you are still dealing with a room full of drunks, andther are always those people who are going to try to control and domnate you just like in a bar. And always ignore statements like, if you don't share or do the steps you are gonna go back out and use. In a large town there are probably numerous meetings so find the ones that are palatable to you. I've run into the same problem with oldtimers mainly and is the reason I guit going to AA. You will stay sober if you want to. Rootin for ya.
Please remember, in an AA meeting you are still dealing with a room full of drunks, andther are always those people who are going to try to control and domnate you just like in a bar. And always ignore statements like, if you don't share or do the steps you are gonna go back out and use. In a large town there are probably numerous meetings so find the ones that are palatable to you. I've run into the same problem with oldtimers mainly and is the reason I guit going to AA. You will stay sober if you want to. Rootin for ya.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: Central California
Posts: 322
I appreciate the supportive answers. Some of you were pretty harsh though. For those of you saying it's none of my business what people think of me, that's true, but I also feel it's true that it is my business what people say about me and that man clearly was directing that comment at me as the comment was made immediately after I said I'd like to just listen. I was a week or so sober. That's it. I have incredible anxiety. I will always remember how I felt at that moment. I live in a city in which many of the meetings are located in unsafe areas. I prefer to stick to my immediate area where I know the streets and feel safe as I work during the day and must attend meetings at night.
As for my being judgemental. I certainly don't think that everyone in the meetings feels that way. Most people are very compassionate, but I have a huge amount of anxiety about going and sharing at this point in sobriety. I felt I was being judged. He basically said I'll never get sober and that I was only there with a court card. I went on my own. Not because the courts made me.
I need to do 90 in 90. There are about 2 women's meetings per week I can attend. There's also a beginner's meeting every week I can attend, and 1 speaker meeting. That won't be sufficient for 90 in 90.
I've mentioned earlier I'm not going to do the steps due to the religious aspects of them. I don't know if that means I can really get a sponsor as I thought a sponsor helps get through the steps. Again, I'm a beginner. I haven't made it past day 5 on my own, I'm on day 3 now. I know I need to go.
Thanks so much for the suggestion about the 3rd tradition. That gave me an a-ha moment. I plan on printing out the tolerance excerpt also. Although I definitely won't be starting an argument with anyone in the middle of a meeting, it will feel good just having it with me.
As for my being judgemental. I certainly don't think that everyone in the meetings feels that way. Most people are very compassionate, but I have a huge amount of anxiety about going and sharing at this point in sobriety. I felt I was being judged. He basically said I'll never get sober and that I was only there with a court card. I went on my own. Not because the courts made me.
I need to do 90 in 90. There are about 2 women's meetings per week I can attend. There's also a beginner's meeting every week I can attend, and 1 speaker meeting. That won't be sufficient for 90 in 90.
I've mentioned earlier I'm not going to do the steps due to the religious aspects of them. I don't know if that means I can really get a sponsor as I thought a sponsor helps get through the steps. Again, I'm a beginner. I haven't made it past day 5 on my own, I'm on day 3 now. I know I need to go.
Thanks so much for the suggestion about the 3rd tradition. That gave me an a-ha moment. I plan on printing out the tolerance excerpt also. Although I definitely won't be starting an argument with anyone in the middle of a meeting, it will feel good just having it with me.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2013
Posts: 66
Hew amandaw. This post opened my mind a bit to other types of AA meetings. Locally, we have to raise our hands, or we go in a circle. There have been times I wished I could have shared, but there were too many hands going up!
Sometimes it helps me just to really share whats in my heart for those three minutes. I'm often amazed at what arises. On the other hand, intending only to listen, I can observe the progression of topic and tone.
Thanks
Sometimes it helps me just to really share whats in my heart for those three minutes. I'm often amazed at what arises. On the other hand, intending only to listen, I can observe the progression of topic and tone.
Thanks
A Smart Bug is a Sober Bug!
Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: Hot and Muggy South Florida
Posts: 1,396
why we are chastising someone who has a question regarding her sobriety? We should be saying "hey! Thanks for stopping by, you are welcome here!" And not talking down to her or even worse, scaring her away.
She has a valid feeling. We should be helping her to work through the problem, not labeling her judgmental.
She has a valid feeling. We should be helping her to work through the problem, not labeling her judgmental.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: northern michigan. not the U.P.
Posts: 15,281
I laugh when I hear them old timers nag about newcomers not sharing, then a few meetings later hear the same ones say,"pull the cotton form yer ears and stick it in yer mouth."
length of time without a drink doesn't determine mental and emotional sobriety. there really are some in AA that are still quite arrogant pricks. but theres also a lot of arrogant pricks that aren't in recovery.
iffen ya open yer mind a wee bit,youll see theres no religious aspect of the steps. I don't think ive seen anywhere in the big book anything mentioned that it is a religious thing, but I hear ever meeting that AA is not affiliated with any religion.
I think one question you have to ask yourself is if you have a desire to stop drinking.
length of time without a drink doesn't determine mental and emotional sobriety. there really are some in AA that are still quite arrogant pricks. but theres also a lot of arrogant pricks that aren't in recovery.
iffen ya open yer mind a wee bit,youll see theres no religious aspect of the steps. I don't think ive seen anywhere in the big book anything mentioned that it is a religious thing, but I hear ever meeting that AA is not affiliated with any religion.
I think one question you have to ask yourself is if you have a desire to stop drinking.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: Central California
Posts: 322
Whereas AA doesn't have an "established religion," there's clearly a religious aspect. God is all over the place in the steps. Anyway, I have no issue with going and listening to a lot of people discuss God. I just don't want to be asked to do the same when discussing my recovery, for I simply do not believe in God.
I do have a desire to stop drinking, and I'm going back to meetings, and I LOVE sitting and listening to other people. Today I even shared and felt GOOD about it.
My reason for the initial post, and maybe I didn't make it clear, is how do I deal with people who say such things to me, or anyone who tells me how and when I need to be working the program without being solicited for their advice? I just want to be sober. I don't want or need a spiritual awakening. AA is more than God and spirituality, otherwise I wouldn't attend.
I do have a desire to stop drinking, and I'm going back to meetings, and I LOVE sitting and listening to other people. Today I even shared and felt GOOD about it.
My reason for the initial post, and maybe I didn't make it clear, is how do I deal with people who say such things to me, or anyone who tells me how and when I need to be working the program without being solicited for their advice? I just want to be sober. I don't want or need a spiritual awakening. AA is more than God and spirituality, otherwise I wouldn't attend.
Behold the power of NO
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: WA
Posts: 7,764
What about a simple: "Thank you, I will keep it in mind"
and just forget about it and not let it ruin your day/month or use it as an ammunition for your AV not to return to AA?
Seems like you are really making a mountain out of a molehill. That guy was out of line. So what? just blow him off and don't let someone with issues rent space in your head.
and just forget about it and not let it ruin your day/month or use it as an ammunition for your AV not to return to AA?
Seems like you are really making a mountain out of a molehill. That guy was out of line. So what? just blow him off and don't let someone with issues rent space in your head.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: Central California
Posts: 322
In that situation, it would have been cross talk, and not permitted to say that.
Carlotta, I don't feel I'm making a mountain out of a mole hill. I'll be the first to admit I'm sensitive and defensive. Throw in a week of sobriety and severe social anxiety and ya, it's an issue to be spoken to/about that way. All I did was ask for a way to address the situation should it happen again. When people come back with condescending answers I'm going to try and defend myself. You could have simply said he was out of line and to ignore it. I didn't know whether or not it was considered rude by the majority of AAers not to share, so I wanted to know protocol in this situation. Was I rude or was he out of line? I appreciate those who could answer the question without telling me that I'm doing something wrong by experiencing anxiety, an emotion that I clearly haven't been managing well in life so far, otherwise I wouldn't be here in the first place. So thanks, Carlotta, for your help.
Carlotta, I don't feel I'm making a mountain out of a mole hill. I'll be the first to admit I'm sensitive and defensive. Throw in a week of sobriety and severe social anxiety and ya, it's an issue to be spoken to/about that way. All I did was ask for a way to address the situation should it happen again. When people come back with condescending answers I'm going to try and defend myself. You could have simply said he was out of line and to ignore it. I didn't know whether or not it was considered rude by the majority of AAers not to share, so I wanted to know protocol in this situation. Was I rude or was he out of line? I appreciate those who could answer the question without telling me that I'm doing something wrong by experiencing anxiety, an emotion that I clearly haven't been managing well in life so far, otherwise I wouldn't be here in the first place. So thanks, Carlotta, for your help.
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