BLUESMAN52

(((Janet)))

Thanks!
You don't know how bad I want to be normal again. Some of my posts sound negative (most do), some of my posts sound suicidal and like I hate myself.
I don't know where this all came from, but it all started when I started to stop drinking.


All I want from life is a job that pays bills. Be able to take my lovely wife and kid to a movie and dinner even if just once every few months. I want my sanity back. All I do is pace floors and get panic attacks even with the klonopin. I wish I was off all meds and just a normal guy.
I don't want death....I want life.

BLUESMAN52

Thanks Marie....

Maybe I am trying to be someone I am not.
Maybe I am not supposed to live here in this house.
I guess I should just kick back, take my meds, look for work, and if it happens, it happens. If not, I sell and move. It's scary. I am 52 years old no matter where I go. If I can't get a job in this ever growing town, I can't get a job anywhere. That's why I beat myself up over this. If I have to sell, where in God's name do I go, and what do I do for a living...Am I thinking too far ahead?
By the way. The book Jon sent is real good. Maybe it'll help

Dan

In a word, yes. If you've got your mind wrapped up in what may or may not come to pass, how can you possibly hope to make today a better day for you and yours...
I expect a 5000 word book review when you're done reading it!

BLUESMAN52

C'mon my good friend!!!!

I haven't written a 5000 word report EVER.....

Just kidding of course. I have been just glancing through it and it has real life stories, some of which are me exactly. There are some scary things in the book too. Something I pointed out a while back.

There are something like 1/3 of the people who follow the steps that are "cured" instantly. There are about 1/3 who have great difficulty but DO make it.....and, unfortunately, there are some who fail time and time again.
Those percentages are approximate. I haven't really sat down to read it yet.
I have to beat this Dan. I just have to.

Little Missy

((Joe)) Here's a poem I wrote years ago. It applies to everyone I love in my life.

No matter what has happened
To us in the past,
These feelings in our hearts
Will make our love forever last.

Being there for each other
Through the good times and the bad,
Never to leave each other
Feeling sorry, mad, or sad.

My mind if filled with happy thoughts
My heart is filled with love,
Feelings that are this strong
Are only sent from up above.

I don't know what tomorrow brings
Or what the future has in store,
But as long as you are in my life
I can ask for nothing more.

Be well my friend!
Love ya,
Chelle

Dan

The rest of the poem is beautiful too.
That part gave me goosebumples.
You know why.
(((Little Missy)))

BLUESMAN52

Awesome poem Missy, just awesome.....

I am printing it and sticking it to my head so everytime I look in the mirror crying, I can read it. Of course, it'll be backwards, but that'll make it more fun reading it

Novemberphoenix

What a beautiful poem Missy!

Chy

Nice stuff Gents!

Joe, never, ever give up on the dream.

Abugslife

powerful

zoomer

Good Morning B-man I do hope your feeling better today. hey we all have our moments in life that we break down. Some take longer than others to get out of it. When I break down, I cry too and cannot stop for days on end. I cry for the past,the present,the future, I sometimes feel like I cannot move off my bed. I'm very lucky these breakdowns don't last very long (I think I'v had 4 of them in the past 7 years). The first two I ended up in the hospital in the wacky ward. I got stablized with medication and a dose of reality "that hey I don't have as many problems as most of the people that were in there" The other two breakdowns I knew what was coming and told my shrink "everything",got a switch of meds and went on. What helped me most LOL is that my husband is a very selfish man and he needed me to get back into shape so he could go back to work. Here I am crying my face off, shaking,puking and he wants dinner! At one point though I laughed and said "Gee can't a person have a break down around here". It sounds like your son (not that he is being selfish) is helping you too get through the rough spots. OK, now for my advice... One, go tell your doctor or shrink your symtoms... I don't care if i have to go back 1000s times and switch to 100 different kinds of meds, It's my life and I don't want to feel like crap. Two, In most counties there are social programs for dislocated workers. Look under Social Services in the phone book,call and ask if they know of any such programs. Usally those type of programs do not take in account of past incomes. Three, I see men of all ages getting a second job at night in a convenient store, Mc D's,gas stations... It's not much,but it's something. Also you can call your local unemployment office to see if they have any job openings or programs. And 4... When I do something for someone else,it gets me out of myself. It can be a big thing or a small thing,but do it. I don't cook all that great,but I make big hearty dishes and once in a while I bring a dish over to my nieghbors that are very old and the woman is exhausted from caring for her crippled husband. LOL, I don't think she really likes my cooking,but she is greatful for one less thing to do that day. Even writing to you some of my suggestions or ideas get me out of myself. We all go through stuff and breakdown,but it's never ever the end of the world.

CRS3

Joe,
Im not sure If I did the quotes thing correctly.We'll see. Your Poem was very moving and frightning. Sometimes we(I) get so full of my pain it's hard(almost impossible) to see through it). I prayed for so long that God would deliver me from this disease. And came to the conclusion God wasnt really there. My prayers were certainly sincere but nothing ever happened. Ive since realized God works differenty with different people. To take away this depression and guilt and pain without working through it,what would that really accomplish. Just being vulnerable for it to happen again. I believe he wants a real effort on are part to use everything he has given us in this world to succeed. Be it Dr's,meds,any help recource we can find ect... To use the inner strength he has already given us to learn and grow through the toughest of times. Im not saying God is not there,I just think he works differenty than we would like him to. Fot our benefit in the long run, not the quick fix.
I've pretty much lost all of my previous financial success only to realize All that didnt matter anyway. People with millions can be the most miserable people on the earth(Ive seen it). All the things money can buy do us nothing in the end. It's what we accomplish on the inside and what we accomplish in our relationships that will last forever.
Sorry this was so long. Im pretty new and not sure If I can say anything of any help but I wanted to try.
Im praying for you and hang in there. Even in the darkest hour when you feel the most isolation and alone. You are not.You just have to except the fact that you are not alone. Love is all around you even at the worst moments.We just have to allow it to penetrate our walls.
Hang in there
---J

BLUESMAN52

(((Zoomer)))
(((Jay)))
Thanks to both of you for inspiration. First thing is meds. They have been an issue for me. The docs have given me every anti-depressant and every mood stabilizer known to man. I am literally on the last meds they could try, and that is Lithium and Klonopin. I also take antabuse so I CAN'T drink. Klonopin keeps my panic and anxiety down to a "mild roar", but I still get them, even in my sleep. I am only on Lithium for 4 days so I don't know yet if it will help.
I want you both to know that I am trying very hard. I maintain this entire house from cooking, cleaning, laundry, shopping, pets, mowing 5 acres, you name it, I do it ALL.
I still feel like crap. I have put out resumes by the boatload and get no responses, or I get turned down.
I don't want to throw in the towel. I don't want to die. I want to work. I want to provide for my family as I did just over a year ago. This all came on so damn fast.
While I was an everyday active drinker I never lost a days work and all seemed fine.
Then I got bad cholesterol reports from my doc and he told me to quit drinking.
Well, my cholesterol and blood pressure are perfect now, but I am half insane.
Personally, I think I belong on a rubber raft floating someplace with rubber rocks around me
Last night the kitchen sink faucet broke and I had a panic attack over that.
After thinking about it, I went to town this morning and used the credit card and bought a new entire faucet and installed it myself. I was proud of that, but now I have that bill hanging over my head. We need water, right? I had to get the parts, right? At least I was handy enough to avoid plumbers fees.
I don't know how long this will take, but I am trying. The Bipolar disorder is standing in my way. I can't do AA until my mental state is under control. This is what I am told, so I am going with it.
Anyway, thanks for the posts, they helped my day a bit. Going to lay down now. If there is anything I can do for you just ask and I'll be here.
Bye for now!

CRS3

Jon,
Just a quick note on the job market. That can really mess with your head all on its own without all the other crap we have to deal with. Just keep in mind you are not alone it this. Jobs are still pretty tough in any market. They talk about a recovering economy but personally I think it's a buch of bull. While the economy seems to be geting better,employers are still reluctant to release capital for hiring due to the fact that they have been so successful at turning a profit with less workforce. "lean manufacturing" ect...
I know many professionals who cant seem to find a job despite there qualifications. Hang in there and keep trying. Try not to get discouraged(hard,almost impossible to do) Also is the new age of "low wage workers" who will do most jobs at half the salary. They are out there though. Try and find a job placement org. who specializes in this. I'll look around for some and send you what I find. The main thing is to try and not let it get to you too much.
Hard I know,but it's not you! It's the greedy corporate mentality that could eventually throw this country into a tailspin. There are ways out though.
Keep the faith and dont take it personally.
Not much help I know but hang in there and dont be so hard on yourself about the job situation.Based on your poem your pretty dang creative.
It can happen. There is always light at the end of the tunnel. Sometimes it's just a very long tunnel.
Prayers---J

zoomer

LOL B-man you can come and fix up my house if ya want!!! My husband is not a good fixer upper! Hey, most people now days get into a jam money wise! Most and I mean most people where I live, live off credit. It's amazing! We got into a little money jam ourselves and we worked things out... It's a 5 year plan and only two more years to go,but we did something other than lose our house. I'm still not very good at keeping track of money,but have learned ways to stretch that dollar! Yes, i miss doing all the things we use to do and it was hard for my older kids not to get "everything" they wanted,but my younger kids are a little bit less selfish today than my older kids were. Perhaps one day we will get "ahead" again,but you never know. I'm a 40 year old house wife that has not had a real job in years. I too wonder what's out there for me when it's time for me to get a job after my two year old grows up more. I too will look into programs,but at times I feel "too old" to relearn or to get hired. Someday though I'm soooooooooooooo greatful I don't have to work... Like today, I'm beat (I'm going though a cycle of not sleeping at night again) and my two year old is just learning to go on the pot. If he was in preschool, I'd have a host of problems with the school during this time (they hate potty training kids LOL). Anyway, i'm taking a nap too!!!

BLUESMAN52

Thanks again.....
I just got up and my head feels awful. This lithium is ruining me. No appetite. I am losing weight. TOO MUCH!
I'll try not to think too much about work...I'll put my resume's out there and see. What else could I do. I wish I could physically feel better, but I am so very sick. Between my last post and now, I feel like I am going to die.
God help me!

CRS3

Joe,
Hang in there.I hurt for you. I wish there was more I could tell you. Im sure there will be more people shortly who can.
Reagardless of your opions on prayer. Im praying for you.
---J

zoomer

Wow, I'm so sorry! I think you need to talk to your doctor about this and do it soon. We can be there for you,but we cannot give medical advice. If you have been working with the same doctor all this time and nothing they can do is helping,find a different one... Good luck!

BLUESMAN52

Thanks again!
I do believe in prayer so please pray.
After my last post I ran outside and cut some grass to keep my mind off killing myself....That's how bad I am....I am useless to myself and family right now. I'm sorry if I disturb you with these comments, but I am being truthful. I feel sorry for my family, I do. I don't care about me anymore, just them.

True Blue

Joe please care about you, because with out you it is not a family. They need you and you need them. Joe I am praying for you. Love you Man.