goldiilocks

I decided to quit in February, was going to AA, was seeing a counselor, everything was going very well and then after a couple of weeks I stopped doing both of those things because I thought that I wasn't truly an alcoholic. I felt great, and I felt, "cured". I started to feel like I was normal and as though I could moderate. I started drinking again, slowly at first, but here I am 6 months later, and I have hit complete rock bottom. If I thought I had reached it in February, I suppose I didn't realize how bad it would get if I continued the cycle.

I tried to continue my drinking again with moderation, and that was obviously a complete failure. I started drinking around 2pm every day after school and my binges would last anywhere from days to a week.

So I'm back. And ashamed. And having to face the music and pick up the pieces of my life. A classmate of mine and I went out to drink and to put it lightly the situation escalated into an oblivious blackout on my part. She is not speaking to me anymore, she told me that my actions that night were immature and unacceptable and I cannot even imagine what I did or said while we were bar hopping. I am not an angry drunk, I just assume I made advances on her despite her being very committed to her girlfriend of two years. I feel so full of shame, and the worst part is, I have to face her at school on Monday.

I just can't believe this relapse turned into a 6 month ordeal. And it has gotten worse than ever before, a very slippery slope in those relatively short 6 months. I think maybe AA wasn't right for me though because of the fact that I am so young (I'm 25 but look about 18), and everyone in my AA group is older. I asked a fellow AA woman who seemed to have the sobriety thing down to be a sponsor for me, she said she reluctantly would until we find someone "younger" who could help me better. The only thing is, there is no one younger than at least 35 in that group who is a woman. I live in a small city, so there are not too many groups here either. I think I also felt slightly dejected that she told me that, and yes I realize that I do take things too personally at times.

Anyway, I guess I just needed to vent. Today is my first true day sober because even after all that happened I was a pathetic mess, and locked myself in my room for a couple of days, crying, and trying to drink away the shame. I woke up today and realized that I need to change SOMETHING majorly in my life or things are only going to get worse.

How many more times am I going to do this to myself? 8/9/13

stark6935

Look at my join date, I'm 28 now. This is the longest I've been sober in probably 10 years. I think you just have to get sick and tired of being a drunk. Nobody is going to do it for you, there is no magic pill. You have to want it.

Dee74

I'm sorry for your struggle goldilocks, but I'm really glad to see you back

and yeah I remember how fast 6 months can go by - it's scary.

D

goldiilocks

I struggle with that. Because I do want all of this ridiculousness to stop happening to me, but I still have a strong desire to drink. I realize I can't have it both ways... So I have to pick the one that makes the most sense. Which would be to stop drinking. If it was only as easy as it sounds.

Dee74

It's simple, but not easy.

Find all the support you need, look at what needs to change in your life and you'll be on the right track, I think

D

goldiilocks

I think I am just going to throw myself into my swimming and my artwork. My hobbies. And I'm going to be spending a lot of time on here. Maybe read Rational Recovery again and try to actually open my mind to it.

My problem is, I seem to get this idea in my head about AA, AVRT, or any other program (heck, even about spirituality), that , "Wow that sounds so nice in theory but I'm sure it's not really true." Maybe part of that is laziness though I do consider myself a skeptic to a fault...

goldiilocks

I honestly dont know how I am going to gather the courage and strength to face school on Monday. There is only a week left of Summer courses, but I almost feel like taking a failing grade instead of facing her. This is going to be so horribly.... awkward and sucky. I just wish I could remember what I did. But, perhaps its for the better that I can't.

I apologized sincerely for my actions whatever they may have been but, I think she assumes I remember them which makes it even worse.

Eleni58

I would face her and tell her you HONESTLY don't remember what you said or did as you blacked out from drinking too much. And then tell her you have a drinking problem and you are taking steps to solve that problem (i.e. quitting drinking). If it were me, I would want to know what I said or did so I could use that as a reminder if I ever got an urge to pick up that first drink again.

Mizzuno

You can get sober. You know why you can? Because I am sober, and so are many many other people. I understand your shame and embarrassment. Those feelings are terrible. You never have to feel this way again. 5 months ago, I was in a horrible place with my alcoholism. I lost my job, ruined a ton in my life ,and I could not even hold my head up. I am here sober and making it. A lot has changed for the positive. It will for you also. I do it one day at a time. The best way that I found to remain sober and to get support, was to log onto this forum every single day and talk with others. So, everyday I offer support and I receive support. This has ensured alcohol free living for me.
You can do it. We are here for you. (((HUG)))

goldiilocks

Thanks for the support.

I just feel like quitting drinking has got to be one of the hardest things that I have ever tried to do in my life. I've been attempting and failing at it for at least two years now and it's disheartening.. I feel like a bad person because of this horrible addiction I have. Everyone else I know can drink like a normal person. I have absolutely no friends anymore and its because I alienate myself and then act foolish when I DO go out.

Tamerua

Oh dear.. I have been there, where I couldn't face someone. But you will, and it will be awkward and you will be ok.

I don't know where you are but there are young people meetings for AA if you're willing to try. It is possible to be sober and happy... I didn't believe it either.

Mizzuno

I know that you dont know us, but look at all the people here who can not drink like a normal person. What is normal anyway? You never know what is going on with anyone. Maybe those " normal" people are not as "normal" as you think.
I think that sometimes we have to get the message in a way that is disheartening, and tears up our insides (metaphorically) in order for us to come out on the other side. That was how I received the long over due message. I always knew. You can do this.
You got a job to do. Get through this class and keep pushing forward. You are not alone.

dayover

I am very young and I go to AA. I went to a young peoples meeting tonight which was really good.

There is a good chance that you can find an AA meeting geared towards younger people (google it!). Even if you don't, try giving just a regular meeting a try for a few weeks. I do not feel judged at all at the meetings I have gone to - if you don't like the feel of one, try another!

Good luck, stay strong


Edit: I just want you to know you aren't alone. The hardest part of this past week for me has been the fact that all of my old friends and I can no longer be in contact (all they do is party). The ones who I was closest to I have alienated and hurt in the past few months of hard drinking.

People keep saying it gets better, and I'm counting on that

goldiilocks

Thank you all so much, Sometimes it just feels good knowing I am not alone in this struggle.

I am going to look around for younger meetings, I might have to drive about an hour to the bigger city around here but I think all in all it is worth it.

Anyway today is day two and i have no desire to drink at all, so thats really good.

Tamerua

You got this!

neferkamichael

Goldiilocks, I just feel like quitting drinking has got to be one of the hardest things that I have ever tried to do in my life. Goldiilocks, that's about as accurate as it gets. Now that I am 3 years 2 months sober today, I understand just how powerful addiction to chemical substances is. Rootin for ya.

GhostFace

Gold; I had the same experience as you. I quit in January for about 3 weeks and thought that i could drink in moderation. That failed, fast forward to today, im on day 5. Im a drinker, not a social drinker, a one time sipper but a person that could drink for 3 days straight, not eat and sleep a minimum of two hours. How can i drink in moderate if my goal is to get wasted and then some.

What ive been telling myself is "i can not take that first drink." I i do, im screwed.

Just hang in there. I failed more than i succeeded but now i know my triggers.

Peace

goldiilocks

I am the same way Ghost. I will drink and drink and pass the "point of no return" with no intention of coming back into reality. Which means I can't drink at all.

It sure is lonely though, since everyone my age is out drinking and partying and whatnot tonight. I think that is what also has made it so hard for me to kick, because if I stay in and decide not to drink, I get depressed because I feel as though I don't have any friends. But if I go out I will eventually make a drunken fool of myself and lose the friends I had anyway.

So, how do you deal with the loneliness? Thank God I still have my family (though they live 6 hours away) and my husband (who I have emotionally distanced from myself by asking for my autonomy and perhaps a separation; though we are working things out thank God).

Other than that I don't have any positive friends or support in my life. And it is depressing that I have isolated myself to this point over the last couple of years. I feel like such a loser.

SoberHappyHour

You don't kno how many times I have blacked out and been too ashamed to even kno what I did. I think without even knowing what I did, that motivated me and is scary enough to think of what I could do when in that stage to want to quit drinking. I blacked out and crashed my car into a tree. I could have killed myself or someone else and be locked up forever without remembering one second of it. I think you need to give sobriety a chance and a long while before you decide which is better for you. I bet you'll love it.

bigsombrero

There is nothing wrong with thinking this way, and you are smart to be skeptical. I understand how joining an organization that says "Don't Ask Questions" can throw up some warning signs. It sure did for me.

I needed some structure though, at first. I needed to learn a pretty simple rule: DO NOT DRINK. I couldn't even get that basic part down, and I could not start until I got that part right first. It took rehab, more or less in lockdown with strict schedules and lectures.

Today I am just over 1 year sober, and I'm following my own path. I call it my "Recovery Stew" - I take bits and pieces of different programs and mix them into my life, and see what works for me.

Do I still ask questions? You bet. I review studies on AA - heck, I even review studies that talk about studies of AA. I look at criticisms, success stories, and learn about why different methods work for different people, and how that effects my situation. I listen to podcasts featuring rational thinkers and skeptics, like Point of Inquiry. I check out philosophies on how we should live our lives, and I look at the posts here on SR and try and figure out what's working for others, and also why!

Turning to AA or any other program in early recovery DOES NOT need to limit your skeptical thinking. As long as you DO NOT DRINK you can manage your recovery how ever you want.