Roverwy

Hi all newcomers, I just posted this thread under alcoholism, but it actually might help anyone in recovery, so I'll copy it here.

Good luck to all


Hi all, thought I'd post this to get some feedback on other people's experiences and techniques for dealing with aggressive people.

I really struggle with this stuff because I am naturally open, considerate and try to be humble in meetings, and I believe this triggers some people to want to criticise, judge, control, diagnose and direct me.

Now my problem is how to deal with this stuff without drinking, smoking, gambling, or running away from the meetings where these people are.

I have talked with others and have some strategies which seem to work, and they are:

1-pray, ask my higher power for help, and in particular to help me forgive this person.

2- to see the person as sick, with possibly some deep pain from their past or current life that prevents them from being kind towards me.

3- try to be mindful of my own feelings, to pause between the onset of a feeling and taking any action.

The part I find hardest is the pause.

I naturally seem to react quickly and often what I do is answer questions that I don't really feel comfortable answering, then suddenly find myself in a position of being given trite, unwelcome and unrequested advice by someone who is making sweeping assumptions about me based on skeletal information.

My old habits are to run away physically or emotionally, but this is part of my disease as I see it, so I am trying to accept myself, accept my feelings, and stay present when I feel angry and upset by events such as these.

One other old reaction I can use is to be aggressive back at them, and though I might be able to "put them in their place" with such a technique, I actually don't want to hurt them emotionally or physically, so I am trying to not do this.

Last night I went to a big book study group and found myself feeling excluded because of the narrow, evangelical tone of some of the members of that group, and especially their ranting, aggressive manner and adamant opinions. I also felt that the scholarly looking people with massive leather bound big books full of highlights and attached notebooks/pen holders were in some ways very egotistically attached to their "knowledge" or "information" about the big book, as opposed to being present and available to communicate and love other human beings.

I really don't feel comfortable there so doubt I will return to that meeting, but I am also in recovery to question myself, to find new ways of thinking and acting - I don't want to live and think the old ways, I want a new me, therefore it is essential for me to question myself.

I am basically coping with this problem in this way:

Firstly I forgive myself, I love myself, I know that I am good, and that my higher power will look after me.

Secondly, I do not have to go to that particular meeting, nor be around people who are judgemental and non-accepting.

Thirdly, just for today, I am safe, I do not need to drink over this, I am not at that meeting right this minute so there is no problem.

My feelings are about something from the past that is not a problem in the now, and next Friday night I can choose whether I wish to go back to that meeting or to any other.

I am not obliged to attend that particular meeting.

Finally, I would like to allow myself to consider other options of how to deal with feelings like this in the future.

I wonder if I can accept and love these angry, adamant people "in the moment" while staying calm and present during that process.

I find it ironical that me, in early sobriety, is having to go through such a process of acceptance for older members (notice I omitted the "sober" bit?), while some with long term sobriety display such obvious intolerance toward newer members.

Bottom line: I go where there are people that have something I want, and I don't want to be dry of alcohol only. I want freedom from judgement, anger, and criticism.

My sponsor is great, with long term recovery, and a way of living that to me, embodies recovery.

ScottFromWI

I've found that it's just about impossible to completely avoid ignorance, hate and hidden agendas - whether it's at work, church, AA meetings, or just about anywhere you go. I think finding a strategy to deal with it makes a lot of sense, that's great that you have come up with a seemingly comprehensive plan to do so. Trying another meeting would certainly not hurt too if there are a concentration of these types of people at your current one.

BabyJane

Very good post. You have some wisdom here and I'm glad you shared it with those of us who attend meetings. In the past I allowed unwanted advances from older men in the program chase me out of AA. Then, my second time around, while primarily attending women's meetings to avoid this, I encountered a few women who were very quick to attempt to put myself and the other newcomers in our place as they saw fit and that was difficult too. I felt attacked. I did not know all the "rules" and / or traditions so occasionally I would go to a meeting and leave feeling like I crossed a line by mentioning that I am also a drug addict or by confessing that I was not feeling better as I did my step work - stuff like that. I generally learned to stay positive and stay in the solution rather than dwell on the negatives of AA and this includes people who I feel impose their opinions too strongly. Being humble is one of our greatest tools as well. If I stay out of my own way and choose love, grace and humility over resentment and self pity I am able to get so much out of the meetings. I am able to stay sober!

Thanks again!

DylanS

Roverwy - thanks for your post. Whoa - reading your 'plan of response' sounds like you've got a lot going for you - awareness, compassion, patience. I think the 'pause' is probably a universal struggle. In my work with EBT (Emotional Brain Training), I have learned some of creating the presence of an inner "Loving Observer". The stronger that loving observer is within me, toward me, the stronger it is toward others, as well.

I had a similar 'awakening' a few weeks ago on this very site; "long time sober" folks acting in a way that seemed condescending, superior, hostile, etc. And, after talking to someone at a FTF meeting, realized that I was expecting too much of folks "who have time". Just because they have time does NOT mean they belong on a pedestal or even have wisdom to share that will be of any use to me. They may well, but I should wait for the proof instead of assuming that simple time without drinking means someone has wisdom or kindness.

I am truly inspired by your plan:
1-pray, ask my higher power for help, and in particular to help me forgive this person.

2- to see the person as sick, with possibly some deep pain from their past or current life that prevents them from being kind towards me.

3- try to be mindful of my own feelings, to pause between the onset of a feeling and taking any action.

Thanks again for your post.