Notices

Sorry I need some support about something gay

Old 08-09-2013, 12:31 AM
  # 1 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
endlesspatience's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: UK
Posts: 1,130
Sorry I need some support about something gay

Dear Friends

I am currently feeling regret and shame. I unfortunately got rather drunk last night and had a gay encounter with a stranger. This kind of thing has happened before. It seems I can only allow myself to do that when I have had some drinks. I know the other man enjoyed it but I have awoken today with a very deep sense of shame.

I can hardly face myself in the mirror and I am tempted to drink more to try to hide the shame I am feeling.

Can anybody support me through the next few hours please?

Many thanks
endlesspatience is offline  
Old 08-09-2013, 12:35 AM
  # 2 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 807
Whatever you do don't pick up a drink, it is what gets you in trouble. I have no experience with the situation you describe but understand what you are feeling. Looking back never helps, move forward.
LuLu13 is offline  
Old 08-09-2013, 12:39 AM
  # 3 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
endlesspatience's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: UK
Posts: 1,130
Thanks Lulu. At least I have left home now and I have removed myself from the immediate risk of picking up another drink.
endlesspatience is offline  
Old 08-09-2013, 12:39 AM
  # 4 (permalink)  
Sober since October
 
MidnightBlue's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: In the world in my eyes...Somewhere I've never been before...
Posts: 7,355
Hi, there.

Sorry about what happened and the way you feel right now.

I agree with LuLu - don't turn to drinking to numb feelings of shame. It won't help, it will just make it worse. It shall pass, even though it can be damn hard now.

I am online for the next couple of hours.

Take care.
MidnightBlue is offline  
Old 08-09-2013, 12:42 AM
  # 5 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
endlesspatience's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: UK
Posts: 1,130
Midnight Blue.

Thanks for your support. As I just said to Lulu I have left home now and come to work. So there's no booze here. It's really bad because I became engaged to a woman earlier this year and although I told her I have a gay past, I claimed that it was all over and I was no longer interested in men.
endlesspatience is offline  
Old 08-09-2013, 12:47 AM
  # 6 (permalink)  
Sober since October
 
MidnightBlue's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: In the world in my eyes...Somewhere I've never been before...
Posts: 7,355
Endlesspatience, good that you are at work and there's no booze around. But be beware of evening hours when you head home and left alone with your thoughts. Make some plan that will enable you to avoid temptations. Anything to keep you from drinking. Any ideas what you can do?

I have no experience related specifically to your situations, but I can tell that drinking make us do absolutely crazy things like we don't own our mind, though we are left with aftermath of this.

I think it's important to be honest with yourself now - do you fell you are not interested any more and this just happened because you were drunk? If so then fight for your sobriety with all the means necessary. It will save you all these troubles.

Stay strong.
MidnightBlue is offline  
Old 08-09-2013, 01:02 AM
  # 7 (permalink)  
Guest
 
ReadyAtLast's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 7,097
Hi,sorry you are feeling like this. Please don't drink though,it will just make you feel worse in the long term.

Are you looking to quit drinking? Maybe if you do that will give you the time and space to work out what you really want from life and relationships. I know I've done some things drunk which I've regretted but also drinking often made me be more honest with myself too. My getting sober you are able to re-learn about how to be honest with yourself and what you want from life

Maybe now's not the time to rush into anything,marriage etc, give yourself time and don't be too hard on yourself
ReadyAtLast is offline  
Old 08-09-2013, 01:04 AM
  # 8 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 807
Endless, glad you are at work and no booze is available but remember that is a temporary solution to a permanent problem. I think you are struggling with more than just a drinking problem. Are you sure about your sexuality and marrying a woman? I don't mean to be harsh I am just wondering. I am sure when drinking there are plenty of opportunities to have a one night stand with a woman. I wonder why you chose the gay encounter unless that is who you truly are and, if that is the case, you need to work on accepting that fact. I can hear the pain in your post and am sorry you are going through this.
LuLu13 is offline  
Old 08-09-2013, 01:06 AM
  # 9 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
endlesspatience's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: UK
Posts: 1,130
Guys thanks for all your support. Of course, you're right. It's not the time to start thinking about big life decisions.

I am half wondering if I should tell my fiancee what happened but if I do I think my relationship will be at risk.
endlesspatience is offline  
Old 08-09-2013, 01:11 AM
  # 10 (permalink)  
Guest
 
ReadyAtLast's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 7,097
I think your relationship may be at risk regardless of whether your encounter was with a man or a woman. Maybe this is an opportunity to reconsider things though before you get married as sounds like you aren't sure of what you really want. please don't drink over it though
ReadyAtLast is offline  
Old 08-09-2013, 01:18 AM
  # 11 (permalink)  
Sober since October
 
MidnightBlue's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: In the world in my eyes...Somewhere I've never been before...
Posts: 7,355
It's really a hard decision to make now - whether to tell your fiancee or not. Try not to rush with decisions. And as RAL said - don't drink over it!

Maybe, take some time for your feelings to settle a little bit, and look inside yourself - what you want, what makes you happy. Not what others expect you to do, not what you are supposed to do, but what makes you at peace with yourself.

It may seem hard to stay sober, but it really gives a clear vision of what's going on in life.

Hang in here)
MidnightBlue is offline  
Old 08-09-2013, 01:30 AM
  # 12 (permalink)  
That bell or bike person
 
mecanix's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: london
Posts: 4,978
I've done all kinds of crazy things under the influence, straight, gay or inbetween , sometimes i was looking for affection and ended up with sex .

Alcohol just makes my life uncontrolable and a mess , a confused tangle of emotion .

With sobriety i can start to untangle those things and really find out the "me" behind it all .

I think it's important to do first things first .. For me that was sobriety .

Bestwishes, m
mecanix is offline  
Old 08-09-2013, 01:42 AM
  # 13 (permalink)  
Member
 
soberhawk's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: Scandinavia
Posts: 1,344
I am sorry you drank, you need to stay of that if you want to find out what you want.

I agree with Midnightblue I would not rush to any decisions.

Whether it was a man or woman you had the encounter with is not important, but you need to look into your feelings towards your girlfriend – you need to be fair there.

There is no happiness in unfair relationships.

Some have sexual feelings towards booth sexes – that is not important.

But it is important to respect those you love.
soberhawk is offline  
Old 08-09-2013, 02:01 AM
  # 14 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
endlesspatience's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: UK
Posts: 1,130
Mecanix

You said: "sometimes i was looking for affection and ended up with sex"

That's what happened last night. I was lonely and I went out looking for affection/ intimacy and ended up with something different.

That's the main cause of my regret.
endlesspatience is offline  
Old 08-09-2013, 02:13 AM
  # 15 (permalink)  
Sober since October
 
MidnightBlue's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: In the world in my eyes...Somewhere I've never been before...
Posts: 7,355
Endless, from my experience I can say that looking for outside appreciation in any form often ends up in regrets and even more loneliness and feeling that I've been just used. Learn to love yourself for just who you are, not judging by how many people affect, respect, admire you or find you attractive. It can be difficult but it fills up this emptiness inside and develops inner core that holds us strong.

Leave regrets in the past. Learn from your mistakes and move forward.
MidnightBlue is offline  
Old 08-09-2013, 02:23 AM
  # 16 (permalink)  
That bell or bike person
 
mecanix's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: london
Posts: 4,978
Originally Posted by endlesspatience View Post
Mecanix

You said: "sometimes i was looking for affection and ended up with sex"

That's what happened last night. I was lonely and I went out looking for affection/ intimacy and ended up with something different.

That's the main cause of my regret.
Hmm ,

HALT , hungry , angry , lonely , tired ... seems to me you might have been on the lonely one ? If you then add alcohol .. well anything could happen, it used to with me ..

Seems to me you've come out of it relatively unscathed ..

If you hadn't have been drinking would any of this have happend ? I doubt it would have played out in the same way .. So i'd lay the blame and guilt right at the door of the booze ..

Get sober and stay sober and all the other things will fall into place, even if they don't you will be in a far better position to deal with it and realize what is "really" is going on with you .

Stick with it , m
mecanix is offline  
Old 08-09-2013, 02:30 AM
  # 17 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2013
Posts: 638
Has happened to me as well. It didn't rock my world, but when I came to in the morning with the guy hanging on to me affectionately, I was thinking something like 'now I've done it'. The guy left anyway *phew*.

I was hit by this guy near a cemetary as I was walking away from the bars in the night totally wasted. I don't think it's that harmful, even if you had sex.

The problem is that if the gay-person finds you too interesting he'll literally be after your ass. And that might pose a little problem.
UnixBer is offline  
Old 08-09-2013, 02:39 AM
  # 18 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
endlesspatience's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: UK
Posts: 1,130
Yes you're right. I put the blame on the booze. I wouldn't have done of any it if I'd been sober.
endlesspatience is offline  
Old 08-09-2013, 02:50 AM
  # 19 (permalink)  
Member
 
JettBoy's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: Woodstock,New York
Posts: 140
EP, the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results. Drinking will not help anything except to amplify the shame and remorse you are felling right now. If you don't mind me asking,are you gay or is this just something that comes to light when u r drinking? It sounds like you are putting yourself in a very dangerous situation,please be careful. You might wake up to find someone liking you and you not being able to return the feelings which could cause trouble for you. Hey I'm gay and I remember getting smashed and waking up next to someone I wasn't quite fond of and thinking omg what did I do,as well as I'm not a mean person and I wouldn't want to hurt anyone that way. At best just know that you don't ever have to feel like this again and it'll all pass,if you need to talk we are all just a click away,again,be careful and don't drink..best to you...
JettBoy is offline  
Old 08-09-2013, 04:08 AM
  # 20 (permalink)  
Recovering
 
Michael66's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2012
Location: UK
Posts: 1,361
Originally Posted by endlesspatience View Post
Midnight Blue.

Thanks for your support. As I just said to Lulu I have left home now and come to work. So there's no booze here. It's really bad because I became engaged to a woman earlier this year and although I told her I have a gay past, I claimed that it was all over and I was no longer interested in men.
As hard as it may be, I think your fiance deserves to be told the truth. Marriage is such a big commitment for you both, and I don't think it would be fair or right to allow her to make that commitment without her knowing this went on. If you don't give her the choice what to do then you're just fooling her into a continued relationship, and that's no basis for marriage.

Please put her first in this - because that's what a good loving marriage itself requires.

Sorry to be tough - but marriage is such an important commitment for you both, and it's a commitment that must be based on honesty.

Keeping you both in prayer.

Michael
Michael66 is offline  

Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
 
Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off




All times are GMT -7. The time now is 12:01 AM.