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Helping vs. Enabling?

Old 08-08-2013, 07:43 PM
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Unhappy Helping vs. Enabling?

So here I am again at this question/ crossroad. I have my grown son and his girlfrnd living here, on and off , mostly on now for the last 4 years. 4 grandkids in the picture,and that's the only reason they are still here. My son works, she doesn't or won't. Its really difficult, as they have different ideas on parenting skills, or differnt ideas on jst about anything I suggest or ask of them. The kids are bad. They have torn up my house, don't listen to me at all, and its because of how they raise them. I've talked, pleaded, threatened, fought, avoided, begged, left for some time, all in hopes of a change. I see no light at the end. I do see myself as an enabler in a way, but I only let them live here, because honestly they have nowhere else to go. And I really don't know what else to do. I have suggested housing options, which they always say they can't afford. The truth is they are my family, but are driving me crazy! I would do anything for the kids, they are such a big part of my life. I care so much, but this , them being here so long is really putting a strain on me, in many ways, and my marriage as well. It doesn't seem 2 affect my hub the same way tho. So, just needed to get that out there, and am I really helping this situation at all? Or am I really just an enabler? I see both sides of the coin, but I'm just doing what I feel is best for all, the kids being my primary concern. I have tried to view this as a blessing, because I am blessed to have them , but a lot of times it really bothers me, the way they are. The parents as well. I just wish they could and should be self sufficient. I would appreciate any comments or suggestions no matter what you have to say. I've been told b4 on this forum, I'm the problem here. I just can't honestly drive them out to the curb tho. And they don't seem 2 want to leave. Thanks for listening.
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Old 08-08-2013, 07:48 PM
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Oops, sorry bout the typo. Having troubles using my smart phone . But, the message is still out there. Thanks.
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Old 08-08-2013, 07:49 PM
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Hope I posted this in the correct forum?
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Old 08-08-2013, 08:23 PM
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I think this is one of those sensitive family topics many won't want to advise you on, buuuuut since you asked and you seem to be hurting: you are definitely enabling your son. If he's "grown" and has the time to make 4 kids he can get another job and provide a home for them. They will take advantage of you for as long as you let them. And they will keep telling you they can't "afford" to move out because they know they can and you won't make them leave. Don't let them use you out of your home, marriage and health. Are you drinking as a way of coping with the powerlessness they make you feel? Or the control you don't have in your own home. Tough love is definitely called for here. There's also the option of saying the kids can stay (and follow YOUR rules) but the adults have to go fend for themselves. I know it's hard to put those grandbabies out and it's not the kids' fault. Good luck, raja.
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Old 08-08-2013, 09:03 PM
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raja - I agree with Linnie. As a bit of background, I was a raging codependent, turned to addiction to deal with the alcoholic bf, hit bottom but had done so much damage I had to move "home" with dad and my stepmom (sm).

They were raising my niece (her mom died in a car wreck, her bio-dad is a raging A...back in jail again).

My niece (I call her bratkin) was mostly influenced by my severely codie and addict sm. She was a wild child, gone for months at a time. When she was home, we used to fight all the time, she told me how much she hated me.

I clung to the Friends & Family forum/substance abuse and i learned that I didn't have to respond to her outbreaks. We used to have what I call the "f-you" fights, but when I stopped responding? Her behavior began to change.

I realized that MY serenity was important. To be honest, there were many times I nearly bit my tongue in half NOT to respond. Believe it or not, our relationship improved.

She saw me as the person who supported her when she was doing right, detached when when she was wild child. Though dad and sm totally enabled her, I didn't.

Long story short. She is still totally attached to my sm, who is not only codie but an A. However, she is also married and has a child of her own, and she now sees why I wanted things for her, that (at the time) she could care less.

I am the only one who let her deal with her consequences of her actions. Treat me like ****? I won't talk to you. Wanna start a fight? Guess what, when I bow out of the argument, she realized that it was no "fun" fighting without any response.

To be honest, I nearly bit my tongue in two trying to not respond.

Today? We have an awesome relationship, something I never thought would happen. She appreciates me, and that fact that I didn't put up with her BS.

My dad is still enabling her by giving then money, my sm practically LIVES there, but she and I? We're cool, and she knows my boundaries. I'm the only one in her life that has stood up and said "I will NOT tolerate this behavior" though it was extremely hard.

You have the right to YOUR serenity. You can't change what the parents are doing with the kids, but in my experience, you CAN show the kids what is acceptable and not acceptable. They will fight you, at first, but they will appreciate it in the long run.

Take care of YOU and your serenity, and let go of the outcome. For me? I was convinced my niece would shut me out of her life. Quite the contrary, but it took a long time.

Kids NEED boundaries and to learn that there are consequences for their actions. You have the right to determine what is acceptable in your house, and what is not.

If the parents don't agree? It's time for them to find another place.

FWIW, I'm both a recovering addict and a recovering codie. I went through he!! with my niece, but to this day? She will tell you "Amy always has my back, when I'm doing the right thing".

Hang in there sweetie, and take care of YOU!! We can't undo what others do to kids, but we can show them that are consequenses for actions, and in my experience? At some point they appreciate that.

Hugs and prayers,

Amy
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Old 08-08-2013, 09:18 PM
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Thanks so much Impurrfect and Linnie. I know you are both right on your views of this topic. Its really more of a family issue here. I have a lot of work ahead of me in dealing with this. But thanks so much for your advice. Its hard, and there has to be a lot of changes to come. I'm working on it. And I really agree with you Linnie, they had these kids, they need 2 step up and take responsibility for them. How I so wished I was just Grandma. Coming 2 visit, and do all the normal things grandparents do with the kids. Instead of being the major caregiver. I do believe tho that God put this on me for a reason. I'm not doing so well with it, but I still believe it will all work out ok, if I can muddle thru, and make some positive changes happen here. I know I've done the best I can, even tho if affects me so. Thanks so much for responding.
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Old 08-08-2013, 09:44 PM
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I know it's hard, Raja. I'll keep you in my prayers. Good luck, lady
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