Needing support
 

Hello out there. I am trying again after successfully remaining sober for 8 months last year. I have been in relapse for several months and it never it is going to get better. I am kicking myself after doing so well. I had attended a part time out- patient program for six months where I participated in groups and also education classes. The groups helped me to open up and I certainly learned how much we are alike as human beings. I so needed that. It helped me to overcome my shame having the education and understanding the disease. It was a godsend - inexpensive as part of my health insurance, and eye opening. It was a safe environment.

Where it went wrong - what was difficult was for me to find an AA group or meeting where I felt I belonged. I tried several groups around the center (next town over) during the 6 months (as part of the program) but just did not click. This was my downfall. I was totally fine and doing so well at the center but once completely on my own... within two months, I had no support, and right back in I went. I knew better but just did not take action.

What is my problem? I don't feel comfortable going to AA groups in town because I am still ashamed, I guess. I am having difficulty clicking with AA. My husband is well known in the community. But then this gives me an excuse not to go to meetings because it takes more driving/effort. It makes it easier to pretend it will be okay. I have to get over this! I am stopping my progress and as such not completely accepting my illness. I have to find some people I can trust and see on a regular basis, where I feel safe. It's interesting in that I can have compassion for others, and no judgement when meeting others at meetings but then feel as if other people will not return these important pieces of sobriety. Of course people can, have and will and did the entire time in my sobriety last year. I keep asking myself why this is so hard to understand again. Must be the alcohol talking. I guess I didn't accept the illness in it's entirety.

Any thoughts ?

AprilMae

Have you thought about what made you to drink again after 8 months?

I think it is difficult for some people to receive help, I do not think it has necessarily to do with whether you accept you have a problem.

Legna wrote some, in my view, very insightful posts on AA in the " In AA but don't want to do "The Steps" anymore" thread.

I have never attended AA meetings and it would not be possible for me to do that, I do not see that as I do not take the problem seriously, that setup would not work for me.

I'm not an AA person, but I hope you find a group that works for you.

And, remember that there is always support here at SR. :)

AprilMae,I too never felt like I belonged,I live in a very small upstate New York town,everyone know everyone and my partner who's lived here and owned a business . I felt like they were all pod people spouting off the same ol same ol,paraphrasing the aa big book like the bible and really turning me off to the whole program.i used the excuse I'm not like them nor do I want to be. The only place that led me was back to doing drugs and drinking probably worse off then I was before. I heard but I didn't listen,there's a big difference. I also found out I was totally jealous of a lot of them with their multiple years of sobriety and me counting days,especially when I'd have a relapse or just a small slip I'd beat myself up to no end. So,just recently I went back,absolutely beaten down and disparate ,at first all I could think was they'll all be looking at me going there he is AGAIN,can't get past ninety days clean and sober. I cleared my mind of all my self inflicted reasons why I didn't or shouldn't want to go and I went. My head cleared and with the main thought that this is for me,not Joe AA who's been sober 39 hundred years. I went in and I took the suggestions,got a sponsor,I'm currently starting to work the steps and trying to do my 90/ 90 and am looking for a service commitment. I guess what I'm trying to tell you is don't let circumstance or other people stop you what you need to get for you. I look at this as we are all just a pill or a drink away from a relapse ,if we don't do the work and follow the suggestion,we lose,no one else ,just our selfs . I'd have gone through a hurricane ,barefoot on broken glass to get my drugs,I need to put the same effort in to my sobriety read step one,that pretty much sums it all up. I know I'm powerless over my drugs and what they do to me the only option I have is to work a program and put forth the energy I did when I was using. It's really simple,all those little things I said and used as an excuse are just that,excuses. They serve no purpose and beating yourself up about clean time lost is no good either,if I did I that all the time I'd never leave the house.just know your not alone and if you need us we are just a click away..best of luck to you on your journey.....
P

Hi April Mae,

Welcome to the forum. I attend NA, but I can relate to not fitting in. I was too smart, too well dressed, and too healthy for those folks. I didn't have the right war stories. And I was afraid to open up to others. At some point I started focusing on the similarities and not the differences. And I really just wanted to hang out with clean people and didn't know any.

There are a number of alcoholics in NA. They don't really care about the substance, and in my experience, all addicts are welcome.

Keep working through these issues, and stay honest. I wish you the best.

I was not too wild about AA in the beginning but it was a lot less painful than the alterative

AprilMae, you made it 8 months so you know you can do it. I get the majority of my support concerning substance abuse issues here on SR. Rootin for ya. :egypt:

Thanks everyone for your replies and support. I absolutely did it before and I will do it again. And, I did learn to focus on the similarities and the profound stories people had. I'm just being weird about meetings and I need to stop that silly little mind game.

I am looking at what made me start again and the difficulties I must continue working through. It is true that one must change their life - to change their life. I hope this last big push is it and I come out on the other side with my completely "new life."

FatallyUncool - you know, I hadn't thought of attending NA. Addiction is addiction - the behavior is certainly the same. Perhaps I should look at a local NA group and see what sounds good.
Personally, many of the people I know are addicted to something and haven't accepted the fact: cell phones, social media, food, computers, their jobs, video games, alcohol, their self help spiritual paths - you name it. Highly educated, successful people. It's all the same and I have truly realized that more deeply these past months.

keep focusing on the similarities you have to the people in those AA groups instead of the differences. leave your hangups at the door and go into those rooms with honesty and humility. so what you're husband's well known around town? that doesn't mean diddly squat in AA. you can be the most well known socialite in the town but if you come to AA with honesty, humility and willingness, you're just another welcome member of the group. your status outside of AA is a bigger deal to you than to anyone else. you will find that the old, grizzled, chain smoking guy with 30+ years of sobriety is just as honored and respected at the people with just a couple of years or a few months. when we walk through those doors, we should leave our baggage right there and focus on what's important. staying sober.

I have been to a couple of women's AA meetings and I felt more comfortable to share.. Maybe you can check one out. Good luck and just find what works for you... You sober are the most important thing right now ... Good luck :)

Thank you and you are so right, Grits. None of it matters and I just have to get over it. I know this intellectually.. so smart and so .... silly. Now I have to move fully into it. It's my baggage, totally! Why can't I just acknowledge I am a human being, too, along with everyone else? What is the issue here? I am on my knees asking for God to show me why I I I am making such a big deal out of this. I just need to be human and real like everyone else.

After the meeting I attended last night and sharing that I didn't feel I belonged and might do a program designed by what my needs are. I laugh now.. I was in my head thinking, I will attend 4 meetings a week, not read the big book because I can't relate and tell my sponsor we don't need to meet for discussions... Then I am sitting in my car before the meeting and I was like god tell me what to do I am sober and feel under control... So I opened the big book and there it was the story from a person I could relate... I shared this and honesty is great.. I got so much advice from the group I was full of strength and know that I gotta "keep coming". We are alcoholics and the desease can manifest in so many different ways... It is sneaky and destructive... AA helps me identify when I cannot that it is my desease talking and gives mme the tools to stay sober.. It is up to me to follow or not...

You made me smile. :tyou

You have reminded me that God is doing for me what I cannot do for myself.

I have to add for someone that didn't want to work the big book... I was at a meeting early on a Saturday morning reading the BB.. Talk about turning it over to my HP and being up front... Today I learned I am a child in kindergarten that KNOWS nothing... Little itsy bitsy steps.. It works if you keep coming.

Went to a women's meeting tonight and I felt great afterwards! A real shift happened for me over the past few days... further acceptance, in a deeper way than before, of my illness. Very powerful. I needed that. Thanks for the replies.

That's so fantastic you found a group you resonate with!

Thanks, Nuudawn - yes, great group of ladies. Monday at 6Pm close to home. Works for me !