Bills395

I'm going to go to my first AA meeting today. I have to find a way to beat this. I feel total shame and embarrassment. My wife doesn't believe I will go -why should she? Years of lying, sneaking saying "I'm sorry" when I know darn well it has no meaning. In five days I'll be "good to go" again and this cycle I'm in keeps turning and I hate it, I have to break out. I don't see a future continuing with drinking. I haven't "hit bottom" but I know it's there waiting for me, maybe the next time I drink. I'm full of shame, I feel weak, like a failure.

neferkamichael

Good for you Bill, you are admitting you have a drinking problem and that's a start. "Hitting bottom:, can happen in the blink of an eye so enjoy your first meeting. Rootin for ya.

JettBoy

You are on the right path,our loved ones don't believe us cause we have lied to them so much,all you can do is go and show her that you are trying. I'm going through the same thing with my partner,he says there's holes in my recovery plan but I took his advice and looked at what I was doing. Go there,raise your hand ask for a temporary sponsor,try n do the 90 meetings in 90 days and get involved ,you may be quite surprised how good it feels. The guilt and the shame will pass,it can keep you down but don't let it just know that all you have to do is 24 hours at a time.its the easiest way,one day at a time..good luck to you.put as much into your recovery as you did Your addiction and you'll be pleasantly surprised...

anonymau5

Hey Bill,
I feel the same way. I haven't hit bottom yet! I know that if I continue down this trajectory I will eventually hit bottom. Good luck on your first meeting, I will be attending my first tonight also.

-L

resolute50

Welcome to SR,Bill.
Glad you found this site and judging by your determination in your post,I can tell you're ready to put drinking behind you.
Time to turn that feeling of failure to feeling empowered.

ImperfectlyMe

As many of the wise people here say, " your bottom is when you stop digging"
Bottom doesn't have to be you in a gutter homeless broke alone. Your bottom can be now when you're not the person you want to be.

It's a blessing if you choose sobriety now rather than at a lower "bottom"
Good luck tonight... Welcome to SR

soberhawk

I like that one.

heath480

Welcome to SR Bills.

I hope you get identification with the others attending the AA meeting.I did at my first meeting and have been going back ever since.

I wish you well.

Eleni58

I didn't hit rock bottom or have something tragically occur to me before I quit drinking. I just decided I wanted sobriety more than I wanted to be drunk. That is the key.

Bills395

Thank you everyone. I have been seeing a professional - who first took the approach that I could manage my drinking. That has failed. Today when I went to see him be explained to me that I'm out of options - I need AA because the road I'm going down just gets worse, there is no light. He explained addiction and quite simply told me I need to stop. For me, it's not day one that is difficult it's day 5 or 6 when my addiction convinces me that "it's all good" pick up some drinks - then drink it all and perhaps even seek out more. My wife doesn't want me to mention anything to our kids as she fully expects me to relapse 5/6 days from now and that will simply add worry to their lives. I suppose it doesn't matter because I'm sure they know - when Dad drinks for 2 or 3 days straight (they are young adults) It just makes me so sad that my past behavior gives my wife very little hope. I've lost her respect and the blame rests clearly on me. This thing in me beats down who I should be, it's killed my self respect and I need that back. I'm not that guy my addiction wants me to be. Next week will come fast and with it the assurance that "you can have a few drinks" I'm very sure at that point I will need what AA is hopefully going to offer.

Jeni26

Hi and welcome to SR. This is a very supportive community. Post as much as you like, there will always be someone around to help.

I hope your first meeting goes well. Introduce yourself as a newcomer and you will be given phone numbers of other members who will offer to help. Don't be afraid to use them.

Good to have you with us.

Hevyn

Welcome Bill! It's so good to have you here.

We've all been through this, and you're among friends who truly understand. The 'normies' in our life just can't get it. That's why posting here helped me feel encouraged and like I really could make it this time. It worked.

One of the things that held me back was feeling like a failure, weak, and full of shame - just like you said. I was advised to stop bullying myself with self-defeating thoughts and reach out for the new life that was waiting for me. None of us thinks we'll end up hurting our loved ones and doing foolish things - but alcohol takes over our lives and starts to call all the shots. You can break the cycle - we know you can.

Dee74

Welcome Bills

The early days are rough - try not to bury yourself under too much shame tho - it's counter productive...

You are not your addiction, ok? We're more than that

The more you work on things, the better you'll feel and the better you'll start to look to your loved ones.

It'll take a little while for all that to come to pass, but you'll get there

The journey starts today

D

Bills395

Hi

Sorry guys I just couldn't get up the nerve to go in to the AA meeting. I drove past about 6 times - I wasn't feeling to good at the time and I was just to afraid. I might try again today. I would just rather hang out in here for a bit anyway and figure out why it bothers me so much to be to be seen there. Still motivated not to drink. Do you people typically go everyday.
Thanks

LuLu13

Hi Bill, going to that first meeting is tough. I had a hard time walking in the first time. I have now been to several different meetings and it does get easier. I know AA recommends 90 meetings in 90 days but, no, I do not go everyday. I am making about 4 to 5 meetings a week, returning to those meetings I like and that provide me some benefit. I am still not sure if AA is for me but, right now, it helps just to be there and learn. Give it a shot, what have you got to lose?