chainfree

I try not to think about it, but on occasion, I look down at my arm and am reminded of the time when I used so often, I had a permanent hole in my arm. I remember how the vein was right there, I just shoved the needle into it...in fact, I no longer needed the needle part.
It makes me feel sick to think back on that. How disgusting that was. How could I do that to myself? Now what remains is a huge scar surrounded by smaller "hole" scars around it.
I used to wear long sleeve shirts to cover the fresh track marks. Today, nearly four years later, I still wear the long sleeves to cover the scars left behind. Why? Because whenever I notice someone looking at my arm, I feel ashamed. I know they are wondering if what they are seeing is real. I feel ashamed because I wish what they were seeing wasn't real. I wish I could have a better story to go with the scar, not a story that brings me shame.

lilgolden73

Our scars remind us that the past was real. We all have those scars whether they are visible or not. Hang in there!

YoungAndClean

Chainfree if you want to stop feeling self-pity, ashamed, use your arm and story to help other IV junkies stop before the same happens to them. This isn't really my idea, it's just a spin-off of what AA has taught me changes people on the inside. Or, if you pray, pray for acceptance? Those are a couple suggestions but you have 4 years and I, 7 days, so take that with a grain of salt.

Mountainmanbob

I agree that these kind of scars
are not an easy thing to live with
they can be looked upon by us
as a reminder that we could have died while out there using

I have been in A-Fib for around 10 years now
probably brought on by the things I did
true no one can see this with the naked eye
but
has been known to shorten many life's

all the more reason for us to stay sober

because there is always awaiting a
still worse relapse for us out there
and
more scars

MB

littlefish

Maybe you could consider plastic surgery? Recovered alcoholics that lost teeth to the disease often choose dentures and have dental work. Why not? I don't need physical reminders of my drinking: although I do have them. I can start with my face and all the broken veins caused by drinking. The broken veins don't really have as much of an impact on me as memories of things I did.

Threshold

I understand. I have scars too. I was afraid to get involved with anyone because if I undressed they'd see my scars.

Yesterday I went out to dinner with friends, I was wearing shorts and when I sat down, some of my scars were VERY visible. Sometimes it really depresses me. Consequences of my own life choices. There it is, my daily reality check.

I have no wise words other than that I relate to what you are saying.

Anna

I am sorry you feel conspicuous. My scars are all on the inside, though, even there, they show sometimes.

Be very proud of how far you've come and what you've accomplished.

FeelingGreat

Well, scars or not chain free I think you're awesome to succeed where so many have fallen.

BabyJane

I have many scars from using drugs and I am ashamed too - sometimes when I'm at the doctor's office I get the feeling I'm being sized up by medical staff because its pretty weird to have so many marks on the arms and whatnot. Mine are from picking when I was into speed / coke. So gross. Then again, they remind me of how far I have come and where I won't return if I stay sober. I hope you can love yourself anyway today. You are more than those scars. You should be proud of how much you've changed. I think you are amazing.

JettBoy

I hate mine to,it reminds me of how much pain I was in that'd I'd do that to myself.just remember you don't ever have to add any new ones. Your at least sober and that in itself is a miracle..I've been to the same places you have so know your not alone...keep your head up!!! 😊😊😊😊😊😊😊😊😊😊😊

chainfree

I want to thank each and everyone of you for your words. It is so easy to feel like I am all alone sometimes. You remind me that I am not. You tell me I am still good. That I am still a person who deserves what is right and true. You remind e that I made bad choices and made mistakes....Yesterday. You remind me that I am not defined by those mistakes. They are no longer who I am.
What a gift you are to me. Especially now as I am healing a little more with each passing day. When we think we can do this alone...when we say we don't care what others think...It's not true. You remind me that I need you. I need your support, your love, your empathy. Without those things, this road is a lonely one. Again, Thanks.

aasharon90

The outter scars can be hidden or concealed
easily with positive nice looking tattoos. Many
people have had scars from operations or
accidents and even child birth from C-Sections
and use different types of scar creams like Mederma.

Working with a program of recovery can absolutely
help the inside, emotional, physcological scars that
we use to drink or drug over.

Im my mid 50's now and 23yrs. sobriety, I began
getting many of my pretty tattoos at 50 and absolutely
love and cherish them. I even have several tattoos
with AA recovery words and symbols with a motorcycle
wheel and wing on my shoulder. All my tattoos are
chosen carefully and worn with pride.

Just a few thoughts to share with you.

Beautifulwoman

I completely agree with you about this situation. I had been clean for about two years and I lost that battle a month ago. I have been clean for about a month and it drives me crazy. I look at my arms all the time and I wear long sleeves. I went to church all of my life and I knew better than to do this to my body and now I have to wear it like a BRIGHT YELLOW shirt. But it's not so bad from others I have seen or even my best friend that is DEAD!! I wish I could take it back but that's to late now. So all I can do is try and help others out because with Jesus all things are possible. I use to feel bad about myself but he loves all of us no matter what. If your using, abusing, drinking, and other things his front door is always open no matter what it is. I felt so good knowing that and running to church helps me a lot. I have real friends there that don't judge me but give me power to tell others my story. I have been down this road many of times but God brought me out finally and I know I will stay this way for years to come as long as I am on his side. If I slip then the devil will be there like a month ago to put back into my place so I know all I have to do is stick with my program and I will be fine!! Good luck, and I hope I helped someone!!

Dee74

Welcome to SR Beautifulwoman

D

Beautifulwoman

I agree with you but I am currently in a relationship and it sucks because we can't even have sex because I am afraid he will look at my scares. I am very afraid that he will judge because he has in the past. We have been together for 10 years now and I have worked really hard to be were we are but I slipped and now I have that in my face every day because of him. I really love him but sometimes I want to fall back into my ways because of the things he says about me being addict. I have been trying really hard by going to church and changing my ways so that I stay clean. This time it will happen and I can be proud to stay that it will be like 10 years hopefully. Good luck.

Beautifulwoman

Dee,
Thank you very much for welcoming me to SR!!!

Mountainmanbob

most tracks go away with time
a few clean and sober years down the road (most) abused arms
will look pretty healthy

true
some knots left behind from abscesses and the such caused by (missing the vein)
can take a very long time to disappear
but
I have even seen these go completely away after proxy 10 to 20 years
yes -- to most that may sound like a very long time
but
for the one who used to have so many tracks that
on many hot summers at work they would have to wear long sleeve shirts
and ran scared that if stopped by the police
one look at their arms would mean a fast trip to jail (it was like that in the old days)
to look at our arms today and see a normal looking arm

IS SUCH A BLESSING
AND REMINDS US OF WHY WE DON'T DO THAT ANYMORE
YES -- IN MANY WAYS OUR BODY'S HAVE HEALED

now Mountainman and others
don't return to your sin or something worse may happen to you

MM

Chasingthedream

I understand that shame, and I think you're all amazingly brave to not let it lead you back down the path to using. It could so easily be having that effect, but you have chosen not to tread that path again and that is AMAZINGLY BRAVE

It must be hard to have to wear the scars on the outside. I guess all of us have the scars on the inside, and sometimes it feels like others can see them inside of you.

People who love you, will not judge you for these scars. I guess those that do judge have yet to meet their nemesis in life, something that they have no power over. But it happens to most of us.

Perhaps you could do as youngandclean suggests, and used it to help others as a way of helping yourself?

Forgive yourself, I'm sure those that love you did that a long time ago.

Mountainmanbob

some makeup used on the arms can also do wonders
so as to hide tracks

MM




Michael Bolton - Tracks Of My Tears (New Song 2013)

http://youtu.be/gvp_NHzo-3A

doggonecarl

Four years clean from IV drug use is not a shameful story. It's a story of victory, of betterment.

I'm a drug addict in recovery. And an alcoholic. That's my story. I'm not proud of being one, but neither am I ashamed of it. I am proud of how far I've come and what it took to get here. My past will not bow my head.

Your's shouldn't either.