First Day, looking for advise
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: The Big Easy
Posts: 115
First Day, looking for advise
Hi, my name is Stacia and I'm an alcoholic. Although, I've never said that out loud, I've known it for years.
Im so happy to have found this site!! Like a few posts I have read, I feel empty & worthless, lost in a fog on a road to nowhere. For years, I blamed my career for my stress, my alchohol consumption for my need of stress relief & the glass in my hand so i could be like the other brave & social people around me. I've taken the tests, I've watched alcohol destroy people, I've lived with the hangovers, I've hidden how much I drink, lost a relationship & waited for the fall to rock bottom (weirdly thinking I deserve it).
Even though I haven't hit rock bottom yet, emotionally & "goal wise" I'm there. At 38, I'm successful in a ceilinged career, broke, unhealthy, alone, sad, shallow have health problems & not living life!!!!! My biggest problem with stopping drinking has been (besides the obvious- STOPPING), social anxiety, fear of what I've been numbing for years, but mostly fear of failure.
The few times I have quit, my sobriety had lasted mostly a fay or two - a week. Though, it's been years since i tried to quit last, yesterday starts my new start. Currently, Im having a very hard time w sleeping, sugar cravings, replacing my drinking time, support.... Oh, going outside of the house!.... First step stuff... I know that work, anxiety & anger are big triggers. How do you identify other triggers, besides the feeling? Because I drink when I cook, when I celebrate, I'm stressed, when I fly... I'm afraid to do anything.
Recently I picked up the big blue book. Group meetings arent a possible for me right now, however, I see a therapist 2x a week.
Thank you for any advice & information!
Im so happy to have found this site!! Like a few posts I have read, I feel empty & worthless, lost in a fog on a road to nowhere. For years, I blamed my career for my stress, my alchohol consumption for my need of stress relief & the glass in my hand so i could be like the other brave & social people around me. I've taken the tests, I've watched alcohol destroy people, I've lived with the hangovers, I've hidden how much I drink, lost a relationship & waited for the fall to rock bottom (weirdly thinking I deserve it).
Even though I haven't hit rock bottom yet, emotionally & "goal wise" I'm there. At 38, I'm successful in a ceilinged career, broke, unhealthy, alone, sad, shallow have health problems & not living life!!!!! My biggest problem with stopping drinking has been (besides the obvious- STOPPING), social anxiety, fear of what I've been numbing for years, but mostly fear of failure.
The few times I have quit, my sobriety had lasted mostly a fay or two - a week. Though, it's been years since i tried to quit last, yesterday starts my new start. Currently, Im having a very hard time w sleeping, sugar cravings, replacing my drinking time, support.... Oh, going outside of the house!.... First step stuff... I know that work, anxiety & anger are big triggers. How do you identify other triggers, besides the feeling? Because I drink when I cook, when I celebrate, I'm stressed, when I fly... I'm afraid to do anything.
Recently I picked up the big blue book. Group meetings arent a possible for me right now, however, I see a therapist 2x a week.
Thank you for any advice & information!
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Upstate New York
Posts: 51,563
Stacia lives - it's so great to have you join us. Welcome! 
I understand how you feel about triggers. I had used alcohol to cope with everything. Instead of helping it was just making me weaker and more dependent. All those things you face sober for the first time are going to feel strange - but once you get over the hurdles you begin to heal and grow stronger. Drinking never gives us courage - we just think it's helping. It holds us down and prevents us from growing and dealing with life.
You sound so ready for this change. It feels great to be free. You can do it!
I understand how you feel about triggers. I had used alcohol to cope with everything. Instead of helping it was just making me weaker and more dependent. All those things you face sober for the first time are going to feel strange - but once you get over the hurdles you begin to heal and grow stronger. Drinking never gives us courage - we just think it's helping. It holds us down and prevents us from growing and dealing with life.
You sound so ready for this change. It feels great to be free. You can do it!
Member
Join Date: Aug 2012
Posts: 3,777
Welcome. I am glad you found this site. We are all working towards the same goal. You have found the right place to receive and give support. The first few weeks are a little challenging, and so I hope that this forum can be a tool for you to utilize.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: northern michigan. not the U.P.
Posts: 15,281
I believe what you are experiencein is what the big book of AA talks about: the craving compulsion, and obsession to drink. for me, that all came up only one time a day:when I was awake. my life revolved around alcohol,so it didn't matter what I did, it caused the throught of a drink. what I did was got a higher power real quick, one personal to me and that would help me with all my problems. I had some pretty rough days in the beginning, but i had finally got it from my head to my heart that alcohol was not the solution. i put complete faith in the program of AA and the fellowship, the people that had been where i was. they said it would get better as long as i didn't take that next drink and worked the program. they were right!!
the 1st day i made it without even thinking about a drink...that was a friggin miracle! i didn't realize it until the next day, but i couldn't remember a day in a very long time that at least the thought didn't come up.
difficulty sleeping in the beginning is rather common. I was quite miserable when I got into recovery through AA and didn't get a full, decent nights sleep for a while , but it did start happening.it was after i got a higher power to help me with all my problems.
sugar cravings can be common,too. the body turns alcohol into sugar, so yer body may be experiencing a lil withdrawl.
what ya type brings me great memories of what i used to be like. i used to think my anger was because im irish( heard that once and ran with it!). through workin the steps, i found out i lived my life in fear. i had a very low self esteem,too. i didn't like myself too much and thought for sure everyones opinion of me was at least as low as mine, which in turn would cause me to have a few drinks before goin out anywhere.
the program of AA turned me around. i used to think i was hopeless,helpless, useless, and worthless. today i have use and worth, am loaded with hope, and can help others.
there are online AA meetings available,too. ill send ya a PM to show ya a place where i hit online meetings.
the 1st day i made it without even thinking about a drink...that was a friggin miracle! i didn't realize it until the next day, but i couldn't remember a day in a very long time that at least the thought didn't come up.
difficulty sleeping in the beginning is rather common. I was quite miserable when I got into recovery through AA and didn't get a full, decent nights sleep for a while , but it did start happening.it was after i got a higher power to help me with all my problems.
sugar cravings can be common,too. the body turns alcohol into sugar, so yer body may be experiencing a lil withdrawl.
what ya type brings me great memories of what i used to be like. i used to think my anger was because im irish( heard that once and ran with it!). through workin the steps, i found out i lived my life in fear. i had a very low self esteem,too. i didn't like myself too much and thought for sure everyones opinion of me was at least as low as mine, which in turn would cause me to have a few drinks before goin out anywhere.
the program of AA turned me around. i used to think i was hopeless,helpless, useless, and worthless. today i have use and worth, am loaded with hope, and can help others.
there are online AA meetings available,too. ill send ya a PM to show ya a place where i hit online meetings.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Somewhere in the sands of time
Posts: 1,462
I totally get where you are coming from, I feel the same way. Alcohol has been so embedded in my brain as a way to socialize I have a very hard time wrapping my brain around not drinking ever again. Hang in there, we are here for ya!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: The Big Easy
Posts: 115
Thank you for your support and advise!
I actually started (well "stopped" drinking) last week. I finally caved with a couple glasses of wine bc I didn't sleep for 2.5 days & finally crashed in the middle of a workday, on a lunch break at home. I drank whatever i had left in the house that night to get to sleep.... Logically, every sip reminded me of the power that controlled me.
So fortunate to have found this forum. Thank you again
I actually started (well "stopped" drinking) last week. I finally caved with a couple glasses of wine bc I didn't sleep for 2.5 days & finally crashed in the middle of a workday, on a lunch break at home. I drank whatever i had left in the house that night to get to sleep.... Logically, every sip reminded me of the power that controlled me.
So fortunate to have found this forum. Thank you again
Member
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: BRONX
Posts: 2
Hi, Stacia! I'm new, too and I identify with a lot of the anxiety and uncomfortableness you feel. I found my trouble with all the shame, anxiety, fear and guilt is twofold
1. Can't change what's been done
2. Ruminating in the guilt and shame is a great trigger for relapse
I have come to finally accept I just have to live through it an know sobriety might be the best and only way I can overcome those "bad" feelings, right now.
1. Can't change what's been done
2. Ruminating in the guilt and shame is a great trigger for relapse
I have come to finally accept I just have to live through it an know sobriety might be the best and only way I can overcome those "bad" feelings, right now.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: san francisco, ca
Posts: 130
Hi Stacia,
Welcome !
Thank you for sharing. The first week or two is perhaps the most difficult because the guilt, shame, fear & anxiety are so acute. Once a little distance comes between you and that last drink, these feelings begin to subside.
I celebrate 30 days sober today and I'm in the wine business. I have open wine with my M-F everyday. It sucks when you're trying to quit the very poison you sell to make a living. My career will have to change obviously but the truth is, if you want to drink, you'll find a way, there's a liquor store less than 5 minutes from most people, but if you DONT want to drink anymore and you long for a better life, nothing can stop you either. That's my belief anyway. So far, it has worked for me. I laugh a lot more and found that I'm quite silly and fun without drinking but how wonderful it is to wake up REFRESHED and NOT HUNGOVER! :
Keep posting and reaching out - remember you're not alone and you always have support in SR!
Best wishes!
Welcome !
Thank you for sharing. The first week or two is perhaps the most difficult because the guilt, shame, fear & anxiety are so acute. Once a little distance comes between you and that last drink, these feelings begin to subside.
I celebrate 30 days sober today and I'm in the wine business. I have open wine with my M-F everyday. It sucks when you're trying to quit the very poison you sell to make a living. My career will have to change obviously but the truth is, if you want to drink, you'll find a way, there's a liquor store less than 5 minutes from most people, but if you DONT want to drink anymore and you long for a better life, nothing can stop you either. That's my belief anyway. So far, it has worked for me. I laugh a lot more and found that I'm quite silly and fun without drinking but how wonderful it is to wake up REFRESHED and NOT HUNGOVER! :
Keep posting and reaching out - remember you're not alone and you always have support in SR!
Best wishes!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: The Big Easy
Posts: 115
You all are so right.
The shame and guilt will always keep that cycle going!
Chrystal-u-r-MIGHTY! Glad ur here!
Congrats on 30 Shay!!! & thank you for the support & keep up the great work!
The shame and guilt will always keep that cycle going!
Chrystal-u-r-MIGHTY! Glad ur here!
Congrats on 30 Shay!!! & thank you for the support & keep up the great work!
Minx
Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: Nz
Posts: 35
Welcome,
Nothing in life that's worth it is ever easy stacia, I can only promise from the bottom of my heart that if u stick to it one day at a time , it Only gets better, all the other stuff will melt away, u can have a life beyond ur wildest dreams and all uve every wanted in life, I can't tell u how much alcohol is poisonous to us and is the total curse of our generation,
All the very best, try not to get hungry, angry, lonely or tired, HALT
T
Nothing in life that's worth it is ever easy stacia, I can only promise from the bottom of my heart that if u stick to it one day at a time , it Only gets better, all the other stuff will melt away, u can have a life beyond ur wildest dreams and all uve every wanted in life, I can't tell u how much alcohol is poisonous to us and is the total curse of our generation,
All the very best, try not to get hungry, angry, lonely or tired, HALT
T
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