Diary of a Mad Cow
Woe is Moo.
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2013
Posts: 2,746
I know what I has to do. I has to give up every trace of caffeines and other stimulant. Also including stimulating edibles, including but no limited to, delicious chocolates, herbs, spices, sugar and such.
That like, just as hard as quitting the alcohols! Is like double whammy of deprivations and very difficult, especially when there is craft services on set.
But is not matter how difficult, yes? Is what it is, and like Luke, I just has to find way to dig deeper and get my f*cking X-Wing out of swamp or I gonna spend whole life in dark, dreary Dagobah. I like Alice, "I generally gives myself very good advices, but I very seldom take it." But I still got more "try" in me, I do!
That like, just as hard as quitting the alcohols! Is like double whammy of deprivations and very difficult, especially when there is craft services on set.
But is not matter how difficult, yes? Is what it is, and like Luke, I just has to find way to dig deeper and get my f*cking X-Wing out of swamp or I gonna spend whole life in dark, dreary Dagobah. I like Alice, "I generally gives myself very good advices, but I very seldom take it." But I still got more "try" in me, I do!
Its a cold and its a broken hallelujah.
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 2,887
Oh I know All about craft services. It's evil on tables.
What if, you gave yourself a timeframe - say, I'll give it up for a week, a month, a few months, and if nothing changes, you can go right back to where you are now ? The thing about this disease is that we can get a full refund on our misery whenever we want it. Just pick up again.
But without an earnest effort, how in fecks sake will you ever really know if you could have saved your own azz ?
Any BODY can do any THING for just a little while. When I start to get all princess of the pity party, I think about concentration camps and the power of the human spirit. A paltry and rather offensive comparison I know, but it all comes down to survival.
So, you feeling lucky punk ?
What if, you gave yourself a timeframe - say, I'll give it up for a week, a month, a few months, and if nothing changes, you can go right back to where you are now ? The thing about this disease is that we can get a full refund on our misery whenever we want it. Just pick up again.
But without an earnest effort, how in fecks sake will you ever really know if you could have saved your own azz ?
Any BODY can do any THING for just a little while. When I start to get all princess of the pity party, I think about concentration camps and the power of the human spirit. A paltry and rather offensive comparison I know, but it all comes down to survival.
So, you feeling lucky punk ?
Woe is Moo.
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2013
Posts: 2,746
Is good strategies, AlphaO. I has actual use these 2 strategy on myself for decades. Unfortunately, the “just give it a month, substances will always be there for you” argument is usual defeat by the all powerful “just start tomorrow, sobriety will always be there for you” rebuttal.
Now, knowledge that many many peoples has endure much more severe sufferings and has overcome it with strength and resilience is more difficult. I read LOT of memoirs by addict, Holocaust survivor, sexual abuse victim, 80's hair band and such. And is sometime, I feel shame for not being as resilient as they. But then I decide that comparisons to other was unfair.
For some, is maybe possible to endure unimaginable thing and come out with fortitude to embrace life and live dammit, live! But for others, they maybe get broken and go off track and take long time and difficult journey to find way back. Is not for anybody to judge how resilient you suppose to be after trauma. Everybody find way best they can, yes? Is interesting topic to me, for sure.
I not mean this to sound like I making excuse for myself. I know damn well is still up to me to try and try and try to make progress for myself, yes?
Now, knowledge that many many peoples has endure much more severe sufferings and has overcome it with strength and resilience is more difficult. I read LOT of memoirs by addict, Holocaust survivor, sexual abuse victim, 80's hair band and such. And is sometime, I feel shame for not being as resilient as they. But then I decide that comparisons to other was unfair.
For some, is maybe possible to endure unimaginable thing and come out with fortitude to embrace life and live dammit, live! But for others, they maybe get broken and go off track and take long time and difficult journey to find way back. Is not for anybody to judge how resilient you suppose to be after trauma. Everybody find way best they can, yes? Is interesting topic to me, for sure.
I not mean this to sound like I making excuse for myself. I know damn well is still up to me to try and try and try to make progress for myself, yes?
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Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: The Deep South
Posts: 14,636
Originally Posted by Cow 
Everybody find way best they can, yes?
Its a cold and its a broken hallelujah.
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 2,887
I have the absolute utmost of faith that you are going to kick this hell hole and come out on the other side.
I'd bet the farm on it.
And we will all get to say, we knew her when...
Fight sister, fight.
I'd bet the farm on it.
And we will all get to say, we knew her when...
Fight sister, fight.
Its a cold and its a broken hallelujah.
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 2,887
I woke up to take my dog out and starting thinking about you.
Cow, dude, you got this all wrong. You already ARE the survivor story. Based upon the history you have so selflessly shared, you can check the "Heros Journey" off your souls bucket list. You have endured, more than your fair share of pain in this lifetime. And, you lived to tell about it ! How can you look at what you have overcome and not think - I RULE ?
So based upon the fact that you might be the strongest person I don't know, I have a hard time copping to you knowing what you need to do to get better, which at this stage of the game seems pale in comparison to the life lessons you have already mastered, and you just saying, meh, maybe tomorrow. News flash - Sobriety MAY NOT BE THERE FOR YOU TOMORROW because you may be dead. Granted, you have flirted with that old chestnut before, and, again, lived to tell about it, but don't you deserve better ? I, for one, think you do. And you are right there ! It's like all you have to do is take that one last, final, baby step and you got this. It'll be done. Over. Kaput. And you owe that to your insanely resilient spirit to at the very least, give yourself a break from all of this pain and turmoil and drudgery and joyless trudging through this gift we get. Life.
The worst is over. You have the battle scars and the badges of honor to prove that. This is the cake walk part.
Now pick yourself up by the bootstraps, dust off your sense of exceptional fortitude and strength that most people will never even be able to touch upon, put on some makeup and pull yourself together.
You deserve this. You deserve so much GD more. You deserve it all.
When the past calls, let it go to voicemail, it's got nothing new to say.
Now, git er done.
xoxo
Cow, dude, you got this all wrong. You already ARE the survivor story. Based upon the history you have so selflessly shared, you can check the "Heros Journey" off your souls bucket list. You have endured, more than your fair share of pain in this lifetime. And, you lived to tell about it ! How can you look at what you have overcome and not think - I RULE ?
So based upon the fact that you might be the strongest person I don't know, I have a hard time copping to you knowing what you need to do to get better, which at this stage of the game seems pale in comparison to the life lessons you have already mastered, and you just saying, meh, maybe tomorrow. News flash - Sobriety MAY NOT BE THERE FOR YOU TOMORROW because you may be dead. Granted, you have flirted with that old chestnut before, and, again, lived to tell about it, but don't you deserve better ? I, for one, think you do. And you are right there ! It's like all you have to do is take that one last, final, baby step and you got this. It'll be done. Over. Kaput. And you owe that to your insanely resilient spirit to at the very least, give yourself a break from all of this pain and turmoil and drudgery and joyless trudging through this gift we get. Life.
The worst is over. You have the battle scars and the badges of honor to prove that. This is the cake walk part.
Now pick yourself up by the bootstraps, dust off your sense of exceptional fortitude and strength that most people will never even be able to touch upon, put on some makeup and pull yourself together.
You deserve this. You deserve so much GD more. You deserve it all.
When the past calls, let it go to voicemail, it's got nothing new to say.
Now, git er done.
xoxo
Guest
Join Date: Feb 2012
Posts: 891
[QUOTE=alphaomega;4127470
When the past calls, let it go to voicemail, it's got nothing new to say. [/QUOTE]
Fabulous post Alpha, this will stick with me, I feel like i've just had a lightbulb moment. I hope Cow you get as much out of this post as I did.
Stay strong and with us Cow, I love reading this thread, you are a very talented cow!
When the past calls, let it go to voicemail, it's got nothing new to say. [/QUOTE]
Fabulous post Alpha, this will stick with me, I feel like i've just had a lightbulb moment. I hope Cow you get as much out of this post as I did.
Stay strong and with us Cow, I love reading this thread, you are a very talented cow!
Member
Join Date: May 2013
Location: west Coast
Posts: 71
Holy Cow--Cow,
I do understand the conundrum that exists between addictive behavior and the creative mind. I also work in the entertainment industry and as long as you write or perform well--no one cares how you got it done.
I would recommend a brilliant book "Drinking, A Love Story" by Caroline Knapp (a writer)---however, if you are like me, reading this will likely elicit nods of affirmation but then like a horse to the barn--moth to the flame, you will just go right back to it. Creative brains fully understand that it is slow suicide BUT they just like it too much to actually quit---a true love/hate relationship--rationalization polished to a high art form.
I have none of your past traumas-but all of your perceived ambivalence. Just know this much--you are not alone in this. There are many artists who struggle. Some get free---some do not. We have lost so many great talents to addiction --- don't want to lose you -- and your voice in the choir DOES matter. This can be done, but something has to break the cycle for the new life to rise from the old.
I do understand the conundrum that exists between addictive behavior and the creative mind. I also work in the entertainment industry and as long as you write or perform well--no one cares how you got it done.
I would recommend a brilliant book "Drinking, A Love Story" by Caroline Knapp (a writer)---however, if you are like me, reading this will likely elicit nods of affirmation but then like a horse to the barn--moth to the flame, you will just go right back to it. Creative brains fully understand that it is slow suicide BUT they just like it too much to actually quit---a true love/hate relationship--rationalization polished to a high art form.
I have none of your past traumas-but all of your perceived ambivalence. Just know this much--you are not alone in this. There are many artists who struggle. Some get free---some do not. We have lost so many great talents to addiction --- don't want to lose you -- and your voice in the choir DOES matter. This can be done, but something has to break the cycle for the new life to rise from the old.
God's work in progress
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: Northeast US
Posts: 515
Good recommendation Blackcat. I'd like to add another..
The Thirsty Muse: Alcohol and the American Writer by Thomas A. Dardis
C'mon Cow, you've got a plethora of folks rooting for you here!
Choose LIFE, now is the time!
Love and hugs,
Kim
The Thirsty Muse: Alcohol and the American Writer by Thomas A. Dardis
C'mon Cow, you've got a plethora of folks rooting for you here!
Choose LIFE, now is the time!
Love and hugs,
Kim
Woe is Moo.
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2013
Posts: 2,746
Day 0: Can I choose life tomorrow, I not feel so hot today?
My fellow drunks! My brother and sisters! Yes, is fear in the heart of Cow. Fear that addiction may claim the very life of me. Yes, a day may come when courage of Cow fails. When I forsake all efforts and break all bonds of fellowship and succumb to mine enemy –but it is no this day! A day of wolves and shattered shields, when Cow come crashing down –but it is no this day! This day I fight! (Or rather, this day I lay about with terrible hangover only made worse by more mercy drinking.) ...But tomorrow I fight! Will you stand with Cow! By all that you hold dear, in name of sobriety and satire, I bid you, stand!
PS. Sincere thank you for continue support everybody. I read every words you say, and I will look up books you all mention.
My fellow drunks! My brother and sisters! Yes, is fear in the heart of Cow. Fear that addiction may claim the very life of me. Yes, a day may come when courage of Cow fails. When I forsake all efforts and break all bonds of fellowship and succumb to mine enemy –but it is no this day! A day of wolves and shattered shields, when Cow come crashing down –but it is no this day! This day I fight! (Or rather, this day I lay about with terrible hangover only made worse by more mercy drinking.) ...But tomorrow I fight! Will you stand with Cow! By all that you hold dear, in name of sobriety and satire, I bid you, stand!
PS. Sincere thank you for continue support everybody. I read every words you say, and I will look up books you all mention.
Woe is Moo.
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2013
Posts: 2,746
Day 1: Sobriety Was No Built In A Day
One day at time is big AA concept. I pretty good at one dayers. I get one today, which pretty easy being that I in hangover hell yesterday. Is stringing one days together where I has decades long history of total failure. Contrary to popular advices, I think when it come to alcohols and stimulant, I need to embrace the black or white thinking, the all or nothing thinking. Is no shades of gray, is not even hint of light beige anywhere in this picture.
Standard wisdoms is that thought of never ever drinking again is too daunting. That daily nibbles of sobriety is more manageable. I think is true for lot of people, but maybe not really suit me. It give me too much leeways for my mind to be okay with just “starting again tomorrow” every time I go wayward. I want permanent forever sobriety. Thought is not daunting, is like relief and wonderful dream. I want it to be DONE. I wish to kills the snake, then chop it head off, then throw it over cliff, where it swept away in raging rivers. GONE. Oh, snake may come to mind like phantom limb some days, but is no matter, if you leg is no there, it no there, even if it itches, and if you snake got no head and is kill and drown, then is no point to muse about it. I know is big concept for little cow, but I feeling like is time to go big or go, well, back to the Safeways for another bottle of Malbec.
*No snakes was harm during this posting.
One day at time is big AA concept. I pretty good at one dayers. I get one today, which pretty easy being that I in hangover hell yesterday. Is stringing one days together where I has decades long history of total failure. Contrary to popular advices, I think when it come to alcohols and stimulant, I need to embrace the black or white thinking, the all or nothing thinking. Is no shades of gray, is not even hint of light beige anywhere in this picture.
Standard wisdoms is that thought of never ever drinking again is too daunting. That daily nibbles of sobriety is more manageable. I think is true for lot of people, but maybe not really suit me. It give me too much leeways for my mind to be okay with just “starting again tomorrow” every time I go wayward. I want permanent forever sobriety. Thought is not daunting, is like relief and wonderful dream. I want it to be DONE. I wish to kills the snake, then chop it head off, then throw it over cliff, where it swept away in raging rivers. GONE. Oh, snake may come to mind like phantom limb some days, but is no matter, if you leg is no there, it no there, even if it itches, and if you snake got no head and is kill and drown, then is no point to muse about it. I know is big concept for little cow, but I feeling like is time to go big or go, well, back to the Safeways for another bottle of Malbec.
*No snakes was harm during this posting.
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