Diary of a Mad Cow
Woe is Moo.
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2013
Posts: 2,746
I has only have time to read little bit of link to "Hyperbole" but is outstanding. The depiction of anhedonia and hasing to fake interaction and expression so as no to alienate everyone is total spot on and heartbreaking. Is make me cry. But author is obvious also a person who can observe self with sense of humor still. Thanks to Soberhawk for post link. I can no wait to read more.
Of course I total relate. Is so many time I in company of others and OH NO! I hear words that make me cringe and realize I has been outted as non-feeling ghost I am: "You're awfully quiet." "Are you not enjoying this?" "You look so serious." "Don't you find that funny?" "Smile!" "You look bored."
What I gonna say, "No, I not bored, I just empty shell of a being, a dry up husk, total dead inside, and thus I unable to really care about what happening or what you saying and is unable to meet you reasonable expectation for any kind of emotional response, okay? So let get together again soon, yes?!"
Of course I total relate. Is so many time I in company of others and OH NO! I hear words that make me cringe and realize I has been outted as non-feeling ghost I am: "You're awfully quiet." "Are you not enjoying this?" "You look so serious." "Don't you find that funny?" "Smile!" "You look bored."
What I gonna say, "No, I not bored, I just empty shell of a being, a dry up husk, total dead inside, and thus I unable to really care about what happening or what you saying and is unable to meet you reasonable expectation for any kind of emotional response, okay? So let get together again soon, yes?!"
Woe is Moo.
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2013
Posts: 2,746
OMG! Professional help?! I never think of this ...cuz I a single cell amoebae with no brain stem!
I just jerking you D!
But of course, I has seek many many therapies for 20+ years, traditional and some way the f*ck out there alternative stuff. I discuss it in first post of this thread. To date, I not get anywhere but gradual worse over years. Meth OD did some intense damages to my already alcohol soaked, drug using, PTSD brain. Still, I never gonna know if maybe is little squiggle of something still alive under all this debris unless I stop drowning it, yes?
I just jerking you D!
But of course, I has seek many many therapies for 20+ years, traditional and some way the f*ck out there alternative stuff. I discuss it in first post of this thread. To date, I not get anywhere but gradual worse over years. Meth OD did some intense damages to my already alcohol soaked, drug using, PTSD brain. Still, I never gonna know if maybe is little squiggle of something still alive under all this debris unless I stop drowning it, yes?
Guest
Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 496
Hello Cow and welcome! I've read your posts, and I must say I honestly don't know what to say 2 you. Seems you are very intelligent, have a great job, but you had an awful childhood and past. I'm so sorry for that. I really am here, just like you are, for the support. And you are struggling, as many of us here are.My story is sad too, since in my teens. Some of my adult life has been a bit better. But once again its getting ugly, very quickly. I know how alone you feel. I feel like that a lot 2, even tho my family and blessings seem like curses most times. I'm glad you are here and reaching out tho. This is an awesome community of people who really do care. And from what you express in your posts, I know you are not 2 far gone, by any means. We are all here in this journey 2gthr, yes? BTW, I love your avatar. Be well. The old saying goes.......its not over until the fat lady sings? Hah hah, or something like that? Whtevr? Hope I got tht one right. God bless.
Guest
Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 496
Just wanted 2 say I hope I didn't upset u by the last post. I read so many, and I thought you said your profession was a comedy writer? Hope I got tht right. I wasn't making fun of your posts, so I just wanted 2 clear tht 1 up. Hope I didn't flub it up. Be well.
God's work in progress
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: Northeast US
Posts: 515
Originally Posted by Cow 
Day -1: Somebody gets me a compass.
Okay, I going in wrong direction. Is amazing how addict can go from total resolve and determinations one day to insouciant and flagrant disregard the next. My anhedonia very severe lately, which make it hard to care about anything, including sobriety or even own life. Not get me wrong, I not believe in god or after life, so I not looking forward to entering big black void of nothingness any time soon, but my attachment to this life can be describe as very ethereal, is like is just a sliver of difference between extistance and non-existence. Still, is tiny hope I maybe feel better some day, so I gonna keep trying. Plus also, infinite black void of death will always be there, right? So is no big hurry.
Lot of people not understand anhedonia. Here is best way I can describe to you: You just can't get it up ...for anything. Maybe there is wonderful dinner invitation, or book to read, or culture event, or friend in town, or even romantic suitor. Mhmm. It sound good. You want so much enjoy these things, but you just can't get it up. And if you accepts these offerings what you will experience is you in you glass cube feeling nothing while you witness how others is having great time! So, if you does venture out, you has to fake it, you has to perform, you has to create a persona, or else you bring everybody else down. This only make you feel more alien and surreal. I has have to create total persona to live and work in this world. And, if I may, my persona is really very well like and successful. But it have nothing to do with me, is like exhausting chainmail I take off after engagement with real world.
Okay, I going in wrong direction. Is amazing how addict can go from total resolve and determinations one day to insouciant and flagrant disregard the next. My anhedonia very severe lately, which make it hard to care about anything, including sobriety or even own life. Not get me wrong, I not believe in god or after life, so I not looking forward to entering big black void of nothingness any time soon, but my attachment to this life can be describe as very ethereal, is like is just a sliver of difference between extistance and non-existence. Still, is tiny hope I maybe feel better some day, so I gonna keep trying. Plus also, infinite black void of death will always be there, right? So is no big hurry.
Lot of people not understand anhedonia. Here is best way I can describe to you: You just can't get it up ...for anything. Maybe there is wonderful dinner invitation, or book to read, or culture event, or friend in town, or even romantic suitor. Mhmm. It sound good. You want so much enjoy these things, but you just can't get it up. And if you accepts these offerings what you will experience is you in you glass cube feeling nothing while you witness how others is having great time! So, if you does venture out, you has to fake it, you has to perform, you has to create a persona, or else you bring everybody else down. This only make you feel more alien and surreal. I has have to create total persona to live and work in this world. And, if I may, my persona is really very well like and successful. But it have nothing to do with me, is like exhausting chainmail I take off after engagement with real world.
I was exactly the way you describe yourself in December, 2011, as an active drinker. I was completely detached...as if I was watching the world go by from afar. It was surreal. And I get what you mean when you say it is "work" to put on that outer persona just to interact with others.
Fast forward to now...almost 20 months sober...
I am proud to show the real me to the world! It is no longer difficult and stressful, it is quite comfortable. I am free.
My addiction kept me enslaved to the depression and anxiety. A vicious cycle. Round and round I went. Depressed and anxious, sought relief in the bottle, only to have it refuel the depression and anxiety. Rinse and repeat.
Many of us were exactly where you are now. You CAN stop the cycle. It's simple but not easy. But I promise you this...it is SO WORTH IT!!!!!
Please get the support you need and lean on us here at SR. You can do this!
Woe is Moo.
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2013
Posts: 2,746
Day 2: Twice As Sober As Yesterday!
Not wholly successful, because I does have some caffeine, but give a cow a break, I not drink so I counting it! I up late last night cuz I drive down old dirt road and sit in lawn chair late in night to watch meteor shower. Sky was on fire, but quickly come over me experience of being alone, in forest, in pitch black, not soul in the world thinking about me or know where I am, and nature, she certainly not care if I lives or die. Aloneness and vulnerability under this massive gorgeous sparkle sky become kind of crushing. Then I think, well, this how it always is really, no matter where you are or what you doing, is just so happen you sitting in a GIANT METAPHOR of it right now! So I could no connect to setting in serene or appreciative way, but I glad I make myself go.
Today I go on dirtbike ride, but was also not able to enjoy scenery or riding. Was like zombie on wheels. Sometime I can engage more on the bike, because you really has to focus on what you doing or you maybe careen off side of mountain and die. But I does smile once today! I found tiny baby horny toad in forest. I scoops him into my hand and gently pet him. (In actuality, I gently scare crap out of him and he pee on me, because little wild creatures no like it when you picks them up, ChuckleHead!) But I could no resist, I just want to pet him, so then I open my hand so he can scamper away, but instead he swivel his head and look right into my face with one of his eye. Was like he going, “Jesus! What fresh hell is this?!” So I pet him again. And he look at me again, this time I think with more curiosity. So I just has to give him a smile. Then he get all sleepy and nod off. I take this as huge compliment, but also I like, dude, I has to get going. I give him little nudge and he saunter off. I name him Buddy and he now my friend, although we probable never see each other again.
PS. Dear Raja, hush now, is really no possible you offend me. Everybody here has only ever been wonderful and encouraging to me, and I has appreciate every comment.
Not wholly successful, because I does have some caffeine, but give a cow a break, I not drink so I counting it! I up late last night cuz I drive down old dirt road and sit in lawn chair late in night to watch meteor shower. Sky was on fire, but quickly come over me experience of being alone, in forest, in pitch black, not soul in the world thinking about me or know where I am, and nature, she certainly not care if I lives or die. Aloneness and vulnerability under this massive gorgeous sparkle sky become kind of crushing. Then I think, well, this how it always is really, no matter where you are or what you doing, is just so happen you sitting in a GIANT METAPHOR of it right now! So I could no connect to setting in serene or appreciative way, but I glad I make myself go.
Today I go on dirtbike ride, but was also not able to enjoy scenery or riding. Was like zombie on wheels. Sometime I can engage more on the bike, because you really has to focus on what you doing or you maybe careen off side of mountain and die. But I does smile once today! I found tiny baby horny toad in forest. I scoops him into my hand and gently pet him. (In actuality, I gently scare crap out of him and he pee on me, because little wild creatures no like it when you picks them up, ChuckleHead!) But I could no resist, I just want to pet him, so then I open my hand so he can scamper away, but instead he swivel his head and look right into my face with one of his eye. Was like he going, “Jesus! What fresh hell is this?!” So I pet him again. And he look at me again, this time I think with more curiosity. So I just has to give him a smile. Then he get all sleepy and nod off. I take this as huge compliment, but also I like, dude, I has to get going. I give him little nudge and he saunter off. I name him Buddy and he now my friend, although we probable never see each other again.
PS. Dear Raja, hush now, is really no possible you offend me. Everybody here has only ever been wonderful and encouraging to me, and I has appreciate every comment.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,439
I don't want to mess up the prose of the Giant Metaphors too much but there's at least several hundred folks here thinking about you and who care if you live or die Cow.
You're connected now
glad to hear of your day out'n'about - grats on day 2
D
You're connected now
glad to hear of your day out'n'about - grats on day 2
D
Woe is Moo.
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2013
Posts: 2,746
I gladly trade all my fancy melancholic metaphors for one moment of true happiness, D.
Also, In fairness to Horny Toad, I must explain that they is no frogs nor toads. They is, in fact, teeny tiny dinosaurs.
Also, In fairness to Horny Toad, I must explain that they is no frogs nor toads. They is, in fact, teeny tiny dinosaurs.
Member
Join Date: May 2007
Location: Sweden
Posts: 1,649
Welcome cow, one thing that a lot of us didn't realize when we started out was that it was alcohol itself that was depressing us. I used to think the issues were separate. I used to think: "I am an alcoholic", and "I am depressed". But, awareness of the disease had me modifying that remark to: "Alcohol is the direct cause of my depression".
I would highly recommend finding a program of some kind. Where you are, (California?) there is a huge AA network. they have large meetings where you can blend in and be truly anonymous. If AA does not sound like your thing, there are things like rational recovery, etc.
Whatever you might consider, do consider it. Having a program brings recovery to a whole new level: new ideas, new information, people to talk to, knowledge and you can tap into others experiences.
You are not alone here. The wine for breakfast? Been there. Drunk eating, been there. Isolating, check. And, as a last note, I have seen recovery programs help people address their secondary issues, and begin to treat them for the first time.
I would highly recommend finding a program of some kind. Where you are, (California?) there is a huge AA network. they have large meetings where you can blend in and be truly anonymous. If AA does not sound like your thing, there are things like rational recovery, etc.
Whatever you might consider, do consider it. Having a program brings recovery to a whole new level: new ideas, new information, people to talk to, knowledge and you can tap into others experiences.
You are not alone here. The wine for breakfast? Been there. Drunk eating, been there. Isolating, check. And, as a last note, I have seen recovery programs help people address their secondary issues, and begin to treat them for the first time.
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