Dee74

Maybe you need to think about what you can add to what you've been doing Cow? Would more support help?

D

wiscsober

coww

Cow

I not really sure what gonna take my brain off the hamster wheel. It seem like I has try everything and then 100 thing on top of that. Then sometime I think, no, you not really trying that hard. Ultimately, no matter what I does, it gonna come down to finding some force of wills inside of me to override my own brain when it acting like a big fat compulsive nutjob. I was doing math and I probable 'try' to quit about 6,000 time. My brother always say, well, maybe 6,001 will be the time.

aussieblue

Keep trying Cow ,I do even though I am not there yet, but I do want out.

Hevyn

Cow, I tried to quit about 1000 times over a 20 year period - and the 1001st time WAS the end for me. I like the way your brother thinks.

alphaomega

Cow - I've been thinking about how you living anhedonic, is exactly where 99.9% of alcoholics are trying to get to when they use - feeling nothing.

But you use to actually feel something. Anything. Correct ?

And that just blows my mind.

I'm GAD, agorophobic. I feel EVERYTHING. Even the buzz from fluorescent lights and alarm systems make me loco. And don't even get me started on smells, crowds, whatever. It's like I'm a huge dumping/clearing house for any things emotional or electrical.

Try leaving the house with those parameters.

Be well sister. You got this.

Cow

Day -1: Somebody gets me a compass.

Okay, I going in wrong direction. Is amazing how addict can go from total resolve and determinations one day to insouciant and flagrant disregard the next. My anhedonia very severe lately, which make it hard to care about anything, including sobriety or even own life. Not get me wrong, I not believe in god or after life, so I not looking forward to entering big black void of nothingness any time soon, but my attachment to this life can be describe as very ethereal, is like is just a sliver of difference between extistance and non-existence. Still, is tiny hope I maybe feel better some day, so I gonna keep trying. Plus also, infinite black void of death will always be there, right? So is no big hurry.

Lot of people not understand anhedonia. Here is best way I can describe to you: You just can't get it up ...for anything. Maybe there is wonderful dinner invitation, or book to read, or culture event, or friend in town, or even romantic suitor. Mhmm. It sound good. You want so much enjoy these things, but you just can't get it up. And if you accepts these offerings what you will experience is you in you glass cube feeling nothing while you witness how others is having great time! So, if you does venture out, you has to fake it, you has to perform, you has to create a persona, or else you bring everybody else down. This only make you feel more alien and surreal. I has have to create total persona to live and work in this world. And, if I may, my persona is really very well like and successful. But it have nothing to do with me, is like exhausting chainmail I take off after engagement with real world.

Mizzuno

Hi Cow. I am just catching up with your post. Thank you for sharing with us. Keep pushing forward Cow. All we can work with is today. Have you looked into any face to fave support?

Hevyn

Cow, thank you for explaining about Anhedonia. I think I understand it now - & I can relate in some ways. There must be a way for you to enjoy your life and feel part of things. I hope you never give up trying. I'm glad you're talking to us about your feelings & frustrations.

Cow

Day 0, Episode 4: Out and Proud

Well I not sober today, was kind of ‘mercy’ drinking though, wherein you not really want it you just does it to take edge off how crappy you feel from day before. Yesterday I crazy again. I not bore you with detail of the crazy, cuz I has already done that in other posts. Let just say heavy drinking, shoplifting, junk food bingeing, vomiting and lying was involve. In other words, just another day at office.

I reading some threads. For lot of people, alcoholism is still secret. I not secret anymore. Maybe 10-15 year ago I come out! Out and proud! Hey, I an alcoholic! For decades! Is bad! I gonna die!

And then …nothing really happen. For some reason I think this pronouncement was gonna blow roof right off my little problem. KaPow! Secret is out! It over! But was not really much reaction. My family too dysfunctional to address problem in meaningful way. And because I had maintain a functional persona most of my friends was, like, meh, or even actual try to disagree with me! Was very anti-climactic. I guess I hoping would be like episode of Intervention and everybody rally around me and I all sober at the end.

I admit, I still pissed off that nobody intervenes me when I was little kid with eating disorder and alcoholism. Was very obvious. I wonder what would be like if adult had step in. Yes, I know, boo moo moo. I could cry me a river, but I can no drown in it, because now it up to me now to save myself. Okay, so better start swimming, yes?

LadyinBC

At some point I had to want to get off the merry go around. The ride ended when I said it ended. It took me a lot of rides to get to that point however. There is hope and you are worth saving.

Dee74

I wanted the Brady Bunch to all gather around me too Cow - or the Ingalls - heck I would have settled for the Clampetts...

didn't happen.

I had to get myself out of the hole I'd dug.

Didn't mean I had to do it all myself tho - there's a lot of support around?

D

Michelangelo

There is a tide in the affairs of men
which, taken at the flood, leads on to fortune;
Omitted, all the voyage of their life
is bound in shallows and in miseries.
On such a full sea are we now afloat.
W. Shakespeare, Julius Caesar

Cow

Ooh, you guys is hitting me with some good stuff tonight. Awesome quotes, bit of the tough love, and Clampetts! Ha ha moo ha! Right on! Bring it! Let me has it! Very much thank you all. I is inspire. And I gonna come back here tomorrow and declare to you that I does better than I do today.*

*Certain restrictions apply. Not valid in all 50 states. Declaration subject to change without notice.

ChefUK

Cow, how close are you to that friend that saw you go get "coffee"? Do you think it would be easier if nobody knew about your addictions again?

Hevyn

Thinking of you Cow - hoping it was a better day for you.

Cow

Day 1: Deja Moo

Another Day 1 of sobriety since join this forum. Hope I not have any more Day 1s. Had thousands of these already. Yawn. Is pretty bad when you become so tedious you bore you own self. Time to move this story along, yes?

Today I drive up to family summer cabin for week. Always feel much better at cabin. I can ride dirtbike and take walk in woods every day. Is energy, clear air, adorable critters, this all serve to lift my anhedonia just a sliver. So that if deers leap out in front of my motorbike, I maybe find myself smile at them.

I think would be so much better to get out of city, but not possible for work and plus is very expensive to make life in cozy bucolic town –cuz all the rich peoples has taken them over and make them into expensive elitist rich people towns! Tonight I gonna drive out to middle of woods and look at meteor shower. Maybe falling stars make me smile too. Although they not actual stars, they frozen dirt clods breaking off comets and burning up. But hey, anhedonic can no be choosy, right?

Grungehead

It's not the dirt clods burning up so much as the journey they have taken to reach their final destination.

soberhawk

I like your writing cow.

I come agross this blog once, I do not whether that will be of any help to you.

Maybe you can relate a little and have a smile.

Hyperbole and a Half: Depression Part Two

Take care.

cascademn

Thank you for posting again, Cow. As you can see many of us look forward to your posts. I keep hope that within your narrative you find a way to reach for sobriety and continue to tell your story. You have far too much talent to have it blunted by alcohol.

Take Care,
Cas