In AA but don't want to do "The Steps" anymore
Guest
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Canada
Posts: 4,580
Originally Posted by DesperadoBlond 
Hi nuudawn!
Thanks for replying to my post!
It's great to hear so many different takes on sobriety. I actually feel a little better now. I was actually really down in the dumps for like a week after my last conversation with my sponsor. He just seemed so ... "angry" (for the lack of a better word) that I wasn't doing step work. He said that no matter what happened, even if I ran out of money and had to quit my apartment, step work should come first. And stepwork is all he wants to discuss. Otherwise we have nothing to talk about + loooooooong cold shoulder silence.
I was like: Hello? Are you there or did you hang up?
Perhaps I am not spiritually enlightened enough (or detached enough from my worldly goods?), but finding a job urgently has taken all my energy (and I did find one by the way!).
So thanks for reminding me: take what you want and leave the rest.
Thanks for replying to my post!
It's great to hear so many different takes on sobriety. I actually feel a little better now. I was actually really down in the dumps for like a week after my last conversation with my sponsor. He just seemed so ... "angry" (for the lack of a better word) that I wasn't doing step work. He said that no matter what happened, even if I ran out of money and had to quit my apartment, step work should come first. And stepwork is all he wants to discuss. Otherwise we have nothing to talk about + loooooooong cold shoulder silence.
I was like: Hello? Are you there or did you hang up?
Perhaps I am not spiritually enlightened enough (or detached enough from my worldly goods?), but finding a job urgently has taken all my energy (and I did find one by the way!).
So thanks for reminding me: take what you want and leave the rest.
Grateful
Join Date: May 2013
Location: NC
Posts: 1,763
I don't know if I would call it a race, but I don't know when I might take my next drink and I don't want to find out. I took the steps in 3 months, and I can't fathom being on step 4 for 6 months. If I happened to be sober at the end of those 6 months I would be stark raving sober walking around for that long after stirring up 140 resentments in my head without doing the rest of the steps.
The big book gives very clear directions on when to do the next step. Obviously I think you can tell that I am of the opinion that the steps should be worked without delay, especially if newly sober and it's your first time through them. Either you are "ready to take certain steps" or you're not. If you have vowed to never take step 9 then I would say you definitely haven't completed step 3. If you haven't done a proper step 3 then you may want to look at step 1 and 2.
The steps are really a simple process. It's us alcoholics that make it complicated. Notice I didn't say an easy process, but very simple if you just follow the directions in the BB. The steps are a lifetime process. If you want to go through them in-depth you can always do them again. But the first time through them I suggest just doing each step to the best of your ability (at the time) and then do the next one immediately, not next month.
I can only tell you what has worked for me, and the process I suggest above worked for me. I have tried going through them slowly and I ran into the same problem DB. I eventually gave up on them and just did the "don't drink and go to meetings" method. That worked for awhile but I eventually stopped doing the "go to meetings" parts and I eventually drank again.
The big book gives very clear directions on when to do the next step. Obviously I think you can tell that I am of the opinion that the steps should be worked without delay, especially if newly sober and it's your first time through them. Either you are "ready to take certain steps" or you're not. If you have vowed to never take step 9 then I would say you definitely haven't completed step 3. If you haven't done a proper step 3 then you may want to look at step 1 and 2.
The steps are really a simple process. It's us alcoholics that make it complicated. Notice I didn't say an easy process, but very simple if you just follow the directions in the BB. The steps are a lifetime process. If you want to go through them in-depth you can always do them again. But the first time through them I suggest just doing each step to the best of your ability (at the time) and then do the next one immediately, not next month.
I can only tell you what has worked for me, and the process I suggest above worked for me. I have tried going through them slowly and I ran into the same problem DB. I eventually gave up on them and just did the "don't drink and go to meetings" method. That worked for awhile but I eventually stopped doing the "go to meetings" parts and I eventually drank again.
No half measures
Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: State of Confusion
Posts: 424
I do beieve if you dont do the steps the likelihood of you drinking significantly increases but I would not rush through them either. I was a hard core alky and meetings were enough for me for the 1st year. I do not think I could have worked the steps earlier and done a good job but everyone is different.
Grateful
Join Date: May 2013
Location: NC
Posts: 1,763
I have to point out that a) this wasn't my first time in AA so I was already familiar with the steps, and b) I was EXTREMELY desperate when I got sober and came back to AA this time. I agree with others that if AA is not working for you there are other ways to quit drinking. If the fellowship of AA is working for you and you are not ready to do the steps right now then I don't think forcing it will do you any good. I'm just sharing what works for me now and what didn't work for me in the past.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: Baton Rouge, La.
Posts: 15,238
Working the steps to me is really living them.
As a child brought up Catholic and the Catholic
teachings, we were taught at an early age about
the 10 commandments. To the best of my ability
today, I try to live up to those commandments
incorporating them or living them in my everyday
life.
Thy Shall not steal. They Shall not kill. Thy shall
not commit adultery.....and so on. If you are familiar
with them.
For me, I look at the steps as being similar in many
ways as to the commandments. Both are guidelines to
live by each and everyday we are alive.
These guidelines have made me into the person
I am today. The best person I can be not only
for myself but to others. Im not perfect in following
them to a tee, but I do try to make a conscience
effort in my heart, mind and soul to practice those
principles of life in all my affairs.
They keep me honest and humble.
As a child brought up Catholic and the Catholic
teachings, we were taught at an early age about
the 10 commandments. To the best of my ability
today, I try to live up to those commandments
incorporating them or living them in my everyday
life.
Thy Shall not steal. They Shall not kill. Thy shall
not commit adultery.....and so on. If you are familiar
with them.
For me, I look at the steps as being similar in many
ways as to the commandments. Both are guidelines to
live by each and everyday we are alive.
These guidelines have made me into the person
I am today. The best person I can be not only
for myself but to others. Im not perfect in following
them to a tee, but I do try to make a conscience
effort in my heart, mind and soul to practice those
principles of life in all my affairs.
They keep me honest and humble.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
first off, congrats on the 9 months! no matter HOW we get there, it's a thing of beauty WHEN we get there, sober.
you aren't the first person to resist doing the steps. i appreciate your honesty. couple thoughts i had...what if you just don't WORRY about the 9th step RIGHT NOW? cross that bridge when you come to it and all that. what concerns me is the undone 4th step....i'd suggest going with what you HAVE now....it's not supposed to go on forever...and it's not supposed to be perfect, it's the best you have NOW. IMHO i think it would be far more beneficial to YOU to move forward with the inventories you HAVE, do your 5th and get all that crap OUT of you...lighten your load, give yourself some measure of peace of mind.
the you can look at steps 6 and 7...you mentioned you felt you did a rather hasty 3rd....your vision and relationship with the Higher Power of YOUR understanding may need some more thought and attention. nobody says you can't loop back around. or just take time and decide what all that means.
some sponsors are pretty rigorous...we tend to pass on what we were taught. maybe that is not what you need right now.....that's ok. if any of the above sounds in the least bit reasonable, maybe your sponsor can at least get you thru the 5th step and then you guys can decide from there.
wishing you the best!!!
you aren't the first person to resist doing the steps. i appreciate your honesty. couple thoughts i had...what if you just don't WORRY about the 9th step RIGHT NOW? cross that bridge when you come to it and all that. what concerns me is the undone 4th step....i'd suggest going with what you HAVE now....it's not supposed to go on forever...and it's not supposed to be perfect, it's the best you have NOW. IMHO i think it would be far more beneficial to YOU to move forward with the inventories you HAVE, do your 5th and get all that crap OUT of you...lighten your load, give yourself some measure of peace of mind.
the you can look at steps 6 and 7...you mentioned you felt you did a rather hasty 3rd....your vision and relationship with the Higher Power of YOUR understanding may need some more thought and attention. nobody says you can't loop back around. or just take time and decide what all that means.
some sponsors are pretty rigorous...we tend to pass on what we were taught. maybe that is not what you need right now.....that's ok. if any of the above sounds in the least bit reasonable, maybe your sponsor can at least get you thru the 5th step and then you guys can decide from there.
wishing you the best!!!
Behold the power of NO
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: WA
Posts: 7,764
Congratulations on 9 months
The AA program is the steps. Going to meetings is fellowshiping.
Like others mentioned, there are different ways to stay sober
My personal experience is that I have always benefited from step 4.
It allows me to look at the patterns in my relationships and see where I sometimes self sabotage and where I get entangled in dysfunctional relationships so I do not have to repeat the same mistakes over and over again and I can move forward.
The AA program is the steps. Going to meetings is fellowshiping.
Like others mentioned, there are different ways to stay sober
My personal experience is that I have always benefited from step 4.
It allows me to look at the patterns in my relationships and see where I sometimes self sabotage and where I get entangled in dysfunctional relationships so I do not have to repeat the same mistakes over and over again and I can move forward.
Guest
Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: Somewhere in Wisconsin
Posts: 661
I am about to attend my 3rd AA meeting since I quit drinking 12 days ago. I do not have a sponsor yet. I never heard that the program was on a timetable. I plan on working the steps at my own pace. If I don't get to step 4 until a year from now, so be it. I just know I have to be ready to work the next step and I won't let anyone dictate to me what I should or shouldn't do or try to rush me.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: Woodstock,New York
Posts: 140
Maybe you can just take a time out from working the steps ,I have an aa chip on my shoulders feeling like is this all ther is to recover? There's a lot of good ,valuable information,sites like this and others. I'm actually starting my step work today with a temporary sponser,I'm giving it a shot,I figure it can only help. I've hurt many people and done many things I'm ashamed of and need to make amends .i think it'll clear my heart and my head but like I said,maybe just take a break. I get what your saying about having so many people to make amends too,it's frightening. Give your self a break and keep up with your meetings and do what feels right to you.just know your not alone,I wrestle with the whole aa thing,sometimes I feel like I'm going to turn into a pod person ,it all sounds the same but there's got to be something to it,it's worked for a lot of people..just something to think about.best of luck to you,keep your head up...
Grateful
Join Date: May 2013
Location: NC
Posts: 1,763
Anvilhead makes some good points. After doing the 3rd step with my sponsor I started saying the 3rd step prayer (declaration really) on my knees every day, even though I didn't feel like I meant it every day. I did my 4th step and put down everything I could remember (which was about half of what you have). Then I did the 5th step immediately and I began to understand what people in AA were talking about. With each step I became more willing to do the next one because I could see the results of the previous one. I found that by the time I finished the steps that my HP had restored me to sanity and had taken my life under his care (steps 2 and 3). Self will is something I am working on daily and probably will be for the rest of my life.
I have to admit that I had always been pretty skeptical about the steps. But like I said before I was desperate and close to ending my own life when I came back this time so I was willing to give them a try. For me I had to jump right into them and keep moving before I started feeling too much better, as feeling like crap kept me willing and motivated.
They worked, what can I say? I'm not a religious guy, haven't been to church since I was a kid. I did all of them in order and step 9 is a work in progress. I have done some of the "easy" amends already and I'm asking my HP for the willingness to do the ones I don't want to do. I am practicing steps 10, 11, 12 every day. And it is practice. I'm new to this way of life, and like anyone that is new at something my goal is to get better at it. Being willing to practice this way of life is the key to me, trying a different way to stay sober when my old ways kept failing.
Yours truely, a BB thumper in training. Actually kidding, just someone the steps have helped and want to pass it on. That is what step 12 is all about.
I have to admit that I had always been pretty skeptical about the steps. But like I said before I was desperate and close to ending my own life when I came back this time so I was willing to give them a try. For me I had to jump right into them and keep moving before I started feeling too much better, as feeling like crap kept me willing and motivated.
They worked, what can I say? I'm not a religious guy, haven't been to church since I was a kid. I did all of them in order and step 9 is a work in progress. I have done some of the "easy" amends already and I'm asking my HP for the willingness to do the ones I don't want to do. I am practicing steps 10, 11, 12 every day. And it is practice. I'm new to this way of life, and like anyone that is new at something my goal is to get better at it. Being willing to practice this way of life is the key to me, trying a different way to stay sober when my old ways kept failing.Yours truely, a BB thumper in training
. Actually kidding, just someone the steps have helped and want to pass it on. That is what step 12 is all about.
Life Health Prosperity
Join Date: Sep 2011
Location: Louisana
Posts: 6,752
DesperadoBlond, please always remember when you are in an AA meeting you are still in a room full of drunks. In AA millions have arrested their addiction to alcohol and hundreds of millions that have went to AA failed in the program. I go to AA for the fellowship and am actually moving away from it completely, because I'm about to clash with some of the old timers over several issues in my home group, and from the meetings I've been to outside of my home group I'm hearing and seeing the same thing wrong. Please never let a person tell you that if you don't work the steps you'll go back out and use. Now as far as your sponsor abandoning you, it ain't the first time that a AA sponsor has abandoned a sponsee and it won't be the last time. I know a man who abandoned his wife and kids for AA, and he's the drunk, not them. DeperadoBlone, you'll stay sober if you want to that's the bottom line. Rootin for ya. 
Guest
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: The Deep South
Posts: 14,636
Originally Posted by DesperadoBlond
And, unfortunately, I do puke a little in my mouth when I hear people who are 16-17 years sober, who are sobbing in meetings about amends they recently made.
Sitting in rooms with the blinds down, sobbing about my drinking past, 15 years into sobriety, is not what I want for myself.
Sitting in rooms with the blinds down, sobbing about my drinking past, 15 years into sobriety, is not what I want for myself.
Since then, I've gone back to WFS, and now I do individual therapy, read lots of books on my own, and SR.
I've considered trying out an all women's AA group, but I'm not getting my hopes up about it yet. It was suggested to me to try several different groups out before I decide it's not for me. I'm somewhat skeptical at this point, given what I've seen so far of the program and the clubhouse I was attending
Member
Join Date: May 2013
Location: Northern California
Posts: 563
Originally Posted by wpainterw
AA is only one of the possible paths up the mountain of sobriety. I happened to find a particularly congenial agnostics meeting, although I am not a card carrying agnostic or atheist and have sudden lapses into spirituality and occasional seizures of Buddhism. I had a dog as a sponsor- well maybe a furry higher power. Our group had very few episodes of theatrical humility and self abasement and made up for it by light hearted humor. There was relatively little bragging about doing the steps. It was all very laid back and most of the group seemed to achieve sobriety, which, after all, is the primary,perhaps the only, objective. More conventional AA groups may have disapproved of us, viewing us as a sort of an AA motorcycle gang. But we never wore black leather jackets or sported AA tattoos. Occasionally a fanatic Big Booker from some conventional meeting would appear and we'd get cussed out and told we would never be sober and we usually would say "Keep coming back" (but in a way that sort of had a question mark after it). I've not had a drink for 25 years and several in the group have 35 years or so. What have we done wrong? Maybe it's too late to change now and go back to Step One!
Now all you out there. Say together "KEEP COMING BACK??????"
W.
Now all you out there. Say together "KEEP COMING BACK??????"
W.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 11,481
Desperado, I'm from the "alanonic" side of the table so can't directly address what you're dealing with, but if I may, I have 2 things that you might find of use:
1. I attend a Buddhist 12-step book study group, currently reading "One Breath at a Time" by Kevin Griffin. This is a great group, wonder if you could find something similar near you and incorporate it as one of your weekly meetings? The different focus might be enough to help tide you over.
2. I'm also reading "Waiting: A Nonbeliever's Higher Power" by Marya Hornbacher. I know you're not specifically struggling w/the HP thing, but she also addresses the steps in this book in a way that I'm finding helpful.
Best wishes finding your way.
1. I attend a Buddhist 12-step book study group, currently reading "One Breath at a Time" by Kevin Griffin. This is a great group, wonder if you could find something similar near you and incorporate it as one of your weekly meetings? The different focus might be enough to help tide you over.
2. I'm also reading "Waiting: A Nonbeliever's Higher Power" by Marya Hornbacher. I know you're not specifically struggling w/the HP thing, but she also addresses the steps in this book in a way that I'm finding helpful.
Best wishes finding your way.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2008
Posts: 521
AA is only a list of suggestions. It even says so in the big book. With that being said I think people can have success at not drinking, and if this your goal, then meetings might be enough for you. For me the steps were a way for me to get and stay honest with myself and you may already be doing that. If so good for you!
It is all about taking what you need to stay sober today and helping someone else that might need it.
Good luck!
It is all about taking what you need to stay sober today and helping someone else that might need it.
Good luck!
Member
Join Date: Aug 2013
Posts: 66
Originally Posted by DesperadoBlond
A fellow long time AA told me recently: this program is for those who really want it.
I have to confess: I don't REALLY want it.
I have to confess: I don't REALLY want it.
Nothing could have changed my mind though. I just wasn't ready. Really didn't want sobriety... Took it for granted. Took a "RESET" hit. Man did Parasite love me after that!
8 days back, and I'm not rushing. As much as it was other people's warnings that pissed me off, now I see that was a part of myself. Arrogance. Not doing it their way. There was nothing I could have done about it, either, at that point where I had psychologically and emotionally brought myself.
Warnings are dangerous for us! We want to prove ourselves. "Don't open Pandora's Box! It took so much effort to shut!" What do we do? Smash it open with a hammer. Someone warns me, I have a new resentment. An excuse to feed the Parasite. This was my Parasite once I got triggered:
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Posts: 1,634
Hi desperado -
Congrats on 9 months.
I'm not in AA - but 160 of anything would slow things down to start to affect motivation taken as one chunk. maybe do a smaller batch - enough for you and your sponsor to feel like you'll get the most value out of the step. Steps might not be the issue - just how the workload is divided up.
Would hate to see you give up something that has been working - particularly as it seems like the step itself isn't the core issue.
Congrats on 9 months.
I'm not in AA - but 160 of anything would slow things down to start to affect motivation taken as one chunk. maybe do a smaller batch - enough for you and your sponsor to feel like you'll get the most value out of the step. Steps might not be the issue - just how the workload is divided up.
Would hate to see you give up something that has been working - particularly as it seems like the step itself isn't the core issue.
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