URGENT advice needed please!
 

I'll start with telling you that my 43 year old son is my urgent concern. He is an alcoholic and has been in re-hab 2x in the past.
He has been divorced 10 years and has no current female interest. He just recently came to live with my husband and myself after being laid off from his job out of state. When he got here, he was limping so badly and in pain, I insisted he see a doctor. He needs hip replacement surgery asap, but must see a heart doctor next week because he has an irregular heartbeat and cannot get cleared for surgery. His 43rd birthday is today (6th). Not a very good present! I found him with a bottle tonight that he bought when he went to the doctor today! He knows the rules. No drinking or out he goes. That was set before all the medical problems came to light. I am all he has. My husband is asleep so I haven't told him yet. What can I do now? How do I handle this? I am retired and my husband is between jobs right now too. My son his insurance to COBRA coverage, so that isn't an issue. Any input will be appreciated. Neither my husband or myself drink. :a108:

What do you want to know in particular

Hi SuzieB

I have no experience to share in this - except from the other side - as long as people let me walk all over them and their rules, I did.

I can't tell you what to do....but I do think it's important to have strong boundaries, to stick to them, to make it clear to your 43 yo son that decisions have consequences.

Boundaries are for his benefit as much as yours and vice versa.

Maybe others here can help you work out what is best in this case.
I encourage you to also check out our Family and Friends forum too :)

Friends and Family of Alcoholics - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information

D

Thank you Dee74. I did set boundaries and he broke them. If he wasn't so sick right now I would have packed his bags myself, but I'm over a barrell I guess and he knows it. I just don't know what to do and thought maybe someone might be able to give input. I'm sure even re-hab wouldn't accept him right now in his current medical condition.

Newpower, I'm lost at this point and don't know what in particular I need to know :(

I know for a fact there's a lot of people here with experience and wisdom in your kind of situation Suzie - you'll hear from them here and in the FF forum :)

D

He will eventually have a heart attack or stroke if he does not stop. Atrial Fibrillation increases the chances dramatically.

That's where he's headed, Sorensen. They had to cancel the hip surgery until the heart doc will clear him. Guess I am in a box right now. Can't kick him to the street. Took both sets of his keys and hid ours too. Guess my only option at this point is I have to be his jailer right now :( I am retired, so I can escort him where he needs to go.

Have you looked at going to alanon for yourself. That would be a great start.

Unfortunately relapse is part of recovery.dont give up on him just yet. Rather, I would tell him he needs to play a more active role in recovery or he's out of the house. Tell him he needs to start going to regular aa or na meetings. Tell him to ask for the sheet that they sign at the end of each meeting proving that they went. After each meeting tell ask him what he got out of that meeting. This will serve several purposes. Firsttly it'll tell you if he's going to the meetings and being active in them. Secondly, talking to someone who cares is very important to someone in recovery. Hope this helps.

If he is anything like me he will drink regardless of the consequences until he's ready to change. You need to look after yourself first.

Yes, Newpower, I looked up the meetings in my area. There is one Friday night I plan on attending.
And Rabbit, he has attended meetings, but I will have to take him from now on. I can't trust him now. I can wait in the car.

You can wait in the car, but if he is comfortable with it it would be beneficial to go into the meeting with him and just listen. It may give you a better picture of what he's going through. But ultimately what you need to figure out is does he really WANT to quit.

If he didn't have the health 'issues' right now he would already be out. I think he used my being his Mother in order to relapse. He's 43 and has no other family to turn to. Or friends for that matter :(

I believe he wants to quit. He was in tears tonight when we talked. I finally told him we would talk in the morning, (today). He has been in residential treatment 2x and did well after each time for several years.... then bam.... it hits again!

Sounds right.

I only got sober when I had nothing left to lose and nowhere else to go.

I think he would let me go inside with him. At least I think he would.

He has gotten sober before, and stayed sober. I don't want to give him any excuses (am I?).... but 43, hip replacement surgery, probably from alcoholism and he knows that, on blood pressure meds, anti-depressant and now pain meds, heart issues canceling surgery until they find out why and his birthday is today.... and I'm sure that is weighing heavily. I see lots of stress in what's ahead. I probably should have taken him to the doctor so he couldn't stop to buy it?

Hip replacement is no excuse but it sounds like it is what caused his relapse. As you know life is going to throw you very tough challenges no matter what. That is no excuse go go back to using. You have to learn how to live life on life's terms and make the right choice when confronted with a challenge. I have a hard time with this. I would not kick him out after just this one incident but let him know you are serious, you love him, but drinking while In your house will not be tolerated.

Does his doctor he is seeing that are prescribing these meds know about his alcoholism? That is very important. It will help the doc help him