LittleNina

I used to be a smart, sharp-witted person. Could always get a laugh out of people. Charming even (sure, I said it! lol). Well, the person typing this is awkward and tongue-tied, unable to look people in the eyes, and withdrawn.

I used to have a husband, a house I worked hard to improve, keep clean, & was proud of, a few close friends, an excellent reputation at work. This new person is divorced, gets funny looks at work (for good reason! lucky they haven't fired me, honestly), rents a semi-crappy house in a shite neighborhood, sits here typing this surrounded by a level of filth and neglected chores that would've been incomprehensible to the old me. Spent the last three years at home alone getting drunk and stoned. All day, every day. Before work, at lunch, and from the time I got home until I passed the F out. Every.friggin.day. Even occasionally when I'd spend time with people and act 'normal'; i.e. have ONE glass of wine with dinner, I'd count the seconds until I could get home & be alone on my couch getting messed up until I nodded out.

I used to have energy! I was organized; I got stuff DONE! I was healthy, I ate food regularly (can't remember at this point, when was the last time I consistently managed ONE MEAL per day; it's not good)......I felt happy sometimes; I was a reasonably confident person! I could concentrate and think clearly! I was capable of feeling relaxed!! I had some self-respect! That's all gone now!!!

What a sad, sad state I've gotten myself into! This really can't go on; I have physical and mental health issues at this stage; nothing too terrible but I certainly don't want to get to that point!

Well, I've tried and failed many times before; I've been absolutely desperate to quit and made it a few days/couple weeks here & there, but could never maintain. In the last couple of years I've tried AA, read a ton of books, tried hypnosis, medication, therapy, acupuncture, reiki... but I just couldn't stay away....
Honestly, I don't think I was ready then. I feel ready now. Less desperate (oddly). Something has shifted perhaps? Today, when I thought about buying a 12-pack and drinking & smoking on the couch watching some utter rubbish on TV without eating dinner or cleaning up or doing ANYTHING ELSE -- which is what I do EVERY day, mind you -- I suddenly realized how ridiculous that seems and why the hell would anyone want to do that?? I actually laughed.

So, I'm on day 1 - quitting alcohol and weed (gulp!)

I'd say I'm a heavy user of both - at least a 12 pack per day, and over the past 4 weeks I've smoked 2 ounces medical grade (the smoking has gotten out of control; it's like an obsession/compulsion).

I'm starting by cutting down (I've had withdrawals before and would like to avoid/minimize that as much as possible). So far I've had two glasses of wine (restaurant-style; not like I normally pour 'em!) over about 8 hours today and 2 bong hits, which is WAYYYY cutting down for me, and I am definitely feeling it. Been sweating like a MoFo! And very depressed and anxious. Zero appetite.

But, I feel OK. Right now anyway...

And I really really want this. I want a life again.


Please please please let this be the last time.....

ImperfectlyMe

Hey little welcome! You can do this! You have to do this. You don't have to be that person anymore. That charming woman is still there! I'm really rooting for you.

Dee74

welcome LittleNina

I gave up both for good in 2O07 so it's very possible. You'll find a lot of support here

D

rabbit430

I've been through dt's before unmedicated and that's not something to take lightly. At all. I do not want to scare you, but in SEVERE cases alcohol withdrawals can kill you. I strongly urge you commit to at least an out patient rehab where they will give you medication to detox safely sand MUCH more comfortably. If you for whatever reason can't do that then your next best bet is to go to a doctor and tell him exactly what's goo g on. He's not gonna turn you into the police or anything I promise. He will give you medication for withdrawals. And if for whatever reason you can't do that either, then I would definitely wean yourself down before going cold turkey. Look up symptoms of dt's so you know what to look for. Hope this helps.

Notmyrealname

Today just might be the day that you look back on and say, "that was the day when it all turned around." It could be, right? It sounds like you have a little momentum going. Great things come from a little momentum in the right direction!

Good for you, taking that first step.

you get a you rock

LittleNina

Thank you all for your kind words; it really does help. Rabbit, I appreciate that advice and I know you are absolutely correct. I do not intend to play around with life-or-death type symptoms, and will not hesitate to seek medical assistance (I'm a wuss!)

In my past efforts to quit, I think I had unreasonable expectations (i.e. I'm going to be 100% perfect now; any little slip is a COMPLETE FAILURE). And I got so angry with myself over every F*up; that only made things wayyy worse. Quitting is not an easy thing to do when you hate yourself. I’ve realized that. And I think that’s what I really needed to work on – accepting and forgiving myself. Like you said, InperfectlyMe – that ol’ gal is still in there somewhere- right? I hope you’re right!! (I hope you're right too, Notmyrealname!) At the moment, and I am really trying to take that 'one day/hour/minute at a time' approach- I’m trying to focus on the positives; any small achievement. Tonight I walked my dog. I paid some bills. Did a load of laundry – that’s right, I’ll NOT be wearing swimsuit bottoms to work tomorrow!! (honestly I’ve already worn all of them anyway). Washed my face! Thought about exercising (ha, that one didn't really get off the ground…), ANNND, I have even eaten a legitimate PIECE of FOOD! Thank heavens for frozen falafel sandwiches – yummm

Wow; I just referred to those as “achievements”…. yeah… this kind of ridiculous lifestyle can reduce a relatively normal person to a rather pathetic state. I barely recognize myself.

I feel like I’m almost tired enough to fall asleep! But I have a feeling I will pour one more glass; pack one final hit… the ‘habit’ part…so hard to break; you just get re-wired I guess. I truly don’t feel like I “need” any more today, and I’m not enjoying the wine much at all (hence the reason I’m not trying to use beer to taper). And weed- at this point, and at the absurd amounts I smoke, the only way I can even tell I’m “high” is because I feel anxious (a slight exaggeration, but not too far off!). It’s just not working for me anymore, any of it. Earlier I actually visualized drinking a beer and got a quick wave of nausea (yay? lol). Honestly, looking at it rationally, it makes no sense!! I mean, I remember when I used to feel amazing after drinking + smoking the ‘right’ amount… but for a long while now, it really has not been all that enjoyable, and often feels like such a chore-- I’m exhausted!!!! It’s hard to understand why we keep doing these things even after they’ve stopped working for us…

Thank you for letting me vent, and thank you all for your advice and support.