Can you help me understand?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2004
Location: On a steady quest for inner peace...
Posts: 6
Can you help me understand?
Hello, I'm not an addict or an alcoholic but my husband is both. His DOCs are crack cocaine, marijuana, and any type of alcohol.
I've been reading the posts on this site for the last few days. At first, I wasn't sure I wanted to particpate in Nar-Anon or Al-Anon. In fact, the only reason I even inquired is because my husband has been persistent in his desire for me to know more about what he's going through. Simply put, I didn't think I needed this kind of "stuff". After all, I'm not the addict, he is.
After reading and rereading the article by Frank Garrett that Mornining Glory posted some time ago (sorry, the title escapes me), it has become clear to me that I do need this "stuff".
My husband and I have been together almost 15 yrs; married the last 2. He's been a drug addict for almost 13 yrs. He hid it from me extremely well until about 4 1/2 yrs ago. In that time, he's been to detox countless number of times and rehab twice. We've lost everything--the house, the cars, savings, security, credit standing--everything, due to his addictions.
After going on two major binges in less then 7 days, he signed himself into an out-of-state detox/rehab where he's been for the last 2 1/2 wks. This is his third attempt. Which I, of course, am paying for. I've tried really hard not to be an "enabler". At the same time, I've tried to be as supportive as I could without giving in to the constant feelings of guilt that maybe I wasn't doing enough. He and members of both our families have told me often in the last few yrs (once his addictions became known), that I have given him more support and understanding then he has a right too.
I'm not really sure what it is I'm looking for, I just know I need to find an outlet for what I now recognize is years of accumulated bitterness and anger toward the man I have vowed to love for all of my days, my husband. And yes, I love him dearly. But I HATE what he's done to himself! I HATE what he's done to our family. I'm so angry with him that I can't think straight. Our marriage and future together is in limbo because I simply don't know what to do anymore.
Can you help me understand why or what motivates an addict/alcoholic? Can you help me to get things in perspective?
Thanks for "listening". God bless you all.
I've been reading the posts on this site for the last few days. At first, I wasn't sure I wanted to particpate in Nar-Anon or Al-Anon. In fact, the only reason I even inquired is because my husband has been persistent in his desire for me to know more about what he's going through. Simply put, I didn't think I needed this kind of "stuff". After all, I'm not the addict, he is.
After reading and rereading the article by Frank Garrett that Mornining Glory posted some time ago (sorry, the title escapes me), it has become clear to me that I do need this "stuff".
My husband and I have been together almost 15 yrs; married the last 2. He's been a drug addict for almost 13 yrs. He hid it from me extremely well until about 4 1/2 yrs ago. In that time, he's been to detox countless number of times and rehab twice. We've lost everything--the house, the cars, savings, security, credit standing--everything, due to his addictions.
After going on two major binges in less then 7 days, he signed himself into an out-of-state detox/rehab where he's been for the last 2 1/2 wks. This is his third attempt. Which I, of course, am paying for. I've tried really hard not to be an "enabler". At the same time, I've tried to be as supportive as I could without giving in to the constant feelings of guilt that maybe I wasn't doing enough. He and members of both our families have told me often in the last few yrs (once his addictions became known), that I have given him more support and understanding then he has a right too.
I'm not really sure what it is I'm looking for, I just know I need to find an outlet for what I now recognize is years of accumulated bitterness and anger toward the man I have vowed to love for all of my days, my husband. And yes, I love him dearly. But I HATE what he's done to himself! I HATE what he's done to our family. I'm so angry with him that I can't think straight. Our marriage and future together is in limbo because I simply don't know what to do anymore.
Can you help me understand why or what motivates an addict/alcoholic? Can you help me to get things in perspective?
Thanks for "listening". God bless you all.
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,492
Welcome to SR.
You are right, you need support and this is a good place to find it. If you like, you might also check out the AlAnon and NarAnon forums on this board. You'll find lots of people there with situations similar to yours.
Love, Anna
You are right, you need support and this is a good place to find it. If you like, you might also check out the AlAnon and NarAnon forums on this board. You'll find lots of people there with situations similar to yours.
Love, Anna
Member
Join Date: Jan 2003
Posts: 4,955
Hey Kanakili,
Welcome to Sober Recovery. I spent a lot of time thinking it was his problem not mine. It was a rude awakening when I discovered I had my issues to deal with as well. I hope you will join us on the Alanon and Naranon boards. There are a lot of people there you understand what you're going through. G
Gabe
Welcome to Sober Recovery. I spent a lot of time thinking it was his problem not mine. It was a rude awakening when I discovered I had my issues to deal with as well. I hope you will join us on the Alanon and Naranon boards. There are a lot of people there you understand what you're going through. G
Gabe
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2004
Location: On a steady quest for inner peace...
Posts: 6
Anna & Gabe,
Thank you so much for the welcome and support. I actually have looked at the Nar-anon forums. It hurts to see so much pain. My heart goes out to everyone~addicts & their loved ones. I'm not as angry today as I have been for the last few weeks. Reading some of the experiences on this site have helped a lot. I'm cautiously hoping this is a sign of moving forward.
Thank you and God Bless!
Kana
Thank you so much for the welcome and support. I actually have looked at the Nar-anon forums. It hurts to see so much pain. My heart goes out to everyone~addicts & their loved ones. I'm not as angry today as I have been for the last few weeks. Reading some of the experiences on this site have helped a lot. I'm cautiously hoping this is a sign of moving forward.
Thank you and God Bless!
Kana
Member
Join Date: May 2003
Location: Northern CA
Posts: 1,432
Hi, kanakili (lovely name, by the way),
Here's a link that you might find useful.
http://self-renewal.com/alcohol%20addiction.htm
It's one of the resources provided in the 12-Step Alternatives links elsewhere on this forum. I just found it to be a good, easy to read overview of substance abuse.
Personally, I believe that alcohol use starts as a repetitive behavior (daily or binge) which becomes compulsive and has physical aspects that make it hard to quit; pot use to a lesser degree than alcohol, but it can also be hard to quit. Mostly, though, the difficulty is discomfort, and it's uncomfortable but not unbearable. Changing behavior can be hard to do, and the most difficult part can be finding the motivation to choose abstinence. Then it's learning the tools to avoid urges and lapses, and after that it's a matter of finding ways to sustain the motivation.
We often have to make lifestyle changes that are inconvenient or unpleasant; frequently our anxiety about those proves to be exaggerated. But regardless of the program or treatment chosen, the people who succeed at sobriety are those who make a firm commitment to abstinence, make those lifestyle changes, and plan and practice to deal with urges. It may involve avoiding drug-using friends, or staying away from places that drug use might occur. It may be as simple as changing the route home or the shopping patterns, or finding ways to fill evenings when drugs used to be consumed.
I've never been to any kind of rehab program. I guess it provides isolation that would be useful for getting through the most uncomfortable parts, and good medical supervision during detox, but without the changed beliefs towards abstinence it seems more like a break from habits rather than a change in lifestyle. I hope others here can give you suggestions for what to expect.
I don't know about crack cocaine at all. I'm guessing, from what I've read, that it's all of the above but even more so. More addictive, more compulsive, and more uncomfortable to quit, and probably more necessary to have medical supervision. But I really hope others with experience will address that.
What you can do is take care of yourself. Deal with the anger by looking at the underlying causes, get some independence so you aren't dragged down by his behavior, and get some support from others who have been where you are.
People will tell you that you can't make him change, but you can provide support where appropriate. Perhaps, by your independence and self-renewal, make him realize what he'd be losing by continuing his behavior and what he'd be gaining by changing it. You can accept the lifestyle changes that might be necessary. You might want to make some ground rules and stick with them. I don't know how you communicate, but a direct or implied understanding of the consequences of continued substance abuse might be useful. In my case the threat of losing my family was certainly a motivating factor in choosing abstinence, and what I've gained in sobriety is immeasurable.
Best wishes,
Don S
Here's a link that you might find useful.
http://self-renewal.com/alcohol%20addiction.htm
It's one of the resources provided in the 12-Step Alternatives links elsewhere on this forum. I just found it to be a good, easy to read overview of substance abuse.
Personally, I believe that alcohol use starts as a repetitive behavior (daily or binge) which becomes compulsive and has physical aspects that make it hard to quit; pot use to a lesser degree than alcohol, but it can also be hard to quit. Mostly, though, the difficulty is discomfort, and it's uncomfortable but not unbearable. Changing behavior can be hard to do, and the most difficult part can be finding the motivation to choose abstinence. Then it's learning the tools to avoid urges and lapses, and after that it's a matter of finding ways to sustain the motivation.
We often have to make lifestyle changes that are inconvenient or unpleasant; frequently our anxiety about those proves to be exaggerated. But regardless of the program or treatment chosen, the people who succeed at sobriety are those who make a firm commitment to abstinence, make those lifestyle changes, and plan and practice to deal with urges. It may involve avoiding drug-using friends, or staying away from places that drug use might occur. It may be as simple as changing the route home or the shopping patterns, or finding ways to fill evenings when drugs used to be consumed.
I've never been to any kind of rehab program. I guess it provides isolation that would be useful for getting through the most uncomfortable parts, and good medical supervision during detox, but without the changed beliefs towards abstinence it seems more like a break from habits rather than a change in lifestyle. I hope others here can give you suggestions for what to expect.
I don't know about crack cocaine at all. I'm guessing, from what I've read, that it's all of the above but even more so. More addictive, more compulsive, and more uncomfortable to quit, and probably more necessary to have medical supervision. But I really hope others with experience will address that.
What you can do is take care of yourself. Deal with the anger by looking at the underlying causes, get some independence so you aren't dragged down by his behavior, and get some support from others who have been where you are.
People will tell you that you can't make him change, but you can provide support where appropriate. Perhaps, by your independence and self-renewal, make him realize what he'd be losing by continuing his behavior and what he'd be gaining by changing it. You can accept the lifestyle changes that might be necessary. You might want to make some ground rules and stick with them. I don't know how you communicate, but a direct or implied understanding of the consequences of continued substance abuse might be useful. In my case the threat of losing my family was certainly a motivating factor in choosing abstinence, and what I've gained in sobriety is immeasurable.
Best wishes,
Don S
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2004
Location: On a steady quest for inner peace...
Posts: 6
Don,
Thank you very much for your post. I'm going to check out the link you provided as soon as I post this response. One item I did want to respond to was you comment on, "...I don't know how you communicate". Communication between my husband and I has been a sore point in our relationship. We are polar opposites in that regard~I'm direct and open; he's very private and close-mouthed. Much of that has to do with abuse he suffered as a boy--the "keep quiet, keep it to yourself" victim mentality. His addictive tendencies may even have been driven by the horrendous treatment he witnessed and received in his younger years--including the brutal killing of his baby sister at the hands of his father.
He's been carrying a very heavy load since then--a deeply seeded sense of worthlessness, a sense of helplessness and powerlessness. He's filled with rage and self-loathing that he's never dealt with. Conversely, he is one of the best men I know when he's not using. He is strong (except where his addiction is concerned), loving, giving, supportive, faithful, . He leaves absolutely no doubt that he will lay down his life for those he loves or for anyone in need. It's shocking to reconcile that man with the self-destructive addict.
Again, my heartfelt thanks for your insight and suggestions, it helps a lot to know what things look like from another point of view.
Mahalo nui loa,
Kana
P.S.~~Thank you for the compliment on my name as well. I hail from the Aloha State and am of Native Hawaiian & Native American ancestry, hence the Hawaiian name. My friends call me the "Transplanted Hawaiian".
Thank you very much for your post. I'm going to check out the link you provided as soon as I post this response. One item I did want to respond to was you comment on, "...I don't know how you communicate". Communication between my husband and I has been a sore point in our relationship. We are polar opposites in that regard~I'm direct and open; he's very private and close-mouthed. Much of that has to do with abuse he suffered as a boy--the "keep quiet, keep it to yourself" victim mentality. His addictive tendencies may even have been driven by the horrendous treatment he witnessed and received in his younger years--including the brutal killing of his baby sister at the hands of his father.
He's been carrying a very heavy load since then--a deeply seeded sense of worthlessness, a sense of helplessness and powerlessness. He's filled with rage and self-loathing that he's never dealt with. Conversely, he is one of the best men I know when he's not using. He is strong (except where his addiction is concerned), loving, giving, supportive, faithful, . He leaves absolutely no doubt that he will lay down his life for those he loves or for anyone in need. It's shocking to reconcile that man with the self-destructive addict.
Again, my heartfelt thanks for your insight and suggestions, it helps a lot to know what things look like from another point of view.
Mahalo nui loa,
Kana
P.S.~~Thank you for the compliment on my name as well. I hail from the Aloha State and am of Native Hawaiian & Native American ancestry, hence the Hawaiian name. My friends call me the "Transplanted Hawaiian".
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