FreedomSought

My, I guess you could call it Addicted Voice, keeps saying "You're really not actively recovering this time around. You're not even showering, let alone trying to connect with a sponsor. You should probably just smoke some pot. Clearly you're not ready for sobriety, or you'd be going to Sober Starts and calling people like a maniac right out the gate."

Its weird. My first time in AA meetings and MA meetings it was all new and fresh. I faced my fear of calling people with courage and I was proud of it. Even self congratulating. As time progressed, the disease kinda took hold and manifested in anger, self-pity and depression, and I eventually picked up some pot again and smoked it, like Steve Urcle, "Oh, did I do that?"

This time around, I've just kinda waded my way through 6 days of clean time again, spending a decent amount of time on recovery forums (and trying to spend some time on marijuana forums which I can't even read from this frequency lol)

Still though, I feel complacent, like I should be working harder in recovery already. My Addictive Voice doesn't want to let me progress at my own pace.

I guess I answered my own question by identifying my Addicted Voice. "Should I just smoke pot again if I'm not willing to get off my ass and help another addict right off the bat? Maybe I don't even want recovery. Maybe these forums would make more sense if I were a little buzzed like a buzzy bee."

Suddenly, the vacancy that could only be filled with some pot in my lungs is actually filled with a little Cosmic Wonder. I hear my own little voice. "Be You. Be patient with You. Be gentle with You. Today, You have You."

AV "I was cooler when I smoked pot. I felt cooler. Music was cooler. My art was better than yours. I can help you do the artwork and you'll find a way to get famous and be a graphic novelist or an author. I can inspire you."

ME "Every time you inspire me, it's just like Macklemore says. Passion has a half life, and half a life isn't enough. I end up sitting in front of my Gameboy DS with half a bowl, zoned out to the Pokemon Center music because I can't even use the D-pad and focus enough to play through a Pokemon Gym, and a couple sheets of writing or art half finished on the table, and next time I look, its all ugly. And if I do pick up again, I'm so scared to look at that artwork because I feel like I'm making a deal with... maybe not a demon but a flaky angel... again."

AV "It's your fault you listened to Macklemore and all this AA dogma. I can't promise you courage, but you might learn a lot and meet some cool people if you find a connect. And maybe you'll self destruct but maybe you won't. And there is a lot to learn from the exploration of self-destruction. God will save you in the end."

Maybe Addicted Voice is right. Maybe God wants me to go through some more highs and lows. I'm young. Jung said sometimes we have to do something horrible to keep on living. But my little inner-child, small voice of Me says, "maybe God's already saving me and I just have to let him."

Well that was long I love playing out the 2 voices it brings such a great sense of resolution. And the emoticons here are great.

I hope it helps someone else too.

LadyinBC

What a great post!

Nuudawn

Crikey..that "blue voice" is a wizard. Keep listening to that one : ) And deals with flaky angels are quite alright. Clarence in It's a Wonderful Life was a little flaky....and Clarence was awesome : )

Everytime you hear a bell ring......

Dee74

AV is never right - remember that and you'll go far

D