twain

So It's currently Monday Morning, a familiar time. Exactly 4 hours before I have to go to work. I spent the evening chatting to an American girl currently visiting from Texas, however, the courage needed was 5 Strongbows and 4 Gin and Tonics. I would say, A fair price to pay for confidence.

It all started saturday night, when I agreed to go on a date with this woman of abroad. The minutes were counting down to when I had agreed to pick her up from her roommates house and I was kinda twitchy to say the least. I was hovering around the kitchen thinking of how to beat the nerves when it occurred to me. Alcohol is a depressant and a relaxing agent, why not try that? Having just posted my first entry on this forum 2 days before, I was hesitant. But the so called 'Voice of reason' kicked in and before I knew it, I'd done 2 shots of vodka with a fruit juice chaser laced with more vodka.

Cut to the restaurant. We did the small 'getting to know you' talk for a while and finished our meals. During which I consumed a further 2 beers and she only one glass of wine. I asked for the bill and paid and suggested we moved on to a local bar to continue the conversation. This is exactly what we did. 4-5 apple ciders later, I left with a good night kiss and went home.

Cut back to tonight, after the 5 strong bows and 4 gin and tonics. After voice chatting on Skype with this lovely lady, it occurred to me. "I have nothing to offer this woman. The only way I'm going to keep this up is if I'm well inebriated". It seems to me that every-time I want to push forward and grab something I want, I need to have consumed alcohol prior to gain the balls to do so. This explains most of my relationships and achievements. None of which would have been possible without the hand of alcohol there to lead. This frustrates the absolute crap out of me.

To feel that I'm only as good as they amount of drinks I consume, makes everything feel fake and undeserving to me. I want to earn everything I achieve, not have some intoxicated ***** do it for me.

Anyway, I'm not off the drink yet. But am one step closer to understanding what's going on here. I hope someone will relate and question themselves as I did.

Twain (intoxicated).

mecanix

When i drank my relationships were doomed from the start because eventually i'd have to choose the drink or them .

Now i don't drink the relationships i form are a lot more ballanced , it's not easy but it's kinda fairer .

Good luck Twain , m

soberhawk

Twain,

You are a little hard on your self as I read it.

You are not the first that thinks alcohol can help you when your are anxious or nervous, it will not - but you get that feeling for some hours – or at least you feel less for some hours.

That was a mistake – and we all make mistakes.

But banging yourself in the head afterwards and saying you have nothing to offer when not inebriated – that is your second mistake.

Please stop that.

Tang

Twain - I always took a shot before a date. I ended up marrying someone who wanted to keep me drunk because that's how they met me. Do yourself a favor and kick the habit before you start a relationship. Otherwise you may end up fighting both your addiction and codependency.

visch1

When I drank mostly what I had to offer is the alcoholic BS. It was intensified by my self centered fear and insecurity and I felt these feelings were being calmed down with the intake of alcohol. All this drinking turned into my enemy which set out to destroy me both mentally and emotionally. After a long time denying a problem AA set a course which I followed to overcome the pain I induced. In fact years later I'm still following it to the best of my ability one day at a time. BE WELL

caboblanco

could be an anxiety and self esteem issue. I felt for a while that I couldn't talk to any women. So don't be so hard on yourself

GroundhogDay

What is your plan? Are you going to try to go out with her sober or just never call her again? As a woman from Texas this makes me sad. She's obviously attracted to you, so you don't need the booze to entertain her. If you don't see her again, she'll wonder what she did wrong.

Nuudawn

I'm going to suggest something a little novel in the BS dating world of putting you're absolute best (even bullsh*t foot forward)...how bout telling this lovely lady the truth? How bout telling her that you have just realized that you are an alcohol abuser and are attempting some inroads on stopping that. Tell her you're only remedy is abstinence. Tell her that you broke that commitment because you were just so jacked up with nerves cuz you wanted to make a good impression etc etc. Tell her you like her but that you are working on getting "real" in your world. Perhaps apologize to her for actually putting a "fake" foot forward thus far.

Yes, honesty is pretty maverick here...but really, what's the alternative? Lies..or huge omissions of the truth? Yes, she may say "later buddy"...but...she may not.

Kayla50

I learned that dating is a huge trigger for me and usually leads me on a drinking binge. I've decided to try to stay away from dating until I am further along in sobriety and am confident without the booze.

Anna

I think it comes down to being comfortable with yourself, with who you are and with what you have to offer. Recovery will help you with those issues and as you become comfortable with who you are, you will likely feel much less anxious when dating.

Carlotta

Absolutely right. Two things come to mind
a) There is some wisdom in the recommendation of not getting involved or dating in the first year of sobriety. Dating can be a trigger plus on top of that, it should be a year spent getting to know ourselves.
b) This woman has issues too. Only a woman who is codependent or has very low self esteem (or both) would pursue something with someone who gets inibriated on the first date and drunk skype her.
If you chose to get serious about recovery and get sober, do you want to have to drag your own "codie" in the process with all the drama it entails or do you want to be free to focus on yourself?

Getting involved with someone right now is not fair to that person (being with an alcoholic is hell).

Ohio1

This is not terribly uncommon- I can't even count the times I was super funny outgoing guy at night with a few in me then the next day boring and hungover with nothing to offer as you say.

The truth is alcohol shuts your brain down over time- so if you are regularly drinking your brain will be functioning at a much lower level when you are not drinking. It probably took me 2-3 weeks to really start to feel better after quitting alcohol and 3 months out still I am noticing changes.

Go check out alcoholic brain activity scans- normal brains are yellow and red (high activity) chronic drinkers have blue brains (very low activity). Its amazing how much different things feel after a few months not drinking.

twain

A lot of things to think about, thanks for your replies. The truth is, I want to get this issue settled before starting anything with anyone. I think it would be a terrible idea to enter a relationship and build it up on top of this problem.

In saying that, I think I'll play the honesty card and let her know what's going on. That way she'll know it's not her fault and understand why I can't enter into anything just yet. She seems like the understanding type.

After reading everyone's replies here, I've decided to start my first day today. The realization that I haven't actually done anything yet to help myself hit me and I want start building a (somewhat) normal life. I've poured out the remaining spirits I had so this is now a dry household. The hardest thing will be not calling by the drive through bottle-shop down the road, but that's where the self control comes into the equation. Something I'll need to definitely start working on first.

Thanks again.

EndGameNYC

It seems to me that every time I lose something important to me in my life -- relationships, achievements -- it's alway preceded by consuming large amounts of alcohol over long periods of time.