blackbird

I am new to actually posting - I found this wonderful site a few months ago and just been reading everyday as to what others have to say and share. Lot's of good people and a feeling of acceptance. Don't have to hide anything or act like everything is ok, I posted this reply yesterday and I think this is where I should have put it. Sometimes when you find someplace to say what you have been wanting to share but have learned from most and I say most cause that's how its been in my families case that betrayal and ignorance play a major role if people don;t understand what it is your dealing with, I know that is not the case here. I've spent the last 3 years trying to save my now 19 year old nephew from this "way of life" - I must of had blinders on cause I know now - no saving someone allowed in this world - just doesnt work that way - so much hurt in his eyes - broken heart from the get go - he started out so angry at my sister for dying and leaving him - now after being beaten by cops, dealers, the "older" men all so willing to help him out, the cab drivers, the eighth grade teacher who "befriended" him while my sister lay dying in a coma who I would still to this day like just 5 minutes with in a room but all I got was her state teaching liscense taken away from her, family not having anything to do with "our family" meaning me, my husband and 2 nephews because this stuff scares the crap out of them and they think that it is an absolute choice - and to tell you the truth and to be honest - I think at the beginning of his addiction - he was severely depressed and sad and was looking for a way to numb the pain - but now looking at him it is such a vicious circle of self loathing that I don;t know how a person can get out of it - the so called friends that were young good looking kids when he first came to live with us in 97 are addicts now and they have all turned on eachother and then have pulled together because they're the only people that will have anything to do with eachother - my husband has had a difficult time with this - he believes in tough love - I feel like how do you turn someone out to the street which by the way he knows how to work it like to back of his hand - but how do you throw someone out when they are at the bottom of a hole that's seems to be filling up with water with each passing arrest, overdose, guilt, physical pain from trying to detox by himself - I am now trying to use all the love I have to not be angry at him - it;s not even about being mad or who's right or wrong - it's about watching him do the same damn thing my sister did until she went to a world where she is finally free - what's it gonna take - I gotta say I don't know if I were in the same hole I could find the unbelievable strength it would have to take to get out - what does it take? I am glad I found this place - because I have stopped having anything to do with all of my friends - because they either don't understand or just would rather not know what is happening in our world at our house! But here people know this world and they just don;t tell their stories they help - anyone?

amandaleepiscea

Hi blackbird -
sounds like you have learned a lot already... and the disease of addiction has taken its toll on you as well, as it often does those who love addicts. your nephew is obviously in a painful cycle and certainly the only thing you CAN do is make sure he knows where he can go if and when he is ready to give recovery a try. Enabling him is not the answer... but is the tough love that your husband advocates the answer? Well, it may be... but that is a question better answered in the alanon or naranon arenas, certainly. And i believe what it would come down to is that it may look like tough love in the way it comes out, but what it probably ends up truly being is doing what is necessary to take care of you in the process of loving someone who has a disease that not only they but YOU TOO are powerless over. Nothing can be done until he chooses to do something for himself. It sounds as though many attempts have been made and they were all the result of outside forces trying to make him want to stop - never works... and you definitely seem to know that.

It is so sad to read how much pain this disease causes and upon how many it inflicts itself. We are here to commiserate and offer you a solace where you can share your pain and find solutions for YOU... but helping him is another matter entirely. Does he want to get clean? Because he sure won't if he doesn't want to. I know you know. I am so sorry for your pain.

muchlove, amanda

namommy

Blackbird,

It's a tough situation you are in. I believe in tough love to an extent. You may do well by reading the post 'Pam', it basically deals with the same situation. Also, like Amanda said go to the naranon and al-anon sites.

In NA meetings we hold a moment of silence for the still sick and suffering addict and we believe this is our opportunity to pray them into the room of recovery, I will include your nephew in my next prayer.

Good luck,

Love ya

Laurie D

zoomer

Welcome and huggys! I do not have any words of wizdom right off hand,but I'm glad you posted!

blackbird

God it just feels good to have someone give a hoot...I gotta say I feel really alone but I do have this place now to let it out and to you Amanda - thankyou - you are right not only is my nephew powerless until he wants help which he says he does and has been in several rehabs but never has made it past a couple of weeks. It does help me to hear from someone that I am powerless - I gotta say I have had quite a whirl at this trying to help him/save him - it has taken a definite toll on all of us - his gramma as well - she is scared to death of losing him - but the way we get caught up in it - his addiction which has been to herion mostly started when he was so young just like his mom at the age of 15 - that I became a fighter to all those who aided him cause I felt so guilty for not seeing what was going on with the teacher and he may or may not have taken this path anyway but what she did was make him lose all trust in any authority figures. When your in this world of loving someone who is an addict - you see so many things that you wouldn;t even know ever existed - like the cruelness of people towards the vulnerable - the money market with the dealers, cabbies, cops wanting to use you as a rat and that way you "gotta favor coming" ( but there has been many cops who were good to him too), courts, lawyers, cousenlors and the dark side of people - even people you love and thought you could trust. And these older men - I'd beat them with a stick but I'm no match for them and there are too many ready and willing. I know I have a strong spirit but I gotta say I'm tired of the fight cause it's made me bitter, angry and very untrustworthy of just about everyone. And god only knows what it has done to my husband and my other much younger nephew. But yet as you say Amanda - just let him know where he can go for help if he truly wants it - you are right and I do feel some peace and don;t feel so angry anymore, I want love to replace the hurt so I guess that is what I need to work on now for all of my family including my nephew whom I want so badly to know the good side of life - but what I have learned thru all of this and hearing everyone here's stories is that you can lead the horse to water but you can;t make em drink it - and I ain't perfect my damn self so maybe I better work on that instead of fixing someone else - whew sorry for going on and on - this is just a step for me - not really used to sharing any of this with anyone else - pretty much have isolated our family from others for fear that they will hurt us by not caring when it comes right down to it - you think that sounds weird? thanks to you Amanda, Laurie & Zoomer for your words and prayers!