lessgravity

Went to a long, drunk wedding today and didn't drink. Mostly everyone was deliriously drunk and having a great time. Went to the city, ran errands and instead of going out and having a nice dinner and some wine, ate a burrito with the wife and came home. Passed all the pretty people (some not so pretty) on their way to a good ol Saturday night buzz. Came home and on the walk home passed the bars and the restaurants with their doors and windows open to the street, people laughing too loudly, buzzed, drunk whatever.

So angry so so angry that I can't get a taste of that.

Some nights, most days, it's not a problem. Tonight I'm just filled with such sad anger that I can't do what they all are out there doing.

Yes I know there are happy teetollers (sp) at home, watching a movie, doing a puzzle. But I'm here, sober and pissed off.

So there.

Bubovski

I suppose in some ways its a balancing act.
When I think of all the really bad alcoholic stuff it sort of acts as an antidote.

Hevyn

Hi lessgravity. I'm glad you wanted to post about this.

I remember feeling that way for a few months after I quit. Yes, I was happy to be free - and to have made it out alive - but there was definitely resentment at first. One of the things that held me back from getting sober was thinking life would be boring and never fun again. I got past all that though - and of course now I realize living in a fog and getting numb to 'enjoy' life isn't the way to go. The way we were living is fake and destructive. Give yourself time to come out into the sunshine again. I hope you'll feel thankful tomorrow that you're not hungover or shaky.

SoberHappyHour

I remember feeling that way quite a bit during my first few months as well. I have learned tho that those people you see laughing and joking aren't actually amused by each other, but just happy to have that drunk feeling. Take away the alcohol and would they be laughing like that ? Probably not. To me that is fake and not something I care to be a part of. When I laugh now, it's genuine laughter. Ill remember everything I laugh at now. I know if I truly enjoy someone's company or not now. Ill wake up feeling great and be productive the following day. Plus, you can join into the drunk conversations sober and listen to the things they laugh at. Most of it probably isn't very funny anyway but they're laughing because they're drunk.

wakko

I never was one of those pretty people. If I was it was a long time ago. I drank all of the fun out of alcohol so long ago I do not even remember it. My fun was waking up in my own vomit. Lyng to and hurting my loved ones, constantly suffering the guilt and shame of my last drunk. I am NOT angry I am overjoyed that the hell I called life is finally over.

I had to rebuild my life develop new fun things to do new people new places and things. today life is not perfect but it's pretty darn good and I do it all with no drugs or alcohol

Deckard

When I feel that way I try to bring to mind that I have been given the chance to walk back the biggest mistake of my life. The price is not drinking. That's a deal I'd take every time....

lilgolden73

Oh less, I have felt that way many a time! I don't wanna do the bar thing so much, but I def know how you feel! Hang in there!

Melina

I love what wacko said, 'I drank all the fun out of alcohol....' That resonates tremendously. Yet if asked why I drink my first idea is that it's fun. The truth is I drink to obliterate my thoughts, get weepy on old country music on YouTube videos, cry and post really stupid sentimental crap on fb. I'm not social with it, I'm on a mission to get fubar. Everyone around me tenses up when I drink. So most of the time I drink alone.

I'm sorry you're feeling that sad anger. It's kept me drinking many a nights bc I feel so entitled to drink. But I can't drink like other people. That realization should make me happy, that I have a shred of self-preservation. But it doesn't, I get the sad angries, too, and I continue drinking.

Keep up the excellent work, I hope your sad angries turn into a sense of pride from taking care of yourself and understanding what your body can not handle.

Hope this helps.

ScottFromWI

I am staring to realize more and more that there actually more things that people do NOT drinking than there are to do while drinking. For example, just about everything my kids do, scouting, soccer, school activities, etc. I either missed them or figured out a way to stash or sneak away for beers and was really there anyway. Most civic, church, and many social organizations hold mostly all their activities without alcohol too. As alcoholics we think we are missing out on something by not hanging out at bars or clubs, but we really arent.

Dee74

I was angry too.
The Part was over.
The life I'd led for 20, 30 years was gone.

I blamed myself. If only I could drink like everyone else...but nnoooo not me - you idiot....

I had no idea what was to replace my life - I only knew that I had no control over my impulses at all when it came to alcohol and drugs.

And things were getting worse. Quitting was something I had to do, not something I really wanted to.

I *did* want to change tho - I was sick of wasting my life away, being ashamed to think about what I did last night, and reluctant to look at myself in the mirror.

so I gave up fighting it. I gave sobriety a go.

I figured '30 years of self abuse I can certainly give a year to this...'.

By the time 3 months was up, I knew I'd changed....I was back to being a me I'd forgotten about...I was starting to love my life and who I was....my relationships improved, my reputation did too, and my health and well being...


I was solving problems and dealing with things, not running away...I was finally feeling like a man of 40 not a 17 yo.

Being sober was no longer a chore or something I resented, it was becoming the way I preferred to be.

I hope you find that too, less

D

Hope4Life

The day will come when you won't be interested in that false life anymore...

I know I don't miss the drama, lies, put downs, gossip and all the other BS that goes along with being a bar fly.

Socializing with people who are literally POISONING themselves has absolutely no appeal anymore.

I hope that soon you will feel the same way.

Plenny

Those thoughts always got me to relapse. I would straight up forget that I had quit drinking, even if it had been a few days. Like I was on autopilot. I'd wake up totally hung over, feeling tricked. Tricked by myself!! Because I didn't have faith in myself or believe in myself enough, or care to trust myself.
However, after the nights I did what you did, and went home pissed off and bored out of my skull, even anxious as hell and unable to sleep, I woke up relieved and patted myself on the back. Having a totally different experience from the night before. Untricked.
Crazy

WritingHelps

I've definitely felt this feeling, often. I've never gotten more than a couple months without booze since last year when I thought it was time to stop pretending I was like my "normal" friends.

Even tonight. I'm just on day 2 and I work in a restaurant. Saturday is a long, busy shift and a bunch of people were talking about going to a bar after work. I told a few of them that I wasn't drinking because I am trying to quit smoking (which is also true). One of them said, well you don't have to drink if you come. Don't I? I don't know what else to do in situations like that! Not yet, anyway...

So, yeah, I feel ya. It's a sucky feeling not being able to do what you want, even if it isn't REALLY what you want. Hope the feeling passes for you, too.

Sasha4

Are you sure all those people at the wedding were enjoying themselves?

What about the next morning?
Were they sill enjoying themselves.

I get to see the next morning after an evenings excess of drink.

For the sake of perhaps four hours drinking, I would rather not bother judging by the states of them.

Completely paranoid, what did I do, what did I say?
What time did I go to bed and with who?
Did I say something I should not have done?
Is the host of the party/bride and groom/friend/boss angry with me as I drank so much?
What did I spill down my dress?
Is it really appropriate to celebrate a marriage of 2 people, the birth of a baby, a new job, a christening by people getting mortally drunk, throwing up, flirting with people they should not or saying things they should not say?

The list is endless.
I would rather be as I am now, then as I was then.

I wish you the best XXXX

MythOfSisyphus

Tonite I went out for my nightly walk and came across a middle aged couple staggering back from the bar, obviously plastered. The woman was actually on her hands and knees vomitting in some random person's yard. At that moment, ten months to the day from the last time I had a drink, I can tell you I had exactly zero amount of envy for drunks!

I know it seems like everyone else is having a blast and it feels like it's not fair that you can't join in. But that feeling will pass in time. Or at least it did for me. Now I can see I was pretty lucky to get out alive.

hypochondriac

I think it is worth considering that some of those people out there won't even be drinking, it happens more often than you think. I just never noticed it that much before because I avoided non drinkers like the plague.

I totally understand how you feel because I have had those feelings a lot, it was like 'why do they get to drink but I can't?'. What stung more was that I was an okay social drinker. I could hold my drink and was able to control it in public to the extent that I didn't get out of control (my serious drinking was done at home). When I see drunk people out it is infuriating at times because I always thought I would have been more dignified than that but I can't drink anymore! I do remember though that I felt that way when I was drinking too, I felt bad that I felt so guilty for my drinking when other people didn't seem to. I also remember how annoying it was that people couldn't keep up with me when I was out drinking. I was always having to slow it down and would often leave early just so I could go home and drink 'normally'. Now I am over the initial hurdles in sobriety I enjoy social occasions much more. I am surprised and pleased at how little people drink and how often I meet people who don't drink and I never feel the need to rush off home.

I think there a pluses and minus's on both sides here and what is important is figuring out what is best for you. Just because other people go out drinking on a saturday night doesn't mean you should. I am sure you will find a balance with this that you're happy about. I know that it used to drive me nuts and it doesn't so much these days

lessgravity

Thank you for all your responses, all very on point and more than helpful.

I more than agree with all the "they aren't truly enjoying life, they are just poisoning themselves" etc responses BUT here's the rub -

I know that rationally, deeply and even instinctively - and YET, some nights, like last, I just craved the simple, stupefied oblivion I know they all were experiencing.

Do I know the costs? Yes. Do I know how false their rings of laughter are? How most are going to end up ash-mouth, headached, with very little memory of what happened last night etc? Course I do.

And yet - I still wanted that buzz.

Today though? I love that I'm sober.

Ah the twisted paradox this brutal poison.

scintillady

I'm glad you posted this. I have been feeling that maybe I'm the only one who is angry that I can't enjoy something that I really enjoy. I'm not talking about getting drunk, either. I never go out and go to bars and get drunk, mostly because I'm too cheap to pay for the overpriced alcohol, but also because I'd have to worry about how to get home. What I enjoy is sitting at home by the pool on beautiful days like today, reading a good book, and drinking some wine. If I could stop at that like a normal person, I would feel a lot better. However, I know that after the pleasant buzz out by the pool, I would keep drinking all evening and spoil everything. I AM angry that my body doesn't let me enjoy alcohol in moderation like most people, and lately I have been at loose ends to fill the evenings when I used to spend them at home drinking. Last night I took the dog for an extra walk, read some of my book, but I have to tell you I was totally bored and even though I have a ton of work to do around the house, I just couldn't make myself get started on it. I also used to drink in order to sleep, and I'm having a hard time thinking of being able to sleep without it. I'm still going to try to stay sober, but when you've done this for most of your life, in my case over 30 years, it can make you angry to think that you can never do it again.

fishforever

I was also angry. Did not want to accept that I had a problem. The truth was hard to face. When I drink bad things happen. There is no fun anymore. The first couple of drinks might be fine, but where I end up is not fun at all. The fun is gone, only drama. I still am angry, but I did this to myself. I now have to put energy into staying sober. Being angry is better than waking up with fear, embarrassment , and anxiety after a night of drinking.

SoberJohn

I bet those happy people last night are not so happy this morning.