Acheleus

Well I saw my doctor for anxiety and I was prescribed a medication that is supposed to help anxiety. The primary reason I drank alcohol was to reduce anxiety and help me feel normal, like I could relax and talk to people, tell jokes, and just enjoy my life for a few hours. But when I started to drink I would not stop, and I would insult people or say something stupid about how much I hate myself, or why I didn't want to be around anyone--just in general act a fool and people would ask me to leave, and so it was almost like punishing myself, making people tell me to leave and thus get some kind of validation for the self-hatred I have playing in my head 24/7. I just started this new medicine today and am heading for an AA meeting at a local church where I hope to try to find a sponsor and do some step work, because I am so desperate right now to quit drinking that I will do anything to get through this pit of hell. Today is day 2 and I am going for a long walk tonight because that is what helped me before. The one thing I feel now is fear to go anywhere in my town because I am so embarrassed about falling down when drunk or acting crazy and being asked to leave bars because I am making people feel uncomfortable. Does anyone else have this kind of fear and anxiety/embarrassment? I am finding this to be the most difficult thing for me to deal with, I just hate myself even more for acting like a desperate alcoholic and not being able to just be a normal person. Even tonight I am scared to go to the grocery store or to the AA meeting because I am afraid everyone knows that I am just a hopeless, pathetic alcoholic that no one wants anything to do with. All I want is to crawl under my covers and cry or just pretend that I never embarrassed myself in public. There is no booze in my house and I drank out in public, but I would not quit, and I would either fall down or get asked to leave. My counselor last week told me that I should let myself off the hook, because I have not been arrested or in fights, or hurt anyone. So I guess she was saying just relax, forgive yourself, realize you are an alcoholic and cannot drink, and move forward--but I feel so humiliated. Any suggestions for dealing with this terrible fear and paranoia that everyone knows how bad my problem is? Or do people probably not care as much as I think they do? Any help to get me over these early days will help.

Soberpotamus

I think the therapist makes a great point... you fell down, you were asked to leave... so far you haven't been in fights, wrecked a car, wound up in jail, lost a job... at least you can take some sort of comfort in knowing that you are arresting this before it progresses further.

I can understand the humiliation in public and the social anxiety. But as for going grocery shopping and to AA... really, if anyone judges you in AA they have their perspective and priorities all wrong You know? Because they are there for the same reason. So, don't worry about AA at all! As for the groceries... we all have to eat. So, just go in there knowing you are taking care of yourself, no matter who is there or what they think. And I am about 90% sure that no one will give a rip Not sure how big that town is, but I'm betting no one will notice or care. If anything, they'll see you shopping, sober, and be glad to see you are better.

The longer you are sober, the better about yourself you are going to feel, especially if you keep taking the meds, seeing the therapist, and going to meetings, and reading recovery books, and posting on SR...

Also, people do forget, memories fade, people overlook, they can forgive... people have been forgiven for MUCH worse. Pretty soon, you'll give them nothing to talk about anyway. They will get over it. And you will too.

Acheleus

I'm trying not to be hard on myself. I just remember how great I felt during those 44 days of sobriety, and I want to build on what I did right during that but add more. Reading adults children of alcoholics books has really helped me deal with why I felt the way I have for so long, and I have recently accepted that both my parents are alcoholics. Thank you Jennie and I will try to feel less ashamed about my stupid behavior.

Eleni58

Honestly, I think nowadays, people are so self-absorbed in their own lives, they could care less what I have said or done in the past.

Dee74

I think it's normal to be that hyper aware of what people might be thinking on day 2 Ach.
The probability is tho you're not even being noticed.

I get the feeling tho.
I had to put my past behind me. I had to separate me from my addiction.

I was willing to make amends for all the things I'd done drunk, but I realised to live in shame about that was just another form of imprisonment...and it made it more likely I'd drink again when the shame & the fear got too much.

Counseling really helped me a lot Acheleus - if you're not in counselling now, I really recommend it if you can swing it - my thought processes and perceptions were pretty screwy - I needed help to straighten them out.

Nighthawk8820

You know, the only way to change how people see you is to show them the new you when you start making positive changes and acting better. Who actually cares what they think anyway? Everyone has their own battle going on, even the most perfect appearing of people. There is no shame and you are not alone in struggling with addiction. The important part is you are striving to make a change and better yourself and current situation. That is something a lot of people never bother doing. Time can make everything better, as long as you live each day with your head high and without drinking. The way you feel right now, is not how you will feel in lets say 6 months. Give yourself a break and just focus on your health and healing.

Acheleus

Yes I see my counselor weekly and she specializes in alcoholism. She herself cannot drink or smoke, well she told me she was the same way, so I think she understands what I say even before I say it, and she really helps me change my perception. I just want to be a good father and husband one day, I just want to have a career/family, but I know that is not going to be possible until I get serious about my alcoholism and really move forward. Thanks Dee, I will tell myself that these people don't even know who I am and probably don't care if I did something stupid while drunk. It's not like I was out there every night ******* up, I went out once every two or three weeks. One thing I have to do is start teacher training and I am very stressed about finished my school this year, while I have to teach, and write a bunch of stuff, and think about applying to another program this year. I really want to go to law school, and while I was sober I was really thinking about working the criminal justice system with alcoholics/addicts, especially like in drug court. Anyway, I just wish I didn't have all this stuff that is about to be plopped down on my plate in a few days. The training is from 8 to 5 in the evening all next week and it will be very stressful, so I suppose that is the main reason I went out and drank, but I messed up. So all I can do is get some good sleep and try to be strong and confident.

Acheleus

Thanks Nighthawk, I appreciate your help.

Soberpotamus

I mentioned that DBT workbook on your last thread, but I just wanted to mention something about it again:

One thing about DBT (dialectical behavioral therapy) that is amazing, in my opinion, is that it's about finding balance... and finding balance specifically between acceptance and change... simultaneously learning to accept who you are right now while learning skills to change how you respond and behave.

So, a thing that really helps me is (again, this is a skill in DBT... it's part of the mindfulness skill) is that it's ok to be who I am, right now... to have the f***** up feelings starting out, they are just reality at this particular moment in time... so, while you may feel embarrassed or ashamed (of your drunken behavior, child of an alcoholic, etc), realizing that it's OK to feel this way is the first step... then you get to learn how you can deal with those feelings, and how you can change so that you don't keep responding in the same dysfunctional pattern. Staying stuck. It helps you get unstuck.

sugarbear1

http://www.xa-speakers.org/speakers/...deen200896.mp3

Acheleus

Thanks Jennie and sugarbear. Jennie that does make a lot of sense, and I knew during the month of June when I was walking every night and eating right I made a point of being kind to myself and realizing that this will take time. One problem I have is impatience, I want to be better so soon, and I have to accept that I didn't get this way overnight, it took years of abuse and self-delusion, so I will just have to be kind and appreciate the time I have left to give myself a good life. Thanks for the suggestion Jennie.

Acheleus

Oh and sugarbear that is how I have gotten through bad hangovers--listening to speaker tapes. Thanks for the tape.

Mizzuno

Acheleus. (((HUG))) to you.

Acheleus

Hug back to you Mizz.

Nuudawn

As others have said...most people are thinking of themselves and how they're coming off most of the time, rather than thinking of others. You didn't hurt anyone..other than yourself. The only way you are going to get at the core of your unfounded self loathing is to sober up and work it out..the right way...with your wits about you. You have been punishing yourself for no good reason for far too long. Stop it : ) The folks in AA will know where you're coming from Acheleus....and they will be there with an outstretched hand.

Keep doing the right things for yourself. You're going to be okay : )

Acheleus

Yes I do not want to hate myself so much. I cannot even look at myself in the mirror, even though my counselor said I am attractive and look normal to other people. I told her I felt like a piece of garbage just floating through life, and one reason is because my gf left me because I am a drunk. So I feel like I am starting at zero again here on day 2, but tomorrow is day 3 and I hope to get a little bit better every day. When my grandparents both killed themselves within a year when I was 12 I thought that the world was a dark place, and I never really considered a lot of the beauty and goodness in other people. My mother went to jail and my father lost everything he owned when I was in high school, and since then I have felt like a worthless piece of white trash. Everyone I went to school with had good families, they had money, they were rich. So all my life I have hated myself because of the mistakes my parents made and I drank just to deal with not having a home, not having love from my mother or father, and damn, no wonder I have never really been in love with a woman, I don't know how to love myself or other people. Usually when I went on a binge I would just hope that I wouldn't wake up the next morning and I could kind of sleep forever without feeling tortured all day long. So dealing with all this now is going to take years I guess, but when I get down and want to drink I just tell myself that I am already too damaged and that no one is ever going to love me because I come from a bunch of crazy people. Even my ex gf's dad, who hated me, asked his daughter if I was stable and she said yes, and he said well he has every reason not to be. So I am always hyper aware that people are judging me, and I do not believe that people are good or nice. On SR everyone is nice, I don't know. Maybe I need to go to some damn treatment center or a psychiatric hospital. I can't even concentrate anymore, medicine doesn't seem to work, and I have all this baggage I just want to burn and walk on free and clear. I don't have one meaningful relationship in my life, and I don't have much hope that it will ever be any different, but I am hoping that most of this negative thinking is from getting drunk Thursday night. Well I have two days now and that is better than nothing.

I just hate my life and I have always hated it. I don't know how to change that.

Soberpotamus

I couldn't either, not consistently anyway. There are still days when I don't want to look in the mirror. I see every single flaw and pick myself apart. It's just insane. I know how this feels, trust me. While everyone around you tells you that you are attractive, etc... you can't feel it about yourself. I can tell you, it DOES get better. It has taken me the past entire YEAR to get to where I like the way I look, and that's on a good day So... give yourself permission to grow to like yourself. Give yourself permission to NOT look in the mirror. You don't have to if you don't want to. I even avoided cameras at one point. The important thing... is that it can and will change if you want to do a little bit of internal work!

Hey... you aren't the only one from a crazy bunch of people So, just realize... there are others out there feeling this way. Maybe you will find a woman who comes from a similar background, maybe not. But, there are enough people that do understand where you are coming from and have been there. You are certainly not alone. It's just a matter of finding them, but that comes later... after you are sober and stable.

Freddiejay

I went into rehab at 38 years old, I didn't own a house a car or anything other then the clothes in my bag I had nowhere else to go with no family or friends. In rehab I would shave in the shower so as to not look at my own reflection in a mirror. My father had been murdered by my brother so I had no one, nothing and couldn't stand to catch even a glimpse of my own likeness. That was in 2007. Through the steps and doing what I was told I have been restored all the things I didn't have 10 fold. I have a family that loves and respects me and get this, they ask me for advice! My fathers still dead and my brother is still in jail but I've worked through these things and some of them ill always carry with me but I have at least come to terms with my pain , anger, fears and compulsions. I can look me in the eyes today, I'm so grateful God gave me this life and made all the bad turn to lessons learned and stepping stones to the future. It will change for you too, there's a boatload of work ahead but every bit of it is worth the payoff. Ms right does exist and the light at the end of the tunnel isn't a train it's Gods grace ,love and mercy! Stay strong and continue to do the next right thing and you will see it too!

Acheleus

Thanks Jennie. I will put my sobriety first and get situated before I try to find companionship with a person who understands where I come from. One day at a time is what I have now and I am trying to get out of this funk I am in. Thank you for the common sense and wisdom.

Acheleus

Thank you Freddie. I am taking it one hour at a time right now and I am trying to just get some energy to push myself to get some stuff finished that needs to be done. Stress is a huge trigger for me so I am trying to find ways to deal with my fear/anxiety/stress that can sometimes push me over the edge. Also, living in a party town really doesn't help because the bars are everywhere, but I am never going in one again--Ever. Thank you for the hope and strength, I really need some. Off to late night meeting.