Soberpotamus

Enjoy your meeting. Looking forward to hearing about it

Acheleus

Very small meeting. Lots of people with drug and alcohol problems. I was quiet while they discussed what made them want to go out and use. Going to some kind of meeting in the morning, maybe to a church. Going to eat and then try to sleep.

Acheleus

Cannot sleep and feeling scared. I had a dream last night that I was in prison but somehow was being set free. There were all these scary chutes with names like hell, torture, booze. I cannot believe I relapsed and humiliated myself, I get so scared that I will get arrested or robbed. Why do I keep drinking? After all the years I have known I have had a problem, I still continue to drink. I feel like I have to just isolate myself to stay sober, because deep down I do not like or care about myself, so I give in when the self-destructive voice says let us go waste money and time and neurons. I just want to be free from this obsession and relapse.

hayley86

Hang on in there. You had 44 days sober, you can get there again and build on that. You are stronger than you realize. I hope you feel better soon.

LuLu13

Acheleus, you are so worth it! You know you can do this as you had a long stretch earlier. I do not know you but am confident that you have much to contribute to this world. I understand the dream thing, I have had some terrifying ones. Hang in there, keep posting and feel better.

Acheleus

I just want to be cleansed. I want to feel stronger.

hayley86

You are strong. You are here and posting and not drinking. Be proud of yourself for that. Be kind to yourself and feel better.

Acheleus

Yes I could be out drinking and calling people now, crying and asking for help. Some things take so long, and recovery is one of them.

LuLu13

Recovery is long but worth it, in time you will feel cleansed. It is very hard to face all the demons.

hayley86

Recovery does take a long time. All you can do is try and stay on the right track today. One day at a time. I would not be thinking too long term right now if i were you. I would have found it far too daunting. Stay focused on the here and now and the sober days will soon add up again.

Acheleus

Why do I feel bad when I am sober? I feel like I have no sense of pleasure, but the first few drinks make me feel just right, then it is off to oblivion. I just want the fear/anxiety/loneliness to go away. No one likes me and I feel like life is not worth living without human love and contact. I hate my self and I do not understand what I am supposed to do with myself. I might just go for a drive since I cannot sleep.

360shoes

That's not true Acheleus. I like you. I think you sound like a very nice person. I know there are a lot of people here who like you too.

LuLu13

Heck, Acheleus, if we didn't like you we wouldn't be responding to you. You will make new friends as you build your new, sober life.

Acheleus

Sorry. I just have the emotional maturity of a teenager. I do not need other people to like me for me to be happy, if I stay sober I will make friends again. I mean in my personal life I have no friendships but that is because I am a drunk. Trying to take baby steps again. You know if I am going to drop my attachment to alcohol I am going to drop my attachment to the good opinion of others, money, success, etc. i do not care what other people think, I am going to be happy. I think I am dreading going back to school and teaching, but I used to think it is what I wanted to do but now I am not sure.

Nuudawn

Wow..that is an incredibly spiritual dream. I got goosebumps reading it. You are being set free : ) Just stay on path (gosh why did Glinda the good witch and "just follow the yellow brick road" just pop into my head)

Acheleus

There were people screaming in the chutes, like large metal tubes where the people dropped to god knows where. Yeah the dream did reinforce where my drinking takes me. I want to be free. It is day 3 and I am about to do laundry.

Anna

Acheleus, I had a lot of emotional growing up to do when I stopped drinking, and I judged myself very harshly for putting myself in that position. It was very difficult to live with myself and I had to shift my thinking. I believe that alcoholism is a disease, not a character defect. That made a big difference to how I felt about myself and I was able to begin the process of starting to like/love myself.

Acheleus

Yes my counselor said I got alcoholism from both my parents and that I modeled their behavior. All I know is I have to value myself and treat myself with respect. Thank you for the encouragement Anna. Today I feel better than I felt yesterday, so I am trying to build and grow. It does help me to think of alcoholism as a disease and not a flaw. I will keep that in mind.

ippochick

acheleus, i fell at 45 days. i know how this feels. i have been dreading going to the local grocery store as i was in there thursday buying wine, while drunk. i lost my atm card somewhere and i can't bear the thought of asking if i left it behind.

i called someone out on facebook, drunk texted rambling self-pity to friends and family, and i still feel horrible and embarrassed.

i think you, like me, are predisposed to self-loathing. i'm an adult child of alcoholic(s), although in my house the violence and abuse was behind a very middle-class facade. i've been in therapy since i left hospital last november after a serious breakdown, and i'm learning that my emotional development was effectively derailed before i even hit seven years old.

how about, i give myself a break and you try to do the same? we're human. we hurt, we f*ck up and yet we keep on going. you sound like you have a lot to offer this world.

try and follow the mantra that i'm trying - be kind to yourself.

Acheleus

We can do this ippochick. I think we have to support each other in the beginning. We can love ourselves, and you can get through this just like I can. I just want to learn to see through alcohol, I do not want to give it power. We can build our time back day by day.