alexandra061988

So here I sit...day one, yet again. I have been here SO many times before. I have been to rehabs, IOP, counseling and AA but for whatever reason...maybe my stubbornness or stupidity...I cannot seem to put the bottle down. I know So much about my disease, I know all the. Coping skills and tools to stay sober but for some reason I refuse to do it...refuse to move forward in life. I've struggled with alcoholism for 10 years now...and during that time I've managed to stay completely sober for 3 months. I am terrified of LIVING...I sabotage myself over and over again. Why do I do this?? I truly want to be happy, successful and independent but I'm also scared of it. Why do I choose not use the tools to stay clean and sober? I need help...any advice?.

Mizzuno

It took many years for the "message" to become clear to me. This was after rehab, broken relationships, fallout with family members, and the final straw was loss of employment. I only hope that you can move forward into sobriety. The question of why becomes irrelevant. We just have to get on the sober bus and ride.

visch1

Hi. I bounced around AA for 2 years wanting the same and some said that I wanted to drink more than I wanted to be sober. I had so many negative characters of an alcoholic it's scary. Arrogant, dishonest, resentful, self centered, know it all and on and on. Finally I got sick and tired of being sick and tired and decided to work the program and became very active without all the ah buts. Fortunately its worked for +30 years and I still attend meetings. BE WELL

Eleni58

Visch nailed it! In a nutshell, you have to WANT sobriety more than being drunk. I drank daily for 13 years straight and never WANTED sobriety until July 21, 2013 when I had some sort of epiphany and truly desired sobriety.

Dee74

Hi and welcome Alexandra

I was terrified of living too - so much that my drinking life, as crappy as it was, was my preferred alternative.

As long as I thought that I was in quicksand.

Look around - there's hundreds of people here living full happy joyous sober lives - we're no different to you

I put down the bottle and got in touch with a me I'd forgotten existed.

I had to make a lot of changes in my life but a lot of wonderful things came into my life as well.

I don't feel I lost out at all. I love who I am and the life I live - but I had to make that leap of faith to get here

Recovery really does work

I hope you decide to give it a chance - there's a ton of support here.

D

Acheleus

I am on day 2 after a relapse and I know that I have to see through alcohol and my addiction to it. Once I see through it and realize I have to make the decision to drink I can move forward. We can do this and we can never give up, but we need to understand we are playing with fire and that one night we might not make it home or we might do something really stupid that will land us in jail for a long time. I know one problem I have is taking alcoholism seriously. I cannot mess around with it and just laugh it off, which is what I tend to do if I need to justify the fact that I relapsed. Just picture a skull and crossbones on every bottle you see, because we can't keep poisoning ourselves without consequences. If we don't end up in jail or in an institution we will end up picking our internal organs and dying. Alcohol makes me insane, and I don't want to be insane anymore. Stay strong. Never give up.

thuggybear

Hi

While going to AA, did you work the steps?
While working 4-9 we get to know and understand ourselves much better.

I used to have the same self-sabotage thing going on with me as you do. I've worked through this with the help of AA, the Steps, and therapy.

PM me if you'd like some support, questions answered I'll do my best.

thuggy

BigBobby

Hello!

Yeh I know where you are coming from. I have been to AA on and off for 4 years and end up relapsing to booze.
I live in a Town in North West England called Preston. You will prob not have heard of it living in the USA but about 40 miles from Manchester United where David Beckham used to play .
Anyway I am in very early stages again and it is only day 13 for me being sober which is a record for me. I am now 27 and started drinking when I was 18. I used to be a social drinker when younger at the local Pub or "Bar" I think they call it in the USA. Playing pool, Darts and watching football. In the past 4 years I started drinking by myself and became a lone drinker in my flat.
13 days is good for me and AA EVERY EVENING does help in the evenings but I seem to have taken a different approach this time.
I have now been honest with my family, friends and work and it is surprising how supportive everyone has been and that took a lot of pressure off which helped. The first 2 days are bad with a hangover so lots of water and fatty food helped. Sleep was poor during this time but rather than worry about this and try to force myself to sleep I just accepted it and sleep seems to have improved over time.
I have also KEPT THINGS SIMPLE rather than doing 100 things at once. I felt really anxious in the first 48 hours and was prone to panic attacks. However eventually doing simple things such as going to buy a newspaper and a pint of milk helped me get used to being around people.
Now my mind is clearer I have taken a hard look at myself and think I drink due to fear. I have had little confidence since I was a kid. A few pints a lager made me more confident but the following morning I felt dreadful. I now plan to change my social network and take up a different hobby to fill my time. I am planning to join a walking group soon. I find that isolating myself is the worst thing I can do when sober because I end up worrying about things over and over again. Simple things like a bit of cleaning, taking the dog for a walk or a bit of decorating helps.
In England we drink beer out of pint glasses so I am used to having a pint in my hand. Having a soft drink close by now helps a lot and fills me up and helping take cravings away.