DorianLastname

I never thought I'd be in a position where I'd be begging for help. But here I am.

I'm new here. Hi. Alcoholic on the road to destruction.

I drink 2 to 3 bottles of wine each evening. Which has been going on for about 4 years now. It used to be one bottle, now 2 don't even give me a hangover anymore.

My liver is not damaged yet but close to it. My stomach hurts. My blood results are terrible. If I keep going like this, I'll have a heart attack by the time I'm 40. I'm 32 btw.

Worst part is, I'm a functioning alcoholic. I can be drunk as f, but no one will notice. I'm typing this 2+ bottles of wine down and I'm perfectly able to think and make sense. Still drunk as f though.

This needs to stop. I have quit for a while, until the cravings came on so strong. It was 2 weeks. And the plan was to drink just one bottle. That was a month ago and since then I have drunk 2-3 bottles a day again.

I really need help. I know about AA. I know there are meetings in my town. I live in a small town though, so walking in to an AA meeting screams "I'm an alcoholic" to the whole town. I have no means of transportation to other meetings.

Please help. That's what I'm looking for. Help. Better yet, a solution.

I am sick and tired of the mess my life has become. And yet, I have the next glass in front of me, and I will drink it. The first glass of bottle 3.

This is Hell, please help.

Lightning Bug

WELCOME.
We are here to help.

Take a deep breath and if you can - dump that drink and talk to us.

LuLu13

Welcome, the only solution is to commit to not drinking. It is great you recognize there is a problem but you are the only one that can change your situation. Coming here was a great first step but you need to figure out a plan for long term sobriety that works for you. I have found this to be easier when sober ;-)

DorianLastname

The deep breath I can take. Dumping the drink, not so much... I feel pathetic. Just before I responded to this, I tried to find my wine. I lifted up an empty bottle twice, until I found the full one.

Part of the problem is, I can be very functional even if I'm terribly drunk. At this point I'm wasted. And I'm perfectly able to post here. I've been in situations where I had 3 bottles of wine and afterwards people told me that they wondered if I maybe had a drink, but probably not.

I can't stop it. Once I start and there is booze, I take it. This is terrible.

Lightning Bug

I do the same thing, Dorian. If I have one, I drink until I black out. Many of us do, you are not alone.

MTD

You have described me in a nutshell. Yes I too can put away 2-3 bottles of wine but I show cant function so I do and say awful things that make me feel humiliation the next day. I went seven days sober and felt healthy then last night I slipped. I find that reading and sharing with other alcoholics helps. Give it a try for a few days you will know what I am talking about.

DorianLastname

Earthsteps, I know this will happen with me tonight. I cannot stop drinking this evening. I cannot do it and it's frustrating.

Tomorrow I want to change. No more booze in my life. It works for many people and it should for me.

But how? How can I say no from now on?

Mizzuno

Well, I think that stopping right now is not going to happen. We can make this suggestion, but I know when I was drinking there was no way to stop. I do understand.
The best thing to do, is to keep talking on here and then tomorrow you can put your plan into place. I would suggest not buying any more alcohol. Please try to drink some water, and eat some food.
I understand that you are afraid of AA and your small town. The thing about this, is that not getting help will eventually lead to something fatal. It does not have to be AA. Do you have a physician? Set an appointment with him/her and be honest with your issue. Have you considered rehabilitation?

DorianLastname

MTD, thanks. I'm hoping sharing here will help.

Nighthawk8820

So what if people think you are struggling with alcoholism and going to AA? They probably already know you drink too much, so there is absolutely NO shame in trying to grow and get healthy/kick this addiction. You have to let go of the pride and to hell with what everyone else thinks. This is your life.......think about that.

Lightning Bug

Detox or rehab may be a good option, have you thought about those? Can you see a doctor? Maybe someone can drive you?

DorianLastname

Mizzuno, you explained it perfectly. I have lied to everyone about my alcoholism. I've seen doctors. I learned to not drink for a few days to get my blood levels relativrably normal for a test.

Noone knows and if they would, it is a disaster.

I know why to quit. I am sitting here, alone, drinking. I could have been married by now and very happy. That hurts.

Though the future is still open and the life I want is still possible. Only if I got rid of this terrible addiction. The lifestyle, the money, the whole life, it destroys you. And it needs to go.

Alcoholism is Hell. Yet I choose to be in it all the time.

DorianLastname

I am grateful for all the responses. It made me realize that being caught going to an AA meeting is less bad than dying a drunk...

Earthsteps, thank you for your input. I think I need to come clean about my addiction. I had this horror scenario in my head where I thought everyone would reject me if I told them. In reality, my family would probably be supportive.

Dee74

welcome DorianLastname

You'll find a lot of support here...I know what you think about AA but how do you feel about seeing a Dr?

Detox can be tricky sometimes - you may have no trouble at all, but it's best to be safe I think?

D

DorianLastname

I am very grateful for all the responses. I now know there's a community here that can help.

At this point, two things are going on:

1. I will quit tomorrow. Right now is not realistic. And if I can't do it on my own, I will be open about it to everyone it concerns. And then I'll go to rehab if necessary.

2. I'm beginning to black out a bit, so this will be my last post for today.

I'll report back once I've sobered up.

Mizzuno

Yes, Alcoholism is hell. It will kill you if left untreated. So, Dee and others have suggested Rehabilitation or going to a Doc. I think these are a few of the many steps that need to be taken. You are not alone in this. We all have been where you are at in one degree or another.
Tomorrow is decision day. Tonight can be your last night of drinking. You can do this. There are so many people who are sober and are living beautiful lives.

Be safe. I hope to see you tomorrow.

Hevyn

Welcome Dorian! I hope it helps to know you're not alone - it sure helped me when I first joined. I thought I was the only one to feel the way I did. Everyone in my life was a social drinker.

At the end of my drinking career I was doing what you are - just sucking it down out of habit. There was no fun or enjoyment in it anymore. I was just so afraid to let go of the umbilical cord. I look back now and don't understand what I was getting out of it. No amount was enough to even give me a slight buzz. That's how huge our tolerance can become.

There's good reason to be happy Dorian - you aren't settling for the miserable lifestyle you're now leading. It isn't a death sentence - you can have a new beginning. Good for you for reaching out for help. Some never see what they're doing to themselves. You're not going to let this destroy you. Stay with us and keep talking. We're all in this together.

Eleni58

First of all, you need to take the word "can't" out of your vocabulary. If you say you can't, you won't. Secondly, you have to WANT sobriety more than being drunk. Cutting down won't cut it unless you do what I did---my plan was to taper down to zero and I did so within 4 days. I have been alcohol free for 9 days now after drinking daily for 13 years. YOU CAN DO IT! POSITIVE THOUGHTS = POSITIVE RESULTS.

CAPTAINZING2000

ever stagger out of a bar in your small town ? I'd rather hold my head up high leaving sober leaving an AA meeting then stumbling down drunk somewhere. I never gave it much thought what people were thinking about me as a drunk, I sure don't give it much thought now I'm sober and I no longer make the newspaper for my last drunken arrest

terry9

Be Careful with your health- see the doctor , it is dangerous to just stop suddenly . please see your doctor for advice xxx