ippochick

so, here i am again at day 1.

thinking about it, there were huge red flags i should have heeded. i was feeling resentful that people in my treatment group were 'allowed' to drink. i felt like my husband was dismissive of the group. when we had a row on wednesday i had such a conflict.

i checked into a hotel, with wine. i didn't want to drink it, and, stupid as this sounds, i 'made' myself take that first drink.

that night and the next day were back to chaos. i called someone out on facebook, i texted people and worried them that i had slipped. i've lost my bank card.

yesterday, my husband and i came very close to splitting up. but ultimately, i love him and our little family too much. and i know that if i left, i would drink.

i need to do it different. i threw away 45 days of sobriety, and drinking turned out to be just as awful as it always was.

one of the leaders of my treatment group in in AA and has 3.5 years sober. she worked the steps and goes to meetings regularly. i'm going to ask her to take me to a meeting. i thought i had it kicked, but it turns out i was white-knuckling all along.

i feel ridiculous, embarrassed and ashamed. i know i never have to feel this way again if i can make this sober stick.

so, here we go, back into battle. thanks for the continued support, even if i don't feel i deserve it.

resolute50

Awesome that you got right back to doing what is right.
Although it's starting all over again. The 45 days were days that you weren't poisoning yourself or getting into trouble.
I'm sure you are going to beat it. There's a determination that shows in your post.

Anna

You must continue as you are Ippochick because this disease is relentless.

I'm glad you're back and working on your recovery.

Acheleus

We can never give up. Way to go getting right back up. You are strong.

hayley86

Hi Ippochick.. those 45 days sober should give you the confidence to do it again and build on it. You are strong. The fact that you are back here and posting shows your determination to beat this thing. Wishing you the very best.

Bubovski

Slips do happen and they are really annoying.
I find slips tend to create a new mind set, and this is bad.
When slipped forget it ASAP and ger right back on track.

mecanix

Hello ippochick ,

Keep on learning and working at it , you might have fallen off the sober bike but you havent thrown it in the hedge and given up . Dust yourself off and keep on

Worthwhile trying a few meetings to see what you can learn/get from them, i've never been to one but a lot of folks seem to get something from them .

Good luck , m

Leshar

Hi, Ippochick,

Your pain is palpable in your post. So sorry you're feeling this way. But you're back here, right?

One thing I'd like to comment on in your post. You said you had a row with your husband and subsequently left and went to a hotel.
Following rows with my husband, sometimes I'd take off, go to a pub and drink. He was worried about me, but I was like a petulant child, just taking off, instead of trying to work out our issues, or at the very least, just going to another room, or going for a drive, a cooling off period. I found it very difficult to apologize to him where it was warranted.

Now my dear husband is dead, and I'm feeling so terribly sad and guilty about that lost time, my behaviour. I've tried to drown those feelings and my grief in booze for the past 6 years. It's tearing me up lately as I try to deal with these feelings without drinking.

All i can say is please, think before you take off, should a major conflict arise again. don't go to a hotel, best to come back home after a time out for you both, if you feel the need for a bit of breathing space between you. I don't mean to sound preachy, I don't know about the dynamics of your marriage, but nothing gets solved by putting distance between you; you'll never get that time back...

Oh and why are some in your group allowed to drink? That doesn't make sense to me!
Take care.

MTD

I too fell last night. Had seven days and the emotions in me won. But I will not give up!! Today is a new day and it WILL be a sober one. All you can do is keep trying and don't give up. All the luck to both of us.

LuLu13

Hang in there guys, you can do this.

MatildaRose

You can get and stay sober. I know you can!

Mizzuno

I am glad you are back. Take it one day at a time.

Dee74

I'm glad you're back too.

I think rather than beating ourselves up it's better just to take the lessons, gird our loins and get back to it

I like this Hemingway quote Ippo

The world breaks everyone and afterward many are strong in the broken places.

This is recovery 2.0...updated and improved

D

awuh1

If you are like me you will never be able to just have a few. Ever.

With regard to your husband. Try your best to not repay hurts with hurt. It never ends... or if it does, it does not end well.

cbsmith

You are not alone.

wakko

Find somebody that is happy with life and has long-term sobriety then do what they do. the results are amazing

ippochick

i don't honestly know. i was told my group was for abstinent people, but it turns out they're in transition from a reduction group. the day i slipped, 2 out of 3 of them had drunk more than their recommended units - one with wine and another with spirits.

i'm away for a holiday this week, but when i get back i'm going to make an appointment with one of the group leaders to discuss my relapse and how i can let go of this resentment. i love the group, but if it's going to be constantly triggering me, i don't know what to do.

Dee74

take care of yourself on your holiday Ippo.

D

ReadyAtLast

I also don't understand how some are allowed to drink. Maybe it's some form of moderation management. For me that would not work and I could not have been near people drinking or talking about what they had drunk in very early sobriety.If it is going to trigger you are you able to find another group?Hopefully the group leader may have some ideas. It seems unreasonable for a treatment group of people trying to quit drinking to have people in it who are not quitting,merely cutting down.

Enjoy your hols and good on you for coming back so soon

Louise82

For me personally, I'd definitely not be able to be in a group like that without being triggered again and again and again. Form the start of my sobriety journey, I always knew I'd have to be in a group where everyone had the same goal of total abstinence, be that a treatment group based on abstinence instead of harm reduction, AA, SMART Recovery, Women for Sobriety etc. etc.

Have a great holiday.