Melina

Soooo, I've had a problem for several years. I thought no one knew. I thought i was a cool-ass partier, whoop whoop, shots for everyone! My chickens came home to roost within the past few months- my bf complained of my daily bad alkie morning breath. I chalked it up to improper digestion, as if he didn't smell the truth. EVERY DAY for the past year and a half, I've been pretending he's a dummy and its gotten to the point of ridiculousness. I've had other bf's leave me due to the same issue- my verbally abusive behavior at night and my stink in the morning. I was recently begged by my dying alcoholic mother to go into rehab, I was offered rehab from my dad which I refused and downplayed my drinking. I was all about 'abstinent August' and here I find myself with some delicious cold white wine and popped one of my Mom's marinols bc I decided that sleeping was just too boring to wait for. Every time I drink, I drink too much, I can't remember what I do, I offend friends and family. My sister saw my behavior while we were taking care of my Mom on hospice this past month. She is SO on to me. She can drink normally and she knows exactly what alcoholic behavior is. She called me out on it and I admitted to her that I can not drink normally, I have no concept of moderation. When she said I am worse than my Mom ever was, I got scared. Then I grabbed all my Mom's Ativan and medical marijuana pills after she passed so I could 'safely detox' myself. I have tried to drink every way I can to make it 'alright' and I get wasted every time. I get pissed when ppl suggest I just have 2 or 3 drinks and enjoy my night. Are you kidding me? How can you enjoy an evening on such little fuel? I don't know what to do with myself. I don't feel like going to a rehab, I don't drive drunk since I learned to drink by myself at home. The first slice of feeling bored that goes through me at night even after a whole day of being proudly sober, I say screw it and reward myself with wine. And some pills if I have them. I'm not addicted to pills but they sure are fun when around. Only free though, like from my recently departed Mom's stash. It's really the booze that I want. I have absolutely no idea what to do with myself. Now when I drink, it's to obliterate my mind. And I get to erase the next two days as well- one with a hangover and the next (when I feel better) figuring out how to tell anyone that might wanna know what I'm up to that I just wanna chill at my house alone and relax. But what I really do is pound white wine and whiskey like it was my job, setting me up for the next hangover day and then drinking afternoon/night after that. I do not know what to do with myself. I feel like everyone is on to my lies and hiding and I hate that. But I also hate how I need a drink more than I need my family, a job, a future and a relationship. I'm a big liar. I told my sister that I don't mind being a mess or having problems in my life bc I can overcome them, and that what I hate is for other people to look at me like I'm a mess. She said, you may have hidden it well, and I bet you've been hiding it for way longer than you admit, but you are THAT GIRL. An OBVIOUS MESS. And here I am on SR, drinking a glass of wine, on my dead Mom's pills, taking advantage that the bf was so tired he passed out so I'm on the porch trying to figure out how I'm going to justify the whole bottle of wine that won't be in the fridge tomorrow. I need help, and I'm scared of myself. Why do I keep doing this? How do I stop? Can I stop? I was all about Abstinent August and its been a day and a half sober and I couldn't hack it. I thought I was stronger than this..... Beat me up, cheer me on, anything is ok. I thrive on constructive criticism, debate and I even have a shred of humility I will show if necessary, but I do need support and advice. Thank you all in advance. Many of the posts in here have helped me maintain a sober night here and there, I just don't know how to maintain a string of them leading to a lifetime of freedom from this ****.

CAPTAINZING2000

comes a point in every person's life they hit a cross roads.

I took a wrong road many years back and it was a real long detour to make a life worth living. Not too many people check this site out unless there's a problem with themselves or family member. Every one else is on f.b instead !

Melina

Captainzing2000, I think what I'm trying to do is get everyone to stfu so they stop talking about my crossroads and I can just keep drinking and pretend its all friendly-like, the way I used to be before ppl started noticing I drink a bottle of white wine in a half hour and then look for Jamo. Why can't I just drink? Why does my mind have to melt and I have to tell everyone the 'truth' about how fat they are and making bad choices? Why can't I remember ppl I've met? Why is my bf afraid of me when I drink? Why am I afraid of him when he drinks? Why do I have several random acquaintances tell me I've punched them or severely offended them when they see me and I have no clue what they're talking about? Coming to terms with being THAT GIRL makes me want to be sober forever and it also makes me want to crawl into a bottle. Why is the crawling into a bottle urge so much stronger than the putting on my big girl panties urge? Whenever I drink I think it's bc I deserve it- it was a good day, it was a bad day, I'm tired, I'm not tired, it's the dog's bday, whatever. I just want to drink my face off all the time. Why does everyone have to notice now that I'm out of line? I embarrass them and they say I embarrass myself but I always say that it's ok bc I don't remember. And when I say that I'm looked at with true hostility from my bf and a deep pity from my family. I don't want to look like a mess. I was hot stuff in my opinion, in looks, education, ambition and jobs. Now I get called less on interviews in my field and I can't even try to spin my awesomeness with friends, family and bf. They just keep saying I need so much help, and i look like **** and this will be a life-long process and I will have to eat a lot of humble pie, etc. What happened to the party? Everyone else is still drinking, why am I the a-hole?

Dee74

Hi melina

Noone here will tell you that you have to do anything - but comes a time when you have to weigh it up yourself - is drinking really worth all the other stuff?

You can be like me and pretend it is, until your life reputation and health is totally ruined and there's no place left for denial to hide, or you can square your jaw and decide to do something about it now before things hit defcon4

Unfair - I certainly thought so, but I changed - I realised that I'd been hiding an authentic self for years...I didn't even like partying that much, it was just a way to drink with some degree of social sanction....

I still have fun tho in recovery - and a lot of joy too.

I hope you'll decide to join me and the hundreds of others here - what have you got to lose, really?

D

Melina

Dee74, I'm afraid of sobriety. I'm afraid of saying no to a delicious freezing cold glass of champagne. Isn't it my friend? Isn't this what us foodies that are civilized ppl do? We go out and enjoy some oysters with champagne, then a little vodka, then some white wine for the lobster bisque, some red wine for the ribeye and then as many shots as we can get for dessert. And if we're at home alone, a $3 bottle of Chardonnay will do. Alcohol lies to me about how attractive it is. I feel like alcohol tells me it needs me, for those oysters, for that bisque, for when you get home and need a bottle of Chardonnay or some Jameson to level you out from that nice dinner and just bring that nice buzz all on home again. Alcohol makes me tell my bf I'm gonna run along home now to sleep after a nice night out. We live a block away. He respects my privacy. He doesn't know I go home after a night of moderation and being pleasantly buzzed together that I pound white wine, sometimes streaming down my arms and hold Jameson close as if it were a baby. I believe I have a serious problem and I don't know how to stop, at all. I pictured a whole month of sobriety bc I joined a gym August 1 and I p,edged to myself 31 workouts in 31 days, after 6 years of not working out. I have to wake up to him tmro wondering where the whole bottle of wine in his fridge went. I'm afraid of myself.

ReadyAtLast

hi Melina
welcome to SR.I'm female too and can relate to your post. What I got away with in my teens and early 20s as cute, funny, dipsy etc when drunk soon turned into me being thought of as the embarrassing, pitiful drunken mess when I was hitting 30. It's not fun anymore for me or anyone else.It's just shameful and embarrassing for everyone

For me, I had to accept I could not drink like other people. I blacked out regularly and couldn't remember conversations or what I'd done. I still didn't think I had a problem. by mid 30s I really could see the effect drink had taken- on my looks,skin,hair, weight,mental function. I'd not progressed the way I 'd hoped in either my career or personal life and blamed everyone else for it. Looking back alcohol had taken control of my life and I was ruining my life my continuing to drink.

I only quit nearly 8 months ago after several failed attempts and I can honestly say my life has improved immensely. You have to really want to be sober-you can do it.for me, my first and most crucial method of support is SR. Taking 1 day at a time, at least in the beginning helps. Maybe join the monthly class in Newcomers. Avoid temptation, throw the booze away, avoid bars and clubs,at least in the short term.

your posts are full of your Addictive Voice (AV) talking. I found reading about Rational Recovery-Addictive Voice REcognition Technique immenselyhelpfulin understanding my feelings. It's about separating your brain from your beast brain where 'you' want to stop drinking but your beast brain wants to keep drinking. It explains the thoughts to you and gives helpful tips on dealing with it. Rational REcovery-Jack Trimpney can be bought off Amazon or you can go on their website.

Melina

Thank you, Ready at Last, your support means a lot. I want to have a sober life but I don't want to be sober to do it. I'm terrified. I'm 38 with no responsibilities other than being good to my family and friends which are all great with me. I just see myself losing ppl in my life as they understand how effed up I am. The concern and pressure is growing amongst my loved ones. I just want to reject them all so I can continue my own party. It's awful and selfish.

Dee74

I think everyone here was terrified of sobriety Melina....I was...but I was terrified of not changing too.

I'm not going to fight you or your Addictive Voice tho
In the end, deep down, I think you know which way you need to go, anyway

You'll find a lot of support here - you're not alone. We understand.

D

ReadyAtLast

Hi Melina,I'm 38 too. This can be done.If I can do it anyone can At the end of the day you have to want to do it for yourself. I can relate to losing people.I messed up so many relationships and friendships. everyone else was settling down and I just wanted to keep partying.The pool of men got smaller and smaller as the decent men settled down and I was left dating the drunks, like me,often abusive. I still didn't see I had a problem and didn't realize I was looking old,haggard and I was a drunk too.

Taking the first step coming to SR shows you know you have a problem and want to do something about it. You can have a sober life- it takes work but it can be done. You've just got to put the bottle down to start. My emotions were flying all over the place in the first few weeks but it does get easier and I 'm now much more able to deal with things sober and make amends with myself and others. Life still has it's ups anddowns of course but it's a hell of a lot better sober.

For the early days, tip the booze away,sleep as and when you need to, eat well,drink lots and lots of water and stick around SR. Many people find AA helps though I don't use it personally.

CAPTAINZING2000

Had I heeded advice from people that cared for me years back, I'd of had a smoother path down life's highway.

instant

In the end I worked out that alcohol had completely highjacked my emotional system. It took me six months to start to get it back. But it came back!! In time it was easy to see that all those fond memories about the specialness of alcohol were a product of my addiction.

I now love living sober- life is easier, more fun and stuff gets done. I am living again instead of being stuck in a prison.

newpower

I had a choice. You have a choice. Drink or not drink and deal with the results.

My last drink ended up by me being dragged away by the poilice because I couldn't see any other way out but jumping in front of the train.

That saved my life.

Its scary not drinking really scary. But drinking is more scary.

Sounds like you need to make a choice because it wont get any better it only gets worse. There is no rock bottom because you can always get lower.

Get to an aa meeting there are people who understand and can support you and just like us know how you feel.

Its hard to stop alone but togeher we can stop one day at a time

workoholic

Melina,
I am here for just over a month and I have found lots of help and advice. Even more important, the sense of support and not being alone in this. Lots of people have drinking problem that they hide as well as they can and try to deny. You will find this site very helpful. Quitting drinking isn't easy but there are many here who are proof that it can be done.

Zencat

There is hope. Knowing how to stop meant I needed to ask more questions about recovering from a drinking problem than identifying all the problems because of drinking. Confusion is typical when weighing the seemingly positive effects of intoxication over the overwhelming negative consequences of drinking. Its called ambivalence. Its something you can work-through and being here at SR can help all the way around.
Hope to see you posting more.
Take good care.

GracieLou

I did that very thing.

I rejected everyone around me. I wanted them to go away. I wanted to be left alone to drink like I wanted to.

I can tell you it did not take long to fall right over the edge. Looking back now I was surprised how fast it happened. I drank for 26 years so drinking was not a new thing for me but it appeared that I always kept my head a little above water.

I was married twice and had a BF here and there. I have two children so I had that responsibility as well. I have a job and bills to pay etc.

Two years ago I got to a place in my life that I had no real responsibilities. I had work and my dog/cats. That was all I had. I finally got what I wanted, to drink the way I wanted to. Be careful what you wish for.

As I stated it did not take long. I started falling down deeper and deeper. I was already drinking everyday but now on the weekends or if I called off work, I was drinking at 11 am, then 10 am and before I knew it I was two cups of coffee straight to a drink or pouring whiskey into my second cup of coffee at six in the morning and it was an all day drunk.

I am not sure why I had a moment of sanity or clarity. I only know I had it. I can't explain it and I gave up wondering why. I called AA and I went to a meeting.

I won't get into all the AA details but I am 4 months sober. I have a life now. I did not get my life back, I got a new one. In this one I am happy, I think maybe for the first time. I have met wonderful people and made friends that are on the same journey I am on and understand were I was and were I am at today.

I never would have dared to dream and to be honest I did not dream. I did not want to stop drinking and I did not want to change. Now I cannot wait for the new path that lays before me. I am afraid but I am willing to try and to take advice and seek help.

Reaching out my hand and taking that leap of faith was the first step and I am so glad today that my all my fears, resentments, self pity and arrogance stepped a side, if only for a brief moment, so I could ask and accept help.

Sasha4

Melina, I am glad you found us.

I have over 534 days without a drink.
My career is on the up.
I am a better mum.
I am a nicer person.
I have no guilt anymore.

I am not covering my tracks or lying to anyone anymore.
No bottles to hide.
Not having to justify why I drank too much.

For me no problem is worth drinking over.
For me drinking is not a reward.
For me drinking is certainly not civilised behaviour.
When I am drunk, it would not matter if I was eating a tinned tuna or lobster.

It does not matter if I am drinking Moet or gut rock cheap stinking vodka.
It all makes me act stupid, blackout, hurt people I love, be irresponsible.

Being a posh drunk does not make me any better than someone is homeless begging for money for their drink.
It just means that I have not got there yet.

Come here, read and learn and post away.
There are many people who understand.

It might be a bit easier if you break your typing up too.
A big post of text with no spaces is hard to read.
That would be a big help.

I wish you the best xx

Fandy

welcome Melina...
in 2010 i was you, only i continued drinking in a similar fashion more or less for another 10 years...it did not get any better than the questions you are asking yourself..it got worse. wait until menopause joins the party.
Have you had any extended sobriety time?
mixing the ativan with the booze is not a good thing to do.
good for you on joining a gym...it's hard to do this while you are drinking heavy.
what do you want most? health and happiness, not to have booze oozing out of your pores?
you might want to consider a visit to your doctor and be honest as you were here.
feel free to ask lots of questions, pm me anytime if you want too.
i can honestly say that it is better to be sober...i was sober for my mother's funeral....i'm glad you have family and a relationship...you can lose their support if you keep drinking....they simply get sick of hearing your excuses

LadyBlue0527

Welcome to the board Melina!

There are a lot of people here who can completely identify with you (one being me) and there's a wealth of information on routes to take to help you.

YOU CAN DO THIS!

least

to SR! I hope you can quit drinking for good. The sober life is so worth it.

MeSoSober

Most of us were. With almost four months sober, I still kind of am. Your mileage will vary, but speaking for myself, I am still gradually getting myself used to the idea of lifetime sobriety/abstinence, and my Addictive Voice still chuckles when I use that term "lifetime sobriety" (yeah, RIGHT). But I reached a tipping point where something had to give. My drinking binges were getting longer and more frequent, and the consequences were growing more and more dire. I was on the fast track to completely effing up my life and I didn't want that for myself.

And getting back to that lifetime sobriety thing, I can only live a lifetime one moment at a time, and for each of those moments I can choose not to drink. You can too!

Your saying that you were "all about Abstinent August and its been a day and a half sober and I couldn't hack it" raises the question -- did you have a PLAN in place to help you stay sober? A plan to do things differently and set yourself up to stay sober? For many, if not most of us, simply removing alcohol from the picture without changing the picture won't cut it.

We're all glad you're here and if you need support to quit or a listening ear or whatever, you're in the right place!