Having a drink while I peruse SR

Old 08-03-2013, 06:57 AM
  # 21 (permalink)  
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Melina, fellow Chicagoan here. So many of the things you said resonated with me. I am three days sober from being a 2-3x a week binger after graduating college. I have a long way to go, but this site has already helped me gain so much insight and inspiration.

A lifetime of sobriety scares me too, immensely. But one of the things I've worked on my entire life (whether related to alcohol or not) is living one day at a time. Every day you don't turn to the bottle is another day closer.

For me, the party's over. Once I started perusing this site (a few months ago, I wasn't quite "ready" yet), I was CONSCIOUSLY aware I was a problem drinker.

And while I'm only three days - I am PROUD of myself, proud of the changes I have put in place and my plan. I never woke up feeling proud after a binge. That feeling isn't worth it to me anymore.
Is it worth it to you?? <3
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Old 08-03-2013, 07:01 AM
  # 22 (permalink)  
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PS. We'd love to have you at Class of August 2013!
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Old 08-03-2013, 07:18 AM
  # 23 (permalink)  
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I was also terrified of sobriety, but more terrified of becoming a statistic. There was no doubt where I was headed. I went through a brutal divorce with my lover, alcohol. But I actually like me now, and have no desire to reunite with that lover.
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Old 08-03-2013, 07:52 AM
  # 24 (permalink)  
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Sooner or later you realize you're really the only one left at the're drinking alone in your own little world. It's like when you're little and you hide your eyes..."ha ha, I can't see you so you can't see me!". Well ya, apparently they see us...drunk and wretched and ridiculous. If only we could pretend they didn't see us...didn't know. Why they gotta keep holding up that mirror reflection? I don't want to look! Shut up..quitting telling me what I said last night...what I did. Look away dammit!

Ya doesn't work that way. I'm 2 months sober (hey, yesterday). I feel like I'm "surfacing". It is impossible to see the wonder of sobriety while your mind is marinating. I was worried I wouldn't like food anymore...that I couldn't enjoy a meal if I didn't have a good glass of wine to compliment the flavour (lmao...ya who was I really kidding?). Ya..I still eat..quite a bit actually.

Come on in..the water's fine.
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Old 08-03-2013, 08:01 AM
  # 25 (permalink)  
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Hi Melina,

Welcome to SR! It sounds like you are really at the point of being honest with yourself. When I reached that point, I was able to make a big change in my life for the better. I'd like to respond to a few of your words with some of my own experiences.

Originally Posted by Melina View Post
I'm afraid of sobriety.
I was too. I remember saying as I started to quit, that I "loved" drinking. I am embarrassed now to have used that term. I certainly did not love it. I have learned that my Addictive Voice is what was driving that feeling. I love my family, friends, etc. rather than alcohol, and now I am able to express that properly.

Originally Posted by Melina View Post
Isn't this what us foodies that are civilized ppl do?
Some civilized people drink. But when I was drinking my behavior was often far from civilized.

Originally Posted by Melina View Post
Alcohol lies to me about how attractive it is.
This is the key insight. I got tired of being lied to. I got tired of being played for a sucker.

Originally Posted by Melina View Post
I feel like alcohol tells me it needs me
Another really deep insight: notice that you did not even say that you need alcohol, but that it needs you! In my experience, this external thing was on me like a parasite.

Originally Posted by Melina View Post
I believe I have a serious problem and I don't know how to stop, at all.
You can stop. As others have said, you need a plan. There are many ways. You can call AA, for example. In fact, you can look up your local number and call RIGHT NOW. Why not? Or you can do secular methods. The key is that you are at the point of decision and for the sake of your very life, you should not hesitate to move forward. There are a lot of people on this board who will support and help you. Have faith that life can be different and better, because it can!
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Old 08-03-2013, 08:13 AM
  # 26 (permalink)  
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if I had a friend that made me act like your friend s makin you act, I would have to toss that friend.
actually, I did. that friend was alcohol. it made me act just as you describe, then pass in the next morning being told what I said and what I did( sometimes, it was only a brownout I was in and I remembered lil pieces of the insanity), full of remorse, guilt, terrow, bewilderment....then off for a drink...again.

sobriety was the scariest friggin thing I ever faced. fear of the unknown: life without alcohol.
but I had only one option left: suicide.
i got there by having just about everyone throw me out of their lives( i don't blame them one bit). the ones that were still there??? didn't trust me one bit( don't blame em)but it was my then fiancÚ tellin me the morning after a rip snortin backout drunk what i had done and said the day/night before( it was the most inopportune time), then tellin me,"get out!! get the f**k out!!" that i had finally admitted to myself i had a problem and had to do something about it.
so what to do? went through all the things i did in the past. they didn't work. kept narrowin my choices down.
ended up with either suicide or AA. i chose AA and was only givin it a few months. if nothing changed, i was onto the other option, which would have been by a self inflicted bottle wound.they can take a looong time for death to finally happen.
that program showed me alcohol was a symptom of deeper underlying issues. showed me the causes and conditions of my anger, rage, self pity, self justification, self importance, resentments,and most of all, the root of all the fear i lived my entire life with. plus how to fix it.
that was 8+ years ago. haven't had a drink since and have been granted a life, a life i never would have thought possible.
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Old 08-03-2013, 08:15 AM
  # 27 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by Melina View Post
Captainzing2000, I think what I'm trying to do is get everyone to stfu so they stop talking about my crossroads and I can just keep drinking and pretend its all friendly-like, the way I used to be before ppl started noticing I drink a bottle of white wine in a half hour and then look for Jamo. Why can't I just drink? Why does my mind have to melt and I have to tell everyone the 'truth' about how fat they are and making bad choices? Why can't I remember ppl I've met? Why is my bf afraid of me when I drink? Why am I afraid of him when he drinks? Why do I have several random acquaintances tell me I've punched them or severely offended them when they see me and I have no clue what they're talking about? Coming to terms with being THAT GIRL makes me want to be sober forever and it also makes me want to crawl into a bottle. Why is the crawling into a bottle urge so much stronger than the putting on my big girl panties urge? Whenever I drink I think it's bc I deserve it- it was a good day, it was a bad day, I'm tired, I'm not tired, it's the dog's bday, whatever. I just want to drink my face off all the time. Why does everyone have to notice now that I'm out of line? I embarrass them and they say I embarrass myself but I always say that it's ok bc I don't remember. And when I say that I'm looked at with true hostility from my bf and a deep pity from my family. I don't want to look like a mess. I was hot stuff in my opinion, in looks, education, ambition and jobs. Now I get called less on interviews in my field and I can't even try to spin my awesomeness with friends, family and bf. They just keep saying I need so much help, and i look like **** and this will be a life-long process and I will have to eat a lot of humble pie, etc. What happened to the party? Everyone else is still drinking, why am I the a-hole?

You're awesome for even reaching out. It's really hard to do. For me, admitting that I wasn't able to drink like everyone else is what took me the longest and was the biggest step towards my sobriety. My suggestions are to find someone living a sober life so you can see that there is life after booze, and that life is pretty great without being messed up all the time. I'd try to find a meeting. Go and just listen. See if it resonates. You can't do it alone. Post here, get a support system, go to as many meetings as you can. Soon you'll look back and regret not doing it sooner. You'd be amazed at how awesome a sober life can be. I know I am.
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Old 08-03-2013, 08:44 AM
  # 28 (permalink)  
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In order for me to not drink, I have to be willing to live life sober. Even though I didn't know what they meant, or how it would feel.

I had to commit to sobriety, and not make it contingent on how I feel or what is going on in my life.

I start my day by asking myself, what is sober me going to accomplish today.

Until I was willing to live sober and commit myself to that I was setting myself up. And until I was willing to commit to living sober i kept creating situations that gave me an "excuse" to fail and drink again.

I don't even make that laundry lists of "even if's" as in " I will live sober even if I lose my job, lose a relationship, etc." has to be "I will live sober."
No loopholes.
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Old 08-03-2013, 09:43 AM
  # 29 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by Melina View Post
Soooo, I've had a problem for several years. I thought no one knew. I thought i was a cool-ass partier, whoop whoop, shots for everyone! My chickens came home to roost within the past few months- my bf complained of my daily bad alkie morning breath. I chalked it up to improper digestion, as if he didn't smell the truth. EVERY DAY for the past year and a half, I've been pretending he's a dummy and its gotten to the point of ridiculousness. I've had other bf's leave me due to the same issue- my verbally abusive behavior at night and my stink in the morning. I was recently begged by my dying alcoholic mother to go into rehab, I was offered rehab from my dad which I refused and downplayed my drinking. I was all about 'abstinent August' and here I find myself with some delicious cold white wine and popped one of my Mom's marinols bc I decided that sleeping was just too boring to wait for. Every time I drink, I drink too much, I can't remember what I do, I offend friends and family. My sister saw my behavior while we were taking care of my Mom on hospice this past month. She is SO on to me. She can drink normally and she knows exactly what alcoholic behavior is. She called me out on it and I admitted to her that I can not drink normally, I have no concept of moderation. When she said I am worse than my Mom ever was, I got scared. Then I grabbed all my Mom's Ativan and medical marijuana pills after she passed so I could 'safely detox' myself. I have tried to drink every way I can to make it 'alright' and I get wasted every time. I get pissed when ppl suggest I just have 2 or 3 drinks and enjoy my night. Are you kidding me? How can you enjoy an evening on such little fuel? I don't know what to do with myself. I don't feel like going to a rehab, I don't drive drunk since I learned to drink by myself at home. The first slice of feeling bored that goes through me at night even after a whole day of being proudly sober, I say screw it and reward myself with wine. And some pills if I have them. I'm not addicted to pills but they sure are fun when around. Only free though, like from my recently departed Mom's stash. It's really the booze that I want. I have absolutely no idea what to do with myself. Now when I drink, it's to obliterate my mind. And I get to erase the next two days as well- one with a hangover and the next (when I feel better) figuring out how to tell anyone that might wanna know what I'm up to that I just wanna chill at my house alone and relax. But what I really do is pound white wine and whiskey like it was my job, setting me up for the next hangover day and then drinking afternoon/night after that. I do not know what to do with myself. I feel like everyone is on to my lies and hiding and I hate that. But I also hate how I need a drink more than I need my family, a job, a future and a relationship. I'm a big liar. I told my sister that I don't mind being a mess or having problems in my life bc I can overcome them, and that what I hate is for other people to look at me like I'm a mess. She said, you may have hidden it well, and I bet you've been hiding it for way longer than you admit, but you are THAT GIRL. An OBVIOUS MESS. And here I am on SR, drinking a glass of wine, on my dead Mom's pills, taking advantage that the bf was so tired he passed out so I'm on the porch trying to figure out how I'm going to justify the whole bottle of wine that won't be in the fridge tomorrow. I need help, and I'm scared of myself. Why do I keep doing this? How do I stop? Can I stop? I was all about Abstinent August and its been a day and a half sober and I couldn't hack it. I thought I was stronger than this..... Beat me up, cheer me on, anything is ok. I thrive on constructive criticism, debate and I even have a shred of humility I will show if necessary, but I do need support and advice. Thank you all in advance. Many of the posts in here have helped me maintain a sober night here and there, I just don't know how to maintain a string of them leading to a lifetime of freedom from this ****.

We all come to that crossroad where we need to choose if we want to change and get sober, knowing it will be scary and a lot of work, or keep on drinking until death. You are at that crossroad, so you have a big choice to make. Life without alcohol is SO much more freeing and limitless. Alcohol robs your soul of everything you are or could be.
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Old 08-03-2013, 08:02 PM
  # 30 (permalink)  
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Ummmm, wow. I'm overwhelmed and grateful for the support. All these wonderful responses, directed at me, wheeeeee! Instead of lurking and gleaning, I told the truth about myself and look what happened! IM NOT ALONE! And I don't have to lie! About anything!

I can't respond to all the great bits of everyone's replies that hit me, but I will soon. I just wanted to say THANK YOU!

One thing I did notice about myself and what I wrote is my supreme arrogance that I am different and somehow special and that should entitle me to drink. That is something I will need to face. Another thing I noticed is that my mind was preparing responses and replies and stories today that would justify why I get to drink. But I can't even fool the non-alkies in my life or even myself, so I'm certainly not gonna get a pass from you guys. And that's why I'm here, after all.

I also really liked how someone said how strong my AV is in my posts. Yuppppppp. I have to learn how to subdue that thirsty evil wolf.

I don't know when I will put the bottle down, I don't know what it will take. I am becoming frightened of myself and very frightened of how foggy my brain is. I wasn't even hungover today, I was basically drunk all morning til I got to take a nap. No bueno. We went to the farmers market this morning, bought some stuff and as we were walking to the car I realized I couldn't tell you one thing we had purchased over the course of the previous 45 minutes. Scary.

I need help, I need a recovery plan. I won't be a stranger here. I will try to not whine about why I can't drink like normal people. Why should I care? Why is it so important to me? I have made alcohol the center of my life, what a stupid stupid thing to idolize.

I just want to say thanks again to everyone for the warm welcome and wise words.

Last edited by Melina; 08-03-2013 at 08:03 PM. Reason: Misspelling
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Old 08-03-2013, 08:08 PM
  # 31 (permalink)  
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Hi Melina, This all sounds familiar to me. Even to the point of a loved one telling me I was a mess. It really was the alcohol for me. I made a plan to taper down and that worked. It helps to have support like this site. Mostly it is a choice that only you can make. You can get rid of the alcohol. You can make that choice. We are here for you.
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Old 08-03-2013, 08:22 PM
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No Melina, you most certainly are not alone!

Keep coming around and posting, reading, and asking!

There is a great group here that will always answer!
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Old 08-03-2013, 10:16 PM
  # 33 (permalink)  
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The problem with drinking ourselves solitary is that, well, we're all alone most of the time. That may seem like a great thing for a time, but when we relearn that we do need other people, we generally just make yet another mess of it.

When I relapsed, I alienated everyone who was important to me in my life, including my colleagues and clients. I tried to convince myself that I didn't care and that I didn't need anyone else anyway. That worked, right up until the moment that all the walls started crashing down around me. Not a good place to be, and not a pretty sight.

Letting in helpful and caring people has brought me back to sanity. I see it happen here frequently.
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