Acheleus

Thank you Mizz. I'm trying to understand my alcoholism, but I think I need to quit thinking about it and just focus on improving my life. My counselor told me to let myself off the hook and not hate myself so much, so I am trying to forgive myself and move forward instead of stewing in self-loathing. I cannot do this anymore.

Mizzuno

Yes, I think this is a great idea. Working on your self esteem will help you in all areas. I like this suggestion that your therapist has given. Please allow yourself to breathe. Talk to yourself like you would a friend. You deserve to be happy.
For what it is worth, I think you are great Acheleus. The lot of us do.

Acheleus

Yes I will remind myself that I have good qualities and that I will not always be alone. I am not worthless, and I deserve to live my life without torturing myself.

Soberpotamus

I'd like to suggest a workbook. I'm reading through it now. Bought it a few weeks ago. It's called The Dialectical Behavior Therapy Skills Workbook by McKay, Wood and Brantley. There are four aspects or skills of DBT: distress tolerance, mindfulness, emotional regulation and interpersonal effectiveness. Was started by Marsha Linehan in the early 90's. Might be something that could help you once you do get a bit more sober days strung together, Acheleus. It's helping me anyway. I somehow relate very much to what you say and where you are coming from at times, so my hunch is that you could benefit from this book and technique.

Sent from my iPhone using SoberRecovery

Acheleus

Thank you for the book suggestion Jennie. I will order it and study it after I get a week or two together. Tomorrow I will go to a meeting and reach out to whoever can help me. I am going to get through this even though I feel alone and frightened. All I need is the help of other alcoholics and time.

Dee74

I'm glad you feel a little better Ach

D

Acheleus

Thank you Dee. I feel so good when I am posting every day on SR and staying mindful of my recovery. Day 2 tomorrow and feeling prepared for the long haul, going to go to meetings so I don't isolate and feel so lonely.

newpower

I struggle if I don't attend aa regularly.

There are some amazing supporting people there.

Get some numbers talk to people get support.

Where all here for you as well.

together we can do it.

Acheleus

Yes together we can do it. I'm not going to let myself destroy myself, I am going to get back on my feet. I just want to cry and beat myself up for going back out and wasting time. I just have to remind myself that I am not a sick, destructive person when I am sober, it is only when drunk that I **** people off and turn into an ass. The real me is nice and good, so I am going to grow into who I really am, and I know that I am not alone because of all the people on SR and in AA. Thank you guys for giving me hope.

Soberpotamus

You can do this. Just give yourself the chance to get off and running. You have a great plan... to get around others who understand. And keep posting here

You know we will all cheer you on!

newpower

Remember no matter how bad things are they can only get worse with a drink.

You only have to stay sober just for today.

even if you have to hide in bed or a rock for right now just don't drink.

splintercell

Don’t be too hard on yourself. Take each day and keep on moving forward. Some days might be easier than others but always remember you can!

What is important is that you recognize you need help and you are getting help! That is the first and most important step! Well done and good luck!

Nuudawn

Hey...I really think that AA is going to prove a good thing for you. You need some warm souls around you in the real world...not just cyberville. As wonderful and amazing SR, I think you need some allies right there nearby too! Quit kicking yourself around. Perhaps you needed a wee bit more convincing that alcohol is not the answer. Guess what? You just gotta keep doing what your doing! The therapist, AA...new med's..these are all way better solutions to "dealing" than alcohol...you went back and it didn't solve anything did it? What it did is just give you more evidence that life is probably better done sober.

As an aside I was actually googling tips on "how to make conversation" the other day. In mingling sort of situations I really suck at it. Anyhoo, I ended up reading another article on the website (or blog) about why the author gave up drinking. She wasn't an alcoholic but she realized she didn't like how she acted when she was drinking. She said it only took her a few to become argumentative with her husband..and talk too loud and just generally embarrass herself. She eventually just decided to give the whole gig up all together. She said it's difficult at times but the rewards are far better as she feels better about herself. What bothered her the most was how long it took her to realize she didn't actually "like" drinking...didn't like what it did to her...but fell into it because everyone does it sort of thing. She realized it took her longer than it should have to be true to herself. I found the article pretty interesting actually.

Acheleus

Yes I accept that I cannot drink. Now I just need to be diligent with my plan and try to work through my anxiety. I am always sad and alone, but one day I will learn to calm down and feel good, all I can worry about now is staying sober. I am just so disappointed in myself. Thank you all for the positive words and support. School starts in ten days and I have to do a teacher training thing starting Monday. One reason I relapsed I think is because I don't believe in myself and I am scared to start teaching, plus I have to think of what to do for a job when I get through. All I want is to be calm and believe in myself, but I know that the false confidence I get from booze only lasts an hour before I turn mean and self-destructive. I'm pretty hungry so I may go get a snack. I only ate one time today.

Acheleus

Thanks Nuudawn. I always look forward to your posts and your wisdom. I know booze will not work, it never has and never will, but I remember on day 39 or 40 in June I started to feel more comfortable and talkative with people. If I can go that long I can get back on the train, and I have to post here everyday. I will post and tell how the meeting went, but I really need a sponsor so I am going to try and get one tomorrow. Also, I will start new medicine tomorrow for anxiety, it's not a benzo, so I know it won't be something I can get addicted to. Thanks again Nuudawn, I hope you are doing well. I appreciate your support.

360shoes

You know Acheleus, as an ex self beater upper myself, the best thing I learned to do was get out of my head. It took a lot of practice but now I'm pretty good at just letting the thoughts go. There is the part of me in my head that I need to navigate around in this world and the part of me that is in my heart. The one in my heart never let's me down. My thoughts?? Just thoughts. That's not the real me.

You are more than your thoughts.

Acheleus

Thank you 360. I just hate the way I act when drunk, and I lose control of my self. But the further away I get from my last drunk the more time I can spend being proud of my self for not drinking and embarrassing myself and others. I should be proud of myself for posting here and understanding how serious my problem is. I am 27 years old and I don't want the rest of my life to be wasted with this stupid behavior. It's dark now but I know the light will come, I just have to find some, somewhere.

360shoes

I think you found some of your answer. You sounded like you felt pretty bad earlier. You reached out and now you sound like you are feeling better. You did that. You do know how to be good to yourself. Just keep moving forward Acheleus. You can do it.