Saraha

Hi all.I'm still at my wits end. Cannot decide between leaving my ah and staying. Well want to leave. Don't want to. Live without him eother,but let's face it if he hasn't stopped in plus twenty yrs,he isn't going to stop now. Have trie a lot with him even been bankrupted almost,lost a car and now just stuck in a big black hole of fear and indecision. Torn between my love for him,I know I can't fix the addiction but he is my love and I'm torn. Sometimes I'm full of despai and the whole situation wears me out. With all that just the idea of leaving also scary. I'm weak at times,I know. My fears paralyse me in my head. For reading

visch1

I'd strongly suggest going to Al Anon meetings for help and also here:

Friends and Family of Alcoholics - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information

BE WELL

Saraha

Thank u Visch.Then pple wuld know who I was and find out his problem.Also worse my child may find out.

visch1

Saraha, your reaching out about your difficulty which is far from an unknown circumstance in this age. Isn't your and your child's life worth letting a few people help you? Unfortunately most children learn from observation and unfortunately later in life repeat what they observed so it would help you to seek help ASAP in my view. BE WELL

least

to SR! It's a matter of deciding how you want to continue raising your child. In a troubled marriage with an alcoholic or on your own in a peaceful home. Kids notice a lot more than we realize and it can damage them living like that. I understand your loving him but what's more important - you and your child's peace of mind or staying with an alcoholic in a troubled marriage? I wish you the best no matter what you do.

Saraha

To Visch and Least. Firstly thank you to both of you for ur kind words.Hubby is actually on coke,not alcohol. He was on crack for many yrs. Last two yrs its been coke. The thing is the child is still young enough not to know what is going on. Ie that dad is an addict. I just told her that dad has his issues which have nothing to do with us or our behaviour,because that the only way I culd explain the long hours he was out and his going out of the house during the crack yrs. Those were hellish yrs. Now he is home mostly and I don't have to explain much except the sometime the mood swings ie to the child. So my thing is yes he is an active addict,but except for the driving with whoever in the car he has never put childs life in danger or stolen from me or cheated on me. Also child is old enuf to ask for joint custody. If I Tell lawyers his problem not only will child find out so may family. Ok forget family I don't want child to find out like that. Also he is a great dad,has never ill treated child. What I'm trying to say is on one hand my love keeps me here and fear of unknown been married so long. Second more imp even if I leave will I not be depriving child of their dad if I don't allow joint custody. He loving and they very close too. Then if I admit his problem in court child will find out that may affect child psychologically more than being around him half the time does. I don't know what's worse protecting thedads image and letting him have joont custody or letting childs dream of the dad be ruined and depriving them of joing custody ie time with dad. I'm so confused. Its also scary like when u in a deep hole and u just can't see ur way out. Sometimes thought of just quitting on life only twt of how it may affect child stops me. Sorry for rambling.

Anna

I'm sure it's confusing, but I assure you, your son will find out, one way or another, sooner or later. That's a given.

It might be helpful for you to talk to a lawyer and discuss the idea of joint custody and assuring yourself that your child will still have a relationship with his father.

Mizzuno

Without being harsh, and I do not intend it this way. You can not keep your husbands addiction to Cocaine a secret. In a sense, by not removing yourself from this situation you are keeping your child and yourself in a really bad place, and allowing the behavior to continue. Yes, people need to know in order to help you and more importantly help your child. This is not about people knowing or not knowing. This is about the health of your child and you. I mean, if people find out do you think this will reflect on you? He is the one with a coke problem. It is perfectly acceptable to say "No" to a situation that is not healthy. If you are afraid of him hurting, then think about the struggle that you are in with the coke problem and your life? I just think protecting his drug addiction is detrimental to everyone's health.

Saraha

Thank you Anna and Mizzuno.A bit of a lang problem between what I speak and writing in english,I did make a typo its a son I have.Keep changing gender when I translate. Its not that its that I gave my hubby my word long ago that if we ever had to divorce I would not slander his name or reveal his secrets(grass crack coke etc). Also the child literally worships the ground he walks on.Lastly he is a good dad,as far as his addiction allows. He helps with homework gives the child advice (I do too but they talk their own stuff). He takes him out eg to buy gifts for friends partys etc. Most importantly he has never hit the child becos he was hit a lot when he was a child. He also has an excellent sense of humour. Ok here's me going on about my hubby again.Secondly how will he have a normal relationship or respect his dad once he finds out he's just a tween it will shatter this whole image of his dad. Lastly if I plan joint custody I want things to be amicable,he has a temper in the sense he's told me many times before he will never divorce ne (usually when we fight. Or if I'm not happy I know where the front door is I can leave)then no he will never divorce me cos I can't manage life on my own. Ok so its not going to be easy to be on amicable terms which is what I want for the childs sake. Then add me not only telling the child but also courts etc or child finding out via court he will never forgive me,maybe he will make things X times worse I can't bring myself to ruin that image my child worships himand its hard to not only break a promise to my hubby re his secrets but also to break the childs heart. I know it may sound like I care what others think I don't,I care what the child will think the embarasm$ent of having a dad addict and knowing everyone knows aNd also I care for my hubby trweating me with some fairness and not hating me. I don't care if he moves on with his life but I still love him don't wabt to betray him as it is the divorce will come as a huge shock becos I'm waiting for skool year to end before I can apply for it (dec). Also trying to move my fam is helping me with that. His dad did find out about his prob but when he asked me I said I don't know becos that's the promise I gave my hubby and his dad was very abusive to him physically and controlling when he was a child(the hubby). Don't want to give the dad more power over his son his dad is a verynarrow minded highly educated and well off,he thinks by phoning hindred times a day and nagging and checking up he can control his child now he thinks his son stopped which is what he told his dad.His dad is controlling and a gambler ,earns well but spends a lot on gambling. His mom is a narcissist and very passive aggresive I maintain as little contact with her becos she drains me and I used to get panic attacks (not often)around her. She will probably say its all my fault and he also does say that but I did a lot of research when my child was asleep and he was out during the crack yrs and acc to what I read I cannot cure it I didn't cause it. Took me yrs to stop trying to control it. Now I just let him do whatever. He's asleep now its a school nite and he's broke today ). When. He earns again he'll be high again. Sorry for rambling I zigzagged from one issue to next sorry. I am also educated ,a professional not working he didn't have enuf money to pay my registrtn fees(annual). Whatever I earned all the years I was working is all gone now

Saraha

He is also a professional it culd affect his career he wuld lose a lot of respect,don't know about usa but here pple treat u diff once they know ur an addict they look down upon u and ur just a nothing. I don't want to ruin his life,becos is that fair?Just becos I don't want him in my life do I have to make his name bad and reveal his personal life it is his life. Do I want or can I kive with knowing I revealed his addiction to his child. He may recover one day(small chance but possible) and then I wuld have spoilt his life for what. Lastly I gave him my word so how can I now go back on that we married plus twenyk yrs he has an addiction but he still dad to the child and he's not a bad person he just has this addiciton problem. Pple won't judge me and if they do I can handle it I'm a bit eccentric and outspolen when it suits me. I can't handle them hurting him and looking down on him. That's how it is here. Even lgbt are targetted(rape,murder,or simply ostracised). Addicts too. Socially

Mizzuno

I understand. Is there a way for you to get employment so that you are not dependent on your husband? Also, is there any where else for you to go? I know that you gave him your word, and i think you are speaking of marriage? This does not mean that you stick around in an unhealthy situation and be unhappy. ALANON has been a suggestion that may be worth looking into.

Saraha

Obviously its diff in every community but in ours that's how it is. Generally across all races though its the same druggies r a bit on the low end of the spectrum. Unless they're loaded then no one says a thing and the teens sometimes give them status due to being rich ie its a way out for a lot of the teens(to make money). That's a whole diff story. Thanks all for all ur advice.

Saraha

Mizzuno,thnk u for ur reply. Yes I will have to reregister(pay outstanding amount),then reapply for a job,I can work. Plan to ask my fam for money for that. Was trying to avoid that becos they already give me a hard time about hubby.if I want to Leave tho I have no choice becos they will never refuse to help me.Regarding giving my word I meant that I've always told him that no matter what happens to us I will never reveal his addiction.My family kind of knows but then that was becos I confided In I person and my immediate family found out but I told them he stopped.I don't want to run him down more in front of them they already r not happy with his financial situation

EndGameNYC

I'm not the first one to comment here that, in protecting your husband, you're allowing you and your child to continue to be harmed.

How will you feel about "protecting" your child from the truth if your husband does something terrible while using drugs? How will you explain to your child that you thought it best to keep this secret after your husband ends up in jail, causes injury to himself/others in an accident, or suffers major medical complications due to his drug use?

You've commented a lot about what's at stake for your husband and child were you to blow his cover in the process of taking care of yourself and your child. It makes me wonder what's in it for you to hold onto such a toxic secret?

LuLu13

A couple of things, you say your son is old enough to ask for joint custody but not old enough to figure out his dad has an addiction? To me, if he is old enough for the courts to respect his opinion then he is old enough to figure out what is going on with his dad. Also, you stated your husband never hurt your son except for driving with him in the car, that is risking your son's life! Believe me, kids are more perceptive than you think and if you stay your son will figure it out eventually. You need to do whatever you have to in order to get out of this negative environment.

Saraha

Hello and thank u for ur answers endgameNYC and Lulu13.He is a safe user(if there ever was a contradictory term),uses upto a point and has never has a bad reaction I think he's been on something or the other for so long now his body is used to those levels.I also doubt he'll end up in jail,his dad will move hell and earth to avoid that.He has never had a mva with passengers in + twenty yrs,worst case scenario he may end up in hospital.Regarding the child not knowing,the dad has never used in front of him.He keeps his stuff well hidden and he maintains a semblance of normal in front of him. He also uses mostly when child is asleep and he uses through the night till dawn. Then crashes or goes to work.During the crack years the child did ask me if dad was having an affair(becos his granny used to talk about grandads affairs which I twt was inappropriate).I said no.So I honestly don't think he has figured out dad is an addict.Dad is home daily also.Regarding the custody,I did ask child hypothetically if I was unhappy wid ur dad and left how wuld he feel(to gauge his reaction or how he felt). He said he didn't mind but his friends whose parents were divorced lived with both sides(joint). So he also said I'm. Old enuf to have a say and if they ask that's what I'll say(he's does very well at skool ). So I said I'll try to accomadate that IF it ever happens. Didn't mention d topic again,don't want to stress him and plan to bring it up closer to dday.He worships his dad,he says(a lot)that he has the best dad ever,the best dad in the world. So what is in it for me,never thought about it but if I had to pinpoint I'd say that. That image he has of having the best dad in the world ,I want to keep that image to my child. I don't want to ruin that image he has of his dad. That and I want to keep things amicable between me and hubby when and hopefully if I can go through with it(divorce). Last week my mind was made up.He's been extra loving and cuddly this week and I was ill for a day,he helped out. I got cold fEet ,not fully cold feet ,just twt well how when I'm alone will I cope ie. I won't have that backup person home to help.OK I do realise that sounds lame,I know I can be pretty lame when it comes to my worries about what if what if. The twt of not having hubby also scares me,I'll basically be an old fart living with her home once child is gone (grown). Ok that too is lame. I'll be honest on the one hand the twt of living a drug free debt free life(I'm pretty frugal and have good earning capacity) makes me happy. The twt of living alone,widout hubby and scares me. Worst of all I have to still move,then still apply to courts don't know if he will contest that culd take a while. Then the joint custody problem.There's a mountain of things some days I'm all fired up to do it. Then that voice says why even bother,u culd be dead in a year or two ur getting older blah blah. Then I feel like Ag,loss dit(leave it).its a merry go round in my head.What's that saying..be careful what u wish for,u may just get it. Sorry for rambling post.

Saraha

Lastly my partner is highly educated,earns well (not like before) blows a lot of that on his habit.Yet he has managed to keep up his 'face' in front of his family and the child.He wuld rather die then ever slip up and let the child find out. So I do think he can continue his facade even later becos his child also thinks his dad is the best. So I don't know two members mentioned the children find out eventually so I don't know if that will happen?and I don't know what I'd say or do if it ever came to that I guess if child asked me right out becos he figured or suspected I wuld have to say yes. Yet I don't think it wuld ever come to that becos dad is very careful and highly functioning. I don't want to tell the child if he never figures it out so be it. After high skool he'll be out of the house anyway. Yes if he was over eighteen and he asked me later I wuld alSo tell him,but I dount that will haPpen

Saraha

Is telling the child who does not know and who adores his dad not cruel?I honestly don't know becos I don't know he's just a tween it may shatter his whole world. I don't know anything I'm just trying not to ruin that image. He may become like trying to look after or even worse blame himself if he finds out,or hate his dad and even he may be affected. I just don't know really I doubt he will find out on his own becos his dad covers up pretty good. I also don't want to betray my hubby by telling on him. I'm just very I don't know what I'm very much like a ping pong ball everything bounces in my head. Diff thoughts,when I feel fearful I just want to shut up and stay put exactly where I am.That courage lasts for a while,then the doubts and fear set in. Then u back at square one and haven't done a thing. Sometimes as lame as that sounds I think death wuld be a better option becos ur life just has no hope sometime u have really no hope and u are just weak and tired and stuck in ur head.Then u think what wuld happen to the boy,and that stops u from doing anything stupid. The boy.

Saraha

Ah will be using tonite I can tell ,and he also informed me.So its going to be an all nighter. Sorry for my long ended posts,sometimes I feel this is where I can talk,vent,whine lol I'm whining. Parents well I don't wanna talk to dem and friend and fam rest of is clueless except his dad and that's not a person u can reason with. He belongs in the last century with some of his views on addiction. Besides,I did give my word. Me rambling on again. Thank you

cleaninLI

Hi Sahara,

I think your question is "Should I agree to giving addict husband joint-custody?"

If that is correct then it is a very simple answer. NO, you shouldn't.

I truly doubt that anyone on this forum is going to advise you to hand your young son to be cared for and raised by a man who is addicted to cocaine.

You can keep writing lengthy posts describing all of your husbands virtues, such as:he is a wonderful Dad, he helps son with homework, he takes son to buy presents, doesn't beat son, son worships him, ECt ...blah blah blah.

The point is that Dad is an addict! Dad cares more for his cocaine then he cares for you or his son. Dad spends all his money on cocaine. Dad is up all night doing cocaine. Dad crashes (sleeps) during the day because he's up all night doing cocaine. Dad drives with your son in the car after using cocaine.

When does Dad have time to be a wonderful dad if he is using all night and sleeping all day?

While you are gone, who is going to stay home with your son while Dad is out all night doing cocaine?

If you love your son then how could leave him behind in the same toxic environment that you are so unhappy with and desperate leave?