The words "Broken Toy" come to mind
 

How do I even start,
I have always known I was an alcoholic, I have joked about it my whole life.
I have lost 2 members of my family to Alcoholism and a 3rd has been in and out of halfway houses for most of his life.
I have been in and out of AA 3 times in my life, some worse than others.
Always half serious.

I failed my first rehab program at 19 and was kicked out of the military.
Later a blackout episode had me back at meetings of my own choice But I went back to drinking after a few months.
Then a DUI, court ordered.

And why I am here now:
An incident at a party where yet again I blacked out. My sister called me 3 days later and explained what happened. It was conduct unbecoming a gentleman to say the least.

I am serious now.

Looking back on my behavior over the last few months, I could almost wager that my subconscious has been steering me toward this decision for a while now.

I started attending Church even though I'm an Atheist.
I have started studying Ethics and Philosophy.
Listening to countless hours of pod casts and audio books on anything that could teach me something in regards to the afore mention topics.
I started going to a Gym.

I'n AA before I could never get over the "Higher Power" issue, I'm not sure if I can now. But it sure looks like I have been trying like hell to find one.

welcome to SR wraithkwk :)

D

Hello. Welcome to SR. You can do this. This forum has been my recovery tool and it seems to be working quite well. Keep posting, reading and doing the next best thing. Glad you found SR.

Welcome!

There's places in this forum where any of these topics can be discussed. I joined because I had questions about AA...

:welcome to SR! I'm glad you joined us.:)

This is sort of how it happened for me. It seemed like something was tapping me on the shoulder.

Like "Hello" are you listening to this? "Hello" did you just see that?

Then, in a drunken state, I called AA. I have no idea why I suddenly made that decision. I was honestly to drunk to remember what I was exactly thinking at the time. I just felt done. I felt it was over, finally.

I went to AA in the past. I went with the idea that I could get all this information and fix myself. I was trying to control my recovery. I did not realize I was doing that at the time though. I had the books, a sponsor, a home group and I went to meetings almost everyday. I stayed sober for five months and then relapsed.

Now here I am four months sober and EVERYTHING is different compared to my last round. I feel my HP came to me. That subconscious push, that tap on the on the shoulder was my HP trying to tell me it was time. I am so grateful that for the first time in my life, I listened.

I had willingness so I worked the steps.....found a higher power after getting through step 7......step 9 was also another life changing step......

I wish you well on your sober journey!

Just admitting that there was probably something more powerful than me in the universe was enough to get AA to stick for me. You don't have to use that guy who parted the waters & lives in the sky...

Good Luck, keep coming back!

Thank you all for the replies,
Last night I picked up The Big Book on Audible and played it over and over today while at work. It's strange how listening to the book, so many years after I first read it. I guess .. It just spoke to me so much more than ever before. It's like it was explaining step by step how my marriage fell apart. My exact emotional state after every black out. And it almost seems like AA could be my path to finding my Higher power. It all just makes so much more sense now.

I have to adjust my schedule, so I can start going to meetings again.
I'm not the type of Alcoholic that gets the shakes if I don't drink every day.
I'm a few beers a day, or in a week, then all of a sudden my control goes out and I drink tell I black out type.

I'll get this worked out,

I am glad you decided to give AA another try.

I too read the BB before and I swear it is not the same book. It is so much clearer then last time. It makes sense this time. I go to a BB meeting and I love it. I really get a lot out of it.

I have heard people with over 20 years sobriety make comments that they too feel the book changes as more time goes on. I think it comes down to were are in our journey.

One day at a time and keep us updated.

Welcome to SR I wish you the best on this journey!

Hello wraithkwk

As an freethinking AA member I have found an HP that is inline with my worldview. I can remain authentic to who I am and apply AA principles to a way of living.
The links below by other AA agnostics/atheist offer great information and insight by others that have faced the same dilemma of no faith and have found resolution.
Best wishes wraithkwk

;) This was an easy one for me. I had to understand that the world dose not revolve around me. So the illusion of having control over planetary rotation had to be smashed.

Thank you ill check out those links.