livelifelove

Hey all,

I'm not sure how this site works, just sort of found the app and thought I'd try it out. I... I think I have a problem? I'm not sure, I argue with myself a lot about this. Sometimes I know how to drink within limits, sometimes I don't. It depends on the environment and who I'm out with (or so I've convinced myself). Mostly..I think I'm really scared to not drink socially. I have fun having a few casual drinks with friends, I enjoy it... Until it gets out of hand and it becomes embarrassing and the guilt sets in. I feel like I hate myself and feel depressed days after it gets out of hand.

I guess I'm not sure what I'm looking for here, I've just been struggling with the idea that being sober may be best for a couple of years now. I feel like I think it's best and I'd be the happiest, but I can't seem to come to terms with never having a glass of wine with dinner, a drink out with friends ever again or just being "that friend that doesn't drink"...To be brutally honest, the best way to describe how i feel is that i want to be "normal" and be able to have a few drinks without going home and emptying the booze cabinet or beer fridge.. Has anyone ever been in this boat?

Dee74

Hi Lifelivelove

I think the majority of people who find SR feel like you do...they want to wind back the clock.

I don't want to depress you but the odds are not with you - most people find it impossible...over time, alcohol changes us, our relationship with alcohol changes, and we cross an invisible line from which there's no way back.

I don't know where you are in relation to that line, but it was not possible for me to recross the line, and I tried for 10 years.

Looking back it was doomed really...apart from anything, I never drank normally, ever.

D

Isaiah

Hi.

Yes. I've certainly been there. I tried a lot to get my drinking back to normal. I set up a table for myself of what I'd allow myself through a week. Even with a formal plan I still couldn't always stick to it, moreso I didn't enjoy it with limits imposed. I guess it only dawned on me later that there's no way I could be a normal drinker that way; normal drinkers do not need a chart and a system in place to control their drinking.

I was able to push forward to sobriety when I realized that only two options were available: I could drink, no control, suffering consequences from it -or- I could become sober. The middle ground is lost to me--the essential definition of alcoholism.

-Iz

livelifelove

I think this is how I reply.. So new, lol.

Thank you for your response, I can relate to the planning and how most of the people i know don't need to put so much thought into it. (Normal drinkers I suppose)

I know that everyone's journey to sobriety is their own and it occurs in their own realization and time. I think I'm just very afraid to start that journey. I could probably churn out 100 reasons as to why that is, but my thoughts are I'm most likely afraid to start a new life without alcohol as a stress reliever or as a social lubricant. It seems so acceptable in society to have a few drinks that it makes me feel odd not to be able to do so...but I know deep down that I can't drink like most people most of the time.

If you don't mind me asking, what are the first steps you took in sobriety? I've located a few AA meetings in my area, but I'm really clueless as to any other venues that are available.

livelifelove

I never thought about it in the sense of wanting to "wind back the clock" but that's exactly it. I'm not sure where it is I want to wind the clock back to, seeing as I'm not sure I ever drank normally or responsibly. I wouldn't know, as I always hung around with heavy drinkers until recently, but I'm guessing that people who don't have a problem with alcohol never have to ask themselves these questions.

I think its easy to become disconnected from the reality of the situation, especially if you're still drinking. Thank you for your honesty, picturing myself in relation to that invisible line has made me rethink situations where I've blamed my feelings of shame and guilt on other people, instead of facing the reality that my actions and decisions while using alcohol are not...sound.

Here's to hoping I find the right way to cope with my situation... And find sobriety

jazzfish

I have experienced the exact same thing. I am 46 and for the last 25 years I have struggled to find the way to drink "normally, to "just control myself", to just grow the eff up and be an adult, etc. Nothing worked and I have give up the fight.

Even then, though, there is a thought that would have me endure the pain in misery to keep the option open to have a few drinks with friends...yes, even that friend I haven't seen in 15 years.

Now I find that only sobriety can make me feel "normal".

Isaiah

I think you should trust whatever sounds like your best instincts. Not everyone who's having problems with alcohol has a drinking problem. If you're taking an honest look at how you use and the control you have and you need to expirement more I say do it. Honesty is key though. I was neither honest nor realistic about my drinking and waited too long to address it...

My first steps in sobriety... driving my car into the side of my neighbor's house while buzzed (the facts & details are less interesting than it sounds.) I was required to start in AA meetings. But that worked out for me in the end as I'm still going to them years later.

Rational Recovery and SMART are the only other two options I can think of for recovery groups. A lot of times community or church groups will have their own individual support groups too.

Take care! And welcome!

Isaiah

Also... if you're afraid to lose the social lubricant as you put it... speaking as someone with some serious anxiety issues, I don't find it terribly difficult.

Better yet I'm less concerned with what I might say or do when in vino veritas hits.

jazzfish

Rational Recovery no longer has group meetings, but does have their own approach. There are also LifeRing, Women for Sobriety, and SOS.