I am a newbie
NATBITES
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: Piraeus, Greece
Posts: 4
I am a newbie
Hi everyone.
I have been drinking since 15 yrs old on and off. I only woke up and realised I am an alcoholic in the last 2 years or so. I have been sober for 2 weeks I am on meds to help (antidepressents Escitalopram/Generics, trevor, filicine and Neurobion) as I also have a history of depression. I am not going to AA (have been twice in the past but was not ready to committ). At the moment I am doing therapy with an alcoholics organisation ran by the government (I am English but live in Greece). Three times a week I go to do a breathalizer test and I have been seeing a pscycotherpist. (I have some issues in my past which started the drinking .....and then I found I just couldn't stop a one drink. There is no alcoholism in my immediate family, although my half sister (from my Dad's first marriage) has drinking problems though I am not sure how serious.
I was up until recently drinking 1 litre of red wine and up to 5 beers a night. And this became so regular that I had to go to different shops to buy my alcohol so that they didn't think I was a alcoholic. I hid bottle and cans everywhere you can image. Ok I was what I call a "funtioning" alcoholic in that I drank mostly in the evenings on my own but away from my family. My husband and 14 year old son.
Obviously my drinking has had more of an impact on my family than I thought it had and I am having a very hard time with my son right now. Previous promise of stopping and then catching me drinking again. He doesn't trust me anymore. Also my son has an internet addiction (probably mostly down to my drinking problem) and i found that he was participating in cyber sex over his skype account. Well I was suspicious so checked his messages and found all this stuff. (heavy stuff). We took him to a psycologist by which time of course I had to tell all to help my son and told her that I drink. So this is where it all started. My son continuously says he hates me, he is rude, sarcastic and doesn't make conversation with me. He knows about my problem and both me and my husband have tried to talk to him about it. He is so cold towards me and probably I deserve it. It is very hard to deal with and I don't know what to do (apart from continuing not to drink). He said to me the other day that the only thing he loves about me is my cat and the only thing that makes me his mother is that I gave birth to him. Very hurtful but there you go.
I am trying very hard to right all the wrongs but feel as if I am at the end of my tether. I love my husband and son so much and just can't deal with all this guilt which is staring to come out.
Is there anyone else out there who has had relationship issues whilst stopping drinking with their teenager? I have been told to take a major step back and let his Dad take over until I am better - but - it's so heartbreakding the way he looks at me and I know he doesn't respect me at all.
Please help?
I have been drinking since 15 yrs old on and off. I only woke up and realised I am an alcoholic in the last 2 years or so. I have been sober for 2 weeks I am on meds to help (antidepressents Escitalopram/Generics, trevor, filicine and Neurobion) as I also have a history of depression. I am not going to AA (have been twice in the past but was not ready to committ). At the moment I am doing therapy with an alcoholics organisation ran by the government (I am English but live in Greece). Three times a week I go to do a breathalizer test and I have been seeing a pscycotherpist. (I have some issues in my past which started the drinking .....and then I found I just couldn't stop a one drink. There is no alcoholism in my immediate family, although my half sister (from my Dad's first marriage) has drinking problems though I am not sure how serious.
I was up until recently drinking 1 litre of red wine and up to 5 beers a night. And this became so regular that I had to go to different shops to buy my alcohol so that they didn't think I was a alcoholic. I hid bottle and cans everywhere you can image. Ok I was what I call a "funtioning" alcoholic in that I drank mostly in the evenings on my own but away from my family. My husband and 14 year old son.
Obviously my drinking has had more of an impact on my family than I thought it had and I am having a very hard time with my son right now. Previous promise of stopping and then catching me drinking again. He doesn't trust me anymore. Also my son has an internet addiction (probably mostly down to my drinking problem) and i found that he was participating in cyber sex over his skype account. Well I was suspicious so checked his messages and found all this stuff. (heavy stuff). We took him to a psycologist by which time of course I had to tell all to help my son and told her that I drink. So this is where it all started. My son continuously says he hates me, he is rude, sarcastic and doesn't make conversation with me. He knows about my problem and both me and my husband have tried to talk to him about it. He is so cold towards me and probably I deserve it. It is very hard to deal with and I don't know what to do (apart from continuing not to drink). He said to me the other day that the only thing he loves about me is my cat and the only thing that makes me his mother is that I gave birth to him. Very hurtful but there you go.
I am trying very hard to right all the wrongs but feel as if I am at the end of my tether. I love my husband and son so much and just can't deal with all this guilt which is staring to come out.
Is there anyone else out there who has had relationship issues whilst stopping drinking with their teenager? I have been told to take a major step back and let his Dad take over until I am better - but - it's so heartbreakding the way he looks at me and I know he doesn't respect me at all.
Please help?
Member
Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: Wisconsin
Posts: 339
Welcome. Your story is not unlike many of ours. Relationships are struggling, you are struggling with yourself and just do not know what to do. We have all been there. We alcoholics have the tendency to complicate the hell out of stuff. I had all kinds of issues and problems all around me when I was drinking. I had to stop looking around and look at myself. I needed to get sober FIRST. Work on myself FIRST. Deal with my issues FIRST. In time some of the other relationship issues worked themselves out. Congrats on the 2 weeks but try to work on you right now. Good luck.
Guest
Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: Somewhere in Wisconsin
Posts: 661
Welcome! I suggest your son go to Al-Anon. He needs someone to explain to him that alcoholism is a disease. Having said that, all my kids are grown now (2 girls and 2 boys) and I found that 14 is the WORST age ever! Whether you are drinking or not, I found at this age, it is normal to rebel and "hate" your parents. I wish you the best on your road to recovery!
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,439
Hi and welcome natbites 
I'm not a parent, but I know from my own experience things like forgiveness and rebuilding trust don't always come easy. I think that would be an even harder process with a teenager.
I'll leave advice to the other parents here, but if you show your son the man you are becoming, not the man you were, I hope he'll come around
D
I'm not a parent, but I know from my own experience things like forgiveness and rebuilding trust don't always come easy. I think that would be an even harder process with a teenager.
I'll leave advice to the other parents here, but if you show your son the man you are becoming, not the man you were, I hope he'll come around
D
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Upstate New York
Posts: 51,564
Hi natbites - we're so glad you joined us.
What Dee said definitely applied to me and my son. He was in his 20's when I finally quit, but I know he was deeply disappointed in the drinking me. When he saw I was serious about stopping and knew he could trust me things changed. I know he didn't really want to mistrust me or feel let down by my behavior - so he was very forgiving & understanding once he felt comfortable with the new me. I also agree that you must focus on your own healing for now. (It's possible your son's coldness could be partly due to being embarrassed by the discovery you made about his online behavior. Just a thought.)
What Dee said definitely applied to me and my son. He was in his 20's when I finally quit, but I know he was deeply disappointed in the drinking me. When he saw I was serious about stopping and knew he could trust me things changed. I know he didn't really want to mistrust me or feel let down by my behavior - so he was very forgiving & understanding once he felt comfortable with the new me. I also agree that you must focus on your own healing for now. (It's possible your son's coldness could be partly due to being embarrassed by the discovery you made about his online behavior. Just a thought.)
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
Natbites - Welcome to SR and congratulations on 2 weeks!
I'm so sorry about what is going on with your son. I'm not a parent, but my dad & stepmom raised my niece, and I've helped (most of the time).
Teenage years are tough, at the best. I moved back home after getting out of jail, relapsed a year later, and my niece and I used to have HUGE fights. She often told me how she hated me and wished I'd just leave. She was also dabbling in alcohol and drugs.
I kept working my addiction recovery and I also learned that I'm quite codependent so began recovery for that here.
It took TIME for my niece to believe in the changes in me (her bio-dad is in/out of jail and prison for addiction....does REALLY good for a while, then back he goes). It took TIME for her recognize there are consequences for bad actions (sort of...at least with the drugs and alcohol).
If you'd have told me 6+ years ago (how long I've been in recovery) that she and I would have a good relationship, I'd have told you "no way". It took work on BOTH are parts, but it also took time.
This doesn't always happen, but sometimes it does.
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
I'm so sorry about what is going on with your son. I'm not a parent, but my dad & stepmom raised my niece, and I've helped (most of the time).
Teenage years are tough, at the best. I moved back home after getting out of jail, relapsed a year later, and my niece and I used to have HUGE fights. She often told me how she hated me and wished I'd just leave. She was also dabbling in alcohol and drugs.
I kept working my addiction recovery and I also learned that I'm quite codependent so began recovery for that here.
It took TIME for my niece to believe in the changes in me (her bio-dad is in/out of jail and prison for addiction....does REALLY good for a while, then back he goes). It took TIME for her recognize there are consequences for bad actions (sort of...at least with the drugs and alcohol).
If you'd have told me 6+ years ago (how long I've been in recovery) that she and I would have a good relationship, I'd have told you "no way". It took work on BOTH are parts, but it also took time.
This doesn't always happen, but sometimes it does.
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
bona fido dog-lover
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: SF Bay area, CA
Posts: 99,780
I had the same issue with my teenage daughter when I was drinking and then in recovery. She didn't trust me for a while but in time she came around and we now have a good relationship again. Just show him with your actions that you mean business and he'll come around. 
Just show him with your actions that you mean business and he'll come around. Member
Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: Lincoln, Nebraska
Posts: 24
My mother and I don't have the best relationship, but she is not an alcoholic. However if she was, I would just use that as ammo against her.
My issues with my mom will sort out in time. She was a negligent mother, and I, like you have been a drinker since age 15.
My mother didn't have time for me, considering other siblings had substance abuse of a greater nature. During my sobriety I will find solace for her mistakes, because she did the best she could.
Your child is only 14 years old, there is time for these wounds to heal.
Thanks for joining. I look forward to reading your posts. <3
My issues with my mom will sort out in time. She was a negligent mother, and I, like you have been a drinker since age 15.
My mother didn't have time for me, considering other siblings had substance abuse of a greater nature. During my sobriety I will find solace for her mistakes, because she did the best she could.
Your child is only 14 years old, there is time for these wounds to heal.
Thanks for joining. I look forward to reading your posts. <3
Member
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Gulf Coast, Florida USA
Posts: 5,731
My Son was also between 12 -17 at the height of my addiction. I so feel for you.
All I can say is that I didn't get his respect back until I got sober and learned to live that way. My last drink was 1.5 yrs ago so it took a long time. Plus I had a brief relapse within that period with another substance. I know how painful that is for you.
There is nothing you can do to change his feelings only time and you doing the next right thing. Try not to force yourself on him, that didn't work for me. I tried everything, I tried to buy my way into his heart, send him things to college. What he did know was that I loved him the best a alcoholic/addict could at the time.
Today he is 22 and a college senior. He's very successful a double major. He grew up fast and I couldn't be more proud of him. He is nice to me today. He tells me he loves me. He is coming in for my birthday.
Our kids just want us to get better and see us well and we can't do that overnight. It takes time working the 12 steps or maybe in your case counseling. Our relationship will never be what I had hoped like when he was a little guy. But I continue to try to do the next right thing to the best of my ability and he tells me he is very proud of me.
Sometimes I just want to grab him and wrap my arms around him like when he was little but that won't fly today, so I'll settle for a somwhat weak hug. Just another consequence of my past and one I have to accept. It's gonna be ok. As long as I am sober. I wish you the very best and time will heal things for you.
All I can say is that I didn't get his respect back until I got sober and learned to live that way. My last drink was 1.5 yrs ago so it took a long time. Plus I had a brief relapse within that period with another substance. I know how painful that is for you.
There is nothing you can do to change his feelings only time and you doing the next right thing. Try not to force yourself on him, that didn't work for me. I tried everything, I tried to buy my way into his heart, send him things to college. What he did know was that I loved him the best a alcoholic/addict could at the time.
Today he is 22 and a college senior. He's very successful a double major. He grew up fast and I couldn't be more proud of him. He is nice to me today. He tells me he loves me. He is coming in for my birthday.
Our kids just want us to get better and see us well and we can't do that overnight. It takes time working the 12 steps or maybe in your case counseling. Our relationship will never be what I had hoped like when he was a little guy. But I continue to try to do the next right thing to the best of my ability and he tells me he is very proud of me.
Sometimes I just want to grab him and wrap my arms around him like when he was little but that won't fly today, so I'll settle for a somwhat weak hug. Just another consequence of my past and one I have to accept. It's gonna be ok. As long as I am sober. I wish you the very best and time will heal things for you.
NATBITES
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: Piraeus, Greece
Posts: 4
Dear Deeker,
Thanks so much for your reply, it gives me hope to know that relationships can be improved. I feel good for you that you are now at this positive stage of relationship with your son. Good for you! and weldone for keeping away from the poision.
Thanks so much for your reply, it gives me hope to know that relationships can be improved. I feel good for you that you are now at this positive stage of relationship with your son. Good for you! and weldone for keeping away from the poision.
NATBITES
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: Piraeus, Greece
Posts: 4
Thank you so much your words give me hope. I just wish I had never started drinking and could turn the clock back 5 years (I have always been a drinker, but in the last 5 years it just got worse and worse. I guess once we get sober, it's only then that we realise the damage we have caused to our relationships...I guess you are right, he just needs to learn to trust me again which will take time.
Thanks again.
Thanks again.
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