Junegirl

Yup, I was an "alcoholic with a job" as BigS said. Accepting that I'm alcoholic plain and simple was the 1st step on my journey to sobriety. I read a lot of posts here about people like me who were "high-functioning" and saw that the only thing separating me from DUI, job loss, jail, losing my child, was a few weeks or months or maybe a few years if I was lucky. Because alcoholism is progressive. I WILL lose everything if I keep drinking. So I look my daughter's face when I crave and the thought of losing her literally or figuratively (go read the family and friends threads so you can see what I mean) has kept me committed.

Best to you,

June

deeker

I was a some what functioning drunk I thought but if you would have asked anyone close to me they would give you a different story.

The thing was not whether or not I could function to the outer world I was not functioning inside. I was constantly filled with fear, guilt and remorse.

Constantly trying to make up for my overwhelming guilty feelings .

It was a terrible way to live. I am glad it is over . At least for this 24 hours. I take it one day at a time.

Amy2011

I stay sober because I no longer wake up hungover feeling full of guilt, shame, embarrassment, and remorse. I stay sober for my 2 daughters because I never want to see the pain in their eyes that I saw at the end of my drinking career again. I stay sober because I want to stay married, employed, and actively involved with my kids. I stay sober because I can't live in the chaos of alcoholism again. Good luck!

ReadyAtLast

Welcome sally

I'm a wife and mother too. Since quitting my life has improved immensely. I thought Ihad a good life whilst drinking but what I did not have was peace of mind,serenity and was always plagued with anxiety, fear, guilt and shame from drinking too much. Not in oorways, just at home or with friends,a bottle of wine each night plus more at weekends.

It doesn't matter what everyone else does. Since quitting I've realized not everyone drinks and most people certainly don't drink like me. I also used to think I couldn't do it because everyone drinks in the UK but realized that was just an excuse for me to keep on drinking. Yes, I have had to change my life - I don't go in pubs where drinking is the only activity but I don't miss the mind numbing futility of people drunk,talking nonsense thinking they're having 'fun'

I also realize that whilst I thought I was a good mother because my child was fed,safe,loved etc I realize I was fooling myself. I was not the best mother I could be drinking a bottle of wine a day. I was not emotionally available or present for him and plans were changed to accommodate alcohol.

It is difficult in the early days but it gets so much better and life improves. Please don't hide behind 'high functioning' Think how much better and more functioning you'll be without drink.

finaltime

I also worry about parties, happy hours, I am even thinking about Christmas time and its only July!!!!!!!! I am also a functioning addict/Alcoholic. I am an international teacher and majority of my staff is from Aus. Everybody drinks, its just what they do. However, when I drink I get this slake for it where I don't want to stop... I can drink 2 bottles of wine and be fine? That is so not okay. I am on day 5 today and doing ok. I don't crave it, I won't have withdrawals, but my fear is quitting for good.

I think what Dee mentioned with online meetings is good, I know working the steps (I never have) is what has helped out a lot of people as well. I know with myself I must make the commitment for GOOD and know that, or I will continue what I have been doing for the past while.... not quitting then regretting.

Please keep posting.

FeelingGreat

Hi Sally, my problem was very similar to yours. I never missed work, didn't get massively drunk at parties, own my home etc. But I too could and did drink a bottle of wine in one sitting with few consequences.
The reason I stopped was that I knew I would do permanent damage to my health, and I could see where I was heading. Read up on the stages of alcoholism. For drinkers like us it creeps up so gradually you are in big trouble before you realise.
I stopped without AA, and I too live in a drinking culture. It's nowhere near the obstacle you think it is. I still go out, still socialise, I just do it without alcohol. I saw my GP too, just for moral support, he didn't prescribe anything.
I do miss the taste of wine, but the benefits are so much more important I'm happy to continue to abstain.

LadyBlue0527

Same here, someone who doesn't have an addicted personality thinks that "you just stop". Yes, it's "just that easy".

That's why what keeps me committed and going is:

1. Hanging out with other people who understand this addiction, be it here, at AA meetings, or with my sponsor.
2. The understanding that to continue drinking is going to be the end of my marriage and me.
3. Waking up on Saturday and Sunday mornings feeling truly rested and getting up early because I WANT TO.

Those are just some of the things that keep me committed to sobriety.

A final note to you (and also one of the reasons that I stay committed).

My best friend of 35 years was also an HFA and to the max. No one would ever know that she had a drinking problem. That was for the first 32 years that I knew her. To work on time every day, immaculate house, always doing something, one of the most heartfelt people I have ever known. The last 3 years was nothing short of disastrous and pitiful. To the point where I couldn't even stand to talk to her on the phone because I couldn't understand half of what she was saying. Even me, being an alcoholic myself, was distressed by what I witnessed. We were the buds that we were partly because anything went between the two of us. If I drank at her house and was an idiot there was no need for apologies. I watched her rapid descent into a bottle and I couldn't comprehend it. I tried to tell her that she needed to do what I do, only drink on weekends.

I had no understanding of how progressive this is. One day on the phone she said to me "If you keep drinking this is eventually going to be you too". I'll never forget those words and I refused to believe it. I would never drink during the day so that I could function or get so wasted that I couldn't even hold the receiver of a phone.

On February 10th of this year she followed her normal routine of gulping off of the glass of wine that she kept by her bed to drink when she woke up. From there she continued to drink herself into a stupor. Around 11:30 a or so she passed out on her couch after having dropped the cigarette that she was holding into the cushions. She woke up to flames and called 911. She was so loaded that instead of trying to get out of the house she attempted to put the fire out herself. She had THREE extinguishers and never used one. She ended up with burns on 80% of her body and was airlifted to a burn unit. She died on February 14th.

She was a HFA. The key word being was.

Something to keep in mind. It IS progressive.

huntingtontx

Big and Natty, I am not sure what your problem is. I never missed work, never drove drunk, paid all my bill on time, cooked and kept a clean house. No one knew, most still don't. I read books about alcohol and could not relate. I never did the things like everyone else. It took me a long time to realize I was an alcoholic. We are all different. I am not saying I was better, just different. We don't all fit the same mold. I never remembered the night before. I had to look around to figure it out. Does that mean I think I am better. Not at all. There are a lot like me, who don't understand the dui and calling in to work. Who don't know why bills were not paid before alcohol was bought. It does not make us proud. It is just hard to relate sometimes and when we find others like ourselves it helps. We need to quit just as much as others. No need to put a word down. Every persons bottom is different. God bless and keep you but please don't judge others by how you were.

LadyBlue0527

Huntington, I get where you're coming from on your last post. Some people can be alcoholics and not have issues that will tune anyone in to the fact that they have a problem.

It's great if you can be an alcoholic and still function. If it makes you feel any better about yourself to consider yourself one so be it. You're the one that has to look in the mirror every morning.

I think that I get what it is that Big and Natty are trying to point out.

Apples can come in many shades and colors. They're still apples. Doesn't matter if they're top of the line that are purchased by chefs because they're the best for cooking, or if they've fallen off the tree and are sitting on the ground rotting. They're still an apple.

Whether it's a high functioning alcoholic who has all the amenities in life or an unkempt bum in the doorway on the street with a paper bag in their hand. Still an alcoholic.

Also important to note that an apple will eventually fall from the tree and rot. It won't stay perched on that stem forever.

My best friend who was one of the best HFAs I have ever witnessed, who actually sounds a lot like you, just died on February 14th of this year. She justified continuing to drink because it didn't disrupt her life, which was model. Why should she stop? She knew that she had a problem but hey, she still was at work everyday, no problems with driving, nasty neat house, beautiful garden. By the time that she realized that she was headed in the wrong direction she continued with that denial, and by the time she sought help it was too late. She couldn't stop. let me rephrase, she tried to stop and couldn't (or wouldn't) That took a period of three years. She had held her head up proud that her drinking didn't affect her life like it did others. Now she's gone, forever.

I'm glad that no matter the situation that people come here. At the end of the day, we're all the same.

huntingtontx

I agree Ladyblue, and I am not saying I am better. I am an alcoholic. I am here doing my best to let go of alcohol. I am saying everyone is different. We each have our own bottom. I am there. 22 days sober and doing the best I can. I don't like being called names for being honest. I am not here to judge anyone, and I don't need anyone to judge me. I have God for that. Alcohol has not been my friend and no way am I saying I am okay, but if others like me had talked to me I would have realized it sooner. The books I read on alcoholic's I could not relate to. An apple is an apple, but they all are different and so are we. Not better, just different.

Nattythreads

Nobody's judging you HTX.

It is inexorable addiction. If you don't stop, It doesn't let go until you have debased yourself in ways that make you unrecognizable to yourself.

For many of us, recovery seems to work when we accept there are no differences. We're just addicts. And we stop thinking our situation is different and we start looking for the similarities. And in those similarities we find hope and strength.

Best of luck to you

NT

bigsombrero

"Big and Natty, I don't know what your problem is"

What if I started a thread like this:

"I work as a regional director for the US headquarters at a large international firm, make a six-figure salary and have a nice office on Michigan Ave. And a really nice apartment downtown, with a maid. Oh, and I have this pesky alcohol problem, but of course I am a 'high functioning' alcoholic, so keep that in mind when giving me advice."

Do you see how this could rub others the wrong way? Yes, people are different, but labeling yourself an "HFA" comes across pretty pretentious. Most people here are very nice and supportive, and most responses have been very caring. Every once in a while you will get a reality check from posters here, too. That's part of the deal. It's not all butterflies and periwinkle pillows - recovery is full of sharp angles and hard corners.

My true recovery didn't start until I put my resume down and started accepting the fact that those in recovery are all in this together. We are a rag-tag bunch, we don't always get along, and some of us are a hot mess. But we're a fraternity and we need to remember that. Recognizing and accepting that was very helpful in my experience, and I hope you find that path as well. I hope you continue to listen to others here and develop a plan to quit drinking. Good luck.

Leshar

High functioning/low functioning/in the gutter alcoholic...what's the point in qualifying the term, in my opinion, Sallylou?

Alcohol has proved to be a problem in our lives, and we're all here to do something about it.
This community is a wonderful resource, keep reading and posting!
Doing so is helping me immensely!

Welcome, and good luck!

pinkdog

Hi! I tapered down because I felt I could not just stop either. I took 30 days and drank a little less as I went along. When I got to the last drink, I drank half and said "I'm one drink from being sober? I can do that". I alternated with water and thin, sugary kool-aid. It worked for me. The kool-aid helped my cravings and vitamins. Very hard exercise starting on day 4. If you are used to drinking, it does feel normal to drink. After you have lived a sober life for awhile, normal is sober. Sober is better.

ReadyAtLast

Great post and very very true-love this pinkdog,thank you.

rustyr

Re the term HFA

I'd say its not qualifying -- it is expanding the term. I think there is a popular belief that an "alcoholic" is the stereotypical image in the media like on "Intervention." You get this from folks in recovery too who can sometimes act like you weren't alcoholic enough or a "real" alcoholic if you could keep your job, not lose your spouse, etc. The term HFA has helped a lot of us get over own own BS rationalizations and identify with others who have recognized they are an alcoholic despite not fitting into these stereotypes. That's why I use it -- I may be high functioning for now, but I'm still an alcoholic. Not to stroke my ego or be pretentious, or to say I'm better than anyone else.

WritingFromLife

For me, when I learned what A "HFA" was, it brought me out of denial. I don't see it as an ego label (although I can see why one would). In a way, the term told me "get over yourself...you ARE an alchoholic no matter how wonderful you think you are performing in other areas. Now, once I got past that, the HFA label didn't matter.

It's another way to help some of us realize we ARE no different.

Dollyangel17

I almost wish I wasn't so high functioning when I was drinking...it allowed me to do it for too long as I remained in denial, and if my husband hadn't confronted me...God knows how long I would have kept going....probably until a doctor called me out on it, and sadly, that might have been too late.

Not that I wish something bad happened to me like losing my job, or getting arrested, but you know what I mean I think.

Anyway....so glad to be sober, and now that I am...it's easier to see that I wasn't as sensational as I thought I was...rose colored glasses (or blury eyed glasses) were OFF.

huntingtontx

I never said I was anything. I said I could not relate with a lot of people. I am an alcoholic, not drinking and doing my best. Day 22 and nothing anyone says is going to get me off track. You can all judge and put people down and say you are helping and it is okay with me. I know who I am and what I am. I will do this one day at a time just like everyone else that makes it. My first post was to say, I understand, I am like that too. Not to put anyone down or be put down. I am not building myself up, I am saying this is how I am. End of story. I will never think I am better then anyone else. I say I don't understand what I don't know. I know me. I will continue trying to help others and ask for help myself, because together I think we are stronger. I am no ones judge, and I will repeat again, I don't need to be judged except by God.

WritingFromLife

Huntington-I hope you don't see my words as judging you--just giving my take on the topic! I think everyone here means well. Hugs to you, and congrats on your 22 days! Sallylou-welcome! Stick around!!!!